Chapter 30 #2
My face instantly heats with a blush. Ryder slips a hand around my front and places it over my stomach, tucking me closer against him while he keeps his head bent with his lips next to my ear.
“What are you doing here?” I whisper.
Ryder raises an eyebrow.“You thought I would let you wander off without me following? Baby ,” he coos. “You don’t know me well enough.”
I check to ensure we’re alone. For once, the small shop is empty except for the employees hanging out behind the cash register.
“Look at me.” Ryder catches my chin between two tattooed skeleton fingers. He forces me to look at him as he cocks his head.
“We can’t be caught like this,” I whisper.I suck in a breath as he smirks at me, breaking the blank expression he uses as a shield.
Irritation flashes across his features, but he reins it in, leaving his cockiness out in the open.
“We’re not doing anything.” He pauses for a moment. “ Yet .”
Oh, fuck me.
I sway in place, and Ryder steadies me with his hands on my waist, his smirk growing into a full-on fuck-boy smile that I desperately want to kiss off his stupid face. “What do you mean, yet ? We’re at the mall.”
Ryder jerks his chin toward the monster dildos. “Which one do you want?”
“You don’t mean that.”
Ryder leans against me as he reaches for the nearest box, and he tilts his head as he analyzes it for a long moment. My pulse thunders in my ears, and I try to calm down, but it’s impossible with him wrapped around me as he toys with the notion of buying the dildo in his hand.
“Ryder,” I say.
He finally turns his attention to me, his pierced lips tugging into a secretive smile. “Baby, I saw you looking at these. I know you want one, so let me buy you one.”
“You just want to use it on me, don’t you?”
Ryder swoops in. Right before his lips touch mine, he stops and grins at my startled gasp and how I leaned forward to meet him halfway. “Maybe I do, little sister.” He regards the monster dildo, then steps away from me. “I think this one is perfect.”
I chase after him as he walks away, heading straight to the cash register. “Wait!”
He ignores me and sets the box on the counter, then fishes his wallet out of his pocket. The clerk doesn’t bat an eye as she scans the barcode.
“Would you like to add lube and toy disinfectant?” she asks.
Ryder gives me a sideways glance, his expression flat. The humor shines in his eyes, though. He turns back to the clerk and nods. “Yeah, go ahead and add those, too.”
The clerk nods and adds a medium-sized bottle of lube and toy cleaner. Ryder pays, then takes the black plastic bag with all the new items.
“I can’t believe you did that,” I say.
Ryder shrugs and guides me out of the store. I watch in real time as his playful demeanor switches to a blank slate in the snap of a finger.
Guilt stabs at me.
It’s my fault he has to do that. All because I’m too embarrassed and selfish to want us to act like a couple in public.
“How do you do that?” I say without thinking it over first.
Ryder turns his head toward me. He doesn’t say anything, but I can see the question on his face.
“Turning off your emotions. How do you do that?” I stay in step by his side as we walk past shops.
Ryder turns away from me, shutting me out. He stays silent for a while as we wander aimlessly. Soon, we’ll have to join our friends at Lucky’s or Nova and Olivia will come looking for me.
“I don’t know,” he says, finally breaking the heavy silence. “It’s something I’ve done since I was a kid.”
“You’ve done it since we first met in that restaurant.” I chew on my bottom lip and peek at him. “Did something happen to you?”
Ryder’s shoulders stiffen, his spine straightening. His strides elongate, and I have to power-walk to keep up with him.
I want to hit myself for asking him that question.
Especially out of the blue and with no tact.
Ryder has shut everyone out for years, including me, and I’ve always wanted to know why.
His little comments and reactions after I thought we were about to die in a motorcycle accident have been replaying in my head.
They’re little clues to something much deeper than what’s on the surface.
“Ryder,” I say, and touch his arm.
His steps falter, and fury twists his features as he turns to face me.
I drop my hand and back away from him, only for him to follow me and pin me against the banister.
My mind sends me back to last night, when Justin held me over the edge on the patio, fury written over his face as he threatened to hurt me.
Ryder drops the Spencer’s bag and plants his hands on either side of me on the ledge. “How about this, doll? You tell me what happened when you ran from Justin, and I’ll tell you why I shut down so fast.”
My head rears back, and I stare at Ryder.
If I tell Ryder what happened, he'll lose it and go after Justin. He threatened to dismember him the other night, and I wouldn’t put it past him to keep his promise. I’m not trying to defend my fiancé, but I don’t want his blood on my hands. Or Ryder’s.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I say.
A muscle jumps in the corner of his jaw, and he glares into my eyes for what feels like forever before he drops his hands and steps away from me. His expression fades, and the blank mask is back on.
My heart cracks.
He’s closing me out again.
I grab the Spencer’ s bag and cast it a sullen look as I follow Ryder. His strides are long, but not as quick as they were before. We end up bumping into our friends just as they walk out of Lucky’s.
Olivia notices my change in mood and slinks up to my side and whispers, “You okay?”
I force a smile and nod. “Peachy.”
She turns a scowl to Ryder’s back, then looks at me again. “Was he being a jerk again?”
Not wanting to talk about it, I shrug. “It’s nothing I’m not used to already. Don’t worry about it.”
“I’ll tell Aiden to kick his ass if you want me to?” Nova says softly, so Ryder can’t hear her.
I snort out an unamused laugh and shake my head. “It’s fine. I’m fine. Where to next?”
Olivia hums as she thinks over the options, then says, “How about we visit the Halloween store?”
I nod. I wouldn’t mind walking through the store and seeing what all they have stocked for this year. There’s always something there that I can use year-round. Plus, it’ll be fun to make some spooky-sexy content with whatever I get from the store.
We make the long trek to the parking lot. Ryder and Jaxon linger behind us, talking softly. Dahlia joins us girls, already fitting in and occasionally adding comments while Olivia and Nova talk. I’m not paying close enough attention to the topic since I’m so lost in my thoughts.
“Oh my god!” a woman yells.
My head pops up, and I look around the parking lot. My gaze lands on a familiar face, and I scrunch my nose.
“Is that Kaila?” Nova whispers with a curl of her lip. It’s an honest reaction and one that I can’t judge her for.
“Crap, she’s coming toward us.” Olivia squares her shoulders and sucks in a deep breath as she mentally prepares for this unwanted run-in with the snake.
Kaila struts toward us, her red hair dancing around her shoulders in the breeze. Her clothing choices haven’t changed since I last saw her, which was graduation day. She still wears expensive name brands that are bland and not all that great looking. There’s no personality to them.
Jaxon steps forward and positions himself in front of Dahlia, his hands shoved into his pockets to make it appear that he’s relaxed. His tense shoulders and pinched lips say otherwise. Ryder surprises me as he comes to my side, leaving an inch of space between us so our arms don’t touch.
The guys know how terrible Kaila is. She was Mickey’s right hand and always partook in bullying my brother and his friends. All because she was obsessed with my ex, which meant doing anything to get his attention.
Kaila slows her steps, and she puts on a show of excitement with her huge grin and spread arms. “Hey, besties! It’s so good to see you here. God, it’s been, what, like, three years?”
“Yeah,” Olivia drawls with an eyebrow raised.
Kaila glances at her, then slips her attention to Dahlia. Her fake smile tightens, and her eyes lose the minimal warmth in them.
“You got a problem?” Jaxon’s expression doesn’t change. He may look bored, but violence rolls off of him in toxic clouds.
Kaila turns to Jaxon and broadens her smile, which is all teeth and no humor. “Not at all. Just saying hi to some old friends.”
I bite my tongue so I don’t say anything snarky to her. If there’s one thing I don’t want to be, it’s a mean girl.
Ryder glances at our friend group, then turns back to Kaila. “Old friends? I don’t see old friends anywhere. You sure you aren’t lost?”
My eyes round like saucers, and my jaw drops.
Kaila’s eyes narrow, but she forces a smile that only makes her appear like she’s lost her mind.
“You know, I was going to play nice and leave the past where it belongs—in the past—but it looks like you’re still the same loser you were years ago.
Aren’t you a little too old to be dressing like an emo?
Wear something more mature and slit your wrists in private. ”
My blood simmers into a boiling rage, sparking into a blazing fire.
Ryder doesn’t blink or look affected by Kaila’s insult. “Bold of you to act like this is your kingdom. Do you believe there won’t be consequences for throwing your weight around?”
Kaila’s face scrunches, and she tilts her head. “The hell are you saying?”
“Fuck around,” Jaxon says in a dead voice. He creeps closer to her, with his hands balling into tight fists. “And find out.”
Are they seriously threatening to beat her up?
“Where’s your crew?” Ryder smirks. “Or did they ditch you for tighter pussy?”
Kaila gives him the stink face. “You’re an asshole.” She glances at Jaxon, then at me. “Whatever. I’m out of here. I see you have clearly switched sides and become one of the losers.”
She flicks her red hair and walks away.
I roll my eyes.
“God, now I need to go to church and have a priest bless my soul after being near that evil bitch,” Nova says with a shake of her head.
We walk through the parking lot, and I linger in the back with Ryder.
He keeps his gaze forward and his emotional mask in place so I can’t read what he’s thinking.
I sink my front teeth into my bottom lip and glance around to make sure no one is watching before I inch my hand toward his.
Our fingers touch, and Ryder peeks at me, dark eyebrows bunched together.
I thread my fingers through his and slow our steps even more.
“Are you okay?” I whisper. What Kaila said was inconsiderate and mean. Mental health isn’t a joke and should never be used as an insult. You don’t know what someone is going through or if that one little jab at them will be their final straw.
Ryder cocks his head as he considers me before murmuring, “I’m fine.”
My chest tightens. Fuck, that breaks my heart. I know that answer all too well because I find myself using it often.
I step closer to him and tighten my grip on his hand. He squeezes in return and holds as still as a statue as I mold the front of my body against his. I have to lean my head back to look into his eyes.
“I’m glad you’re here,” I say.
Ryder leans down until our eyes are at the same level and his mouth is so close to mine that I can feel his breath against my parted lips. “You surprised me, little sister.”
“How so?”
“We’re out in public. Our friends could turn around any second and find us like this.
Strangers could walk by and recognize us.
” His lips twist into a toe-curling smile.
“And yet, you’ve kept your eyes on me, and your body language screams that you want me to kiss you right here for the world to see. ”
My face flushes with heat.
Ryder leans to the side until his lips are beside my ear. “If you want that kiss, you know where to find me tonight.”
Disappointment fills my chest as Ryder steps back and untangles his hand from mine. He smirks and winks at me before he turns and walks away.
As I watch him leave, I realize two things.
One: He changed the topic, which leads me to believe that my stepbrother is struggling with an invisible monster in his head. He doesn’t care if he gets in a crash and dies. He doesn’t care that he’s still here, and knowing he’s been fighting this alone hurts me so much.
Two: I’m disappointed that he didn’t kiss me right here in public. He didn’t say “ fuck the rules ” and claim me for everyone to see. I had a lot to lose if he had done that, but it doesn’t stop the hurt. I’m obsessed with Ryder, and any form of rejection from him is like a shot to the heart.
No. Make that a realization of three things, because I’m not just obsessed . . .
I love him. I’m in love with him.