Chapter Eighteen
Seth
The best thing about Brandon was that he was genuinely kind and an exceptional friend. Most people probably would’ve let me hang out to dry after what I’d done, but Brandon wasn’t one of them. I’d sent him a single text, “ I really screwed up,” and Brandon announced that he was on his way.
I threw myself over the sofa and waited.
Why did admitting I'd screwed up make it all feel worse? And sure, this wouldn’t be my first botched relationship, but usually my break-ups were amicable.
Or if not, it was usually that we just didn’t work, and as an adult, I knew that happened sometimes.
There was no denying whose fault it was this time, though.
A knock sounded on my apartment door, and wincing, I rose from the sofa and crossed the kitchen floor.
I threw open the door and Brandon greeted me.
His arms were crossed, his mouth fixed in that familiar I-told-you-so look.
I hadn’t expected Alex to be with him; he had the grace to look something akin to sympathetic. “Hey, guys,” I said.
“Hey, Seth,” Alex said, stepping into my apartment without hesitating.
Brandon gave me a nod and closed the door behind him. I felt suddenly like a misbehaving child, and in truth, I probably deserved that.
Alex settled onto the sofa, and Brandon sat. They looked for all the world like disappointed parents waiting to deliver a lecture. I sat in the chair near them and swallowed hard. “Okay, I know what you’re going to say. I caused this. I messed up. And you told me so,” I said.
“Well done,” Brandon said, pinching the bridge of his nose. “For God’s sake, Seth! I know you thrive on drama, but a secret alter ego? With Troy?”
“It wasn’t about drama,” I said. “I just didn't know when to tell him. I didn’t want to ruin things, and I told you that.”
Brandon sighed and ran his hands through his hair. “I don’t know what to tell you.”
I leaned back in the chair and nodded. “Well, I ought to make it up to him, right? Make things right, so he’ll forgive me. I can pull out all the stops. You know. Go really overboard.”
“Seth,” Alex said.
I tilted my head, meeting his gaze. Alex smiled sadly. “It doesn’t always work that way. Sometimes, you upset people, and you can’t make things right, at all. I think this is something that you’re going to have to sit back and wait for. Maybe it’ll fix itself out. Maybe it won’t.”
“But I can’t just sit here and do nothing. What will that solve?” I said. “There has to be something I can do. Maybe I can get him a new apartment or something. I can help him out with money, or something like that. I—”
“Money? You can’t buy forgiveness,” Alex said. “Didn't work with him before, did it? Trust me; I understand the power of money, but it doesn’t work miracles.”
“I agree,” Brandon said.
As if he hadn’t once been ridiculously rich and tried to fix all his problems with money.
I idly kicked at the leg of the sofa. “Deep-down, I think I know that I can’t solve this thing with money, but I don’t know what else to do.
I’ve never…I mean, I’ve had break-ups before, but I’ve never really had one that I felt so awful about. ”
“Really?” Brandon asked. “Out of all the relationships you’ve been in? You’ve never had any bad break-ups?”
“Yeah. I mean, not really.”
Or maybe I was just remembering wrong because those were so long ago, and Troy was so recent. Maybe it was because I was so good at winning people over that I’d never really had to worry about things like people not forgiving me.
“And it’s even worse,” I said. “Troy had trust issues, and I knew that. He told me personal things, things I don’t think he told anyone.
I just made everything so much worse, and I didn’t want that.
I just…I don’t know. I don’t have anything else to add, and I can’t even justify it. That’s the worst part.”
“Maybe he just needs time,” Alex said softly. “That's what I'd need. I would just want some time to myself.”
“Well, yeah,” Brandon said, “If Troy already had trust issues, you really wrecked this one.”
I winced. “No,” I replied, rubbing my foot against the leg of the sofa. “No. I really screwed up. So, so badly.”
“And saying that over and over isn’t going to help,” Alex said. “Look; you shouldn’t have done it.”
“I told you it was a bad idea,” Brandon offered.
“Someone tell me something useful!”
“But,” Alex continued, “What’s done is done. There’s no point in beating yourself up over something that’s over and done with. All you can do is move forward.”
Brandon nodded. “But still, I did tell you something like this would happen,” he pointed out.
“And that’s enough,” Alex said, nudging Brandon with his elbow. “Seth didn't ask us here to beat him up.”
Brandon grinned. “I’m just giving him a hard time for all the hard times he gave me. This is fun.”
Even after spending the day moping over the break-up—if it even counted as one—I couldn’t help but smile at how good they were together. Brandon and Alex had their relationship worked out. They were a real power couple.
I might’ve had that with Troy if I hadn’t screwed everything up.
I slumped in my seat. “I suppose I deserve that, Brandon,” I said, forcing a smile, “But I really don’t think I can feel much worse.”
Brandon’s blue eyes softened. “I don’t know what else to add, though. Look, I knew this would happen, but I’m still sorry it blew up in your face. One of those things I would be happy to be wrong about. It’s just this doesn’t seem like a problem with an easy solution.”
I nodded. Maybe none of us knew what to add, and maybe it didn’t have an easy solution. There had to be something. Problems always had solutions; they just weren't always easy.
“But if I don’t want to just sit back and wait and do nothing, there must be something I can do,” I insisted.
Brandon shrugged, and Alex smiled. It was clear that neither of them had a clue. This was something that I had to figure out myself.
“I suppose since you both came all the way over here, you want a beer or something, eh?”
Discord stayed mostly quiet. I saw Troy’s posts now and then, but he never spoke to me.
And I mostly lingered at odd hours, so I knew we wouldn’t be on at the same time.
Despite my resolve not to sit back and do nothing, I really was going out of my way to avoid all contact with him.
And I wasn’t sure if that was out of respect or cowardice.
But it was sort of funny. If I’d screwed up a relationship before this, I would’ve gone to Brandon first. My second choice probably would’ve been Alex. He seldom offered advice on things like relationships—or he hadn’t—but he would’ve been good for letting me vent, at least.
My phone buzzed, and I wanted—no, needed—it to be Troy. Even if he was just messaging me to tell me off or something.
“Are you okay?”
Alex.
I sighed and typed the answer one-handed. With my other hand, I drummed my fingers on the countertop. I ought to go to bed. It was two in the morning, but I couldn’t get Troy out of my head. I’d never been all that good at moving past screwups, even the small ones, and this one was huge.
“Yeah. You? It’s awfully late to still be awake.”
I rifled through the cabinets, torn between something salty and carb-heavy or something sweet and teeth-rotting for my morning slouch on the sofa with reruns of Gilligan’s Island.
My phone beeped. “You’re awake,” Alex replied.
I snorted. “That’s because I’m a vampire,” I replied. “I don’t sleep.”
“Yeah, vampires sleep, just not now. Bela Lugosi you ain’t.”
I wondered if Troy was asleep right now.
He probably was, considering he had to get up at eight and go to work.
Troy slept so soundly. I remembered the few times I’d stolen glances at him, while getting up for midnight snacks or trips to the bathroom.
Troy threw himself full-heartedly into sleeping, like some sort of massive, hibernating bear.
His snoring rattled the walls, so loud that that first night I genuinely had been baffled by how loud it was.
And he sprawled across that queen-sized bed in my guestroom, sheets and comforter thrown every which way.
“I always thought there was something a little odd about you,” Alex replied. “Is that how you got your fortune? Seducing people out of their wealth throughout the centuries? That’s how Brandon says you did it.”
I was tempted to send him back a string of indecipherable emojis.
Or just poop emojis. Alex had taken too well to college, and all his texts looked like he was trying to type out an English lit paper.
Which was pretty bizarre, actually. He hadn’t even majored in English, and I wasn't sure he liked the subject at all.
“Yeah. That’s how.”
I sent the reply, grateful that Alex had chosen to text rather than call. I grabbed a bag of Dorito’s and crashed on the sofa with them. If I texted, I could pretend that I was some small semblance of “okay”, even if I didn’t really have my act together.
“It’s going to be okay, though,” Alex replied.
It really wasn’t, but I appreciated his optimism.
“What are you AND Brandon doing up?” I asked, trying to distract him.
Or distract me. One of the two.
“Rewriting a script,” Alex replied. “New movie. You want in?”
I chewed a mouthful of Dorito’s, debating the suggestion. I had wanted to be in something, hadn’t I? Before I blew everything up with Troy. And now, I just…wanted him. I hadn’t even really had that much time to get used to his bright presence in my apartment before he’d left again.
I should’ve told him everything before I’d even invited him to live with me.
I should’ve been honest and upfront. And there really was no denying anything anymore.
My problem was that I thought I could wave my money around and fix everything with it, and now, Troy had told me that doesn’t work. Alex had hinted at it, too.
“But I can’t just mope around and have a pity party forever,” I muttered.
I didn’t really deserve one either.
“Yeah, I’m in,” I said.
I rolled up the bag of Dorito’s and strategically put them on the table beside my chair, pressing them against the chair arm to keep them closed.
This wasn’t like me. After break-ups, I usually went out right away.
I’d go to a bar and try to forget everything.
But I felt like I was not forgetting Troy any time soon.
“I have to fix this,” I declared to my empty apartment.
Alex was well-meaning, but he was wrong.
I wasn’t going to be able to solve this mess with Troy by keeping my distance.
But my first instinct, which was to jump right in his face and try to fix all his problems, was wrong, too.
There had to be some middle ground, something between doing nothing and doing everything.
“Great!” Alex replied.
“Sure,” I said.
What else could I say? I didn’t feel like doing anything, but at the same time, nervous energy kept rushing through me. It was like lightning in my veins.
“But really,” I said, trying to untangle my thoughts, “this isn't about what I want. It’s about what Troy wants—and he wants me to stay away.”
And that wouldn’t be too hard. Sure, it would hurt, but then, I’d hurt Troy. I ran my hands through my hair and glared at my phone, as if that piece of technology were at fault for all of my problems. What was I supposed to do with all these contradictory feelings?
I just needed to focus on what was best for Troy, and that was probably for me to stay away.
It was possible. I had a couple of parts I was waiting for at the shop, but I could find another mechanic.
Bluehaven was large enough that I could go about my days without ever crossing paths with Troy again.
I stared at the ceiling, trying to think of one thing I’d done today. Nothing came to mind. The more I thought about Troy, the more confused I became, I was further from an answer now than I had ever been. And it didn’t look like I was going to sort those feelings out anytime soon.