Chapter Seventeen
Troy
Skye twisted our grandmother’s wedding ring around her finger. She and Jess lived in a decent sized apartment, much better than any I’d ever stayed in. It was spotless, except for a few of Jess’s toys in her room and a pile of stuffed animals claiming the living room sofa.
I glanced at my sister as I shoved my things into the corner of her bedroom.
She didn’t look thrilled. I couldn’t blame her.
Most people didn’t want to have rusted hunks of metal, flaking from a half-dozen colors of spray paint, dragged into their house.
Seth hadn’t minded, but thinking of him now twisted my chest tight.
I couldn’t think about him. I shouldn’t think about him. It hurt, whether I wanted it to or not.
“I’ll clean up after myself,” I said. “I promise. And I won’t be here long at all. I’ll start looking for an apartment right away.”
How I’d get a down payment on an apartment was a mystery unless I managed to win that competition. Maybe I could pick up a couple of extra shifts at the shop. I’d figure it out somehow. I always did.
“I don’t see why it’s that big a deal,” Skye said, leaning her hip against the doorframe.
I sighed. I couldn't blame her for not knowing. She didn’t realize I was gay, much less that I’d really fallen head over heels with the man I’d been staying with. “He lied to me,” I said.
I’d only told her that Seth was Godofdiscord and hadn’t told me, but she didn’t feel that it was the devastating blow I did. A surge of longing rose inside me, so strange and profound that I could scarcely put words to it. Maybe I ought to just tell her.
“I guess,” Skye replied. “I mean, maybe I just don’t get it because I’ve never had online friends. They don’t seem all that important to me. It sounds like the plot of—I don’t know—some dumb Hallmark movie or something.”
There weren’t that many gay people in Hallmark movies.
I almost said it. If I’d been with Seth, I would have said it.
My chest clenched again. I’d seen my share of those ridiculous movies.
Skye’s favorite Christmas tradition had been binge-watching Hallmark movies, and I’d never gotten it.
They were all written identically, probably by the same guy who writes soap operas.
But they did always work out in the end.
I respected my sister for wanting something predictable and safe.
Unlike Seth and whatever we’d almost been.
Don’t think about him.
“It isn’t going to work out that way,” I replied. “Besides, you’d be mad, too. You hate liars.”
Skye frowned and pursed her lips together. “I guess. But he’s just an acquaintance, isn’t he, like some guy you know who comes into the shop? And you met him and bonded online over talking about cars or something?”
I turned to face her and tried to decide what to say. I’d barely told her anything about what I’d told Godofdiscord/Seth.
“What about that girl you were interested in?” she asked. “I mean, you moving in would be too fast for her?”
“If you don’t want me here—”
“I do want you here,” she said immediately.
“I’m just trying to understand. Lying is bad, and he shouldn’t have done it.
But I feel like you’re more upset about it than you should be, enough to leave without any kind of plan?
That’s not like you. Since you left home, you’ve been cautious to a fault. ”
Her eyes narrowed. I'd forgotten how well my sister knew me. Hard to believe we'd once been close, before Jackson’s death ripped the family apart.
And that was my fault.
I hadn’t wanted to admit it for years, but since I’d made that stupid choice to trust Seth, I suddenly got it. I had a history of bad relationships. The only difference between now and then was that I’d trashed a good relationship then and gotten into a bad relationship now.
“I am upset,” I said quietly, “But I can’t tell you why.”
Skye’s face softened… with worry. Strange how she had her life so much more together than mine. As she ought to, since she was the older sibling; I should be taking advice from her.
“Okay,” Skye said. “But you know you can tell me anything. Right, Troy? No matter what, I’m your sister, and I love you.”
“I know that,” I said. “Thanks.”
I could tell her. I took a deep breath to steady myself, as if by taking in more air, I could ensure I was making the right choice. She was my sister, and she loved me. And I knew that she probably wouldn’t throw me out, even if she didn’t like me being gay.
But God, that wouldn’t make anything easier, would it? Then, I’d have to spend my life knowing that my own sister couldn’t accept me.
I sank onto my bed and rubbed my forehead. The bed dipped as she took a seat beside me. “What’s wrong?” she asked. “Whatever it is—whatever you’re not telling me, I can handle it. I promise. Even if you tell me Seth was secretly in the mafia, and you’re on the run or something.”
I laughed, partly from nerves and partly because—with a painful lurch—I realized that Seth would make that kind of sorry joke.
“Seth is more than some guy I met at the auto shop,” I replied.
The room quickly seemed horribly claustrophobic. It wasn’t too late to turn back, though. Not yet.
“Okay…?” Skye asked, clearly confused. “And…?’
It wasn’t too late, but this was closer than I’d ever gotten to telling my sister I was gay. It seemed a shame to waste getting so close. It seemed cowardly.
“I liked him,” I said.
I couldn’t look at her. This would be impossible to do if I actually looked at my sister and saw the expression on her face.
“Really liked him. Maybe even loved him.”
My sister breathed in sharply and audibly. I glanced down and found her twisting our grandmother’s ring again. “In love with him?” she asked quietly.
“Yeah, I… I’ve been attracted to guys for a while.”
“Oh, God.”
I tensed and finally dared look at her. She didn’t look upset, but it was difficult to say how she did look. Maybe a little confused, startled.
“Since high school,” I said, “And I just… I didn’t tell anyone except Jackson. Remember the night he died? He was taking me to a party. It was to meet a guy I had a crush on.”
Skye let out a slow puff of air. “You’ve known you were gay for that long and didn’t tell me?” she whispered.
My sister didn’t sound accusatory, just sort of… contemplative, as if she were trying to work out how this all fitted together, like it was some great puzzle that she couldn’t quite solve.
“Yeah. I wanted to, but I was just worried. About what might happen.” I sighed. “And I felt like I—I don’t know. Like if I’d told everyone, Lance wouldn’t have been killed.”
For a long moment, Skye was silent. She even stopped twisting the ring on her finger. It was as if time had stopped, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted it to start again.
“Please, say something,” I said. The silence was unbearable. “For God’s sake, you have to understand how much this is for me to admit. You have to get how hard this is.”
But no, how could she? I knew she didn’t. I wanted her to understand, but that didn’t make it so. Skye had always been the one who was perfect, never making any unexpected turns. She’d never needed to hide what she really felt or what she was like, either.
“I get it. I’m just…surprised. But it’s fine, you know?”
“Fine.”
The word swept over me like a spring breeze. Fine. The weight of the world lifted off my shoulders, gone in an instant. Fine. I almost laughed with relief.
“So, you’re gay?” she asked. “Or bi?”
“Yeah. Pretty sure it’s gay. I’ve never been attracted to a woman.”
I waited to see if she’d argue or try to refute that.
I had dated a couple of girls in high school before I’d realized I was gay, and I’d lied to her about having found a girl.
I dug my fingers into the floral bedspread beneath me and tried to keep myself together.
Eventually, Skye nodded slowly and let out a high-pitched, little laugh.
“Well, I guess I shouldn’t have tried to match you with so many female friends over the years, huh?
You could sell tickets to a night like that. ”
“Probably not,” I replied. “You meant well.”
When I looked at my sister, her face was soft. “So that’s why it upset you so much. You were in love with him, and he lied to you. I can see why you’d leave. You were right to leave,” she replied. “I would’ve kicked him to the curb, too. Except he probably owns the curb.”
Yeah, she’d have kicked him to the curb, but I knew, too, she’d have cried afterwards.
And when she finally managed to stop her tears, she would’ve gone to the store, bought chocolates and flowers to make herself feel better, and spent the next few days barely leaving the sofa, swearing off men, and watching more Hallmark films.
There was no way I was going to do that.
But damn, did I get why she’d always respond that way?
No matter how hard I tried to hate Seth, no matter how betrayed I felt, I still wanted to be with him.
It was so frustrating and stupid and illogical, that I just wanted to scream and maybe kick something.
“Yeah, thanks.”
Skye leaned her cheek against my shoulder, her hair tickling my neck. Whatever she used in her hair smelled floral, and it reminded me of the inside of a funeral home. Embalming fluid? But the gesture was appreciated. It had been a while since we really felt like siblings.
“Hey, though,” I said, “I don’t want to tell Mom and Dad yet. I will eventually. Just not now.”
Come to think of it, not having Seth in my life meant I could hold off telling anyone for a lot longer. There was a time when I probably would’ve been happy about that, when I would’ve considered that a blessing. But now, it really just hurt.
So much more than it should. It was ridiculous that just months ago, I’d had no desire to get close to anyone, and now, I was crushed. Knowing Seth had transformed me into some sort of weepy romance heroine.
“Are you sure?” Skye asked. “I mean, they’re our parents, and—”
“And I just don’t want to tell them right now,” I said.
Because I’d seen what they were like after Lance died.
I’d seen how devastated they were. And that wasn’t even taking into account the fact that I had no idea how my parents might react to me being gay.
They’d tossed around quite a few homophobic jokes when I was a kid, and my dad was the most hyper-masculine guy ever.
But I hadn’t seen them in years. Something might’ve changed, but I couldn’t know for sure.
And Skye was… more dependable than them, more accepting and safer.
And I hadn’t been entirely sure about even telling her.
Even now, I still felt a cold, creeping sense of dread that she was really upset about this and just not showing it.
“Promise you won’t tell them,” I said. “This is something I want to tell them myself.”
Skye tilted her head away and slowly stood. “Okay,” she said. “I won’t say a word. I promise. You can stay with me as long as you want, and no one has to…has to know why exactly.”
“Thank you,” I replied.
Skye smiled. “It might not be so bad having you around. You can help me with Jess, while we’re looking around for another apartment.”
That was like her, looking on the bright side, even with things like this. “Yeah,” I replied. “It’ll be great.”
Maybe the apartment search would be good for me.
A distraction from my broken heart and the stupid, stubborn crush I still had on Seth.
This was my fault, really, as much as it was his.
Sure, Seth had lied, but I’d been the fool who fell head over heels in love with him, trusting him.
I never should’ve let my guard down like that. Then, everything would’ve been fine.
But it wasn’t fine. My chest was tight, and a darker thought crept in: maybe it would never be okay again. Right now, it sure felt that way.