Chapter Fifteen – Jo
”You finished, baby?” I asked Kyra, as she hopped down from her seat at the little dining table.
”I think so,” she replied, and she frowned down at her plate and then reached for her fork to take one more bite. ”There – I am now.”
I couldn’t help but smile. She was so damn cute.
”Okay, you scrape it off in the trash and put the plate in the sink,” I told her. I had been trying to get her a little more used to doing household chores these days, even though I still felt such an urge to fuss over her and do everything for her. I knew I would need to get that out of my system eventually, and make sure she was capable of doing everything herself, but she was my daughter – it was only right that I wanted to pamper her, wasn’t it?
I got her a bath running as she cleared away her stuff and hummed to myself as the water ran. It had been a relatively peaceful day since I had gotten off work pretty early, and spending an evening with Kyra was exactly what I needed to try and clear my head after everything that had been happening with the guys recently...
Oh, try as I might to keep them out of my head, it felt as though they were there every time I did anything. After I had hooked up with Sasha the other night, my feelings had been even more of a mess than they had before. There was some part of me that wanted Sasha, some part that wanted Avda, and some part that wanted them both, at the same time, which I knew was utterly ridiculous. Sasha might have had an interest in guys, but Avda had shut down the mere thought of that the moment it had come up.
And he had been acting weird since the matter had crossed my lips, actually, now I thought about it. I couldn’t quite figure out why. Was he just old-fashioned like that, uptight in that specific way that came from a conservative upbringing? It felt like it would have been ridiculous for him to care so much about that, given everything else he did with his life, but sometimes, things didn’t have to make sense to take hold.
I bathed Kyra and put her to bed, reading her a story as I snuggled in next to her, and cuddling with her while she slept. Since I was working so many nights, it was easy for me to miss out on these amazing moments with her; the comfort of being this close to her, the feeling of my daughter in my arms. She was getting too big to share a bed with me these days, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t going to make the very most of it while I still could.
I kissed her temple and flicked on her nightlight before I left her to rest, and made my way back to the dining room, where there was still some clearing up to do; much as she tried to help, there was only so much she could manage. I had a few bills to sort out as hell, and I wanted to get as much handled as I could before I headed back to work the next day...
Or, at least, that had been my plan, until I heard a noise outside. My head jerked up, and I glanced to the door – it sounded like footsteps, heading towards the apartment. But we were both home...there was no reason someone would come down here unless they were looking for either of us, we lived at the end of a little alcove, not exactly a thoroughfare for this part of the building. Shit, maybe it was the super, come to tell me off about what I had been getting up to with Sasha the other night...
I rose to my feet and pressed my eye to the keyhole – and my jaw dropped when I saw who was on the other side. I opened it at once and planted my hands on my hips, glaring up at him.
”Avda, what are you doing here?” I demanded. He was swaying slightly on the spot, and I could see that he was drunk – drunker than I’d ever seen him, hardly able to stand upright. He leaned against the doorway.
”I need to talk to you,” he slurred at me. I shook my head.
”Kyra’s asleep,” I warned him. ”And if you make any noise, I’ll-”
”I’ll be quiet,” he promised me. ”Please, Jo. I just...I need to speak to you about this. It’s important.”
I hesitated for a moment. As though things weren’t complicated enough already...but, shit, could I really just turn my back on him like that? He looked as though he was really going through something...
”Fine, come in,” I told him. ”But stay quiet. I don’t want to have to explain to Kyra why you’re here.”
”Has she been asking about me?” he wondered aloud hopefully. I sighed but then nodded.
”Yeah, she has,” I admitted. She had asked me a few times when he was coming to visit again, and I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I had no idea if he was ever planning to. She was just an innocent little thing, and the last thing I wanted was to throw this confusing relationship into her life.
”Is that what you came here about?” I asked him, and he shook his head.
”No, I – there”s something else I needed to tell you about...” he told me, and I nodded to the couch.
”Sit down,” I ordered him. ”You need a glass of water. Several, actually. Why the hell are you this drunk?”
He didn’t reply as he slumped down into the couch, and I poured him a large glass of water and handed it to him; he chugged it down at once, and then wiped his mouth and turned to me.
”Can you sit down?” he asked me. I stood right where I was.
”Please, Jo,” he pleaded with me. ”I just...I need to know you’re not going anywhere.”
I sighed and sank down next to him.
”It’s my house,” I reminded him. ”Where the hell would I be going?”
”I don’t know,” he muttered. ”I just...”
He trailed off. I had never seen him this out of it before like he had no idea how to hold himself together. What was going on with him? It didn’t suit him, and it freaked me out, to see him this lost.
”What are you here for, Avda?” I demanded. I needed an answer. I couldn’t have him sticking around here – what if Kyra heard him and came through? I didn’t want to have to explain what he was doing here when she was around, it would have been so confusing for her...
”Sasha’s going to tell you something about me,” he confessed. I frowned.
”He is? What?”
He took a deep breath like he was preparing himself as best he could for what came next.
”He’s going to tell you...he’s going to tell you I kissed him.”
I stared at him in utter confusion.
”And why the hell would he say something like that?” I asked him. I had no idea what he was getting at here, but something was nagging at the back of my mind – like pieces were slotting into place, and I was just a few inches away from piecing them all together.
”Because...because I did.”
Those words hung in the silence between us. I couldn’t believe what I had just heard.
”You kissed him...?”
”Yeah, I kissed him, okay?” he shot back, almost angry, but I could tell it was aimed at himself, not at me.
”Why?” I asked. None of this made sense to me. He had been so defensive and disgusted when I had mentioned that Sasha was into guys too, and now, he was telling me this.
”I don’t know,” he blurted out, his voice strained. ”I...I wanted to, I guess.”
”But you told me-”
”I know what I told you,” he cut me off. ”That’s why I needed to talk to you about this. Because I wanted you to hear it from me....”
”Avda, what the hell are you trying to tell me?” I demanded. I needed him to be straight with me – I knew how hard this must have been for him, I could see it written all over his face, but neither of us was going to get anywhere if he just kept ducking and diving the question at hand.
”I...I like guys, Jo,” he admitted, finally, not even able to look me in the eye. ”I’m into guys. And I know how it sounds.”
”What do-”
”I know what you think of me,” he continued before I could say anything at all. ”I know what kind of guy you think I am. I needed you to know before...before anything else happened with Kyra. I know most women wouldn’t want someone like that around their daughter. I don’t blame you...”
I was too shocked to say anything. I wanted to assure him that I didn’t give a damn who he was into, it didn’t matter to me, but it seemed like he had already made his mind up about how I was going to receive this news – no matter what I said to him, his shame, his doubt, his anger at himself for being this way had overtaken that. He couldn’t have heard it, even if I did have the words to tell him how I really felt.
”I’ve been with a few guys before but I’ve never had anything serious, if that makes a difference,” he continued the words pouring out of him as though he couldn’t stop them. ”I tried to push it down, but...but I can’t. Fuck, I want to, Jo, but I just can’t.”
”Avda, it’s okay –” I tried, as I reached for his hand, but he snatched it away at once.
”Don’t touch me,” he snapped. His voice was pulled taut, the tension obvious in the way he spoke. Had he ever admitted this out loud to anyone before? He’d been with guys, sure, but had he ever not loathed himself for it...?
”I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come here,” he announced, springing to his feet like his ass was on fire. I got up too, tried to intercept him, but he was already heading towards the door.
”Avda, wait,” I called after him, but he had already pulled open the door and stepped outside. I caught his arm before he could vanish into the night, and he glanced around at me. His eyes were burning with shame, and I felt a twist of deep sadness knowing how hard this had been for him – that he refused to even entertain the idea that I might not hate him for this.
”I should go,” he replied, and he pulled his arm out of my grip and headed down the stairs. I thought about going after him, but I knew there was no way he would have listened to me. He had already decided how I was going to take this, and nothing I could say would change his mind.
I crossed my arms behind the small of my back and watched him go, my brain reeling from the information I had just received. So, not only was he into guys, but he was into Sasha? They had kissed? No wonder he had acted the way he did when he was confronted with the news that Sasha was bi-curious, he was probably hit with the realization that he wanted him. And he clearly despised that part of himself.
And that made me so sad, so fucking sad for him. He didn’t deserve to aim that kind of hatred at himself. I wished I could somehow convey that to him, but he had already made his mind up.
And I wasn’t sure there was anything I could do to change it. But that didn’t mean that I wasn’t going to try.