Chapter 9
Chapter Nine
August
T his time when I went to take a shower, Paisley wasn’t there, and I was grateful for her absence. I turned on the faucet, water falling from the rain showerhead, and I stuck my hand under it, grateful it was ice-cold. When I stepped underneath the flowing water, I gritted my teeth, bearing the ice-cold temperature as I tried to clear my head.
Too much drink, too many poor decisions, and not enough brainpower had led to what had happened.
Everything had been a terrible mistake, but it wasn’t as if we could take it back. Or perhaps I could lie and pretend, but I didn’t think so. And I wasn’t sure I wanted to either.
I quickly ran a washcloth over my body, using whatever soap that happened to be in the shower. It smelled like citrus and maybe a little coconut, and figured I would smell like a tropical drink the rest of the day but I didn’t care.
Part of me wanted to wash Paisley’s scent off me, the rest wanted to keep it. But then I remembered how her hair had smelled like this earlier, because she had probably used it when she had showered before.
So now I was going to smell like her anyway, despite the fact that I was trying to scrape off any semblance of the mistakes I had made the night before.
I had been the one to pursue her. To want to kiss her, the one to fuck her on the countertop. Yes, she had leaned in, had taken, had wanted as much as I had.
But I had made the first move.
I had been the one to step across the line after so many years of not doing so. Of staying away because it would be safer if I did.
So I was to blame.
And I didn’t have a good reason for any of it, other than the fact that I wanted her.
And I had wanted her for far too long.
I finished showering and turned off the water, getting out while wrapping a towel around my waist.
When I looked up, I realized I wasn’t alone.
Paisley stood in the doorway—her hair tousled as if someone had been running their hands through it all night. Well, that someone had been me. I had been the one to take her, to want her, and to not give a flying fuck about the consequences.
What the hell had I been thinking?
She looked like a damn goddess, wrapped in that white robe that had come with the room, her lips swollen from the night before. She had such a look of innocence in her eyes, weariness. That was on me though. We had done so well about not making poor choices all these years, and then here we were, making them again.
I was a damn asshole.
I had done my best to never fall in love with Paisley over these years we’d been apart. Or at least never to admit that I had fallen in love with her. No, that wasn’t right. It was all about admitting that I still loved her. That I had walked away because of that love, however selfish that may be.
And now here she stood, in our shared bathroom, looking lost.
Perhaps just as lost as I felt.
“Do you need the shower?” I grunted, while I took a step to the side and gestured toward it. “It’s all yours. There’s plenty of hot water.”
She frowned at me then, but I didn’t rise to the bait, didn’t do anything other than stand there and watch her try to think.
My beautiful, sweet Paisley who wasn’t mine. She was eternally on her toes, thinking faster than the rest of us, and smarter than all of us combined. Then I had broken her brain.
I was a damn asshole.
“Yeah, a shower would be good.” She cleared her throat, that smokiness that had come from either disuse, or screaming my name too loudly in the night making her voice sound husky as hell.
My dick hardened at the thought, which was surprising considering how many times I had come the night before. I hadn’t thought my dick had it in him. So I turned so the rise of my towel didn’t cause any attention and walked through her bedroom to the living room. Because I had not wanted to stand there any longer, nor be forced to walk past her into her bedroom. Because we hadn’t used the two rooms. Instead we had used my bed.
I was such a damn idiot.
I walked through the shared living room, and into my bedroom once I heard the bathroom door close. The sound of water reached my ears, and I was grateful that she had turned the shower on.
I didn’t want to think about her naked in there, water sluicing down those beautiful curves of hers. But here I was, being the maker of my own mistakes.
I dropped the towel, and pulled on my clothes, figuring jeans and a Henley would have to do for the day. I could work, I could look at lesson plans, I could read a book, I could go on a fucking hike. I could do anything but stand in this room that smelled of sex and Paisley and wonder exactly what I was going to do once she got back here.
I didn’t have any other answers.
What was I supposed to be thinking in this moment other than the fact that I had just slept with my ex-wife.
Multiple times.
And part of me, most of me, wanted to do it again.
The logical part of me that knew that nothing good could come of this knew I should probably run. Head home and make up an emergency.
No good could come from sleeping with my ex-wife again.
As the water turned off, I let out a breath, knowing my time had run out. Only she didn’t open the door. Instead I heard her moving around in there, probably getting ready, probably putting on the shield that she wore so well so nobody could see beneath it.
Once I had had the pleasure of doing so. The responsibility of being that person.
Now she was hiding. Just like I was.
I moved out to the living room, and looked for my shoes, figuring I should leave before she got out here.
Then her bedroom door opened into the living room, and Paisley stood there, her hair wet but scrunched into her natural waves.
She hadn’t put on makeup but had put on linen pants and a soft peach-colored shirt along with a cardigan that covered most of her up.
She looked gorgeous, younger, and hesitant.
And I had put that look on her face.
“I am going to head down, find something to eat. Then see what the family’s up to.”
There, I sounded like a human. Like I knew what I was doing. I found my shoes and stuffed my feet in them, but Paisley didn’t move forward.
“I can go pick up something in a bit. I’ll let you leave first.”
I held back a smirk at that, because of course we couldn’t be seen together after what happened the night before. Even though everyone knew we’d shared the suite together, I was afraid they’d know exactly what we’d done once they saw us together for the first time. And while I didn’t care, or at least I told myself I didn’t care, I did.
I didn’t know why I was annoyed at the concept. It wasn’t as if I wanted anything more from her. I needed to be the one who left. And I was grateful she didn’t want to come with me. Because then we would have to talk.
And on that note. “We’re not going to talk about it.”
My back was to her, but I still heard the intake of breath, but not surprise. No, that was anger. Good. Be angry with me. Hate me.
That would make all of this so much easier.
“Never again then. Got it. We won’t talk about it.”
My shoulders tightened, and I finally turned to her, seeing a familiar anger on her face. I had done that to her before, and I seem to be good about doing it now. But this was to protect her. She was already going through enough hell, and sleeping with me, being near me, wasn’t going to help anything.
“Fine,” I bit out.
“By the way, I was on birth control. And I’m clean. I had to do multiple checks after I found out Jacob was cheating.” Her left eye twitched slightly, her jaw tightening, and I closed my eyes, pinching the bridge of my nose.
“Fuck. I didn’t even think.”
“No. You didn’t. I did, but then I realized that I was clean, and I was on birth control, and we were just going to wing it because that’s what we’re good at doing. I hope you’re clean.”
I nodded. “I am. I just had my yearly physical. And well, I always use condoms.”
Except with Paisley. But I didn’t need to say that out loud.
She gave me a tight nod. “Fine. Well, if you’re going to stand there, I’m going to be the one that leaves first. I think it’s only right.”
And with that cutting remark, she pushed past me, and closed the door quietly behind her, that little snick echoing in my ears.
Well, I guess that made sense. I had been the one to leave first last time. It was her turn now.
I rubbed my temples, telling myself that we would be able to move on, to ignore all of this and just pretend it hadn’t happened.
I could still smell her on my skin and taste her on my tongue. I knew that my bite marks were all over her body, little bruises of tenderness and heat.
I had a horrible feeling that neither one of us were going to be able to forget this.
I left the room finally, grateful that I didn’t see any of the women or kids in the central area where food was set up. In fact, I only saw my brothers there, not even Greer or her husbands were about.
“Hey,” Luca said, a brow raised.
Heath didn’t say anything. Instead he just studied my face and shook his head.
My stomach tightened, but I didn’t say anything.
“Where is everyone?” I asked, my voice sounding like I had swallowed gravel. I moved past them to the breakfast bar and began to pile on eggs and bacon. Maybe enough food and grease would help this hangover—the emotional kind—and the fact I had way too much to drink the night before. At some point I had sipped champagne out of Paisley’s belly button, and that hadn’t gone off well.
Well, we both had gotten off, but now my headache and memories weren’t going to go away anytime soon.
“Where’s everyone else?” I asked, as I took a seat next to my brothers, and began to shovel in food.
“Greer and her guys are out on a hike, while our wives, Paisley, and the kids, are down at the park. They wanted some fresh air.”
There was something in their tone that made me stiffen. “Sounds fun.” I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to say about that.
“You want to tell us what happened last night?” Heath bit out, and I slowly looked up, letting my fork rest gently on my plate.
“I don’t know, what happened last night?”
My brothers looked at each other, then at me.
“How about the fact that we stopped by your room to check on you, and clearly heard what was going on.”
I swallowed hard, suddenly not hungry anymore.
“What? What the hell were you doing outside my room?”
“We were checking on you guys because we hadn’t heard from you in a while, and when the two of us went by your room, we heard it all. Everything,” Heath snapped.
“I don’t know why you think it’s your business what the hell I do in my own room.”
“So you’re not denying you fucking slept with Paisley last night?” Luca asked incredulously.
“What I do in the privacy of my room on vacation has nothing to do with you. I don’t need to deny or confirm anything.”
“I don’t want you to get hurt.” Heath shook his head, as I blinked at him. “Yes, we love Paisley too and we don’t want her to get hurt, but you’re our brother. What the hell were you two thinking?”
“I’m still not sure why it’s your business?” I bit out.
But for some reason, the fact that my brothers were worried about me, and not just Paisley, hit me odd. I thought they would’ve been angry that I would have taken advantage of Paisley like that, but they didn’t want me to get hurt. I couldn’t get hurt. I was the one that had broken her to begin with the first time. I was the asshole here. Didn’t they see that?
No, they didn’t. Because they didn’t know what had happened all those years ago. Because I was such a selfish pig, I had hidden everything in the past and did my best to never talk about it. And they were still walking on eggshells around me.
As always.
I didn’t deserve their concern.
“It happened once, we had too much to drink, it won’t happen again. We already talked about it.” Well, saying that we weren’t going to talk about it maybe counted as talking about it, and I wasn’t going to get too into that. “In the end, it happened, it won’t happen again, and we’re going to move on. Got it? We’re moved on.”
“Really? That’s what you’re going with.” Luca shook his head. “What the hell happened, August, before and now?”
I opened my mouth to say something, then realized I didn’t have anything to say. Instead I just let out a breath. “I don’t know. Either time. But it doesn’t matter. It’s all in the past.”
“Is it?” Heath asked, but before I could say anything, the sound of the children filled the room, and then everybody was there, including Greer and her husbands. Suddenly I had one of my nieces in my lap, and she was telling me about her day as she stole a piece of bacon. I laughed, and ate around her, as everybody moved in, eating snacks and talking about the upcoming plans for the day. Paisley was on the other side of the room, her coffee in hand, as she spoke to Greer, looking as if she hadn’t a care in the world.
But I saw the rigid lines of her shoulders, as well as the slight bruise right underneath the edge of her shirt. The bruises that had come from my mouth.
I had done that to her. But we were both good at pretending that nothing had happened. It’s what we’d been doing ever since I had moved back to town. I wasn’t quite sure what else I was supposed to do about that. How we were supposed to fix it.
“Okay, so moving on again for tonight?” Devney asked as she looked at her planner. “It’s a little cloudy, so I don’t know if we can do a full star search.”
I smiled at that, as the girls leaned into me and Luca, both wanting to see the stars, but wanting to see the latest Disney Princess movie as well.
All I knew was that I would be hanging with my family, not alone, not drinking, and sure as hell without Paisley. Nothing good could come from that.
We were just getting ready to head out, as other resort guests flowed in and out of the room, when the doors opened, and a familiar voice screeched down my ears, and I had to wonder if I had truly gone to hell and hadn’t found my way back.
“Babies, Grammy is here!” my mother said as she moved forward, my father right behind her.
The girls scrambled off our laps, and ran to their grandparents, not knowing that Grammy and Grandpa had not been invited and hadn’t been told about this trip.
I looked at my brothers, as well as Greer, and realized they were just as shocked as I was.
When I met Paisley’s gaze, I saw the pity there, maybe the confusion.
As my parents couldn’t help but go into wedding details, and how they were so happy to surprise us on our family trip so the family could all be there—emphasis on family—I just knew that it would be best if I remembered this exact moment.
My parents were so manically in love in this moment, they didn’t care about anyone else except for being the center of attention. Maybe they had shifted slightly over the past couple of years with the arrival of their granddaughters, but not enough in my eyes. They continued to jerk our emotions around as they filled their own wells.
They were the shining examples of what happened when you couldn’t make up your mind and continued to fall in and out of love. Because second chances might work for some, but they didn’t work for our family. It just fucked everything up for everyone else involved.
I pulled my gaze away from Paisley and told myself that last night would never happen again. It couldn’t.
I had watched my parents become exes and then husband and wife before.
I was not going to repeat their mistakes.
So I would never fall in love with my ex-wife again. I would never be with her. And I would never toy with the lives and emotions of those that I loved.
I refused to become my parents.
Even if I hurt the woman that I craved more than anything in the process. It would be good for her in the end.
It had to be.