Chapter Sixteen – Avda
”Hey, Avda, can I talk to you?”
I tensed as soon as I heard her voice. I didn’t want to speak to her right now, not after what had happened the night before – it felt too damn dangerous to let my mind go there, to let myself get drawn into a conversation about the way I had spilled my guts.
I had known the moment the words had come out of my mouth that I’d made a mistake. I just couldn’t risk Sasha being the one to tell her about all of this. I hated the thought of him spilling that to her, the thought of them sharing that news together.
I wished I could take them back, but the best I could do was just get out of there – put as much space between myself and her as possible, before she had a chance to ask me any more questions about it, before she could start pressing for more details. When she did, when she wanted to know more, I knew I would have to tell her the truth, and the thought of coming clean like that, the thought of being honest when all I wanted to do was keep it under wraps, made me feel ill.
”Sure,” I replied, without turning to face her. My voice sounded robotic, as though it wasn’t actually coming from me. She reached out to put a hand on my shoulder, and I flinched, wishing I could pull away – but not wanting to break this feeling of her touch.
”Come on, let’s go to the office,” she murmured to me. My heart sank. This was it, she wanted to tell me that it was over – whatever we’d started to build between us, it was done, because she didn’t want a man like me around her daughter. And who could blame her? I would have been crazy to think that she would just accept it, knowing the kind of person I was, knowing what I had done. I couldn’t help but think back to my own parents, the way they had spoken about those men who’d had encounters with other guys – dismissive, disgusted, like they were an affront against nature. That was me now. That was how they would have seen me, if they’d known.
I followed her through to the office, staring at the back of her head, trying to work out what might have been going on in there. Just because she had been kind to Sasha didn’t mean I was going to get the same treatment. It was different with me.
It had to be.
We reached the little staff office – the same place I had kissed Sasha. I could still remember the way his mouth had felt on mine, the confusing rush of emotions that had coursed through me in that instant. Want, mixed with anger, mixed with shame, a potent mess that made everything fall away for as long as it took to come back to my senses.
She closed the door behind us and leaned up on the desk, eyeing me for a long moment, like there was so much she wanted to say to me. I crossed my arms over my chest. I wanted this over and done with.
”What is it?” I asked her, voice brittle, tense.
”I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said to me last night,” she murmured. ”And I...I think we need to talk about it.”
Here it was. I prepared myself for the inevitable – her kind way of letting me down, trying not to let this hurt too badly. But making it clear, being firm in brushing me off.
”Yeah, I figured,” I replied. I should never have said anything. If I could have gone back in time, I would have put down that booze, I would have thought better of this, I would have -
”I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t tell me sooner,” she continued.
”Why, because it would have changed things?” I demanded. She frowned.
”Changed things how?”
”I mean, you wouldn’t have wanted me around Kyra if you knew...”
She stared at me for a moment, her brow furrowed.
”Avda, what are you talking about?”
”I know how it looks,” I replied. ”You don’t have to play dumb.”
She bristled slightly.
”I’m not playing dumb,” she fired back. ”I don’t see why you think you being bisexual would have any bearing on whether or not I wanted you around my daughter.”
Those words just hung there between us for a long moment. Was it just lip service? The way she was staring back at me, the way she was looking at me and not breaking my gaze, she seemed to be trying to tell me that she was dead serious.
”Why not?” I asked.
”You really thought it would be a problem for me?” she asked, sounding genuinely surprised. ”You heard how I was with Sasha-”
”Yeah, but it’s different,” I replied. ”He’s not – I mean-”
”If you think I would let that impact who I would let around my kid, you’ve got another thing coming,” she replied, shaking her head. ”I care about you, Avda. And, yeah, I care about Sasha too. And none of that is impacted by the fact you’re into guys. Why would you think that? What have I done to give you that impression?”
I lowered my gaze down, her words stinging. Well...honestly, it hadn’t been her. Nothing she had done, nothing she had said, had told me that she would give a damn about who I was into.
”It’s not me, is it?” she asked softly, as though able to read my mind. I shook my head.
”It’s not you,” I confessed. ”My...my parents. They were always so against guys who were...guys who...”
I couldn’t even say it, not when it came to myself. I had been so tied up in this guilt, this disgust at myself for even being attracted to guys, it seemed impossible.
”Guys who are into guys?” she finished up for me gently. I nodded.
”Yeah,” I agreed. ”They never came out and told me outright, but I could tell from the way they talked about it. Like anyone who was like that couldn’t be trusted. Like they were out to harm people. Especially kids.”
”That’s fucked,” she muttered, her eyes wide as she took it in. ”You don’t believe that, do you?”
I shrugged.
”I guess so,” I replied.
”Then you’re wrong,” she told me firmly. ”You know how much Kyra adores you? She’s been asking about you all the time, ever since you quit visiting. I know she wants to see you again. And she’s not the kind of kid who just plays nice with everyone. If she says she wants to see you, then she does.”
”And what about you?” I asked her, lifting my gaze to meet hers, still doubtful. ”How do you feel about it?”
She sighed, and reached for my hand, giving it a squeeze. Her touch, even for that brief moment, was enough to console me, and convince me that everything was going to be okay.
”Avda, I don’t care who you’re attracted to,” she told me. ”All I care about is that you’re honest with me. And you don’t feel as though you have to hide anything from me. Okay? I’m the mother of your child. You don’t have to keep anything from me. I can handle it. I promise.”
I felt a heavy wave of emotion rise up inside of me as I looked down at her hand, resting against mine. This was the last thing I had expected. I had been so ready for things to fall apart the moment I told her the truth, but here she was, meeting me with such kindness, such acceptance, I could hardly wrap my head around it.
”Thank you,” I murmured to her, softly.
”It’s okay,” she replied. ”Trust me, I know how hard it is not to believe all the shit your family tells you about yourself. When I first got pregnant with Kyra, I was so convinced that nobody would ever see me as anything more than what my parents told me I was – you know, some useless whore, a single mother who couldn’t keep a man around...”
”Fuck, I wish I could kick their asses for that,” I muttered, and she laughed slightly.
”I appreciate the offer,” she replied. ”But you don’t need to. I’m long past that now. And you can be, too. You don’t have to carry all that shit with you. What they expect from you, it doesn’t matter anymore. You have to decide what you want for yourself.”
”How did you manage it?” I asked her. ”Leaving all that shit behind, I mean?”
”It helps, having a little girl,” she replied, smiling fondly as she thought of Kyra. ”You look at them, and you think – what would I put up with for them? What am I letting into my life when I allow people to speak to me like this, treat me like this? And then, it just gets easier. You see how shitty it is, because you’d never do it yourself.”
I nodded slowly, taking it in. She had a point. Even though I had only recently come into Kyra’s life, I already felt so protective of her – I knew there was no way in hell I would have allowed anyone to make her feel as though she was less-than, make her feel like she had to apologize for who she was, whatever that might have looked like.
”Thanks, Jo,” I murmured to her. It didn’t feel like enough, just saying thank you, but it was all I had right now, as I processed the enormity of this conversation.
”That’s okay,” she assured me. ”Just one more thing, alright?”
”Anything,” I promised her.
”Talk to Sasha.”
I grimaced. I knew she was probably right, and I probably needed to clear the air with him, but right now, that was the last thing I wanted.
”I know why you’re reluctant,” she told me. ”But he deserves an explanation. Just to clear the air. And, shit, you might find out you have more in common than you thought, right?”
I managed to smile as I looked back at her. Yeah, I was pretty sure we did have something in common.
How much we cared for her.