46. Wren
The week flew by in a mix of studying, practicing, and dread. Each night plagued with nightmares about what this will become and all the ways I’ll let Auntie down.
I had to go back to Dimitri’s for him to remove the last of the purple, but Julian went with me.
Whatever we had isn’t the same, and I’m not sure it ever can be again, but even if it could, it’s not something I can worry about right now.
I want to trust him, want to run right back into his arms, but I can’t, and it makes my chest feel heavy.
“It’s whatever you want to do, love. If you want to forgive him, then do that. If not, I understand that too. I’ll be here either way.” Julian’s words play over and over in my head as we lie together.
He woke me up from a nightmare two nights ago and wouldn’t take no for an answer when he offered to let me sleep in his bed.
I wish it had helped, but I’m still too confused and hurt to even begin to unpack what I want beyond surviving this showcase.
Being in his arms helps me settle, though, even if I can’t seem to find sleep.
The entire school is buzzing; everyone’s full of excitement as they finish up their tests and help prepare for the performances.
“Are you performing a cello piece or violin?” I look up into the mirror to find Titus near the door. He’s no longer hiding his stalking, and as much as I hated it before, I’d be lying if I said having him around hasn’t become a comfort.
“Neither.” I watch him long enough to see his brows pull in confusion before I turn my attention back to my hair. It needs to be perfect. With so many people here, I’m a direct reflection of my aunt and how she raised me, and if I let her down…
Well, I’m not sure what will happen, but I really would rather not find out.
Nolan is the only one who doesn’t have something today; his final swim competition is in two nights, a few cities over.
He said he’s technically in the choir but hates his voice, and, with his swimming record undefeated, his father apparently doesn’t mind overlooking it.
“Did you know you were opening?” Julian’s voice is gentle, the same tone he’s used with me since that night I had a breakdown. It’s as if he’s afraid I’ll lose it any second, and while he’s not exactly wrong, I hate it.
I hate the way he looks at me now, like I’m some sad, abandoned dog.
Maybe that’s all I’ve ever been, a charity case?
“No.” It doesn’t matter; first or last, it’s all the same.
“Wren.” I look up at the sound of my name and find Julian standing beside me, that same look of concern in his eyes that tells me he isn’t buying the mask I’ve put in place.
“I’m fine.”
I turn and make my way out of the bathroom, my arm tingling as I move past Titus and accidentally brush against him. I half expect him to recoil or say something nasty; instead, he just watches me go.
I don’t stop when I hit the living room. Gavin and Nolan are here, and suddenly the room feels too small as they both look anywhere but at me.
Gavin, I understand, kind of, but Nolan, yeah, that stings.
I knew better, though; he’d warned me he didn’t do emotions, and I went ahead and did them anyway. I just wish I could go back in time and fix it. I miss his strong, steady presence and the solace of the pool where we could hide away from the world together.
Later.
For now, I need to go; leaving Auntie waiting will only hurt in the long run.
“Wren,” Julian calls after me, but I keep going, letting the door fall closed behind me as I all but run down the hall, praying I can keep my emotions in check.
Auntie doesn’t tolerate weakness, and I’d just spent way longer than I ever wanted to attempting to do my makeup.
Not only am I no good with makeup, but I had one hell of a canvas.
Dark bags under my eyes from a serious lack of sleep aren’t easy to hide.
I reach for the only comfort I have left, gripping my necklace like my final lifeline.
“Give me strength, Jordan,” I whisper before I tuck it away.
I’m going to need it.
“Why did you keep me waiting so long?” The sound of her voice makes me stop in my tracks.
I always think I’m ready, that I can face her, but it’s always a lie.
Every time I see her, it’s like I’m that scared little girl all over again.
Our parents left us in her care, our only living relative.
She was supposed to look out for us, raise us in place of our parents, and love us.
Instead, she became our living nightmare. Scars mark my upper legs and torso, areas she deemed ‘shouldn’t be shown unless I’m a whore,’ every one of them a reminder of how bad I was growing up.
She pushed us to be what she called our best selves under the guise that we were lazy and spoiled. She often made me play my instruments until my fingers bled and once made Jordan swim so many laps he nearly drowned.
It didn’t take her long to figure out our best motivators were each other.
When I was eleven, I came in second place at a piano recital; my competition was all much older than me, but she didn’t care; all that mattered was that I lost.
She whipped Jordan so bad with a cord from the hairdryer in the room we were staying in that they called the cops after we left because of the blood in the carpet. She told them he’d gotten a bloody nose, and they believed her. He walked with a limp for weeks after that.
In the end, she got what she wanted; we were the best, though I’ll never understand how she was willing to pay such a cost.
“Are you listening? A few weeks away from home, and suddenly years of manners have gone out the window? I knew sending you here was a mistake!” She fumes, tossing her hands up in exasperation, and it takes everything in me not to flinch away.
“Stand up straight and fix your hair! We have a meeting with the dean before you perform. Go!” She shoves me, and I stumble back before quickly catching myself.
I know better than to let myself hit the ground around her, not unless I want to get the shit kicked out of me.
I pull myself up so that I’m walking tall and proud, avoiding anyone else’s gaze. I lead her down the hall, silently praying I don’t take a wrong turn. Thankfully, visiting Dimitri, I mean Mr. Adler, seems to have paid off.
We walk into the office, and his secretary nearly jumps to her feet, running around her desk.
“Ms. Inara, I wasn’t expecting you yet!” Thankfully, my back is to my aunt because I swear my eye twitches hearing her be called that. It makes it sound like she’s my mother; she loves it.
Her brother, my father, was important, and she was nothing.
“Mr. Ford will see you in just a moment. If you could have a seat—” The door behind her opens, saving us all from my aunt’s fury when the dean stands in the door, a smile on his face that gives me the creeps.
Something about him seems off, and I can’t put my finger on what exactly it is, but something about the way he is with Nolan makes me think he and my aunt will get along swimmingly.
“Florida, it’s been too long.” The dean smiles, and my aunt blushes before she all but shoves me aside to offer him her hand. He leans down, pressing a kiss to the back of her hand without looking away from her gaze, and I swear I taste my dinner from last night.
God, I’d rather gouge out my eyes than watch them flirt.
“Please come in.” He waves us in, standing aside so that my aunt can go in first before he turns his gaze to me. I bite back the urge to cower as his eyes rake over me in the most predatory way.
I should run the other way; nothing good will come from going into that room, but I don’t have another choice. Something we both seem to be all too aware of.
“A pleasure as always, Wren.” He moves into the room with me, pulling the door closed, and I feel him at my back, far too close.
Breathe; don’t let him see the effect he has on you.
I move to sit in the chair beside my aunt, quickly looking away when she gives me a nasty side-eye, as if I enjoy the creepy attention from a man old enough to be my father.
“Are you here to finally accept my marriage proposal?” I can’t stop the gasp that leaves my mouth at the words, and both sets of eyes turn toward me. Auntie’s full of disdain, and the dean with that look that I still can’t place but really don’t like.
Auntie’s lip curls, and I know she wants to snap at me, but she keeps it ?to herself. I’m sure she won’t soon forget that, though; I’ll pay for it later…
“No, I’m sure you’ve seen by now that my niece is not wife material. Not even for fish.”
It’s the dean's turn to be upset as he bares his teeth at her like a rabid animal. “Then why have you decided to pay me a visit?”
Instead of answering, she simply reaches into her bag and pulls out a… scroll. What year is it?
The dean doesn't seem surprised; instead, he looks ecstatic.
What is happening?
“Have a good day,” Auntie says before she stands and heads out without so much as glancing back or at me.
I look between them, confused by what just happened, but as Auntie walks through the main office, I quickly realize that I don’t care enough to stay alone with him to try and find out, and I don’t dare ask her.
Instead, I follow her back the way we came, silently, just like I was taught.
Without needing directions, she leads us to the recital hall, the building across from the rehearsal hall. A building I’ve never been to before, so I’m glad she knew how to get here at least.
We move down the center row toward the front, where I’m sure she will sit front and center, just like she always does when she comes.
People are filing in here and there; some take their seats, others talk to friends, and some on the stage are still setting up.
The dull hum of voices makes my head throb, and I wish I’d taken some medicine this morning before I ran out the door.
Auntie’s fingers close around mine, painfully pulling me from my thoughts and stopping me in my tracks.
“I never wanted you at this stupid school to begin with. Give me a reason to bring you back home, and I’ll make your life hell.” She releases me with a shove that makes me stumble before she takes her seat as if she didn’t just threaten me and leave me reeling.
I can’t go back; I won’t.
I swallow down the urge to scream and cry and tell the universe it’s not fair. Instead, walking around the side of the stage to go and get ready like the good little well-trained bitch I am.
It feels like it takes forever but somehow also goes by in the blink of an eye as I stand, waiting for my cue to go.
The second I move past the curtain, I feel every eye in the room, but the only ones that mean anything stand behind the curtain opposite of where I just exited.
Julian, Titus, Dimitri, and Felix stand where I can see them, but they’re hidden from the rest of the crowd. I hadn’t even realized they were there before, either too lost in thought or perhaps they just arrived.
Julian smiles and blows me a kiss, and I try not to, but I feel my cheeks heat as I fight to keep the smile off my face.
A girl at the microphone introduces this year's showcase and says a few other things I can’t process as I sit on the bench and try to keep myself under control.
I can feel the panic right below the surface, threatening to swallow me whole, but I push it away. I don’t have the time or luxury of being out of control right now.
Later.
The lights dim, and I hear her say my name and the piece I’ll be performing before the crowd goes silent. I breathe out for a count of eight before I start.
The second my fingers hit the first key, I know something is wrong, but there’s nothing to be done now.
Instead, I bite back tears as I play on, knowing that today will end badly as a low hush starts to build in the room.
Auntie will never take this as someone else's failure; I will be to blame, and in some ways, maybe I am.
I should have checked the piano, should have been practicing, should have kept my nose down and my mouth shut.
I finish the song, barely hitting the last key before I stand, nearly running from the stage opposite the way of the guys, even as I hear them call for me.
There will be hell to pay for this, for embarrassing Auntie, but I’m used to that. What I’m not used to is letting other people down, and right now I can’t stand the thought of seeing more pity in their eyes.
I wish I could just disappear.