Chapter 25
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
B laine’s heart was falling apart with every step he took.
He had to get out of that castle. He had to get as far away from Kathleen, as far away from all this as he could. The mission had left him with enough gold to keep him fed and clothed for a while. He could disappear into the mountains, far away from anyone he knew or who knew him. He could take some time for himself and come to terms with this loss, just as he had come to terms with every other loss in his life.
His footsteps, however, took him to Laird Stewart’s study, though he didn’t realize it until he was standing outside his door. Unlikely as it was, it felt as though the laird was the only ally he had in that castle, and so he didn’t know where else to go or whom else to turn to .
He knocked on the man’s door, his other hand rubbing over his eyes. Despair coiled in his chest, heavy and unbearable. Nausea gripped him, sinking its claws into his stomach, and for a moment, he had to brace himself against the door frame, trying to keep himself steady on his swaying feet.
No other separation had ever left him reeling like this. No other goodbye had been as painful, as wounding. And no other woman had captured his heart like Kathleen had, to the point that it would always belong to her in its entirety.
“Come in,” the laird called from the other side of the door, and Blaine pulled himself together with a sharp intake of breath. Nothing had ever managed to break him before—not the battles he had fought, not the lives he had taken, not the struggles of his past. This wouldn’t break him either, he decided.
Pushing the door open, Blaine bowed at Laird Stewart and approached his ornate desk. The laird gestured to him to sit, and Blaine took the plush armchair across from him, sinking into the soft leather. As he looked at the other man, it appeared to him that he had aged several years in the span of a mere hour or two. Concern dragged his lids down, weighing them, and a frown had invaded his face, as though he could never again know peace.
Whatever Blaine could tell him about himself and Kathleen would surely pale in comparison to what troubled the laird, and so he refrained from mentioning his own problems. Instead, he asked, “What is the matter?”
“Och aye,” said Laird Stewart. He sounded so weary, so defeated that Blaine could only imagine the news the scouts had brought with them and the result of the meeting had been terribly concerning. “Clan Campbell has attacked Moy Hall. It’s only a matter o’ time afore they attack here too.”
“Moy Hall?” Blaine asked, wide eyed as he leaned forward in his seat. There was no way Kathleen had found out about this yet. He could imagine her fear when it would, the panic that would surely overtake her. Her family, her loved ones, were in Moy Hall, save for her parents. And if what Laird Stewart was saying was true, then they, too, would soon be under attack. “Are there losses?”
“Aye, so it seems,” said Laird Stewart. “We received word it was a vicious fight, but the Campbells were defeated. They seemed tae have sent only a part o’ their troops there, so we think the rest are on their way here as we speak. It’s a good thing ye havenae left yet. We’ll need ye in our ranks.”
Blaine shook his head. “Nay, I am leavin’. I cannae stay here.”
“Well, ye certainly cannae leave!” said Laird Stewart with a surprised, humorless laugh. “Did ye nae hear me? They’re on their way. Ye cannae avoid them an’ they ken who ye are. They’ll capture ye afore ye can dae anythin’ about it! ”
“Why would they?” Blaine asked. “I’m only a hired sword. What does it matter tae them?”
“I’m sure it matters now after the Campbells attacked ye,” said Laird Stewart. “Ye might think ye’re nae in danger, an’ ye could be right. They could let ye cross undisturbed. But what if they dinnae? Ye cannae fight an entire army on yer own.”
“Half an army by the sound o’ it.”
Laird Stewart seemed entirely unimpressed by his show of wit as he stared at him, his expression blank. Blaine tapped his fingers nervously against the armrest, drawing his bottom lip between his teeth as he turned to stare out of the window.
No, no, he couldn’t stay. It would be best for everyone if he simply left. Clan Stewart had plenty of good men, according to the laird, so his presence wouldn’t be missed.
“I have tae leave,” Blaine insisted after a moment of silence. He didn’t trust himself in the same place as Kathleen, not after agreeing to the laird’s plan and sneaking into her chambers like that, only to once again bed her. There had to be something terribly wrong with him if he couldn’t control himself at all around her, and that was precisely why he had to leave, why they could never cross paths again “I have tae. An’ I’ll be fine, me laird. I’ve been workin’ as a hired sword fer over a decade, I ken how tae take care o’ meself. I’ll go through the woods. They willnae find me.”
Laird Stewart shook his head with a heavy sigh, running a hand through his graying hair. “I dinnae think it’s a good idea. And I would be grateful tae have ye among me men. But I cannae stop ye, can I?”
Blaine mirrored the movement, shaking his own head. “Nay. I’m sorry.”
“Nay even if I bribe ye?” asked the laird with a playful smirk.
Blaine huffed out a short laugh. “I’m afraid nae this time,” he said. “But any other time, I would have taken ye up on yer offer.”
“This is because o’ Bran, is it nae?”
“It’s because o’ Kathleen,” said Blaine and admitting it out loud was as painful as swallowing a handful of glass, the words scraping against his throat. “She daesnae wish tae be near me, an’ I understand that.”
“She told ye that? ”
“Och aye, she did.”
Laird Stewart hummed thoughtfully, scratching the back of his head idly as he leaned back to stare at the ceiling.
“Well, I’m sorry fer that,” Laird Stewart said. “I truly thought ye could resolve this.”
“I dinnae think there is anythin’ tae resolve,” Blaine admitted with a small shrug, trying to look nonchalant even as the knot in his throat grew and grew with every word he spoke. “She has every right tae never wish tae see me again after I betrayed her trust. That was what I should have expected. An’ besides, her faither would never allow us tae be together, so in the end, I suppose it truly daesnae matter.”
Laird Stewart listened to him carefully, nodding along. For a while, they were both silent, and Blaine wasn’t surprised. What was there for anyone to say? There were no words of comfort that would help.
“Alright,” said Laird Stewart as he pushed his chair back and stood. Blaine did the same, shooting up to his feet, and following the laird out of his study as he made his way to the door. “It’s yer decision. I shall have the maids pack ye some food tae take with ye. ”
“Ye truly dinnae have tae dae that,” Blaine assured him. “I’ll be fine. I’ll find a village along the way an’—”
“Nonsense,” said Laird Stewart, waving a hand dismissively. “It’s nay trouble. It will only take a few minutes.”
There was no defying the laird’s will, and so Blaine followed him from his study down to the kitchens, where the cooks and the maids were rushing around, preparing for that night’s dinner. He lingered by the door as Laird Stewart spoke to one of the cooks, asking for a bundle of cheese, dried meats, and fruits for Blaine to take with him on his journey, and once everything was packed, one of the maids handed the small parcel to him.
“Take care on yer journey,” said Laird Stewart. “Where will ye go now?”
“I dinnae ken,” Blaine admitted.
“God be with ye wherever ye are.”
“Thank ye, me laird,” said Blaine, bowing to him one last time. “Fer everythin’. And I wish you all the best fer Mistress Fenella’s wedding. ”
“She is rather unhappy right now, but her betrothed is a good, kind man and I believe they have much in common. I think in time she will come to accept him and be happy, but it isnae easy fer a faither tae watch their child suffering. Which is why I understand Bran’s pain tae a degree… But I wish ye the best of luck.” He patted the younger man’s back.
Blaine left, heading back to the courtyard from the kitchens. He had only just managed to reach the main entrance, though, when he saw none other than Lady Ilyssa in his path, who upon spotting him, immediately made her way to him.
There was no avoiding her, no matter how much Blaine wished he could. Instead of trying to run away, which would only make him look ridiculous, he remained rooted on the spot.
Soon enough, his hopes were shattered when she came to a halt in front of him, but there was none of the anger Blaine had expected to see in her expression. Her gaze was serious, calculating, even, but the fury he had seen in her when he and Kathleen had been caught was there no longer.
“Me lady,” Blaine said, bowing to her as was custom. “Is there somethin’ ye require o’ me? I am leavin’, as ye can see.”
He hoped that would be enough to get him out of whatever trouble he had unwittingly found himself in, but Lady Ilyssa didn’t seem to be in any hurry herself .
“I came tae tell ye that I dinnae blame ye,” she said, and the surprise of hearing this was staggering. How could she claim she didn’t blame him? How could she not be furious with him after what he had done to her daughter? The lady, more than anyone, surely understood the importance of a good marriage, and she also understood that now all chances of that were destroyed for Kathleen.
Blaine must have looked like a fool, staring at her with his eyes comically wide and his mouth hanging open. Ilyssa chuckled, her hand reaching out to pat his shoulder reassuringly.
“Nae one can fight love,” she said. “I ken ye must think the worst o’ me.”
“I would never?—”
Ilyssa held a delicate hand up to stop him. “Perhaps or perhaps nae. Either way, what I wish tae say is that I am these things because I care about me daughter. I love her more than anythin’ in this world an’ I will never let anythin’ stand between her an’ her happiness. I simply kept her as protected as I could from everythin’. That was me own mistake.”
Blaine didn’t know what to say to that, but Ilyssa didn’t seem to expect any response. She only stared wistfully over his shoulder for a moment, as though she was looking through time itself.
“Well, that is all,” she continued. “I wish ye would have told her the truth yerself when ye started tae fall fer her. Perhaps she would have forgiven ye if ye had.”
Blaine had had the same thought several times ever since everything had fallen apart. It had been a mistake to wait. He had thought it best to finish his mission first and then reveal the truth to Kathleen, but he should have told her from the moment he realized he loved her.
It was too late now. He could not turn back time nor could he take back what he had done.
“Thank ye fer tellin’ me this,” said Blaine. He appreciated the gesture, even if it didn’t change anything. “I appreciate it. Now, if ye’ll excuse me, I think it is time fer me tae leave. I wouldnae want tae be caught outside in the dark.”
Ilyssa nodded, stepping aside for Blaine to depart. He did so without ever glancing back over his shoulder. If he did, if he happened to catch even a glimpse of Kathleen standing by her window, he didn’t think he would make it past the walls.
She’s nae standin’ there anyway, she’s nae waitin’ tae see me .
She said it herself. She wants me tae leave.
And so Blaine did, riding out of Castle Stalker and through the surrounding land in the low tide, with all hope lost, leaving everything he had ever desired behind.