Chapter 17
Chapter Seventeen
August
I zipped up my coat, shivering a bit, as the cold front began to blow through.
Of course, a winter storm not in the middle of winter was going to hit my cabin, but that was Colorado weather for you. You could have every single season in one day, and circle back. The forecast hadn’t called for snow that morning, but now it seemed that some was on the way. I would be fine though. I had a backup generator, logs for the fireplace, and food and water to get me through. Even if I had to stay a couple of days if I got snowed in up here, I’d be fine. I had papers to grade, books to read, and people to avoid.
Namely my family.
I still couldn’t quite believe that I had soberly and royally fucked up my life so badly.
I made my way back inside the cabin and was grateful that my family and I had gone in on it together. It wasn’t one of the cabin McMansions that dotted the area, but it was a nice place that could hold most of our family. With the family growing leaps and bounds with new kids, one day it might not be big enough for all of us if we wanted something more than a sleeping bag, but it wasn’t like we used this place together. For now, it was just an oasis. Or if you asked my brother, it was a place for me to hide from my dumb ass decisions.
Luca wasn’t wrong about that.
I was the exact dumb ass that he called me.
I had been scared, unworthy, thinking with my past, and not my head, my heart, or even my dick. Maybe if I had been thinking with my dick, I wouldn’t have made such monumentally stupid decisions. But alas, I hadn’t.
So here I was, alone in a cabin with only my thoughts to keep me company.
And it was everything I deserved.
As soon as I had let her walk away, I knew that it was a mistake. But I couldn’t take it back. That would just make me more of a damaging and hateful person than I had already become.
I wasn’t a child. I wasn’t worried about Paisley’s mother ruining the business.
No, I had been worried about myself.
Worried about hurting the person that I loved, and then I ended up doing it anyway.
It made no sense, and I had been scared. Scared something had been real, and now I couldn’t take it back.
I wouldn’t be surprised if my family never talked to me again after realizing that this was permanent. They would take Paisley’s side like they should, and maybe I would see them on holidays. If they let me. Maybe I could video chat with my nieces, so they would remember what Uncle August looked like. I frowned as I set down my backpack. I was a twin. They didn’t need me, did they? Because they always had Heath. Meaning they could just say Uncle August looked like Heath and move on.
Hell. I was all my own disastrous making and there was no turning back.
I went outside, cup of tea in hand, and sat down on the porch to lament.
I just needed to think. To formulate a plan.
To just be.
When the Mercedes skittered up the path, its traction not that great up on this hill, I nearly dropped my mug. Instead, I set it on the porch railing, and clambered down the steps.
I already knew whose car it was, and while I wasn’t surprised at the red-haired woman that stormed out of the door, I was still damn surprised she was even here.
“August Cassidy. We are going to have a talk. Finally. And you’re up in this remote cabin, so you can’t run away from me again. There is no running. Only answers. Do you hear me?”
I blinked at the woman I loved, the woman I thought I would never see again, and swallowed hard.
“Paisley?” Maybe I was dreaming? Though I wasn’t sure if I’d ever dreamed her so angry before. She moved forward, hair flying, and I held back a smile. Oh yeah, I’d dreamed her this angry before.
“Don’t Paisley me. You know exactly who I am. Surprised to see me? Well, maybe because you left me, not once, but twice. I guess you should be a little surprised to see me. But anyway, fuck you. Fuck you, August Cassidy.”
I held up my hands.
“Do you want some tea. A drink?”
“I don’t want anything from you but answers.” She folded her hands over her chest, as a strong wind hit, and I cursed.
“Come inside, Paise. It’s getting cold.” As the first snowflake dropped, Paisley glared up at it.
“Are you telling me there’s going to be a storm? It is not winter.”
“It’s close to it. I mean, it’s Colorado. You sort of just expect weather at all times.”
“I am not being snowed in a cabin with you.”
“Then I would get down the path right now before you get snowed in, though, I don’t know if your Mercedes is going to make it. I have always loved that car.” I whistled through my teeth, and she stomped toward me. She wasn’t wearing weather appropriate clothing, and looked damn sexy when she was all fiery. But I would never say that misogynistic thing out loud. Especially not right now while she was fuming at me. I valued my life, and my balls.
“August. Why are you so scared? Just talk to me. After all this time, just talk to me. And then I’ll go away and never ask you again. But now I’m the one standing up and trying to be strong. To be brave. But just tell me. Why did you leave all those years ago? What happened?”
“Let’s go.”
“No. Because we’ll do something stupid like sleep together.”
I raised a brow, and she just scowled at me.
“I know it’s what we do. We get angry with each other, and we pretend that we’re fine, and then we’re not. Because in the end, we both are so good at avoiding our problems and real decisions, that we just fall into this pattern. And I’m not going to let it happen again. I fell into a pattern with my mother for so long, and standing up to her today? Standing up to her and Jacob and whatever nefarious plans that they had? It felt amazing.”
“What the hell did they do? Are you okay?”
I was in front of her in a flash, checking her for marks and bruises. But I had a feeling it was only the emotional bruises that were left. I had caused my fair share of them.
“They came to me wanting, I don’t know, for me to marry him again?”
Anger slammed into me. “Are you fucking kidding me?”
“That’s what I said. I don’t know what all their plans were, but they can work on them together. By themselves. I threatened restraining orders.”
“Damn straight,” I shouted, so fucking proud of her.
“I should have done it a long time ago. But I was so worried I’d screw something up. And it was hard to stand up to my mom. She might’ve been a terrible mother in some respects, but she did take care of me.”
“That’s like me saying because my dad kept us fed and housed that he was a good father when he was rarely around. Or the fact that my mother only showed up when she needed something. We don’t have good parents, Paisley.”
“I know that. You know that. But I’m not my mother. When are you going to realize that you are not your parents?”
I ran my hands over my face, even as the snow began to come down harder. Little flakes landed on her eyelashes, and I wanted to wipe them away, to keep her warm. But I had a feeling if I tried to do anything but tell her the absolute truth, she wouldn’t let me.
Relief and worry warred within me. After so many years, I needed to tell her. About how cowardly I had been. Even trying to protect the woman that I loved. Even as the fear had been too much.
“You don’t get to leave. You left before, and I’m done. We’re going to talk this out. We got married because we loved each other. Yes, it was rash and it was quick and it might not have worked out anyway, but you just picked up everything and left. And I was so busy trying not to fall in love with you again this time, that I let it happen. I ignored everything that happened before so that way we would just not deal with the consequences or anything complicated. And I don’t want to be that way. Talk to me.”
“You are everything, Paisley.”
“But I wasn’t enough.”
“Fuck that. You were everything . You were going to take over the world. Look at you now? You’ve been on the cover of Forbes . Time Magazine . You’re literally one of the most powerful people in the world.”
“Not really. I just have some good press sometimes. And as you’ve seen recently, I don’t have good press all the time. I’m not powerful in the world but I do have power within my small circles. That’s why not being able to have any power in my personal life is killing me.”
“And I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for being such a jackass.”
“But why? Why did you leave?”
“Because you deserve more than some high school chemistry teacher. We were trying to figure out our jobs and our times to see each other, and I was just trying to find a place that was going to give me medical insurance.”
She took a step back, nearly sliding on the now slushy ice that was beneath her shoes.
“Come inside. We’re going to catch frostbite.”
The storm began to rage on, and she just stood there, staring at me.
“How could you think so little of yourself? How could you think I would think so little of you?”
“It wasn’t just that. I know you didn’t think that. But you could. There were so many opportunities for you. Opportunities you took. But you were afraid to go on those trips because you didn’t want to leave me behind. And I didn’t want to be the person you resented.”
“And you didn’t let me have that choice. You took it all away because you thought I would resent you? I resent you now for leaving me. For breaking my heart. You broke me, August. I’ve never loved anyone else. Including the other man I married. Anyone else was always in comparison to you, and you thought you weren’t good enough? What did you think of me if you thought I would even contemplate that?”
“I’m sorry. I know I’m wrong. I know I was wrong.”
My voice broke as I spoke, and it had nothing to do with the freezing temperatures. Instead, she just stood there, shivering.
“What else? What did my mom do?”
“You don’t need to hear that, Paisley.”
“Fuck off. Tell me. I deserve to know. I’ve already cut my mother out of my life, something I should have done long ago. But what else did she do? Tell me, August Cassidy.”
“She was constantly trying to marry you off. To those other businessmen? Like she did with Jacob?”
“And? I knew what she was doing. She had been trying since I was a teenager. It was disgusting.”
“Well, do you remember the Jefferson Company?”
Paisley frowned, before her eyes widened. “The company that tried to buy me out. And then ended up stopping halfway. When another company came toward me. What does that have to do with it?”
“He was going to undercut you. Stop the business deals. Your mother and him had a scheme. You know your mom.”
“A scheme,” she whispered.
“They were going to take the business out from under you, deem you unfit, and sell it to the highest bidder. And if that didn’t work, your mother had plans to undercut you at every contract that you had. She had been working for months. Because you wouldn’t listen to her. Because you wouldn’t leave me. And I couldn’t let you lose your dream. So I walked away. So you could thrive.”
I should have expected a punch, a slap, but I hadn’t expected the full push. She shoved at my shoulders, and I slid down, only reaching out and taking her with me when I hadn’t meant to. We both hit the ground, me taking the brunt of it, as she shouted.
“Are you kidding me, August Cassidy?”
“Stop full naming me,” I snapped, as I tried to get up, both of us continuing to slide in the increasing snow around us.
“We need to get inside. We’re going to catch hypothermia.”
“Well, you deserve it. How could you think that any of that mattered to me?”
I stood up, barely keeping myself steady enough not to fall again, and then I was holding her tightly to me.
The wind was roaring, and I knew the blizzard was going to hit soon, but I just held her close.
“She was going to destroy your company.”
“That I would’ve rebuilt. I would’ve found another way. Or you could have talked to me, so I was prepared. But you did nothing.”
“Because I was afraid. Because you were so amazing and talented, and I was so stupid. And then my parents came to town, and they were drunk, and they were fighting and they were reminding me exactly why marriage never worked.” I shook my head, and she just stared at me, tears streaming down her face.
“And I was wrong. I was so fucking wrong.”
“You were. You are. You were selfish and you took our choices away from us. And then you tried to do it again. Did my mother help you this time?”
I shook my head as I pulled her toward the cabin, the snow coming down quickly. It was already accumulating, and I had a feeling that I would be using the generator sooner rather than later.
“We need to get inside. It’s not safe.”
“Fine. Only because I don’t want to freeze out here when I’m still angry.”
I held back a chuckle as we walked inside and shook off the snow. The power flickered once, then twice, and then it was just the fire in the fireplace keeping us lit.
The sun was still behind clouds, so it wasn’t pitch black, but it was going to be soon.
“I need to work on the generator, and a few other things. To keep us safe overnight.”
“I’ll help. But first, were you ever going to talk to me again?”
I stared at her as the light from the fire flickered over her face, and we were silent for so long, that every emotion that she felt hit me hard.
Fear, agony, resignation, and acceptance.
Hell. I was such a damn idiot.
“I love you, Paisley.”
Her eyes widened. “What?”
“I love you. I was up here trying to figure out how I was going to be a hermit so I would never have to see you again because it was too damn hard. Because I was such a coward for walking away all those years ago and again. If you want me to get down on my knees in the dirt and the snow and grovel, I will. But I should have fought for you. I just thought I was keeping you safe. And I realize now I was so wrong.”
“Just like that. You want me to forgive you just like that.”
“No, I want you to take your time to forgive me. Figure out if you still love me. Because walking away to protect you before might’ve been noble in some eyes, but it was such a fucking mistake that I’ve been trying to make up for it ever since. And at the wedding? I was scared. But I was going to try to find a way to fix it. Even if it took me far too long to realize how. Even if I’m still trying to figure out how.”
As the power went back on again, and then turned back off, I saw Paisley’s face drain of color before she wrapped her arms in my coat.
“I kept telling myself that falling in love with you would be a mistake. That wanting to be with you would be a mistake. And I will forever hate my mother for what she did, hate Jacob for the same. But I don’t want to hate you anymore. I just want to figure out who we are. Without the labels, without the secrets. Without the fear that we’ll become our parents. Just love me, August. And trust me. That’s all I ask.”
I slid my thumbs along her cheeks, wiping away her tears.
“I will love you until the end of our days, Paisley Cassidy Renee.”
“Don’t full name me,” she teased. “But I love you. Even when it would’ve been easier for me not to, I loved you. Just help me trust you. That’s all I ask.”
“Every moment that we have together I will do my best so you can trust me again. Give me a second chance. A third chance. Give me all the chances. But let me be yours. I love you, Paisley. And I’m sorry for being scared. I’m sorry for walking away.”
“And I’m sorry for not fighting when I needed to. I love you, August. So let’s take that second chance. And let’s see what happens. When it’s just the two of us.”
“No exes, no mothers, no parents, no drama. Just you and me.”
“And no more running away.”
And then my mouth was on hers, and the power went back on again, as the storm raged, and I held the woman that I loved close.
“You know, I only brought one sleeping bag. The beds aren’t even made.”
“Are you telling me that I’m going to have to cuddle with you in a sleeping bag next to a fire all night?” she asked.
“I know it’ll be tough. But I’ll find ways to keep you warm.”
“You have so much groveling to do. So I guess you should probably start.”
“So first the generator? And then I’ll get on my knees.”
She raised a brow. “Oh, you’re going to be on your knees for a long while. Just saying. After all, I’m very bossy. Just ask anyone.”
“Whatever you say, ma’am.”
And as I kissed her again, and we laughed together, I knew that this was just one next step.
I had always loved her. Even when I told myself I couldn’t. That I shouldn’t.
And now I would spend the rest of my days promising her forever. And keeping that promise.
She was my first, my second, my always.
And it was about time that my heart, my soul, and my promises made that fact a forever. One second chance at a time.