Chapter 20
CHAPTER TWENTY
~MAX~
“ I want you to be happy.”
I’m standing in a living room, watching Cary and Willa have a conversation. She’s sitting in his lap, which I don’t like at all. Cary turns and glances at me for a moment, then looks back at Willa. She asks him who’s there, but he brushes it off, and they continue their conversation.
They’re talking about me.
I try to speak, but they can’t hear me. Or Cary’s ignoring me.
Finally, Cary kisses her cheek, and she disappears into thin air. Cary stands, walking to me.
“This was our living room.”
“That’s where I recognize it from,” I say.
“I guess you heard that. It was all my fault, man. All of it. But the way it all went down, well, it’s held Willa back from being able to live guilt-free. To heal from the grief.”
“And now?”
“She’s going to be okay,” he says with a smile. “The skiing still scares her.”
“I’m not the biggest fan now either.”
He laughs but shakes his head. “You’ll get back up there. That’s how it works, remember?”
He’s echoing the words I said to Alex that day on the sledding hill.
“He loves you,” he says, his face sobering.
“I love him, too. Both of them. Cary, I asked Willa to marry me.”
His face lights up in a bright smile.
“Good for you. You got the girl, after all.”
“It was never a game for me,” I remind him.
“I know that. I guess my sense of humor isn’t as good in the afterlife. You’ve been having some monster dreams, man. You need to let go of all the guilt and anger. You didn’t kill me. You love Willa and Alex, and they love you back. Enjoy them.”
“Thank you. For your blessing. I know it means a lot to Willa, and it means the world to me.”
“I love you. All of you. Take care of them for me, yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“All I ask is that you don’t let Alex forget about me. Tell him about me. Max, you knew me better than anyone. Share that with him.”
“I promise.”
He reaches out to shake my hand, and I pull him in for a fierce hug.
“I’m going to leave you be,” he says. “No more dreams. I’ll see you later. Much later. But you might see little hints that I’m around from time to time.”
“Good. Because I’ll miss you, man.”
He nods and smiles. “Go. Willa needs you.”
My head is fucking killing me. I feel like I got hit by a freight train.
Someone’s holding my hand. I open my eyes to find Willa next to me, but she’s sitting, not lying in our bed. I’m in a hospital room.
The last thing I remember was skiing, and now…I’m here?
Shit.
Willa opens her eyes and immediately looks up at me. “You’re awake?”
“Hey.” My head is going to split open. “Whisper, okay? Head hurts.”
“I’m sorry.” Her eyes fill with tears. “Max, I dreamed about him. About Cary.”
“I did, too.”
She frowns. “Was he looking at you?”
“Yes.”
“I couldn’t see you.”
“I know. But I could see you, and I could hear you, too.”
She swallows and kisses my hand. “He said goodbye, and he asked me to be happy. To live my life, with you, and enjoy it.”
I want to hold her so fucking badly, so I find the bed control and raise my head more, then pat the bed next to me. “Come here.”
She readily complies, gingerly sitting next to me where she can still look at me.
“After you left, he said the same to me,” I say and reach up to brush a piece of hair off her cheek. “He gave us his blessing, Wills.”
“Yeah.”
“He just asked that we don’t let Alex forget him.”
“We won’t,” she promises. “I have a confession.”
“Okay.”
“I almost left. Today, after the accident. I almost ran away from you because the thought of losing you tore me up inside.”
“If you left, I’d follow you and find you.”
“Stalker.”
“No, I love you, and I know you love me, too. You don’t get to leave me, Wills.”
“Back at you. No more scaring me like this.”
“Deal.”
“Are you going to ski again?”
“Oh, yeah.” I grin at her and squeeze her hand. “And maybe, one day, I’ll get you up there, too. There’s nothing to be afraid of.”
She nods and then purses her lips as if she’s thinking about something serious.
“What’s going on in that beautiful head of yours?”
“You’re an intimidating man, Max. What can I possibly give to you that you don’t already have?”
I smile. “A daughter.”
“I can’t believe that Jenna and Christian got married on a Wednesday,” Alex says. “I mean, who does that?”
“They wanted to be unique,” Willa says.
“It’s cool that I got to stay home from school so I could go to the wedding.”
The reception is over, and everyone has left, including the crew that came in to clean up.
My sister and Christian got married today, only four days late, exactly the way Jenna wanted. At the property in the park, with a small reception after at my lake house. We’re going to stay here tonight and move back to the farmhouse permanently tomorrow.
“Bubba, we have something to talk to you about,” Willa says as she joins us in the living room, bringing us each a cup of hot cocoa. “How would you feel about Max and me getting married?”
Alex’s head whips around, and he pins me with a hopeful stare. “Did you ask her?”
“I did. I’m sorry, I should have asked you first if it was okay, but I got carried away.”
“Do we have to get rid of Rocky?”
I scowl. “Of course, not. I love Rocky.”
“Focus,” Willa says with a sigh. “We need to know how you feel about this.”
“I think it’s good,” he says, staring at his cocoa. “I have lots of questions, though.”
“Ask all of them,” I say and rub his shoulder. “We’re happy to answer them.”
“Are we gonna move in here?”
“No,” Willa says, and Alex’s face falls in disappointment. “Wait, do you want to live here?”
“There’s a whole movie theater,” he reminds her.
“We plan to build a new house,” I reply. “One that you can help design your own space in.”
“That’s cool,” he says, then gets super serious. “I want to ask Max a question, but I don’t want to make Mom sad.”
“You’re fine, Bubba. What is it?”
He looks up at me nervously. “After the wedding, can I call you Dad? Since you’ll be Mom’s husband and stuff?”
I take a deep breath, my eyes finding Willa’s. She gives me a nod, and I pull Alex into my arms, giving him a big hug.
“Is that what you want?” I ask him.
“Well, yeah. I mean, I know I have another dad, but I just think it would be cool to have you as my dad.”
He knows how to reach in and tear my heart to smithereens. I cup his face and smile at him. “Yes, you can call me Dad. Nothing could make me happier than that.”
“Cool.” He smiles at his mom, then scowls when he sees her tears. “See? I didn’t want to make you sad.”
“You didn’t.” She laughs and swipes at the wetness on her cheeks. “These are tears of happiness. I think that calling Max Dad is really great.”
“I have one more question,” Alex says.
“Okay,” Willa says.
“Can we have a baby?”
“Is our wedding going to be like Aunt Jenna and Uncle Christian’s?” Alex asks the next night as he sets the table for dinner. He’s started using aunt and uncle when referring to my siblings and their spouses now that we’re getting married. Alex might be the most excited of all of us.
“No way,” Willa says, shaking her head as she sets mashed potatoes on the table. “I do not want to get married in the snow.”
“Where would you like to get married?” I ask her, burying my nose in her neck.
“Maybe the beach?” she says. “I know a great resort in California.”
“You don’t want to get married here, with all of your friends and family?” Alex asks with a frown.
“We’ll fly them all there, if that’s what your mom wants,” I reply. “But there’s still time to talk about it.”
“In the meantime,” Willa says as we sit down, “we are doing something new tonight.”
“Pot roast is new?” Alex asks. The kid makes me smile.
“Listen to me, please,” Willa says, and Alex makes the motion of zipping his lips shut and throwing away the key. “From here on out, Thursday nights are date nights. Dad date nights.”
“Every Thursday,” I continue when Alex frowns, “we will talk about your dad, and you can ask about him, too. We’ll tell stories, look at pictures, and eat some of his favorite foods. Sometimes, we’ll have others over who knew him, and sometimes, like tonight, it’ll just be us.”
“Wow,” Alex says. “That’s kind of cool.”
“Pot roast with mashed potatoes was his favorite home-cooked meal,” Willa says as she dishes up Alex’s plate. “With extra gravy.”
“I want extra gravy,” Alex says. “What other foods did he like?”
“He loved pizza with Canadian bacon and pineapple,” I say, thinking about it.
“I don’t like that,” Alex says. “What else?”
“Remember that burger place that used to be just outside of town?” Willa asks. “He loved that place.”
“One time, when we were in high school, Cary and I went to that burger joint, and he hit on the waitress.”
“I didn’t know that,” Willa says.
“Well, she turned him down flat. But as we were leaving, she gave me her number and asked me to give it to him. She was shy.”
“Did he call her?” Alex asks with a grin.
“He did. And they went out on a date. I think it was his very first date ever, but he was so nervous, he threw up on his way there. He had to stand her up and go home to clean his car.”
“That’s horrible,” Willa says, her face horrified. “Poor Cary.”
“He ended up doing all right,” I remind her with a raised brow, and she laughs with a nod.
“That’s true.”
“What else did you used to do with my dad?” Alex asks as he shoves mashed potatoes into his mouth, then slips a piece of meat down to Rocky.
“When we were really young, like about your age, we would go camping.”
“Alone?” Alex’s eyes widen in surprise.
“Yeah, just the two of us. My dad would drive us up the road a bit from their old house where there was a campground, and we’d pitch a tent and roast hot dogs on the fire that one of the other campers would make for us.”
“Good God, don’t even think about doing that,” Willa says to Alex, rubbing her fingers over her forehead. “Maybe this was a bad idea.”
“No way, this is awesome,” Alex says with a laugh. “Can you take me camping?”
“I don’t see why not. Oh, this one time, we were down at the river fishing, and your dad caught a fish that was at least five pounds.”
“No way,” Alex says with excitement. “My dad liked to fish?”
“It was his favorite thing,” I confirm. “And he was good at it, too. I always thought it was a little boring, honestly.”
“I’d like to fish.”
“Maybe Papa will take you this summer,” Willa says. “Papa taught your dad, you know.”
“Papa’s good at lots of things,” Alex says with a nod. “He’ll totally take me. He said he’d teach me how to play baseball, too.”
“Your dad was an all-state baseball player,” Willa says. “Max and I used to go to every single one of his games to cheer him on.”
“Wow,” Alex says. “That’s really cool. Does he have trophies?”
“I’m sure he did,” I say with a frown and look over to Willa. “Do you know if Jean and Dan kept any of his things from school?”
“I think so,” she says with a thoughtful nod. “I’ll ask them, and then when they come up for the summer, maybe they’ll show them to you, Alex.”
“That would be awesome. I think Thursdays are going to be my new favorite. It’s even better than Taco Tuesday. Tell me more.”
“Well, remember when I said your dad loved to fish? This one time…”
I settle in, eating and telling stories about my best friend to my son, watching his face light up in excitement at hearing about the man who gave him life.
And when I gaze at Willa and see the love reflected back at me, I realize that the worst moment in my life gave me the best ones. That as we move on from grief and guilt, we’re blessed with the gift of joy and love.
And I don’t think I can ever thank Cary enough for that.