Chapter 14
Chapter Fourteen
Paisley
T here were only so many times I could look at myself in the mirror and call my choices a mistake before I realized I had to own up to them. Which probably wasn’t the best way to start my morning, but honestly, I wasn’t sure what else there was to do.
I’d gone and fallen back in love with my ex-husband and there was no denying what was happening. Even if this whole thing exploded and there was nothing left for us but the remains of who we’d once been, I’d still have these feelings.
And the honest part of myself that was getting harder to ignore as time moved on knew that I’d always been in love with him. Because there were reasons why I felt as if part of me broke day by day as I tried to catch up with who I had once been. I had been looking for August in all the interactions I had with others without realizing it.
I’d married the wrong man because I’d thought I’d needed that love.
And I’d married the right man at the wrong time because I’d thought that love was all I’d needed.
And as I sat here in front of the vanity mirror in the hotel suite, I couldn’t help but realize that life was imitating art, or perhaps it was history itself.
After all, I had become his parents. August was running away from that, and for good reason. But I was the example.
Divorced twice, married twice, and lost beyond all recognition.
Because he was the love of my life.
And I knew if things went the way that history tended to, I would be left in the cold after mistake after mistake. And it would be all my fault.
It would be easier if I walked away now and didn’t let myself get hurt. Only that’s not how things went.
It couldn’t be.
Not when I knew that even if we walked away now and just became friends, it was still going to hurt. Because I was beyond in love with this man. So there would be no protecting myself in the end.
There couldn’t be.
“Knock, knock.”
I looked over my shoulder and saw the man in question staring at me.
He had on gray suit pants and a white button-down. He looked gorgeous, all sleek, and strong.
I loved him. And I kept repeating that to myself because I knew if I didn’t, I would run away out of fear.
But maybe, fighting for something stronger than myself and my own fear was the important part.
After all, I still didn’t know why he had walked away in the first place. And I was so afraid to ask because if I did, maybe he would walk away again. Or maybe I would realize that it was my turn.
But I pushed those thoughts from my mind, as I needed to focus on what was in front of me.
“I thought you said you were getting ready?” I asked, in my most prim tone.
He just raised a brow, before leaning against the doorway. When he folded his hands over his chest, his forearms looking hot as hell, I nearly swallowed my tongue.
There was just something far too sexy about a man leaning in a doorway and looking far too casual.
“I just have to put on my tie and suit jacket. I’m ready to go. What about you?”
I looked down at my silk robe, and then at my hair still piled on the top of my head.
“Not even close. But I have a couple of hours before we have to be down for the wedding and cocktails. I thought you wanted to get with your brothers early though. Your parents had something in mind?”
It was odd to think that we were here for their wedding. I hadn’t been to either of their other ones, and if I remembered right, August hadn’t even been to his parents’ second wedding. He had been grounded and hadn’t wanted to go at all.
What a crock of shit. His parents had tried to break down his family.
“Well, Mom and Dad decided that they wanted to have time for just the two of them, rather than with us. So they’re doing their pre-wedding ritual, not that I ever want to know what that is.” He visibly shuddered, and I winced.
“Do you think it’s something that they’ve done before every wedding? Or maybe it’s like a lighting of a candle ceremony.”
“These are questions I don’t have answers to, nor do I want to think about ever again.”
“I’m sorry,” I said softly.
He shrugged. “There’s nothing really we can do. Other than hope for the best. We’re here because kicking the family out completely hasn’t worked in the past.”
“They seem like good grandparents though.” I stood up then, setting my makeup brush to the side. I went to him, placing my hands on his chest. When he slid one of his up to grip my wrist, keeping me there, some part of me settled. He wasn’t pushing me away.
“They’re good grandparents. Odd that it surprises me, but they really are.”
“But that doesn’t give them a right to treat you as they did in the past. And it’s a complicated situation that I know that you all are working on.”
“Exactly. And I know one day we’ll figure it out. Whether it be they’re out of our lives completely, or they become the greatest grandparents ever. However, after this? I’m done. I don’t want to have to try with them much longer. And if that makes me a bad son, then it does.”
I put my free hand up over his cheek, cupping it. “That doesn’t make you a bad son. It makes you someone who’s finally protecting himself.”
“I don’t think I did a very good job of it in the past. But I’m going to protect you, okay?”
I froze, blinking up at him.
“What do you mean?” I asked softly.
“I know my parents haven’t had much to do with us in the past.” He paused. “Whatever us is.”
That wasn’t ominous at all.
“But I haven’t done a very good job of making sure that you’re safe in whatever this freaking family may be.”
“Your parents have never bothered me.” I lifted my chin and met his gaze. “They don’t know me. And frankly they don’t know you. But they have never bothered me and I’m fine with that.”
“I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing?” He frowned. “I wasn’t really good to you before.”
My heart did that little quickstep, and I shook my head. “Let’s just focus on today, okay? And the future.”
I wasn’t sure if I wanted to investigate the past. Neither one of us were ready to go there. Especially not on a day like today when the past seemed to be wrapping its claws around our throats. It didn’t matter that it was selfish and probably weak of me, but I didn’t want that. I just wanted now.
For once, as a person who spent most of her days thinking about the future, I wasn’t going to think about it.
“You know, if you want, I can start the car, and we can make our way out. You don’t have to protect me from your parents. They don’t even know I exist.”
And oddly that didn’t give me pang of hurt. After all, if I had been in his parents’ vicinity back when we had first been married, maybe things would have been different. Most likely for the worse. Because I saw day in and day out what their inactions and reactions did to him.
You couldn’t blame your parents for everything, I knew that, but some parts you could. The way that my mother tried to control my life and push me into a box of her own making had forced me to make decisions that I might not have otherwise at the time.
Namely getting married not once, but twice. The first because my mother had said no, and she had resented me for it, the other because I had thought I’d been ready, and it had somehow made her happy. Why I had thought that would have been important at all, I didn’t know, but there was no turning back from that. Jacob was over, and my relationship with my mother needed to be over soon.
“I’m sorry for bringing you into all this. It really doesn’t make much sense, does it? The whole getting married multiple times and splitting up your kids throughout their whole life? I don’t understand them.”
I held back my frown considering his thoughts were on the same path as mine, and yet, not truly. Not when I was down another path as well. Because I wasn’t sure if August saw himself in them. When it was all I could do not to see my own life and choices there.
“Well, it seems today we’re just going to eat some cake, drink some champagne, and try to hope for the best. There’s nothing else you can really do, is there?”
He shook his head, his hands falling from mine, so they were on my hips. I sighed and leaned into him.
“Maybe we should just run away. They won’t even notice I’m gone.”
I snorted. “I’m pretty sure they’ll notice. They may be very much into each other, but they’re going to notice if their son isn’t there.”
“They’ve got two other sons, a daughter, and a couple of grandkids. Not sure they need me.”
“Well, if that’s the case, let me go put on some pants and I’ll start up the car.”
He let out a grumbling noise, his hands sliding up my bare thigh. I moaned, sliding my thighs together.
“Why the hell aren’t you wearing panties?” He groaned, his hand moving to cup my bare ass.
“I will be wearing panties when I put on my dress. But I’m just wearing my robe. And it’s the two of us. I didn’t feel like putting on clothes.”
He leaned back a little, his hands still on my ass, spreading me slightly so his finger played between my cheeks. And then his other hand moved up to tug on the top of my robe, baring one breast.
“Well, it seems that somebody wanted to be a little naughty.”
I rolled my eyes, even as my core pulsed, and my nipples pebbled. “There was nothing naughty about it. Just getting ready for the day.”
“Or maybe you’re just ready for me. You know, to keep my mind off things.” And when his fingers slid between my legs, dipping inside me, I let my head fall back, groaning.
“August, we don’t have time.”
“I can be quick. Just a quick snack. They’ll never know.”
He leaned down, sucked one nipple into his mouth.
I moaned, my hands digging into his shirt. “I’ll ruin your clothes.”
“I’ll be good. Don’t worry.”
And then he was on his knees, my robe long gone, and I was straddling his face. His tongue slid along my entrance, one lick, then another. I gripped the edge of the door, keeping myself steady as he held my thighs in his hands and began to lick at me as if he were a man starving.
“You’re so fucking sweet. Soft.”
He slid his hands along the inner creases of my thighs, his thumbs playing with my lower lips, then my clit. When his fingers pressed deep inside me and curled to find that one bundle of nerves that always made everything go white, my toes curled, and I let out a shocked breath.
“August.”
“That’s it. Say my name.”
He went back to lapping at me, using his other finger to play with my ass, sliding in and out, the sensation all too much. When I came, toes curling, he caught me as I fell. And then I was somehow on my knees, the sound of his belt undoing hitting my ears in such a way that I had to arch my back.
“There it is, you’re all ready for me. Like a good little girl.”
“Just shut up and fuck me already.”
“As my lady wishes.”
He slid into me in one thrust, his cock thick and long deep inside me, stretching me.
The feel of his pants against my bare thighs was a sensation unfamiliar, and yet so thrilling that it nearly sent me over the edge. He had my hips in his hands, holding me tightly, but not oh so gently. And when he slammed into me again and again, I met him thrust for thrust, my ass in the air as I continued to want more.
When I was nearly there, needing to come again, he pulled out of me, and then went back to kneeling behind me.
“What are you…” I couldn’t finish the sentence, because then his mouth was on me, and he was licking me up, one lick, then a second. He ate me from behind, devouring me, and I just pushed my ass back to his face, needing him.
I didn’t want to think about words and forevers and where we were going after this. I just wanted this moment.
We didn’t have to have feelings or thoughts or any future promises. We just needed this moment.
Because if there was anything we were ever good at, it was this.
Fucking and pretending.
He stood up, his pants below his ass, he pulled me with him, and then pressed my back against the wall. I lifted my legs, holding onto him for purchase, and then he was slamming into me, my legs wrapped around his waist. I met him move for move, needing him. He lowered his head slightly, lapping at my nipples, before taking my mouth again, and I was tugging on his shirt, knowing I was leaving creases. But I didn’t care.
I just needed him in that moment.
When he came, moaning my name into my mouth, I ignored the tears sliding down my cheeks.
Because I didn’t want this to end. Even though I knew it had to. I couldn’t let this end.
I needed to tell him I loved him. That I wanted him. That I wasn’t afraid that he would leave.
But I knew that was a lie.
When he leaned back and frowned, I quickly went to wipe my face, but he grabbed my wrist.
“What’s wrong? Did I hurt you? Paise…”
I smiled at him then, the sound of my nickname on his lips bringing me to tears once again.
Why couldn’t this be forever? Why did I feel as if I was losing who I had once been?
Why hadn’t I been enough before?
And why did I feel as if I were to ask the question, I wouldn’t find out the answer that I would want.
“I just wasn’t expecting this to happen this morning.”
He studied my face, and while I hadn’t lied, I hadn’t told him the whole truth. “Paise.”
“We need to get you ready. I’m glad I brought you a second shirt. Just in case the lighting of the room was not perfect for the shirt you had before.”
He rolled his eyes at me, and I was grateful that I had distracted him with my nonsense.
“You made me bring two shirts because you were afraid that I would match? They’re both white.”
“One is ivory, the other is pale snow. There’s a difference.”
He was still balls deep within me, his cock pulsing. This was such a ridiculous conversation, but anything not to have feelings in that moment.
But he kissed me softly, and then pulled out of me. I used my robe to clean up after both of us, and then I quickly showered without getting my hair wet, knowing he would change, and we only had a few minutes before we had to be down for cocktails.
I felt sore in all the best ways, but my heart felt just as much.
We would need to talk, something we were good at avoiding. I put my hair in a quick updo that would hide any crinkles from his hands, redid my makeup to hide the blushing, and was grateful that my dress went down to the floor to hide the bruising around my thighs. The bruising that I had begged for because I loved when he held me hard.
August never hurt me in that way. Only in the ways that we didn’t speak of. But he wasn’t hurting me now. We hadn’t made any promises. We hadn’t told ourselves what we might want in the future.
And so why would I be hurt?
If there was no future here, I didn’t have to fall off into a precipice. And if there was a future, as long as I didn’t fall into the abyss without looking back, I would be safe.
Only I knew I was lying to myself.
“You look breathtaking.”
I looked over at August then and swallowed hard. He had put on his tie and suit jacket and looked as if he had not a care in the world.
My red hair fell in waves in the front and was tied up in the back, and it was as good as it was going to get.
I had chosen a soft lilac dress that should have clashed with my hair but hadn’t. It was just a dress. Because no matter what I wore, I would still wear his marks on my flesh. The marks I had begged for. So there lay the difference.
“You look handsome yourself. And you don’t look as if you just fucked me hard against the wall.”
“But I’ll know. And that’s all that matters.”
“And the wall will know. I’m sure they say if only walls could talk is a thing, but I’m glad they don’t. Let’s just keep that between ourselves.”
His gaze went to my mouth, and he shook his head.
My hand went to my lips, and I frowned. “What? Do I have lipstick on my teeth?”
“No, but your lips are swollen. So I’m pretty sure they’re going to figure out what happened.”
I rolled my eyes and grabbed my clutch before taking his outstretched hand.
“If they hadn’t noticed that my lips had been swollen last night after sucking your cock for a good twenty minutes, they’re not going to know now.”
“Oh, I’m pretty sure they knew.”
That made me nearly trip over my feet.
“What?”
“Because I looked so smug. And spent. Because you sure do know how to wring out a man.”
I was laughing as we opened the door, meeting the others in the hallway.
When everyone smiled at us, gazes curious, and yet so full of hope that it worried me, I told myself not to worry. After all, they told us that it was the hope that killed you, but maybe I just needed to trust.
Maybe he wouldn’t leave.
Maybe it would be okay.
And as we sat down at the wedding and watched August’s parents vow to love each other to eternity once again, he held my hand, and I squeezed back. He was the one who needed my strength, and I would be there.
The tableau of watching a couple who had broken the hearts of their children more than once wasn’t lost on me.
I wouldn’t tell myself that if they could fall in love again and trust again, I could as well.
Because that would be dishonest to everyone in this situation.
Especially to me.
“I have fought through Valhalla for you my darling, and I will fight through eternity to be by your side. The two of us against the world.”
August’s father began to wax poetic nonsense, as August’s mother cried happy tears, and I stole a look at the man that I loved.
His jaw was tight, and he held onto my hand in such a firm grip I knew he probably didn’t even realize he was doing it.
Just the two of them against the world.
As if they hadn’t torn through their family countless times in order to make it so.
August was not like his parents in any way. I knew that, and I hoped he did too.
But I saw the worry on his face. Even as I wanted to trust.
Maybe I was seeing too much.
Or maybe, that mistake I told myself not to see in the mirror cried out an agony.
Either way, I held onto his hand and watched this farce of a wedding, and told myself that this was not the path, nor the history I was doomed to repeat.