29
Shin Kicking
T his Christmas Eve would be burned into Quinn’s mind forever. Sitting in Alex’s ruggedly cozy mountain cabin while snow fell outside, talking, laughing, and “making rather merry” as Dickens would say. Their rocky start felt like a distant memory. It seemed the “we will not have sex” conversation was exactly what Alex needed to let his guard down, and Quinn couldn’t feel happier about it.
Quinn wished this conversation had gone differently though. But if she was honest, she also knew deep down that he was right. The truth was, she didn’t want just a fling with him. Somewhere along the line, she’d started to develop real feelings for Alex. Things she would have never expected to feel especially for Alex. It was playing with fire to think she could do “friends with benefits” with him. It wasn’t the one little kiss that had her heart fluttering. It was that and literally everything else—their conversations, the moments of quiet companionship, the way she felt safe in his arms. The kind of safe feelings she’d never known before in her life. It was sobering to realize that if they did have sex, there was no way she’d be able to walk away unscathed.
The ease of their conversation made her wonder how she’d ever thought he was a jerk. Relaxed Alex was light-hearted and funny, and Quinn couldn’t imagine better company. Those gorgeous smiles came easily now and with a heart-thumping frequency. It was like hanging out with one of her best friends minus the fact that she had to tamp down her urge to just nestle into his arms and kiss every square inch of his handsome face.
It was well into the evening when Quinn decided to press her luck. “Okay, so what I really want to know is what brought you here—to Canada?” She knew he’d been reluctant to talk about it before, but maybe now after the evening they’d had together, he’d be willing to open up and talk to her.
“I told ye, it was an exchange.”
Quinn didn’t miss the tension that suddenly laced his voice, and she could see the tick in his chiselled jaw, but she refused to be deterred. “Mm-hmm, and…” She looked at him pointedly.
He knew what she wanted to know. Without a word, he stood up from the couch and stepped towards the ladder.
Quinn stared at his back wondering if he was honestly going to shut down and walk away over her question.
As he stepped onto the ladder to go down, he glanced back at her. “Come on, lass. ’Tis a long story. I’ll add some logs to the fire and get us some whisky.”
“Cookies, too,” she said as she got up to follow him down. “Cookies make everything better.”
A warm smile touched his lips, and her insides quivered.
Alex brought the bottle of scotch and two glasses to the little table that sat between the two chairs in front of the fireplace. Quinn set out some of her shortbread on a plate and brought it over as well.
“Ooh, you know what we need?” Her brown eyes lit with excitement, and Alex felt his heart grip in his chest. The lass was stunning.
Without saying more, she went to where her backpack sat near the end of the settee and dug around in it. A moment later, she triumphantly held up two candy canes. “Ha, ha!” she said jubilantly as she headed towards where Alex was already seated in one of the chairs by the fireplace.
Swallowing hard as he recalled the last time he’d seen her with a candy cane, he leaned towards the table in front of him, added a healthy splash of the amber scotch to each of their glasses, and downed his in one gulp.
Glancing at him wide-eyed, Quinn put one of the candy canes on the table in front of him. She sat down in the chair across from him, and unwrapped her own candy cane, and popped the end into her mouth. The way her lips tugged at it appreciatively made Alex have to adjust himself in his seat. Christ.
“I thought you said you never shoot scotch.” She looked at him with a perfectly arched brow as she tucked her legs up on the chair, getting comfortable.
“Aye, unless the occasion calls fer it,” Alex stated bluntly. He would let her assume that the occasion he referred to was their pending conversation and not the habit she seemed to have to suck on candy canes like she could make them come. Pouring himself another splash of scotch, he swirled the glass in his hand and stared into the warm glow of the crackling fire, silently begging it to distract him away from her mouth.
Alex had already downed his second glass of scotch, but instead of relaxing, he could feel tension building in him. Thankfully abandoning the candy cane, Quinn picked up her glass of whisky and sipped at it. Big innocent eyes looked at him expectantly.
Alex had kept his past to himself for so long that it was hard to know even where to start. Many were aware of his story, even though he’d never spoken of it to anyone. As much as his muscles clenched just thinking about it, there was a part of him that felt almost giddy to finally be able to speak it all out loud. He didn’t have an answer as to why he was willing—no, wanting—to tell the woman seated across from him. Perhaps it was the situation, being stuck here alone with her. Just Quinn West and himself. He eyed her over the rim of his glass. Not knowing the why of it, he took a deep breath and started to tell Quinn the thing that had changed his entire life.
“There was a lass,” he said. “Kate.” After all these years, he expected her name to be bitter on his tongue. It wasn’t though. Now it was just a name. A name of someone who was long gone.
“The one in the picture?” Quinn asked gently.
Alex looked at her big brown eyes watching him intently. “No,” he said without explanation. He wasn’t going to get into the photo now. This was about Kate and the hell she’d put him through.
“Oh,” she said, tucking her knees up a little bit snugger under her.
“I was in special ops in Scotland, and Kate Cameron was my superior.” He looked down as he rolled the scotch in his glass, the firelight catching on the etched crystal.
“It was my dream job.” He smiled faintly at the memory. “I worked my arse off back then, doing anything and everything I could to prove myself, to be better—to stand out from the rest. My hard work paid off, and I rose through the ranks quicker than most. I was one of the best on the force, if not the best for a time.” There was no arrogance or pride in his voice, only truth.
“That doesn’t surprise me.” Quinn smiled lightly.
Alex looked up at her, wondering why it felt like this lass who barely knew him seemed to see him so definitively like she understood who he was.
“Kate was the chief constable which is the highest rank you can hold in the Scottish police force. Somehow, I fell on her radar, and she took notice of me.” He paused for a moment taking a sip of his scotch. “And I took notice of her. For such a high rank, she was quite young. Back then, I was in awe of her. Everything about her made her seem unattainable like she was some kind of queen and we were just the people beneath her. She had it all, from her rank, her intelligence, and her beauty, and she was respected by everyone. The woman held all the cards, all the power.”
Listening intently, Quinn thought this Kate woman sounded like a unicorn, almost too perfect, but she could see there was anguish in Alex’s face when he talked about her. She could almost feel the heaviness. Obviously, things didn’t work out with Kate and Alex, and Quinn began to wonder if the anguish she could see was Alex wishing it had. The thought sat like a rock in Quinn’s belly. Here in this cabin, it was just her and Alex, but in the real world, it was also Kate and the woman in the picture—and kids.
Quinn knew she had no right to be bothered by any of it. She wasn’t anything to Alex, just some woman he was stuck with over Christmas, but she couldn’t deny the hollow forming in her chest. Quickly, she downed her scotch, trying to stomp out the feelings whirring in her. As Alex refilled her glass, he carried on telling her his story.
“When Kate started to single me out, I eagerly fell under her spell.” He shook his head like he still couldn’t believe it had happened. “She was several years older than me. I could claim to being naive, but I wasnae. I knew what I was getting into with her. She was my boss. I knew I was playing with fire. The truth was her attention was like a drug. The more I got, the more I wanted.”
White hot jealousy fluttered in Quinn’s chest. Despite feeling things she had no right to feel, she wanted him to tell her everything. There was no doubt in her mind that what he was telling her about Kate was something that profoundly affected his life. Quinn sensed that he needed to talk about it, and for whatever reason, she felt like she needed to hear it.
“I look back now and wonder how I could have been so caught up. She lavished praise on me, and I ate it up like a starved dog. I began to crave her praise. I wanted to do anything and everything to please her.”
Quinn understood what he was saying. It was a toxic feeling she knew all too well. “I get it,” she said. “I know exactly what you are talking about. Well, maybe not exactly, but I understand that desperate desire to please someone just to feel their love. It used to be that way with my mom. There was nothing better in the world than when my mom showered me with her love because of something I’d done for her. It was all about her. I was so desperate for her love that I would have done anything.”
“I’m sorry, lass. ’Tis not right what ye went through.”
“It’s not right what you went through either by the sound of it.”
“Aye, but I was an adult and made stupid decisions. Ye were a child just wanting yer mother’s love. ’Tis wrong, lass.”
Quinn had to hold back tears that threatened to fall at how forcefully he defended her like he truly cared. Like she mattered to him.
“Thank you,” she said tentatively. “I’m… It’s okay,” she began to explain but didn’t want to change the subject away from Alex. It wasn’t her intent to bring the focus to her own life. “I’m good now. I’ve put those demons to rest. That was a long time ago. I only brought it up because I feel like I can relate to what you were saying about wanting to please Kate.” Her voice went a little softer. “I assume you loved her.”
Alex shook his head. “It wasnae love. It was never love. Just lust and a bloody sick obsession.” He scraped a hand over his five o’clock shadow. “We had an affair for close to six months. If I’m being honest, at first, it felt fun and exciting. It's like I couldnae see past the rush of it all. I even had myself convinced that we had something real as if it wasn’t built on a stack of secrecy. It was doomed from the start though. She was my boss. She was everyone’s boss. Nothing good was ever going to come of it. But I had no idea how far off the rails things would go.”
Alex stood up and added another log to the fireplace and stood watching as flames licked at it. “After a few months, she somehow convinced me to do her dirty work.” He shook his head as if still not believing it had happened. “She wanted me to report back to her on details of the other members in my squadron. She wanted to ken about the wee’est transgressions. She wanted to ken if her name was so much as uttered behind her back. Anything and everything, I was to find out and report back to her. I didnae like it, but I felt I was beholden to her somehow. I wanted to make her happy, to bask in the praise she’d give me and in the reward of it all, the power of it, so I did her dirty bidding,” he said bitterly. “I was becoming a person I didn’t recognize. I hated it, but I felt stuck in it.”
Quinn couldn’t imagine this strong man compromising his values for anyone. From what she knew of him, Alex was a man of honour and integrity.
Running a hand through his hair, he sat back down in his chair and blew out a breath as if readying himself for his next words. “Eventually, she wanted me to make formal complaints against certain members of the team with nothing to back it.” He shook his head as if he still couldn’t handle the thought.
“That’s so not you. You wouldn’t do that,” Quinn snapped with conviction.
Alex’s stormy blue eyes landed on her as if he was looking at an angel, and she had to swallow back emotion, sure no one had ever looked at her that way before.
“Ye’re right lass. ‘Tis not me at all. I couldnae do it. I wouldnae. I didnae realize it at the time, but Kate had targeted specific members because she’d slept with them too. She was worried they would talk and her job would be in jeopardy. She wanted them gone. Off the force.”
Quinn sucked in a breath. “Holy shit.”
“Aye. I was close with these guys, and the trust we shared went beyond the job. We had each other’s backs no matter what. As much as I wanted to please her, I couldn’t turn against my team.” Alex paused. There was a crease between his brows and his look was distant. If he gripped his whisky glass any tighter, it might shatter. As if noticing tension building in him, he ran a hand through his hair and took a quick sip of his whisky.
“When I didnae do what she wanted though, he continued, things got strained between us. At first, I couldnae understand it.” He stared into his nearly empty glass reliving the memories. “Christ, I was so naive.” His voice was a bitter whisper. “I had thought we had a good thing going. I thought that things would blow over and we’d get back to normal, but Kate began lashing out at me when I saw her. I realized pretty quickly that whatever fun we’d had, it was definitively over. It became obvious that we needed to break up. I needed some space from her, but it was almost impossible as she was my boss.”
“God, that’s crazy. I can’t imagine. At least you knew you had to get out. So many people get stuck in situations like that, always hoping that things will get better.”
“There was no doubt in my mind. Things wouldnae be getting better. In fact, things got way worse.” Alex looked edgy just remembering the hell Kate Cameron had put him through.
Quinn shot back the remainder of her scotch and picked up the bottle to refill. Alex lips tugged up in the corners. She’d brought him back to the here and now. As she leaned over to top up his glass, it occurred to him just how much it meant to him to be able to tell her everything and to have her listen without judgment. It was more than he could ask for really.
“Thank ye,” he said, picking up his glass.
“So things got worse,” she said, encouraging him to continue.
“Honestly, Quinn, the woman went aff her heid, utterly mental. She ended up going to my parents.”
“She went to your parents? Why?” she asked dumbfounded.
A bitter laugh escaped him. “She told them that I had got her pregnant and had dumped her.”
“Holy shit!”
“Aye,” he said soberly detesting the memory of it.
“Was she pregnant?” Quinn asked gently.
“Naw.” He scoffed. “Thank Christ.”
“Did your parents believe her?” Quinn’s eyes were wide.
“At the time, they didnae ken if she was pregnant or no’, but they could see her desperation. And they also sensed that things werenae as they seemed. They ken something was amiss. It was awful though. I hate that they had to deal with her at all. I hate that she involved them.”
“I don’t blame you,” Quinn said, taking it all in. “Thank God you have some pretty great parents.”
“Aye.” Alex said lightly. “I am fortunate. My parents were amazing through it all. They never stopped supporting me, but it was hard on them.” There was a long pause before he added, “And then things only got worse.”
“Oh my God, how could it possibly get worse?” Quinn was astounded.
“To start, she got me sacked.”
“Nooo,” Quinn breathed.
“Aye. Her story got more elaborate, no’ only did she claim she was pregnant, but also that I had sexually assaulted her.” After all these years, the words were like battery acid in his mouth. It still singed his soul that she made up something so vile about him, and worse, at the time, people believed it.
Quinn sat staring at him, and in an instant, a flicker of fear nearly choked him, did she question whether or not it was true? But then he saw the vehemence in her big brown eyes as she bit out wildly, “I’d like to kick that bitch in the shins!”
Alex snorted a laugh. “I’d huv paid money to witness that.” Christ , it meant the world to him that this little lass sitting across from him would defend him so fiercely.