7. Ivy
Ihated that he remembered my favorite snack. It felt too intimate, too personal, too much. My throat burned, the leftover fear of being stuck in the elevator too much stress for me to deal with. For whatever reason, stress left my injuries aching more. Like so much of my body’s energy went into fight or flight mode that it forgot to support my old injuries.
I kept my back to Callum, but his presence was so obvious in the unit. He stood with his hands in his pockets, calmly walking around the living room. He had to wonder how I afforded this. My parents did well but not like this. Plus, they would never give me this much money for rent. I did nothing to deserve it like athletes did.
With a shaky hand, I grabbed the bin of pretzels from above the counter and took a slow breath. Esme was out with a study group. She’d return in an hour. I could make him leave by then.
Callum made it such a point to leave my life and stay out of it, and I didn’t think it fair to let him come back in and see my life now.
“Soda?” I asked, my voice all scratchy. I bared my soul to him and almost got stuck in an elevator for forty hours. Of course my voice disappeared.
“Lemon-lime?”
His lips curved up on the side, like it was our inside joke, and I frowned. We didn’t have them anymore, and I needed him to stop acting like we did.
“Yes.”
“I’m okay, thank you though.” He rocked back on his heels, his gaze warming as he studied me. He had one of those faces on the brink of laughing. I used to find it charming, but now, I was sure I’d be on the brunt end of a joke. He wasn’t cruel, and he’d never bully me or intentionally hurt me, but he had no right to act this… nonchalant.
“After we eat some pretzels, I’m going to clarify a few things.”
“Can’t wait.”
“See, that right there.” I pointed a finger at me, anger lacing through every cell in my body. “Your smirk. Nothing about this is funny. You look like you’re about to laugh, and it hurts me.”
“Hurts you?” He tilted his head to the side, his frown deepening.
“Why are you acting so normal? I don’t understand.” I lined my pretzels up into pairs on the table, taking two at a time to munch on. The combination of soda and pretzels was top-tier to me. It was comfort and pleasure.
“I’m not normal, Ivy, not even a little bit.” He sat on the recliner to the left of me. His body was so large his knee jutted out and almost touched mine. “Seeing you eat pretzels and line them up in pairs…it makes me smile. It reminds me of earlier times, when we were kids without a clue about what life would be like. I can’t… I can’t think of my childhood without having a memory of you.”
I closed my eyes, the familiar sting returning. I spent too many tears over Callum. “What is this? What are we doing?”
“I think this is me trying to get back into your life.”
“What if I say no?”
“Ivy, look at me.”
My heart thudded against my chest so hard it hurt. I couldn’t imagine ever having a boyfriend because this pain, with my former best friend, hurt so much I couldn’t even see. I’d boxed this up and learned to live with it for three years, so unpacking it would be horrible.
“Please,” he added, his voice so small and unlike Callum.
I forced my eyes open and sucked in a breath. Callum moved onto his knees in front of me. He’d always been big in high school, but now that I was looking at him, I could see how much he’d changed, grown. His shoulders were broader, the muscles twice their size from years ago. His biceps were gigantic and toned, and his chest was thicker. He had to have put on fifty pounds of muscle, at least.
I gulped as he set a hand on my thigh. The heat from his hand traveled up my skin leaving a trail of little electric bursts. It wasn’t a sexual touch, but he was so close to me, so massive, it was hard not to think about the line of his jaw or the curve of his lips.
While one hand remained on my leg, the other intertwined our fingers as he sighed. His blue eyes were filled with grief as regret clouded his features. He always wore his emotions on his sleeve, and most of the time he was happy, but right now? I could feel his turmoil.
“Ivy, I fucking miss you.”
Moisture formed in slow motion, filling up my eyelids until tears spilled over into fat, salty trails over my cheeks. Fact: you had different types of tears based on why they fell. These were definitely emotional tears.
“Don’t,” I whispered, refusing to look at him.
He moved the warm palm from my thigh to tilt my chin, his fingers gentler than I would’ve expected. He touched my face like I mattered.
“Nothing has seemed quite right the last three years. It’s like a part of me has been missing, and seeing you at the field house?—”
“That’s the thing. If I didn’t get this internship, you wouldn’t want this. It’s entirely circumstantial?—”
“No. I know what you’re going to say, and no.” His tone held a bite, the sharp syllable stabbing me in the chest. “I would’ve found my way back to you.”
My throat felt like glass shattered down it. “You can’t say that. You can’t know. I don’t want to open my heart again to get crushed again. By you.” I pushed up, setting the pretzels on the table and placing my hands on my head. “You destroyed me, and I don’t know if I can forgive you.”
He chewed his bottom lip before studying the empty wall to his right. His nostrils flared as he rose, his muscles tensing as he fisted his hands. He swallowed before gazing at me with the same intensity I saw when he approached a field. Being on the receiving end of Callum O Toole’s attention altered my brain chemistry or something.
I wish I knew the scientific reason for why I went to mush when he focused on me like that because then I’d be able to reply instead of gape.
“I want another chance.” He ran a hand over his jaw, his dimples reappearing and instantly shifting him from the intense lineman to charmer. “That’s all I’m asking for: to be your friend again.”
“Why did you end it in the first place?” I shook my head and grabbed a throw pillow, only to toss it onto the floor. All the times I told Esme that I was over him? Lies. All the I’m fine and I don’t think about him comments were also bullshit. I clearly had lingering anger that gripped me head to toe. “It doesn’t fucking matter. I don’t care. I don’t want to know. This is a mistake.”
All these years, I’d wanted to learn what I did to make him leave me. I never got closure as to why our friendship of a decade ended. I’d dreamed about the closure, replaying everything I said or did to see if I had caused it. Or maybe, my biggest fear and insecurity, was that I wasn’t cool enough for him. I was dorky. Weak. Small. His complete opposite.
My pulse spiked to the point my watch alerted me my heart rate was too high. This happened when I stressed out, and I needed to do breathing to settle down. My joints ached as I gripped the couch and sat down, ignoring Callum’s presence to focus on inhaling slowly.
Don’t answer. Don’t tell me why you broke up with me.
I put my thoughts into the void, begging them to come to fruition.
“This isn’t a mistake. This is our second chance.” His voice hardened, like it used to when he made a game plan. It was his kick ass and take names voice. “But as I said earlier, I want to clarify a few things. Are you listening?”
I rolled my eyes. The ego on this guy…
He arched a brow, waiting, so I nodded and crossed my arms. I wanted him out of my apartment but knew he’d finish his rant before leaving. “Go on.”
“We’re going to fix this. I said we, not me and not you, because it might be easier for you to blame me for everything, but you were at fault too.” He stood, his eyes burning with an intensity I hadn’t seen in years. “I’ve fucking missed you, Ivy Lee, and I need my friend back. Seeing you at the stadium that first day?” He laughed, and a faraway, dazed look crossed his face. “It was like a punch to the gut.”
“You glared at me,” I said softly. “You stared at me like you hated me.”
“I have never hated you. I will never hate you.” He bent down again and placed his hands on my knees. His familiar scent waded over me, making my heart relax and beat home, home, home.
“What you said…” I swallowed. “You were so mean to me. You said I’d never be on a team, that I couldn’t live through you. That’d I’d never find what I was looking for. Callum, you hit me at my weakest areas.”
He gripped his hair. “Ivy, you were going on about how you thought your parents should divorce?—”
“Yes, because they were just complaining to me left and right, like that bonded us or something. They’re fine now, whatever, but I wanted you to sympathize with me, not tell me how ungrateful and spoiled I was.” My voice shook, and I hated how pathetic I sounded. My parents had fought all the time, dragging me into it, and it was a lot. I wanted my best friend to let me vent, but it turned into a yelling fest and our breakup.
“I found out my dad cheated on my mom that morning, Ivy.” He paced a few steps. “He had an affair with a woman twenty years younger than her and had a kid on the way. My dad, who I admired and looked up to, had another fucking child. So yeah. You went on and on about your parents, who at least hadn’t done that shit.”
“Callum.” My stomach bottomed out in horror.
“Hearing you complain pissed me off, and I wasn’t ready to talk about it, obviously. I’m still mad.” He ran a hand over his face. “Then, when you didn’t like my response, you said the football team was changing me, and I lost it.”
My stomach bottomed out, and I had to grip the side of the couch. “You didn’t tell me about your dad.”
“Yeah. It was a lot to fucking deal with.” He dug his palms into his eyes and rolled his shoulders back. “I’m still working through it, but that’s not the point. I was at a low point, and I said mean things to you. You pushed me, but that’s not on you. I’m sorry, Ivy, for acting out and letting stubborn pride prevent us from being in each other’s lives all these years.”
I swallowed, wanting to say a million things. Guilt tore at me, knowing he went through this without my help. The betrayal, the lies… my heart ached for him and his family. I wanted to ask about his father, the kid who had to be two now? Jeez. But it was clear it wasn’t the time. I nodded and found myself saying, “I’m sorry too.”
He took my hand and squeezed before letting it drop. That momentary truce felt big, even though we had so much to work through.
I wasn’t exactly sure the protocol when your body relaxed around someone who broke your trust, but it felt traitorous to want to curl up into him. I opened my mouth to speak, my eyes watering, but I refused to let tears spill over again. “Callum?—”
“Things happen for a reason. I firmly believe that. We don’t have to like them, but fate is a fickle bitch.” He gave me a half smile. “My sisters always said it was foolish to try to understand why things happened, to just stay along for the ride. We have shit to work through, but I’m willing to do it. Are you?”
I gulped. He ran small circles over my kneecaps with his thumbs, the sensation sending heat down my legs. He was such a touchy person. He always had been. Hugs and kissing, a hand here or there. This was normal Callum, yet the goose bumps from heat and awareness were unwelcome. One thing I knew with absolute certainty: Callum would never look at me or touch me in a heated way. I kinda hated it.
I placed my hands over his, stilling him. His eyes tightened on the sides, almost like he was preparing for me to dismiss him. A flicker of pride coursed through me, causing me to sit up straighter. “I don’t want to get hurt again.”
“Who does? Life is worth a little hurt, Ivy.” He eyed my knees, then arched a brow like duh.
I took a deep breath. He wasn’t getting it. Maybe he was choosing ignorance, or maybe it would be easier to just agree to get him to leave my space. He infiltrated my apartment, air, and thoughts, and it was just too much. I needed time to digest what he shared and reflect on that day with that new information. I wasn’t entirely innocent, but I hadn’t been the one to end everything—that was all him. “Fine. Maybe. Okay? Is that good?”
“Maybe?” He rocked back, eyebrows reaching his hairline. “I can work with maybe. I can do a lot with maybe.”
“You look way too excited for a guy who didn’t get a yes from me,” I mumbled.
“You’re focusing on the negatives. I choose to focus on the positives.” He stood and ran a hand through his hair as his dimples returned. “No one verbally spars with me like you. Fuck, I missed this shit.”
“You missed my arguing? How lovely. Clearly, you’ve only become more stubborn and set in your ways. Without me the last three years, I can only imagine the size of your ego and what it turned into.”
“See?” He grinned as warmth flooded his gaze. “Is your number still the same?”
I winced. “Yes, but uh, I blocked you.”
“Mm.” He narrowed his eyes. “Care to unblock me?”
“I’ll think about it.” My face heated, and I didn’t know what the heck to do with my hands. The silence grew, not uncomfortable but not pleasant as Callum walked to my door.
Fact: did you know when you blushed, your stomach did too? Weird. Super weird.
“See you at the stadium tomorrow, Ivy Lee. Lock up after me.”
The door clicked, and I remained in place, completely torn about the turn of events. A part of me wondered if I secretly wanted this. I knew going into this field would possibly land me a spot at the stadium. My goal of proving to my parents and myself that I could make it in sports despite my injury would always cross Callum’s. And maybe, a foolish, deep-rooted wish was to do this with Callum.
But him confronting us, our past and saying we both messed up wasn’t something I was prepared for. I couldn’t pinpoint what the ideal situation was, or what I wished I would’ve said, but as I sat there, chewing the side of my lip, I understood one thing.
I was looking forward to seeing him the next day. And that… that was dangerous.