Chapter 11 Greer
Chapter eleven
Greer
I didn’t think this nightmare could get worse, but here we are. It took me approximately a second to figure out where Kai had brought me and less than that to ask to leave. I know because I’ve relived this memory in my mind more than I care to admit.
I glare at Kai, the sincerity in his features telling me everything I need to know. No matter how much I beg, I’m not going to wake up.
Fuck. What if he is some kind of angelic being sent to show me the past so I can change my ways?
If I believed in God and heaven and hell, maybe this would be easier to come to terms with. But right now, I feel as if I’m stuck in some bad made-for-TV Christmas movie.
I move to smack myself again like I did earlier, just to check if I’ll wake up this time, but Kai stops me, squeezing my hand as the past version of me enters the living room with my ex-boyfriend, James.
“You can do this, Greer,” Kai insists.
While this version of me here with him in the past isn’t completely affected by the elements, every time he touches me, it’s as if my body lights up.
His warmth shoots from my hand to the rest of me, and the desire to lean into his side and find comfort in him builds in my chest. The butterflies I felt earlier when I was watching him with his lovers batter against my stomach, like they’re attempting an escape.
It’s annoying that, even in this nightmare or whatever the fuck it is, I’m attracted to him. That I’m seeking him for comfort in a way I’ve never sought comfort before—at least, not that I can remember. I’ve been alone for so long that I think I’ve forgotten what it’s like to lean on someone.
Kai squeezes my hand again and gestures with his chin for me to look at the past version of me now standing in front of Avery’s parents’ Christmas tree. The action is a reminder that even if my body feels all sorts of things around him, he’s the reason I’m here and I can’t wake up.
I pull my hand away and put a bit of distance between us, ignoring how his beautiful face falls as if he’s disappointed. I push away the tug in my stomach to grab his hand again. I shouldn’t care about his feelings. I wouldn’t in reality, and I shouldn’t here, either.
I cross my hands over my chest so I’m not tempted to reach out again.
“Those decorations are cute,” the vision of my ex-boyfriend says to Past Me.
My muscles tense as my gaze lands on my profile.
It’s weird watching these memories. The ones prior felt slightly different since I was a child and then in college.
It was easier to separate them from the present, even if it was painful to watch.
But this version of me is from only three years ago, so it’s as if I’m looking into a mirror.
Past Me steps toward the massive real pine tree that’s decorated to the nines. We’re in Avery’s family’s home for their Christmas Eve party, one of the many parties they host close to the holiday.
I know what Past Me is thinking as she stares at the tree: not only that Avery’s parents still have the best tree but that they always look straight out of a catalog, too. I was jealous of them when I was a kid, especially since the one my parents had was a fake tree and was very old.
“Which ones?” Past Me asks James about the decorations.
He lifts a round, clear plastic ornament, and Current Me’s heart rate spikes.
“This one.” He turns it so Past Me and Current Me can see that there’s a picture inside it. The image is of me and Avery after we built a snowman.
“It’s ugly,” Past Me says, though I know that’s not how I really felt.
“Oh, Greer!” I turn to see my mom approaching. She’s got on a red sweater dress, and she’s smiling wide. “It is not ugly. It’s a keepsake.” She turns to James. “Greer and Avery used to love making ornaments when they were younger.”
Anger boils inside me even now at my mom’s comment. I know what Past Me is thinking before she even voices it. It’s not like I could forget.
“So it’s a keepsake when it belongs to Avery, but when it’s mine, it’s just cheap, right?”
My mom bristles, her fair complexion turning red. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, honey.”
I balk alongside Past Me. “You know exactly what I’m talking about.”
“I don’t.”
“You don’t remember the day I brought home these exact ornaments, and your response was to go out and buy expensive glass ones instead?”
Mom glances at the tree, squinting at the ornaments to see better. “They aren’t the same.”
“They are, Mom. Like you said, I used to make ornaments when I was younger. These are those. But mine were thrown away. They must not have been good enough.”
Mom flushes red with embarrassment. She knows I’m right, but like everything in my life, Avery and her family always outshone me.
If Avery made it, it was nicer. If the Jones family hosted a party, it was more fun.
The only thing I can remember being better at than Avery was school.
I worked hard for my grades and to graduate from both high school and college with a 4.
0 grade point average, but it didn’t matter.
“Greer, I did—”
My mom’s words are cut off by Mrs. Jones walking into the room. “Are we ready to eat?”
Everyone looks at the smiling woman, dressed in a red and green Christmas sweater.
“I know I’m starved,” James says with a tug to Past Me’s bicep. “Let’s go eat.”
My mom doesn’t waste any time, turning on her heel and following Mrs. Jones into the dining area, where I know my dad is along with Mr. Jones, Avery, and Josh.
“What was that all about?” James asks quietly.
“Nothing.” She pulls her arm from James and stalks to the dining room with him on her heels.
I remember thinking I couldn’t wait until this night was over. I’d already disliked Christmas for a long time at this point, and that little conversation with my mom set my teeth on edge.
“Follow them,” Kai’s nearly too-soothing voice commands.
“Do I have to?” My plea comes out like a whine.
A small smile lifts the corners of his lips. “Yes, you do.”
“You’re insufferable.”
He places his hand on my lower back and gently pushes me. “Only when I need to be, Princess.”
I shouldn’t want to smile back, and it annoys me I have to fight the urge to do so.
I hate that his nickname is growing on me, but I’m going to blame it on the fact that this isn’t real.
Because no way would I like it in reality—especially since it’s similar to what I’m about to be called at dinner.
But Kai doesn’t say it with malice; his tone is always teasing, nearly affectionate.
I shake my head to clear my thoughts and puff out a breath. Kai guides me to the dining room.
Any brief semblance of a good feeling exits my body as the table comes into view.
I don’t know what kind of magic nightmare Angel Boy has worked, but time has jumped.
Dinner is over, and dessert has been served.
It’s a B?che de Noel with a gingerbread filling—Avery’s mom made it every year, and it was always my favorite.
Except this year, instead of enjoying a slice, Past Me is tapping something on her phone.
“Greer, it’s rude to be on the phone at the table,” my mom scolds.
James chuckles before Past Me can answer. “That angle won’t work, especially when it comes to her job.”
“It’s Christmas Eve,” my dad adds. “I’m sure it can wait.”
Past Greer’s head is down, and she’s not paying attention to their chatter.
Seeing the memory from this angle is different because I can see the looks that everyone is giving me.
Mom is annoyed, Dad is disappointed, and Avery’s parents watch the scene with curiosity while Josh is focused on Avery.
Avery, on the other hand, meets James’s gaze, holding a silent conversation no one else can hear before her brow furrows and she turns her frown toward the girl I used to be.
“As Greer says, the real estate market never sleeps,” James says.
“I think it’s more like Greer never sleeps,” Avery adds.
Past Greer looks up from her phone, and I remember being peeved that they were talking about me as if I wasn’t there.
“I’m not trying to be rude; I’m trying to earn a living,” Past Me snaps.
“That living will still be there the day after tomorrow,” Avery says. “It’s Christmas Eve. You can take a break.”
“Says the woman who doesn’t need the job.” My shoulders stiffen, and Past Me fights with herself at her careless words. I felt bad then for saying it, and in a way, I feel bad now. Avery is my friend, and I was mean to her.
But at the same time, nobody—not even her—can understand how hard I worked for the job I have and everything I gave up to have it.
“Greer!” Mom scolds. “That was rude.”
Avery grips the stem of her wine glass. “It’s okay, Mrs. Mallory.”
“No, it’s not okay. You should apologize, Greer,” my dad adds.
The entire table is silent, the cheery Christmas music playing from somewhere in the background adding to the strange absurdity of the moment.
“I didn’t mean to upset you, Avery,” Past Me says. “You know what I meant. This job may not be important to you, but it is to me. I’m trying to help with the Garland portfolio. You know how important that ski town is to Mr. Cross and the board.”
“How can you say that? My job is important to me.”
Past Me presses her lips together. “It’s not, or you would be working, too. It’s okay if you’re not as dedicated. You don’t have to be, and I get it—”
“Greer,” Mrs. Jones interrupts. “Avery may come from privilege, but she likes the work, and she works hard at it. She tells me how you keep her there after hours. How can you say she’s not dedicated?”
“Mom,” Avery says. “Please don’t.”
“No, you’ve been a better friend to her than she’s been to you.”
“With all due respect, Mrs. Jones, this isn’t about friendship, it’s work. Avery is my assistant, and if she doesn’t want to work overtime, then she can quit or find a different job.”
“Greer!” my mom nearly gasps. “Why are you being so cold?”
“I’m not being cold; I’m speaking the truth. Avery understands. Don’t you?”
Avery grips the fork in her hand until her knuckles are white.
“You don’t have to answer,” my mom interjects. “I apologize for my daughter’s behavior. I raised her better than this.”
“You raised me to be exactly this way.”
“I raised you to be kind and work hard, not to be an Ice Queen.”
“Your mother is right,” Dad echoes. “What’s gotten into you?”
The silence around the table returns. My skin prickles the way I remember it prickling back then, and my stomach flips over.
“Let’s change the subject,” Avery interjects.
Past Me ignores my friend and stares at my mom.
I remember looking back on this moment and wishing I would have let Avery change the subject because my mom and subsequently my dad had hurt my feelings.
And not just with the “Ice Queen” part but prior to this as well, when my mom and I spoke about the Christmas tree ornaments.
“That’s rich. You realize that, right?” Past Me narrows her eyes. “You didn’t just teach me to work hard. You made me into what you so nicely called an ‘Ice Queen.’”
“If you mean a driven woman, yes—but not a person who hurts people,” Mom says. “Especially their friends and someone who has been as good to you as Avery has.”
“Seriously, Mom?”
“This isn’t the time or place to discuss this. It’s Christmas Eve,” Dad says. “We can speak later.”
“No, I think now is the perfect time. We’re all together. Why don’t you tell Avery that she’s the daughter you wanted instead of me. Or that you wish you lived in this house and had the Jones’ life?”
“Greer!” Mom cries.
“That’s enough, young lady,” Dad scolds.
“Greer—” Avery tries.
I stand up, hands on my hips. “No, it’s not enough. Because I’ve never been enough for either of you. Nothing I do, say, or accomplish ever will be, will it?”
“Greer!” Mom says, eyes tearing up. “You’re overreacting.”
“No, now I know how you both truly feel about me. I’m done.”
“What do you mean?” Mom asks.
“I’m done trying to please you both. Clearly, I never will. Come on, James, we’re leaving.”
“Greer!” Avery tries to reach for Past Me’s arm, but she pulls away.
“If you still want to work with me, I’ll see you in the office the day after Christmas.” Without another word, she spins away and strides off, not waiting for James. Present Me watches as he stands from the table, cheeks flushed and an awkward look on his face.
“It was nice meeting everyone. And thanks for the food; it was great.” Nobody says anything to him as he rushes off. I think Kai is going to make me follow, but when I go to move, he keeps me in place.
“Not yet,” he says.
I grind my jaw together. I know how this looks and what he must be thinking—that I was rude and overreacted—but he doesn’t understand. Nobody understands but me.
A small cry from my mother draws my attention back to the dining table.
My dad rubs her back, and for a time, nobody says anything.
The silence builds in my gut, and I’m left simmering on feelings I’ve tried not to feel for years: self-loathing, pain, sadness, anger.
It’s a reminder of why I’ve spent years learning to control my emotions, to detach from them all.
“I’m so sorry about Greer,” Mom eventually says. “She’s changed so much.”
“I’ll talk to her,” Avery says. “I think she’s just under a lot of pressure at work.”
“You’re too sweet. You should be mad at her for how she treats you.”
“Mrs. Mallory, it’s okay. Really.”
I frown. My idea of what they spoke about after I left was not this. I imagined them laughing and calling me an Ice Queen together or maybe recounting stories of my “rudeness” over the years. I didn’t think Avery would stick up for me again like she did in the last memory I saw.
It’s not as if I asked her about what happened after the fact, either. She tried to talk about it when she returned to work, but I wouldn’t let her. Eventually, she stopped trying to get me and my parents to make up, too.
Silence takes over the table again as Dad continues to console Mom. The longer we stand here watching them, the more my stomach hurts. When I can’t take it anymore, I turn to Kai, grabbing him by the scarf he’s wearing.
“Why did you show me this, Angel Boy?”
“Because you needed to see it.”
“So you say. But why?”
“Only you can answer that now, Princess.”
Another small cry from my mom echoes in my ear, and I tug on his scarf. “You said this was the last thing I needed to see. Let me wake up; I don’t want to be here anymore.”
“Greer—”
I shake him harder. “No. I’m done, I get it. I was an Ice Queen then, and I’m an Ice Queen now. Let me wake up.”
Kai’s lips part like he’s about to argue, but instead, he gives a single nod.
He lifts his hand, eyes never leaving mine. “Alright.”
And then he snaps his fingers.