Chapter 10
CHAPTER TEN
Pandora tossed her purse on the kitchen table and glared at Blaze. She wasn’t going to let this go. The rage she’d seen in his eyes and felt in his muscles was like nothing she’d ever experienced.
But it was the sadness that filled his soul that truly terrified her.
This wasn’t the man she once knew. She’d seen him face the loss of his brothers-in-arms before. It affected him deeply. Tore through his system like a runaway train speeding down a track on a collision course with death. But he always managed to deal with the emotions. He pushed hard to get through to the other side.
The man before her now refused to even try. He welcomed the crash. He commanded it as if it were his destiny instead of something he had to go through. Had to feel. She understood how hard that was for anyone to do and Axel’s death was still fresh. She knew there were stages of grief. Stages of healing from any trauma.
But Blaze wouldn’t even start the process.
“What happened to Axel?” She held his gaze.
“Go to bed, Pandora.” He tossed his keys on the counter and reached for the bottle of tequila.
“No.” She reached for the alcohol, snatching it from his hands. “You can’t have this both ways. You can’t expect me to work through all my shit, go out there and come face-to-face with my attacker, and be used as bait. Fuck, use yourself as bait, if you’re not willing to do the same.”
“What you’re doing and what I’m dealing with aren’t even remotely the same thing. You’re comparing apples to oranges. It’s about the worst analogy anyone could come up with.”
“Like hell they aren’t similar and don’t you dare tell me they’re not.” She slammed the bottle on the counter and closed the gap, poking him in the chest. “There was no way in hell I could continue living without coming to terms with this. Not with Sully out of prison. How on earth are you going to go through life if you don’t?—”
He grabbed her by the shoulders. “My life is not your concern.” He took the bottle and poured four fingers into a tumbler.
“So, you’re going to drink it all away.” She let out a long breath. “Once Sully is back in prison, you’re going to drive off to some town out west, hike, find thrill-seeking adventures that push your body and defy death, do anything that makes you feel anything other than what’s real, and wait for death to take you, is that right? You’re going to wallow in self-pity? Is that what Axel would have wanted? Your parents? What about Brenda? Or your nephews? How do you?—”
“Jesus. Just fucking stop. You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “What Brenda needs is her husband. Not me. What those boys need is their father. Not their uncle. And I can’t give that to them. I fucking took it from them. Don’t you get that?” He lifted the glass and downed half of it in two gulps. “Now go to bed and leave me alone.”
“I’m not going to do that.” Tentatively, she reached out and touched his biceps. “You need to talk about what happened to someone. You can’t keep stuffing down all these emotions and shutting out the world. It’s not healthy.”
He jerked away, moving into the family room. He stood with his back toward her, staring out the window, slowly sipping his drink.
“It’s not your fault that Axel is dead.”
“You’re like a damn dog with a bone.” A deep growl filled the room. He set his drink on the fireplace and made his way to the front door. He gripped the handle. “Fuck. I can’t even leave because if I do and that prick Sully shows up and something were to happen to you, I’d never forgive myself.” He turned, leaned against the door, and sank to the floor, cupping his face.
“I know it won’t be easy, but you need to talk about what happened. You can’t keep what happened wrapped in a bubble deep inside your soul. It will eat you alive and then come out in the ugliest way possible.”
“Don’t make me do this. I can’t. You don’t understand.”
“Talk to me, Blaze.” She knew enough about him to keep a little distance. When he’d come to her twenty years ago after a bad mission and good men had died, he paced in her dorm room. He’d ranted. And yelled. He even punched the wall, until he crumpled to the floor and cried like a baby.
But until he got to that point, she couldn’t touch him.
She sat on the floor a few feet away and waited.
She’d wait all night if that’s what it took.
But that man needed to purge whatever demon he was carrying, or he was going to shrivel up and die.
Or die trying to save her.
And that she couldn’t live with.
Blaze breathed in through his nose and out through his mouth. He wanted to run. He wanted to get in his truck and drive until he landed in California. He wanted out. He didn’t want to feel anything and Pandora made him feel everything.
He dropped his arms to his knees. “Give me my drink,” he said.
“So you can get sloppy drunk and avoid this? I think not.” Pandora glared.
“If you want me to get through this story, I need a little courage to do it.” He cocked a brow. He wasn’t sure if he could. But he wasn’t going anywhere. He wasn’t leaving her while Sully was still a free man and he knew she wasn’t going to let up. She hadn’t let him do it twenty years ago, so why would today be any different. He’d loved her so much back then for being so kind and patient while he’d fallen apart after losing one of his best friends to combat. Over the years, he’d lost many more. He’d never become numb to it, but he’d learned how to process it. Though, he’d never once been able to be grateful it wasn’t him who hadn’t died in battle. Not even when he’d been married and had someone to go home to. Had someone who loved him.
A part of him had always felt a tinge of responsibility to every fallen man whom he’d ever served on a mission with. It was just the way he was wired. It didn’t matter if he was team leader or not. He worked side by side with these men and women and it was up to him to have their six.
However, Axel’s death had been so different. For so many reasons. And now his heart couldn’t stand the pain a second longer. Damn Pandora for opening that box and forcing him to let it all out.
He sucked in a deep breath, letting it out slowly. He had no idea how much he’d be capable of opening up. He wanted to close himself off. To pull everything back into that small corner of his soul, hiding it from the world, and go back to being numb. But he’d give her something.
Or at least try.
“Fine.” She crawled across the floor, grabbed his drink, and made her way back. “But I’m not getting you any more.”
“This should be enough.” He took a slow sip. “I hope.” He collected his thoughts, doing his best to compartmentalize his emotions, which were all over the map. He wasn’t sure what was worse. The things that Pandora made him feel.
Or the pain of his brother’s death.
Both equally tortured his entire being.
“Axel was getting out. He was done with the Marines. Done with the Raiders. He had a wife. Two kids. He was tired of dodging bullets.” Blaze laughed at the memory of his brother telling him his plans. Axel had been so excited about every single one. “He had a job lined up with some security firm down in Jacksonville, Florida. The Aegis Network. If he wasn’t so fucking happy about the damn gig, I would have tried to talk him out of it. That mission was going to be his last. Once it was done, he had only a few weeks left. I had promised Brenda I’d bring him home in one piece, only I brought him home in a body bag.” Blaze’s stomach soured. He pushed the drink to the side.
“You were on the same mission,” Pandora said in a soft, caring voice. The tone wrapped around his body like a warm blanket and he wanted to resent the sensation, but he couldn’t.
“We’d been on the same team for about six years. It was awesome working with him. A real dream come true. The bastard saved my life more times than I can count.” He lifted his shirt. “I got shot here. And here. Axel had to carry me out. I would have died if it weren’t for him.”
“You two have always had each other’s backs.”
“That mission was doomed from the beginning. It was a lose-lose and we knew it during briefing. Every man sat in that room, looking around at each other, wondering who wasn’t going to make it out. At that point, I outranked my big brother. Once he started having kids, he started thinking about his mortality. I was team leader. Those men were my responsibility and I lost five good soldiers that day.” He blew out a puff of air. “I made the call to keep pushing. I decided not to bail on that mission, even though I could have. I didn’t know I had a mole on my team.” He swiped at his cheeks. “I should have, but I didn’t, and Axel died in my arms.” He glanced up, catching Pandora’s gaze. “Do you want to know what his last words were?”
Pandora nodded.
“He told me to tell his wife that he loved her. To tell his kids the same. To tell them we fought hard. And then that fucker told me that he loved me and stop looking at him as if it were my fault, because it wasn’t. Then the asshole took his last breath.”
Pandora inched closer, wrapping her arms around his body. She rested her head on his shoulder, like she’d done twenty years ago. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“If the tables were turned, would you want Axel to blame himself?”
Blaze let out a half laugh, half sob. “God, no. That kind of guilt is all-consuming. He would have had a wife and kids to take care of.”
“And because you don’t, you think that makes this different?”
He looped his arm around her and hugged her close. “Yes. No. I don’t know. The only thing I know is that I have a hole in my heart so big I can’t fix it. I could barely even stand to be around Brenda and the kids.”
“Do they blame you?”
“No, and they’re killing me with texts and phone messages about when I’m going to visit again.”
“Ever think you’re a lifeline to someone they loved?”
He squeezed his eyes shut and dropped his head back to the door. “I think about that every day, which makes it even harder. I’m not Axel. He was perfect. He was everything I’m not. He was always there for those who loved him. And even for those who didn’t. He was kind. Caring. He was the best.”
She palmed his cheek. “Don’t you realize you just described yourself?”
“Not even close. I failed you twenty years ago when?—”
“You didn’t fail me. I could have fought for us and I didn’t. We both made mistakes there. You and Ashley failed each other. You can’t compare those. You had an amazing career and let’s face it. No one asked you to stay here and help me. You made that decision all on your own. I’m sure if you dig deep, you’ll find a million and one other good things you’ve done with your life. And so would have Axel. What you did as a Marine was dangerous. All the scars on your body show that. You could have died a dozen times. So could have Axel. You’ve watched so many good men fall. This one hurt more because he was blood and I won’t take that away from you. But now you have two choices. You can continue down this path of self-destruction until death swallows you whole while you have no life at all. Or you can pick up the pieces and start living again. Trust me, I know it’s no cakewalk. But your nephews need their uncle.”
“It’s not that simple. It’s not like I can just flip a switch.”
“You took the first step.” Slowly, she rose. “Come on. Let’s go to bed. One day at a time, you can work through all the grief. But you have to feel it.”
“I’m not sure I want to. It’s exhausting.” He took her hand and hopped to his feet. “You’re exhausting.” He sucked in a deep breath. “Thank you.” He cupped her face and kissed her. Really kissed her. For the first time since his brother died, he felt a sense of relief. His guilt hadn’t disappeared. But it had eased some. The tightness in his chest opened and it filled with her love.
Dammit.
He wasn’t getting out of this town now.
The only problem with that was she didn’t need him once Sully was back in prison.
And she probably wouldn’t want him either.
The real question was, what did he want? He hadn’t a fucking clue.
Pandora had spent a lifetime loving one man. She’d tried like hell to forget Blaze. She’d even tried to love another man, but he hadn’t been Blaze.
She pulled back the covers, shed her clothes, and pulled a T-shirt over her head without saying a word. Climbing between the sheets, she snuggled in next to the man who would forever hold her heart.
He kissed her temple and wrapped his arms around her body. The television screen illuminated the bedroom. So many emotions. So many demons. So much pain.
All she had wanted to do was ease some of it for him, but she feared all she did was bring it all to the surface.
Tears stung her eyes.
Axel had been such a kind man and adored his little brother. When she’d first met Blaze, he and Axel were as thick as thieves. Always razzing each other and Axel had given Blaze shit for ditching him for Pandora that weekend. And again the following weekend.
But Axel had given them his blessing, telling her that she had been the best thing that had ever happened to Blaze.
And now Axel was gone and Blaze was lost.
It didn’t matter that she’d gotten him to speak his deepest fears. His most horrifying pain. Saying it, feeling it, certainly didn’t make it go away. It wasn’t going to alleviate Blaze’s guilt.
Only time, space, and Blaze’s ability to forgive himself would do that.
She wasn’t sure if Blaze had it in him.
“Hey.” He lifted her chin with his index finger. “I’m okay. I really am.”
“I never said you weren’t.”
“Those tears tell a different story.” He wiped away the few that had made their way down her cheek. “I hate that I have this tendency to make you cry.”
“It’s not you.” She forced a weak smile. “However, I can’t help but shed a few for what you lost. I’m sorry. I’m just being honest.”
“I appreciate that.”
“Part of me feels bad for pushing you and part of me wonders if I didn’t push hard enough. I worry you’re still going to walk out of this town and go someplace where no one knows you so you can hide from the pain. Or try to drink it away. Or worse. Join some mercenary group and wait for a bullet to finally take you.”
He chuckled.
“It’s not funny.”
“Actually, it kind of is, because that was exactly my plan.” He kissed her tenderly. As if he actually, truly, honestly cared about what she was thinking and feeling. “But I can’t run from this any more than you could run from Sully, because if you were going to do that, you would have packed your bags long before he got out of prison and moved somewhere without anyone knowing where you were. But you don’t run from your problems. You never have. You face them head-on. And I can’t outrun this either. I could try, but what good would that do anyone?” He arched a brow. “You’ve shown me that.”
“So, what will you do when this thing with Sully is over?”
“I really don’t know.” He sighed. “Probably start with going to visit Brenda and the boys. After that, I’ll have to figure some shit out, like finding a job. One that doesn’t include getting shot at every other day.” He lifted her hand and kissed it. “But one thing at a time.”
“Search and Rescue here in Fallport is always looking for good men with your skill set.”
“So Brock keeps telling me.” He traced his finger across her jawline, gazing into her eyes intently. “How do you feel about me hanging around this town?”
“Are you saying you’re considering it?”
“I’m asking you what you think about the idea.”
Oh God. She had no idea how to answer that. If she were truthful, she would be putting her heart on the line in ways she wasn’t sure either of them was prepared for. Not after the night they had. But if she didn’t at least express half of her feelings, she’d lose him forever.
Again.
“I could get used to that.”
“Could you, now.” Blaze tugged at her shirt, lifting it over her head. “I’ll keep that under advisement.” He sucked her nipple into his mouth.
Pandora arched, moaning, enjoying the way his teeth grazed against her sensitive skin.
He trailed his tongue from one breast to the other, leaving a trail of wet, sultry kisses. Pandora's hands found their way to his hair, entwining in the silken strands, pulling him closer.
With a low growl, he released her nipple, trailing his lips down her chest, leaving a damp trail in his wake.
She gasped for air as his fingers traced firm lines across her stomach, his touch featherlight and electric.
His mouth dipped lower, and Pandora held her breath, her heart racing as she felt his warm breath against her sensitive skin.
His tongue caressed her navel, sending fleeting shivers across her body. As he continued his descent, her breaths became shallower, her anticipation growing with each second.
His lips reached their destination and his tongue parted her folds and delved inside her, torturing her with the purest form of passion. She cried out in pleasure, her legs trembling as he explored her with slow, tender strokes.
"You're so beautiful, Pandora. So desirable, so alluring. I can't resist you." His hands cradled her hips, holding her steady as she writhed beneath him. With each swipe of his tongue, she shivered, her body responding to his touch with a fierce intensity.
He continued to explore her, his fingers gently teasing her swollen folds, while his tongue continued its relentless assault on her most sensitive spots. He was a master and for the moment, she was his slave.
His tongue glided over her clit, sending waves of rapture radiating from her core. Pandora moaned, her nails digging into his scalp, as every sensation seemed to heighten her desire.
Her hips bucked against his face, matching the rhythm of his tongue, while his fingers gently grazed her pleasure points. The sensations were overwhelming, leaving her panting and gasping for more.
As her climax drew near, he inserted a finger inside her, sending electricity coursing through her body. She moaned his name, her voice trembling with desire.
With a final flick of his tongue, he brought her to the brink, her body arching and trembling as the intense pleasure coursed through her. Pandora cried out, her orgasm washing over her in waves of blissful euphoria.
As her shaking subsided, she lay there, breathless and spent, her passion-flushed face turned toward him. He looked up at her, his eyes filled with fiery desire and a tenderness that sent shivers down her spine.
"I know you're not done yet," he whispered, his voice a low growl.
Without a word, he guided her onto her knees, positioning her hips at the edge of the bed. He entered her, slowly at first, but with a growing intensity that left her breathless and begging for more.
He thrust deep into her, his eyes locked with hers in an intense gaze that shocked her system. His expression was a mix of hunger and possession. His hands gripped her waist, controlling the pace as he moved inside her. Her skin burned like a raging fire that left her craving more.
Their bodies moved in sync, their rhythm becoming more frenzied with each passing moment. His every touch sent electricity coursing through her, leaving her trembling. She wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him closer, her body arching to meet his every thrust.
As they moved together, the room filled with the sounds of their lovemaking—the soft slap of skin against skin, the gasps and moans of pleasure, and the rhythmic pounding of his hips. The intensity was overwhelming, and yet it was precisely what Pandora desired. Craved. Needed.
It wasn't long before she could feel the familiar tension building within her, the anticipation of another climax growing stronger with each passing second. She clung to him tightly, her breaths coming in short, sharp bursts.
With a sudden surge of pleasure and awareness as her body exploded in a tidal wave of bliss, she screamed his name, her voice hoarse and ragged with passion.
He pulled her close, his body shuddering against hers as he found his own release. The room fell silent, save for the sound of their labored breaths and the thudding of their hearts. They lay there, sweaty and spent, connected by more than just the physical act.
Pandora's eyes met his, filled with a mix of love, gratitude, and awe.
He pulled her closer, wrapping the blanket over their bodies and tucking her head under his chin. "I'm glad I could give you that, Pandora."
"I'm glad too, more than you'll ever know." She sighed, relaxing in his embrace. "I don't think I've ever felt closer to someone than I do to you."
"Is that a good thing?"
She smiled. After that, there was no point in lying. "Yes, definitely a good thing. I can't imagine ever feeling this way about anyone else." Her fingers gently traced the lines on his forehead, memorizing every detail.
He squeezed her tighter. "You know, I've never felt this way about anyone else either. What does that say about us?"
“I think I’m too tired to contemplate that revelation right about now.”
“All right, but I’m not letting you off the hook that easily. We’ll resume this discussion tomorrow, right after your morning orgasm.”
“Promises, promises.” She patted his chest, snuggling in for the night. She had no idea what the future held, or even if Blaze had it in him to stay, but for now, they had each other, and that would have to be enough.