12. Callum
You could maybe blame this fierce protectiveness I had for Ivy on the fact I had three sisters. I felt protective about them too, always had, but this fierce, desperate urge to make sure Ivy was okay consumed me.
She hadn’t been going to therapy.
She was pushing herself too much on the field, courtesy of her parents, no doubt. They raised her to think she was inferior or weak because she wasn’t an athlete. It was utter bullshit. She was stronger than anyone I knew, but seeing the twist of her lips and the strain around her eyes as she gripped my car hurt me.
Physically caused me pain.
I scratched my chest and tried to distract her. “What was the best part of your day?”
“Uh, Henry telling me he’d call a few people about getting me an interview for an NFL team.”
“Hell yeah.” I grinned. “That’s great news. Where at, do you know?”
“Chicago.”
“They’re a good team right now. I like their head coach. He used to attend Illinois State as a player, and my buddy there is his biggest fan. I don’t know about their athletic program, but I’m sure its solid.” I tapped the wheel as I neared the football house. “What?—”
“Your turn. Best part of your day.”
“This is about you.”
“You don’t get to pull your trickery on me, buddy.”
Buddy. Hearing her call me buddy was weird, but I shook it off. “Trickery?”
“I remember the little games you played.” She laughed, which was a good sign. I liked the sound of her giggle. It reminded me of years of joy. An irrational part of me wanted to keep all her laughs to myself, but that was barbaric. My sisters would kill me for even having that thought. “You told me how you always ask the ladies questions so they talk about themselves and that psychologically, when people talk about themselves it makes them feel good, so when they feel good, they like you. Remember, my brain is a steel trap of things I can’t forget.”
Frowning, I adjusted my grip on the wheel as I parked on the side street near the house. That was shit I did. But never to her. “I don’t do that to you.”
“I know. I’m not one of your ladies, Callum.” Her tone was off somehow, like she was shielding the real feelings she had. I hated when she did that. I used to call her on it, and she’d cave, but with the three years of distance, I wasn’t sure I had that privilege. Also, she was one of my ladies… one of my favorite ones.
Her shoulders sagged as she stared out the window, and I took a moment to study her. Her chest moved fast, and she tapped her fingers together in a pattern, almost like she was stressed. Was she stressed because of me? Because of her pain?
Or was she sad?
Fuck. I didn’t know her tells anymore, and I vowed to become the Ivy expert again. It made me feel… like I mattered. I could be there for her, whatever she needed, and it felt good.
I had to make this right, to appease this ache in my heart.
“To clarify, I never once used any of my tricks or douchebaggery on you. Never you. You’re not in that part of my mind.”
“What part am I in?”
Ivy met my gaze head on, her wide eyes clear of any judgement per usual. She was so curious. Always asked questions in class, never settled for a half-answer. Her glasses slid down her nose just a half of inch, and it was cute as fuck. Not the moment to tell her, but my finger twitched with the urge to push them up. Maybe run my fingers through her long hair for a second.
“You have your own special Ivy part. Football takes up a good chunk, then my family and friends. There’s at least a section in there for food alone. God, I love food.”
She smiled like I wanted her to.
“But then there is a whole part that is just you.” I shrugged, my pulse speeding up at admitting the truth. Because it was true. I didn’t put Ivy in the same portion of my life as everyone else. She was different, better, somehow. It was why I never compared her to any of the other girls I slept around with. They never measured up to her, ever. “While I might use tactics with others or joke around instead of talk about real shit with people, I don’t do that with you.”
“Is this… normal?”
“What?”
We left my car, her bag on my shoulder again, as I led her into the front door. “What do you mean is this normal?”
“Just. You don’t do that with your other friends. Should we… slow down? Be regular friends and not…”
“What is this? Why are you asking me that?” My tone came out clipped and harsh. Slow down? What the fuck?
“Ivy, what are you doing in the house?” Luca asked as he came around the living room corner. His usual hard expression softened just a bit. “House checks now required by Henry?”
“Yes, actually,” she fired back. “I’m here to monitor your calorie intake.” She jutted her chin at the big ass sandwich Luca shoved into his mouth.
“Fuck that.”
He continued moving toward the stairs, leaving Ivy and me alone again. “What did you?—”
“Where is the ice bath? My knee and arm are aching.”
Fuck. Of course.
“Come on.”
I set her bag on the table and guided her toward the backyard. It wasn’t the best setup, but we had a large tub for this exact reason. It took more trips than I thought to get ice in there, but it was set up right in the sun, so it wouldn’t be too painful for her. “I even have a speaker, so we can listen to comedy while you ice.”
“Hey, thank you.” She leaned into me, pressing her body against mine for a beat. “This is so sweet. I appreciate it.”
“You’re welcome.”
I breathed her in, an unfamiliar sensation filling my gut. She smelled so good. I wanted to bury my nose in the crook of her neck to see how she smelled. “Do you want a T-shirt to put on, so you don’t ruin your outfit?”
“Wait. Am I not just doing my legs?”
I shook my head. “Nope.”
She chewed her lip. “I’ve never…I’ve only done isolated ice baths.”
“Do I need to quote facts at you about this?” I teased, tugging the end of her hair. Instead of going full weirdo, I let go after a second. “I think it’ll help since you use your entire body at this internship. It’s more physical than you’re used to, and you can do it and kick ass. You are kicking ass. But, as your friend, it’s my job to make sure you take care of yourself. Now, I will give you two minutes if you want to change, or I’m throwing you in.”
She swallowed and gave me a soft smile. I handed her one of my T-shirts, and she ran inside. Once she was stuck in the ice bath for fifteen minutes, I’d have her clarify the slowing down comment.
I sure as fuck didn’t want to step back from her. I missed the shit out of her. Didn’t she? She seemed content we were friends again. More than content. I knew no one took care of her, and I wanted to fill that void so badly. But why step back? Even thinking about having a lesser version of her hurt me. She needed to clarify the comment before I lost my mind trying to figure it out. Because one thing I did super well? Spiral.
Ivy and I weren’t changing a thing, that was for sure.
My phone buzzed, and Lorelei’s face popped up.
I answered the video call. “What up, girl?”
“Just wanted proof of life.” Lo grinned. “Missed your dumb face.”
“The ladies always do.” I winked. “Everything okay? You never video call me.”
“Well, two things. First, are you coming to girls’ night tomorrow? You missed the last two weeks, and if you skip three in a row, you’re kicked out.”
“Shit. Sorry.” I ran a hand over my face. Lorelei and Mack, along with the girls soccer team, started a Tuesday night meeting at a bar with a set agenda. It began last summer and had been a routine for all of us minus holidays. They were ridiculous and amazing, and I only went to piss Luca off at first, but then I grew to love them. “I’ll be there.”
“Good. We have a bet going on we need to tell you about. Second thing though. Luca said Ivy is at the football house? I need details.”
“You called for gossip because of Luca? This is juicy as fuck.” I laughed. “But you’ll have to wait for tomorrow.”
“You monster.”
“You love me anyway.”
The back door opened, and I glanced up, a smile still on my face from Lo as I froze. There was a flaw in my plan. A detail I’d severely overlooked. Ivy wore only my T-shirt.
My throat closed up. My blood hummed. A white-hot bolt of lust exploded from my chest as she walked toward me. My shirt hung three inches over her knees, her long ass legs on display. The fabric hugged her tits, and I fisted my hands at my sides. Her hair hung on either side of her shoulders, and the sun made her eyes look as green as the grass, and holy fuck. Ivy was stunning. She was delicious. Perfect. Mine.
“Callum? What just happened? Why do you look like that?” Lo’s voice seemed distorted.
My brain short-circuited at seeing Ivy in my shirt. Why did I give her a gray one? What the hell was I thinking?
“Gotta go. See you tomorrow.” I hung up on Lorelei, damn well knowing she’d grill me later.
I needed all my focus on Ivy right now. She held her clothes tight against her chest as she neared me, a nervous expression on her face. I wanted to say something, anything, but no words came out.
“If you gotta make a call or something, you can.” She licked her lips as she stared at the bath. “I might need your help getting in, but I’ll be okay.”
“No, I’m with you,” I barked out. What the hell was happening? It was Ivy. I’d seen her in swimming suits before, and my body hadn’t reacted like this. My stomach twisted with how much she affected me. Her legs were smooth, and her badass scar shone in the light. I wanted to fucking drag my mouth over it.
Get it together, dude. My man. You’re too much.
It’s Ivy! She’d run the other way.
She exhaled. “Callum, I’m nervous.”
“I’m with you.” I held out my hands. “Give me the clothes, and I’ll help you in.”
Her jaw flexed as she passed me her outfit. I didn’t mean to look, but some bright red fabric peeked out from under the navy shirt she passed me and fucking shit. Didn’t think about that either. She was braless. Under my shirt.
She handed me all her clothes, which definitely contained her red panties, which left her in nothing but my clothes.
Now that I knew that, I couldn’t stop my gaze from trailing over the small curves of her breasts. Her nipples were tight peaks, poking through the fabric. Once she’s wet…
“This is giving me an appreciation for what you guys do all the time.” She clutched the edge of the tub, her breaths coming out in shallow huffs. “Do you just dive in?”
I needed to focus on the task at hand and not her body. I owed her that. I usually hoisted myself up and slowly went in, but I wasn’t sure if she could do that. “Do you need my help?”
“I-I don’t think so.” Her hand trembled as she gripped the side of the bath, and I felt like an ass.
She was so nervous and trying not to show it.
“Hey.” I put my hand on her shoulder, turning her toward me. “Do you want me to go in with you?”
The relief on her face was immediate. Her eyes bugged out as she nodded, but then she masked her expression. “I mean, if you don’t mind.”
“Stop lying to me,” I said, a little harsh. “You never held back from me before, and I don’t want you to now. You’re nervous as fuck. Tell me so I can help.”
She blinked before glancing away. “I don’t want you to think I’m weak.”
“Ivy.” My voice cracked with emotion. “I have never for one second thought you were weak.”
I whipped my shirt off and tossed it on the ground. My shorts followed. I still wore workout shorts underneath and kept those on. Shoes came off next. “I do this all the time, as you know. The first thirty seconds are brutal, then you’ll adjust. I’ll go in first then guide you in, okay?”
She nodded.
The motion was second nature to me. I put one leg in, then the other, then I went down. The instant pain was like lightning. It sucked the air out of you. Then, you leveled out. Once I evened out, I pushed up and held out a hand. “Your turn.”
She took it, her hand completely shaking, and I waited as she stepped one leg in. “Shit.”
“Don’t think, just do it. I got you.”
She closed her eyes and submerged into the ice bath. She gasped, and I knew she was in shock right now. It was jarring as hell.
The tub was small enough that she had to sit completely on top of me, and I wrapped my arms around her, holding her tight against me. Her hair tickled my nose, her lilac shampoo smelling damn good. If it wasn’t so fucking cold, I’d think about how she was pressed against me, how she wore nothing under the shirt.
“H-h-holy shit.”
“Fourteen more minutes. You can do it.” I squeezed her against me tighter. Her wet skin slid against mine, and fuck, it was quite a sensation. “Match your breathing to mine.”
It took a few minutes, but she did. Her heart slowed, and she relaxed into me. “Okay. Okay. I’m done freaking out, I think.”
“Good. This’ll help you since you’re determined to pretend you don’t need therapy or care.”
She sighed and tried moving away from me, but the tub was too small and my grip too tight.
“Nowhere for you to go, Ivy Lee,” I said, my lips brushing against her temple. “I told you before, and I’ll say it now, so you really hear me. You are the strongest person I know. Asking for help isn’t weakness. It’s strength to know your body and how to take care of it.”
She shook her head, probably preparing to argue with me, so I continued. “Why would I lie to you? You survived a life-altering accident as a child. You went through years of physical and mental therapy to heal as a child. You’ve survived pain most people never have to go through. That makes you strong as hell. I might be an athlete, but I don’t have your resilience.”
“I work with Division One athletes who are going to play in the NFL. I’m a petite female who gets tired from walking. My parents made sure to tell me how it’s such a shame I’ll never live up to my athletic potential and engrained in me not to tell people about my accident.”
“Fuck that. Your potential?” I gripped her tighter. “I wish you could see yourself like I see you. You’re a badass, you are the smartest person I know, and you aren’t intimidated by anyone. Literally no one scares you. I get nervous around the Dean of Athletics or any lawyer. Not you though.”
She sucked in a breath at my words. “When you…we… argued that summer and you wouldn’t respond to me for weeks—” she swallowed, and her body trembled again “—it was really easy for me to assume it was because I wasn’t cool enough to be friends with you. That I was the dorky, weak sidekick you wanted to get rid of.”
“Ivy.” Pain slashed my chest like she stabbed me with a knife. “That?—”
“Please, let me finish.”
There was zero room between our bodies, but I needed her closer. I repositioned my arms around her so one was on her stomach, the other around her shoulders. I wrapped myself around her, the desperate claw of worry tying me to her. I didn’t like the shakiness of her voice or how her tone dropped like she was about to give bad news. Her words from earlier about stepping back repeated, and a panicked ache formed. I couldn’t lose her again.
“Sorry, please, continue,” I rasped out.
“I never thought I was good enough to be in your life, so I lived it like I knew it was temporary, like a gift. Almost like you were superior to me, and you were doing me a favor by letting me be your friend.”
What. The. Fuck? I bit my cheek to prevent myself from blurting out anything. Her words legit caused me agony. They were so far from the truth and so insulting to my character that it took every ounce of strength to remain quiet.
“I know that’s not true at all. I realized that the last few years actually. Maybe that’s a silver lining somehow. But I shared that with you so you know that while I’ve grown in many areas, I still have room. My future depends on this internship, and I can’t show an ounce of weakness, or my dream could be crushed. It might not be rational, and I know I could do more to take care of myself, but my confidence and insecurities are tied to my injury. I’m still working through it.”
One thing my sisters engrained in me was that when someone shared feelings or expressed vulnerability, you thanked them for sharing. Even though I wanted to say a million things back and argue with her, doing that wasn’t right. “Thank you for being honest with me and trusting me with the truth.”
I didn’t realize how tense she was until her body relaxed at my words.
“Seven more minutes,” I said, eyeing my smartwatch.
“I forgot I was in the water at this point.” She laughed. “Exposing your core weaknesses is a good distraction.”
“You’re being honest.” I could be too. “In an effort to also be open, can I ask a question about something?”
“Yeah, we’re past asking permission for questions, Cally.”
I grinned. She hadn’t called me Cally in years. “I just got you back in my life, and you mentioned slowing down. That…I don’t want you stepping back. I’m terrified of losing you again.”
“But, why? Your life is so full! You have amazing teammates, this house, the team. I’m glad we’re friends again because I missed you a lot, but…” She sighed. “I don’t know how to say this.”
My jaw clenched. “Try.”
“I know we both had things to apologize for, and we both weren’t the best of friends to each other, but I’m still not over you kicking me out of your life that first month of college. I’m scared you’ll hurt me again. I’m not like you Callum. I don’t have the big personality where I can befriend everyone. Stepping back for me is a way to protect myself. So, when you say you’re terrified, it’s hard to believe because you stepped away first.”
I closed my eyes and forced myself not to react. I couldn’t deny the truth to her words, and that felt like swallowing glass. I had hurt her first, and despite us hashing our feelings out, that hurt was gonna live with her for a while. I understood why she needed to put up a wall between us, even if I hated the fact she had to. Living with regrets wasn’t something I did often, but one popped up into my head with flashing lights.
What if I’d never pushed her away out of pride and anger? What if we’d hung out all these years, growing together? What if I saw her grow into herself, instead of learning about it now?
What if she never trusts me again?
That was the root of my fear. The reason I had acted like a carefree dude the last few years, earning my wild reputation, was because I never let myself care about anything or anyone too much. No one would be able to fill the Ivy void, so I never tried. I partied and distracted myself to hide the pain.
“I’ll continue to show you how much you mean to me, and I’ll never stop trying to earn your trust back.” I kissed her temple, letting my lips linger on her skin. She was warm despite being in a bucket of ice water. “I’m selfish probably, but I don’t want some of you, I happen to love all parts of you, Ivy Lee. You don’t have to believe me, and I’m not arguing with you. Your feelings are valid and justified. However, I think you’re misunderstanding or not realizing how fucked up I’ve been without you, okay? You might’ve gotten hurt first, but I hurt just as bad.”
“Are we foolish for trying this again? Seriously, this is messy and?—”
“Ivy,” I snapped and flipped her around in the water so I could look at her. Our chests pressed together as she wrapped her legs around my waist. My shirt flowed in the water, and it took all my willpower to not look down. Her eyes widened, and her lips parted as I cupped her jaw with one hand. She gulped. “I’m not letting you out of my life again. Do you understand? If I have to spend the next ten years getting you to trust me, I will.”
She blinked a lot, and her glasses slid down her nose. I adjusted the frames, pushing them back up before smiling at her. “I realize that was slightly aggressive. If you tell me you want me out of our friendship, I will respect it. I just—” This time words were hard for me. Maybe it was the way she stared at me with her large, gorgeous eyes or the slight parting of her very full lips. Or the fact she wore just my shirt, and it was a thin piece of cotton separating her naked body from me. My life felt calm and right for the first time in years since we reconnected, and I knew it was because of her. She thought I was joking when I said part of my brain was dedicated just to her, but it was true. That portion laid dormant and made me miserable and sad without her.
My gaze dropped to her lips, and my skin prickled with want. I was the guy who had to try everything once just to experience something. It was a part of my personality. A pro and a con. And the curious part of my soul was begging.
I wonder what she’d taste like.
Kiss her. Try it. What’s the worst that could happen?
The rational part of my brain was nowhere to be found. I wanted to kiss my best friend.