19. JACOB
Chapter nineteen
JACOB
W alking Naomi to the door feels like closing a chapter of a book I am not going back to again. She turns to look at me, and I know that she can tell what I’m thinking.
“When we were together, it was good, right?”
“It was the best, and I’m not just saying that to make you feel better. It truly was one of the best times of my life.”
She nods, and I can see the weight of her words before she speaks. “Then why can’t we have that again? I really want to be with you, Jacob. And I know it sounds selfish, but I think we can make this work.”
It feels like I am breaking her heart all over again, but that time has passed and I can’t ever feel the same way about her again. Even if I decide to get back together with her, at best I would spend more time reminiscing about the time we had in the past than the present, all while pining for a certain green-eyed woman.
“You know that you’ll always be my first love,” I say meaningfully. “Don’t you?
It’s nothing any of us can change. I am not even the same person you were with. I have new experiences, new scars, and new responsibilities. We wouldn’t be happy because it would only be the same face, but behind it would be a stranger.”
She nods one last time before stepping forward to place a light kiss on my cheek. “I’m glad you’ve found love again.”
My eyebrow shoots towards my hairline but she just shushes me. “I know. And it’s okay. I will see you one last time before I go home, so take care of yourself, Jakey.” She teases me with the nickname she knows I hate, smiling before she steps outside, gets into her car and drives away.
I watch her until her car is out of sight, and then I turn back to head inside my home.
Where my family is waiting.
I check on Maddie first, just out of habit and instinct. She’s snoring and my heart soars.
“Al?” I call, checking the kitchen first before going to the bedroom. “Allie?”
When I find her, she looks at me for all of one second before darting into the bathroom. It’s not fast enough, though, because I can see the tears in her eyes.
“Allie?” I gasp. I rush to the door, pushing at it, but Allie’s locked the door.
“Go away,” she cries.
I feel bewildered. I press my ear to the door. “Allie, please, talk with me.”
“Not right now, Jacob.” Her voice is barely a whisper, but I hear it.
My heart hurts just thinking of her in there all alone, feeling awful. My gut sinks, and I sigh. Is she still upset that Naomi came over?
“I told her to leave, Allie,” I say softly. “I didn’t—she’s just a friend.”
“Go away, Jacob.” She sobs.
I step away from the door, even though my instincts are screaming for me to tear it down.
Then I see it—
Allison’s computer, still open on an email that in big bold font says one thing: Congratulations.
I sink into her chair, my heart following the motion.
The email is from NYU. I don’t need to read more to know what it means.
And I know that everything is about to change.
When Allison comes out of the bathroom half an hour later, I’ve already made up my mind.
Allie has put her life on hold long enough.
I don’t look up. I can’t see her face and still say what I need to say.
“I think you should take the job.”
Saying it out loud feels like firing a bullet into my own heart, but I know it is the best thing for her. She should live her life to the maximum and experience everything—not spend the best years of her life playing house.
“So you want me to leave? After everything?” She asks, nose flaring in anger.
I want to run a hand over my face in exhaustion, but I let out a heavy breath in its place. “I don’t want you to leave. Listen to me… I want you to live and experience Times Square, the farmer’s market, Broadway, hell, rude locals! Every other thing New York has to offer, Allie. Because you deserve more than giving all of that up so you can play godmother.”
Her eyes are red-rimmed, and her lips are trembling. My heart breaks to not go to her.
“But it’s my choice, isn’t it? I get to decide if what I want to do is spend the rest of my life here.”
“Yes it is all your choice, but baby, I don’t want that for you.”
Her eyes fill with tears again. She takes a small step forward. “What’s so bad about it? What’s so bad about being here with you and Maddie?”
I wish I was holding her. I wish I was kissing her. “Not a single thing.”
Her eyes search my face. For a moment, I almost give in and say, forget it—delete the email. But then her eyes flicker to the computer and what’s on her face… It’s pure longing.
She glances back at me. “Is this about Naomi?” Her voice is soft but edged with something sharp. “I heard you tell her that she’ll always be your first love.”
That’s it. That’s how I get her to leave.
I am not considering getting back together with Naomi for a single moment, but if that's what will have Allison leave to chase her dream, then I’ll sell it to her as convincingly as I can. Even if it tears me apart.
“Think about it for a second, Allison. There’s you, single, and full of so much potential that is hard to keep track of, and there is a chance for you to leave here and do something wonderful with your life. Don’t throw it away for me.”
“I’m not doing it for you. I’m doing it for me and for Maddie.”
I know my next words will twist the knife, but I still say them. “You’re just her godmother Allison. You’re not even related to her. And, let’s be honest, if you leave and another person—it could be Naomi for goodness sake—raises Maddie until she is three, do you think she’ll even remember what you look like?”
She doesn’t have a reply for me, and I see the unshed tears in her eyes.
Please don’t cry, baby! I pray.
“You know I’m telling the truth. Emily left Maddie to me. She’s my life. She doesn’t have to be yours. There is a chance now to do something truly important. Take it.”
She doesn’t spare a single glance my way as she packs a single bag worth of clothes, and when she walks through the door, I feel a big part of my heart break off and leave with her.
This is my hell, and I chose it myself.