Chapter 15
Austin
During the ride home, I panic. I don’t know what I’m doing.
I do but I don’t. Because I’m a logical person with anxiety, I overthink things.
I’ve made a million pros and cons lists of being together.
I’m going to make the biggest mistake of my life or the best decision ever. Logic has left the building.
All the reasons not to be with him stand, but his quiet acceptance of whatever I’ll give him has worn me down. I have to believe I can be better for him. He deserves someone who will try their best, and I won’t give up if he doesn’t.
My nerves are a live wire that could power the city tonight.
I’ve been dropping hints all week, and he hasn’t picked up on them. Or he’s not interested, but I’m an optimist, and he basically said he wants a repeat of our night in Vegas.
My notes weren’t direct enough.
The night Grayson asked me to hit the foam roller switched something inside me. I’d felt like a helpless victim, and he handed me a way to get my control back. I’ve spoken with a sports psychologist, and I’m not naive and think I’m cured, but she told me to stop being afraid of my wants.
Here I am, desperate for my best friend. The physical distance between us needs to disappear. Forever.
This is me being brave.
I want Gray.
He’s clearly confused about why I’m rushing him along, but I can’t wait any longer. It’s been almost a month since Vegas, and I’d convinced myself I couldn’t have him.
But if I’m brave, I can.
We’ve got all night long because we both have a rare full day off tomorrow. One of us usually has meetings if we don’t have practice or a game.
All the way home, I keep my hands to myself and think I deserve a medal for my efforts. After all, his hair is falling out of its band, and I greedily want to tear it out to sink my fingers in it.
“What’s happening right now?” Gray asks as I lace our fingers and drag him over to the couch.
“I’ve been thinking.” I climb onto his lap. “You were right.”
Gray tilts his head, waiting for me to continue. I sort of hoped he’d fill in the blanks of the conversation by kissing me. His brown eyes dance, and his smile has pulled the scar on his lip tight. When he doesn’t wrap his arms around me, I push closer and his pupils widen.
“I was stupid and really want to kiss you again. Can I?” As the silence stretches, my heart’s beating triple time.
He licks his lips, and I track his tongue. Gray groans.
“Tinny, I’m worried about you.” His hands settle on my hips. The relief of his touch is instantaneous.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have told you all that stuff and made you worry.” He hasn’t consented, and it’s killing me. Life won’t be the same if I’m wrong about us.
“I’m glad you told me, but I wish you’d told me years ago.” He glances down, and I don’t understand his sorrow.
“Are you mad at me?” I ask.
“Not at all.”
“Did you change your mind?” I shift to the side, exploring whether I’m imagining the bulge in his pants or not. I’m not. Thank God. He’s hard and growing larger.
“No. But…” He doesn’t say anything else as he trails his fingers along my hairline, around my ear, then cups my jaw.
I remind myself to stay where I am and be brave. I’ve never been in a position where I wasn’t sure of the other person’s feelings. Most women make it extremely clear what they want.
“Do you like living with me?” he asks, changing the subject, and I rear back. His large palm splays over my shoulder blades.
“Of course,” I answer, unsure why he’s asking.
“And you like our life and friendship?”
“G, we won’t lose this,” I say, bringing our foreheads together. “I promise.”
I inhale his hungry laugh. “You can’t promise that,” he whispers, a hair’s breadth away from my lips. My body coils tight, ready for him to say yes and give us what we both want.
“I want to promise you everything,” I say seriously. I trust him implicitly, and I’ve never been in a relationship where I think about the person all the time. Only him. He’s constantly on my mind.
“What happens when the darkness comes back?” He rubs his cheek against mine, and the friction of our stubble makes me shiver.
“You showed me I can take my control back.” I press a light kiss to his lips, and it’s excruciating to hold back from devouring him. He’s most likely felt this way for weeks, and I’ve been the one denying him.
“Tinny, promise to tell me if it happens again. I will help you. Please don’t shut me out.” His voice breaks.
Grayson grabs my ass and pulls me closer.
“Okay.” I lean in to kiss him again, but he tips his head back.
“I’m serious. We can’t do this if you don’t promise to let me support you.”
It’s the easiest promise to make. “I will. I do,” I say, chuckling because I sound silly, almost like I’m making a wedding vow. “For you, I mean it. It’s so exhausting, pretending I don’t want you naked and with me every second of the day.”
“You want me every second or want me naked every second?” He deepens our kiss, and my heart stops, then gallops to catch up.
“Same difference. When Bex was teasing us, I wanted to tell her to shut her mouth because you’re not just my roommate,” I say in between kisses.
“Then you’ll be accused of copying Drake and Lucky’s coming out,” Gray says.
Drake and Lucky did an interview at Q Solutions, and their kiss at the end was their coming out.
His hand presses my back so we’re chest to chest. “Meanwhile, my depraved mind went to choking on your dick with Benz’s comment about choking on your stew. ”
“My dick will not complain.” I reposition us into a reclining position so our cocks rub together.
An inhuman groan rips from my throat. Grayson reacts by flipping us so he’s on top. It’s as if he can read my mind and knows I need him in control. I wrap my legs around him and force his full weight onto me. My body sings in response.
“If we do this, you can’t run from me. You can’t act like this didn’t happen.” Gray runs his tongue along my jaw, and I tip my head back so he has better access to my throat.
“What’s going to happen?” I ask as I buck my hips into his.
“As much as you want.” He sucks my Adam’s apple and I mew.
“Everything,” I gush.
Gray chuckles and removes his shirt, so I reach behind me to tear mine off.
“Fuck, that was sexy.” Gray stares down at me. “That was a movie-worthy moment I’d love to watch in slo-mo over and over.”
“Taking my shirt off?” He’s seen me do it thousands of times.
“You severely underestimate the one-handed, behind-the-back grab to reveal these abs.” His fingertips dip into my grooves, and they dance in response for him.
Plenty of people have admired and commented on my body, but Gray’s words lift my soul so high I’m flying.
His hand moves away, but I trap it under mine. “Please keep touching me.” My voice doesn’t sound like my own.
Gray massages my pecks and crashes our mouths together. He tastes like spearmint gum and home, and I can’t get enough. I undo and drag his zipper down. To get his pants off, I’d need to stop kissing him, so instead, I shove my hands down his back to grip his bare ass.
“Tinny…” He moans my name like an ache, a forbidden promise, and a plea for more. Two syllables convey so much emotion that stars burst behind my eyelids.
“We need to get naked.” He leaps up, shedding his pants, then yanks my joggers and boxer briefs down in one motion.
Every part of my body yearns for him. I didn’t know it was possible to crave someone on a cellular level. I’m jealous of the air surrounding him because it’s not me.
“Someone’s happy to see me.” His fist closes around my cock, which points at him. It usually doesn’t lean left, but it knows where he is, and Gray is all my dick wants.
“So happy,” I murmur, and pull him back down, sighing into his mouth. Our naked skin presses together as if we can meld into one.
My dick lurches as he opens his hand to take us both.
“I won’t last. Give me more,” I plead, my orgasm building in my balls. Right before I get swept away, a dark explosion happens in my mind and threatens to take me over.
“Gray, help,” I breathe out, screwing my eyes shut and tensing all my muscles to keep the threat from spreading.
“Shhh. I’m here.” He maneuvers me into a sitting position. “Open your eyes, Tinny. Show me your baby blues.”
Fear acts like a swift poison, freezing me in place.
“Trust me.” His soothing voice counteracts the darkness, and his big doe eyes reassure me.
“You failed to mention the cock-blocking aspect of your dark friend.” He tries to lighten the mood, but he can’t keep the concern out of his tone.
Despite the desperation to rid myself of the fear, he’s right—it has terrible timing.
“What do I do?” I choke out. With anyone else, I’d leave and never come back. But he made me promise, and I live here. Damn inconvenient. I’m so stupid for believing I could do better. That I could force the darkness away out of sheer will and live in the light with Gray.
“Tell me what’s happening, and we can figure it out.” He’s kneeling between my thighs.
“I was about to come, and it was overwhelmingly brilliant, and then the darkness exploded through me instead of an orgasm.” Shame washes over me, and I’m itching to pace.
“Can you sit with that for a minute?” he asks, and I nod. “Has it ever happened in place of an orgasm before?”
“No.” That’s worse, and I’m concerned he’ll think it’s his fault. “But it’s not you. It’s me.”
“Maybe it’s both of us together. I knew better than to do this with you. I promised myself we’d take our time, and you overrode my sanity.” Gray gathers my hands in his. “How’s the darkness now?”
I register it looming under the surface, ready to strike again. “It’s there but in the background.” I’m not okay with him deciding I’m fragile and we need to take our time. But I won’t say that out loud and cause a fight.
“Like you’re in control?” He brings my hand up to kiss my knuckles, and the sweet gesture unties the knot in my stomach.
“For sure.” I concentrate on containing the darkness and shoving it back in a box.
“Could it be triggered by your fear of loss of control?” he asks tentatively, moving to sit in my lap as if my impulse to pace is evident on my face. As I think, he asks another question. “Did you have any other thoughts before things turned in your head?”
I blush at the memory and don’t want to say the words out loud.
“I’ll take that as a yes.” He stands and pulls me up too.
“Where are we going?” He’s too understanding about the way I threw myself at him and freaked out. He should be with someone more stable than I am. I’ll only disappoint him.
“To bed. Together.” Gray leads me to my room.