Chapter 8
Chapter Eight
Paisley
I wasn’t quite sure why I was even here. The fact I’d not only said yes, but traveled all the way into the mountains with the Cassidys didn’t make any sense.
I was just the family friend. The auntie to two beautiful girls, but no longer by familial ties. Maybe if I had stayed married to August all those years ago, I would have been able to truly understand and be connected in that way but that had never been in the cards. Especially when it hadn’t been my choice to begin with.
It was odd that I kept thinking about that, that no matter what happened in my life recently, it always came back to August.
Then again it made sense. I was hanging out with his family at a beautiful lodge and resort in the Colorado Rocky Mountains. And his family was laughing and drinking and eating and just enjoying themselves. And I was doing my best not to act as if I was afraid of what was going to happen next. After all, my life felt as if I were falling into an abyss, and nothing was making sense.
Because August was their uncle, and I was their auntie because I was best friends with their moms. Everything needed to calm down, to slow down. And yet, it was all I could do not to take two steps back and realize that maybe I shouldn’t have come.
I had to ask myself exactly why I was sitting here, why I couldn’t just pretend like I had always done before.
I sipped my champagne cocktail and watched the two little girls run across the field, with the Cassidy men following them. The guys had their arms up, pretending they were some form of Sasquatch or bear or other terrifying animal, while the little girls screamed and giggled, before they were all tackled to the floor, everybody laughing. Greer was following them, phone in hand as she recorded the moments, and I sat on the lounge deck, drinking away and pretending to relax.
I was never truly good at relaxing honestly.
“So do you want to talk about it?” Addison asked, and I frowned and looked over at my friend. Addison sat on one side of me, Devney the other. I was grateful for the two of them as they stood by me no matter what and had given me time and space after the divorce announcement, but we hadn’t talked about it in detail. The distance and lack of delving into the situation was on me, and I needed to worry about what all of this meant. I needed to come to terms with the fact I wasn’t up front with my best friends.
My best friends had been amazing, comforting, caring, and not too nosy. However, I knew my time of hiding in my feels when it came to at least Jacob were at an end. After all, there was only so much hiding I could do. It wasn’t as if anybody other than August knew why the two of us had been divorced. It had been a subject off limits to everyone, including the two of us. We had never discussed it, and our families had never truly discussed it. Maybe he had with his brothers, I didn’t know. I didn’t want to know. Perhaps that was bordering on unhealthy, but I didn’t care in that moment.
“I assume you’re talking about my divorce.”
The girls gave each other a look, and I set my drink down. “I meant with Jacob.” I pinched the bridge of my nose. “I’m not even thirty years old, and now I’ve been divorced twice. This isn’t exactly where I thought I’d be in my life. I suppose there is no going back to the decisions that I have foisted upon myself.”
“Yes. With Jacob.” I heard the emphasis on his name and chose to ignore it. “You’re away from it all now. Can we do anything for you?” Devney asked, so soft, so caring. She could also stand up for anybody in her life, and I was so grateful for her. Sometimes I felt like I took too much from my friends. I tried to give back, I tried to be a good friend, but I wasn’t sure it was enough sometimes.
The effort was on me I knew, but I was trying.
So trying.
“He cheated. He cheated on me, and I walked away. I didn’t scream or shout, I just picked up my bag and told him that my lawyer would be contacting his.” I downed the rest of my drink, then calmly poured another one since the bottle was right next to me. It was nice they made it so easy like that.
The girls gave me a worried look, and I shook my head.
“I’m not even sad about it.” I paused, trying to make sure that that was truly the case and sadly it was. “I’m not sad that I lost him. I realized that as I signed my name on all those papers dissolving our marriage, I didn’t love him. I thought I had. I thought I had feelings for him, and I was ready to look into the future and enjoy being someone’s wife, but I was wrong.” I gulped half of my wine back, then set glass down. “How crazy is that? I thought I could be married. And we all know that that’s not the case.”
“We don’t know anything of the sort. Jacob’s an asshole, and he’s lucky that he’s so far away or I would geld him.”
I looked over at Addison. “You wouldn’t geld him. He would sue. He has good lawyers. Not as talented as my lawyers, but good lawyers.”
“We could just use your good lawyers to get her out of that,” Devney said, but I heard the worry in her tone.
“We don’t need to geld him. He’s out of my life.” I winced. “Except for the fact I’m sure that his engagement to his mistress will be in the news soon, and then I’ll have to deal with that as well.”
“Oh, Paisley.”
I shook my head. “I’m fine. Really. And I know that every time I say I’m fine you imagine this black cat with wide eyes and hair all in a hundred different ways, but I swear I’m fine. I am just annoyed with myself for falling for it.”
“Well, I’m annoyed for you for not leaning on us or telling us you were getting a damn divorce,” Addison snapped.
I stiffened but knew that this was my issue. I was the one who had gotten myself into this situation and I would deal with the consequences.
“I was handling the press, paperwork, and situation.”
Devney bit her lip before she spoke. “Alone. You don’t have to be that way. We have each other. Yes, we work together, but we’re best friends. We should lean on one another in times of strife, happiness, joy, and so much more. You are there for us—no matter what else you have going on in your world. We’re here for you too, Paisley.”
“I could handle it on my own,” I lied, but I could feel the insecurity in my own voice.
“Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. I didn’t realize you were so unhappy. How selfish were we that we were in our own little lives we didn’t realize that you were unhappy.” Devney set down her drink and frowned, and I quickly stood up to go to her. When I knelt beside her, Addison came over and sat down and lounged next to Devney, but not to block me out, more so it was at the three of us. Like it should have been this whole time.
“I didn’t want to be a failure. I didn’t want to be the twice divorced woman in her late twenties, not even thirty or forty wondering why she can’t make it work. I just wanted to throw it under the rug and watch you guys thrive. There’s been so much going on in your lives and I’ve loved being a part of it. I just didn’t want you to have to deal with mine.”
“You’re allowed to be less than perfect. And if anything, it seems like he was the imperfect one,” Devney said.
“Far from perfect for either one of us.”
“We’re allowed to take the good and the bad. You’ve helped us through so much. Hell, you saved me after I thought everything was ruined with my last job.”
“Your last job didn’t appreciate you. I do.” I waved that off like it didn’t matter, but when she pinched my side, I frowned.
“Hey, what was that for?”
“Stop making your strides trivial. You saved me.”
“Me too. You helped me figure out exactly who I needed to be. And both of us can be moms and wives and women and business-oriented people. We’re able to do it all, and yet still have a vacation together because you found a way to make it happen. And I’m sorry that Jacob’s an asshole, but he was never good enough for you.”
“He wasn’t. I thought he was. I thought he was nice.”
“He was. At least he seemed it. And I’m sorry we didn’t see beneath that surface,” Addison said as she squeezed my hand.
“Well, he’s gone. And I’m going to have another drink, and I’m not even going to think about him again. Because that’s why I’m here with you. On a vacation with the family that’s not my own, I’m going to have a drink, watch you guys play with your families and thrive and be wonderful. And then I’ll deal with the press and the fallout and everything that comes from that man later.”
The girls gave me a look, and we continued to talk, and I knew that no matter what I said, I would still have to grovel a bit more.
I should have told them. I knew it. But I’d been so embarrassed.
I had wanted to make this marriage work. I couldn’t make mine with August work, but maybe I could have made one with Jacob work. On paper we fit in every way possible. And then he had left me just like August had.
And on that thought, I took another drink, once again annoyed with myself.
By the time we had dinner, I was a few drinks in, but didn’t switch to water. I wasn’t slurring or messy, but I was quiet, eating while everybody laughed and joked and talked about the next day’s activities, while I nodded along and ate my food. August kept giving me weird looks, but then again, he always did. So far, we were making the room situation work, however, this would be our first night sleeping under the same roof. Well, not the exact first night considering I’d slept in his guest room not too long ago. I would just pretend it was that. Another way of me making a fool of myself. Oh look, another drink.
When I switched to water, August looked less concerned, and I wanted to go do shots or something just to annoy him. But that was petty, and I was not petty.
I was just tired.
And alone. But I was better off alone. Getting messy with anyone else just felt like connections that didn’t make any sense.
I wasn’t going to let that be a problem.
Instead, when everyone moved off to the cabana to watch a movie, I waved them off and went to my room.
I would go take a bath, have some alone time while they had family time.
Because they had made families. And I, the person who was ahead of the game, was far behind.
Go me.
I went to my bathroom and turned on the faucet, letting the water pour and fill up the tub, while I went to pour myself a glass of wine.
“Shouldn’t you have some more water?”
I nearly dropped the glass, fumbling it in my hand, as wine sloshed over the side.
“What the hell?” I snapped, setting the bottle down. “I could have broken that.”
“You didn’t. Good reflexes for someone who’s wasted.”
“I’m not wasted. I’m buzzed. I’m happy. Let me be happy.”
He gave me a look and shook his head. I could never read that look. Maybe I used to at one point, but then again, I hadn’t been good at that before, had I?
“You were just fine at reading my looks before,” he growled.
Maybe I’d had too much to drink if I had said that out loud and I hadn’t realized.
“Why are you here? Shouldn’t you be with your family?”
“My family is hanging out with the kids and having child movie time. Greer and her husbands are off in their cabin alone and I don’t want to think about that. So I was going to sit in the living room or take a hot shower. Except you are in my bathroom.”
I pointed the wine bottle at him. “My bathroom. I’m going to take a bath, read a book, and finish this bottle of wine.”
“Great, so you’re going to be in here, taking up the time and space, while I have nowhere to go to be alone.”
“You have the entire resort. I’m sure there’s some single woman you can go slough off with and go have fun. Make a party of it. There’s a hotel bar.”
He narrowed his eyes at me. “That’s just catty. You’re not catty, Paisley.”
I sighed and drained my partially filled glass. “I’m not catty. So I’m sorry. I just wanted to relax and take a bath. Have some alone auntie time. While everyone’s off enjoying themselves.”
“Paisley,” he whispered, taking a step.
I set down the glass and scrambled back, hands in front of me.
“Don’t. Don’t pity me. I’m not pitying you for being here alone.” I cursed under my breath. “Not that I should. There’s nothing wrong with being alone. That’s what I keep telling myself. Ms. Twice-divorced.”
“Paisley,” he repeated.
“I hate when you say my name.” A falsehood.
“You didn’t always.”
I narrowed my gaze at him, wondering what the hell he was on about. Then I realized that he had been matching me drink for drink.
I pointed at him, mouth agape. “You’re drunk too.”
“That means if I’m drunk as well, that means you’re drunk. It’s science and semantics.”
“Get better at the cutting remarks. Mr. I’m Drunk But I’m Going to Yell at You for Being Drunk.”
“I’m not drunk, I’m just happy.”
“You’re not happy, August. But it’s okay, you can have some of my wine. I’ll be charitable.”
“I’ve been drinking bourbon, switching to wine sounds like a hangover. I’m not in my early twenties anymore.”
I winced at that, remembering that no, we were not in our early twenties anymore.
If anything, thirty was hitting us quickly. On our next birthdays.
I shuddered at that, and went to check the temperature of the water, adjusting the taps a bit.
“Are you cold?”
I shook my head. “No, I was just thinking about the fact I’m turning thirty soon. Which isn’t old, but it is an age that happens to be a milestone. A milestone that I’m apparently not ready for.”
He frowned at me. “What do you mean you’re not ready for?”
I pointed at him, annoyed. “I am not where I thought I would be.”
“An uber successful businesswoman who is literally on the Forbes list right now? The one who young girls actually look up to, and I have actually seen one dress up as you for Halloween one year in my high school.”
I blinked at him. “What?”
He waved it off. “No, never mind. Don’t want to inflate your ego.”
“Someone dressed up as me for Halloween?” I asked, my voice going slightly high-pitched.
“Yeah. You hit the Forbes list. One of my students wants to be a female CEO who takes over the world. You’re happening to do it before anyone else, so when everyone was allowed to dress up on Halloween, she was you. I thought it was hilarious.”
“And she didn’t realize that you knew me?” I asked, incredulously.
“Nope. Yes, PCR is the name of the company, but nobody connects the Cassidy to us.”
I cringed. “I regretted putting the C in there, not because it was you,” I said, wondering why I was apologizing to him for divorcing me. “Mostly because when Devney and then Addison got married and changed their names, people started to wonder.”
“I’d say I’m sorry about people wondering, but then again, I don’t think I have enough booze for everything that we’d need to unpack from that conversation.”
I snorted, then turned off the taps. “August. There’s not enough booze for any of this.”
“I’m glad Jacob’s not here.”
I blinked, swallowing hard. The energy in the room had shifted, and I had to wonder if I’d had too much to drink at this point. No, my reflexes were still there. But something had changed.
“Why? Dakota seemed nice.” There. That was gracious.
He shook his head. “Yeah. Too nice for me.”
“You are nice too, August. Even when you’re an asshole.”
“That doesn’t make any sense, Paisley.”
“It doesn’t have to make any sense. I just want to drink my wine in peace.”
“And take over my bathroom?” he asked, moving closer.
“Our bathroom. Mine for now.”
“So you think you can just get naked in our bathroom, sink into bubbles, and pretend I don’t fucking care?”
The glass nearly fell out of my hands, and he took it from me, setting in on the counter.
“What are you talking about, August?”
“I’m going to do something that’s going to be a really big fucking mistake.”
“August.”
Before I could say anything else, his mouth was on mine, and I was letting it happen. Without hesitation.
Somehow his hands were pulling on my robe, and I was tugging on his shirt, his taste bursting on my tongue.
It was odd to think that his taste was so familiar, and yet so different.
Because I had married this man. He had been my first, my first everything. I had let him kiss and touch every inch of my body.
But in this moment, he wasn’t that person. Nor was I the same woman as before. This was familiar and yet new. And this was such a mistake. A mistake I didn’t hate.
But I was so tired, so tired of being alone, pretending I didn’t want someone to touch me.
So I let him.
And when he ran his lips down my jaw, I arched my chin up so he could lick down my neck, sucking and tasting. When my robe fell to the floor, cool air slid over my skin, my nipples pebbling, goosebumps washing over my flesh.
“Paisley, you’re so fucking beautiful.”
“Just don’t talk,” I whispered.
He raised a brow at me.
“Really?”
“Not right now. Because then I’ll remember how wrong this is. How we shouldn’t be doing this.”
“You’re right. I won’t talk. I just need a taste.”
And then he was on his knees, and his mouth was on my pussy.
I clenched, my hands gripped the side of the sink, and my knees went weak as he licked at my pussy, spreading me.
His dark hair between my legs was the most erotic thing I had ever seen, and my knees nearly buckled completely. But he kept me steady, nibbling on my flesh, before taking one hand to spread me more, using the other hand to play along my clit.
He ate and licked like he was a man starving, and when he speared me with two fingers, curling them just in the way he remembered, I couldn’t control myself, I came, my cunt clamping down on his fingers as he continued to lave at me, licking up my juices.
His beard was rough on my skin, and I knew he would leave a mark, but I wanted his mark. I wanted a memory of this moment even though I knew I should probably forget.
The orgasm shocked through me, my toes curling, my nipples hardening to stiff points. And then he was on his feet again, crushing his mouth to mine. I could taste myself on him, tart and sweet, and I groaned, pulling at his shirt. He tossed it over his head, and then I was pulling down his gray sweatpants, grateful he hadn’t bothered to put on underwear.
I had already been able to see the tip of him poking out above the waistband, and so when I gripped the base of his shaft, he groaned, pumping into my hand.
“I need you,” he groaned.
I wanted that to mean more, and yet it couldn’t mean more. I wouldn’t let it mean more.
So I nodded and let him pull me on top of the sink. And when I spread my legs, he sank into me in one thrust. Hard and fast and unyielding.
I let out a shocked gasp at the intrusion, my pussy fluttering around his dick.
“Oh!” I whispered.
He froze, his forehead resting on my shoulder as he kept me steady.
“Too hard? Did I hurt you?”
The break in his voice at that nearly sent me into tears, but I didn’t want to think about that. I couldn’t.
“No, just a surprise. Please move.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I meant in me. Fuck me, August. Please.”
He smiled then, that sweet and annoying fucking smile of his. “Look at that, Paisley begging.”
“I already got off, August. So if you’re just going to stand there, you can, but I can get myself off again.” I winked as I said it, sliding my hand over my clit. He took my wrist and pulled my hand back, before thrusting in and out of me.
“No, your orgasm is mine.”
My eyes widened. “Excuse me.”
He kissed me hard, then leaned down and bit my nipple. The sharp sting sent waves of pleasure down to my core.
“You heard me. Your orgasm is mine. Your pussy is mine. Just for now. I’m going to fuck it all night, and you’re going to take it.”
“Well, if you insist.”
This was the August I remembered. Hard and fast with that playful little smile. And so he slid deep into me, and then he was pulling out, and my feet were on the ground, and then I was facing the mirror. I gripped the edge of the counter again, and he slammed into me from behind. I met his gaze in the mirror, my mouth parting as an orgasm washed over me, but he kept moving, hands on my hips. My hair flew around, bouncing with each thrust, and he kept moving with a bruising force that was the most pleasurable touch I’d ever had in my life.
And when he came, he held me close, hands on my breasts, body touching mine, and a single tear slid down my cheek. I wiped it away before he could see it in the reflection, and then he pulled out, and we were kissing, and then we were in the tub, water splashing over the edge as he cleaned me, and then licked me, and then came inside me again.
I let him hold me, knowing that we would have to talk about this at some point.
And somehow, I found myself in his arms in the tub, letting him hold me, neither one of us speaking.
And yet for one moment, for this exact moment in time, I could breathe again. I could feel.
And this overwhelming feeling of calm, of contentedness, worried me more than any other mistake I had made in my life.