16. River
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
River
Should I keep going?
I’d meant that question rhetorically. I couldn’t stand here off a dirt road and make out with Charlie while the police were searching for us. No matter how much I was tempted.
Still, I looked for some sign in her face that I’d met the challenge she had issued.
Prove it. Make me feel it .
She blinked like she was coming out of a daze. “That was…informative. I think I got the gist.”
Then she faced forward again and rubbed her hands along her pants.
I was still halfway into her seat, looming over her. My thoughts and my heart rate a chaotic mess.
There was something cathartic about having the truth out there on the table. Finally.
“We can’t do that again, though,” she said.
I ignored the way my blood fired up, wanting to change her mind. “Are you ready to get on the road now? No more talk about splitting up?”
“Seems like you won’t take no for an answer.”
“About this? You’re damn right I won’t.” My words were harsh, but I’d tried to deliver them gently. I wouldn’t abandon her. She was the one who’d told me I hurt her by leaving her behind in the past. Choosing my career over her friendship. “I know this is frightening, but I’ve got you, okay? You let me carry you through the rain once. Let me do it again.”
Her eyes softened, and she nodded. I added a kiss to her forehead before I backed away and shut her door.
My eyes slid closed. Deep breath.
Charlie had never loved me. And she never would. I’d accepted that fact long ago. But I had felt a hell of a lot during that kiss. All the way down to my center.
Three days ago, before all this had started, I would have claimed those feelings were in the past. I had loved her once, but not anymore. Bullshit. With that kiss, I had proven to myself that I was utterly fucking hopeless.
Yet that passion hadn’t been one-sided. Maybe she didn’t feel the way I did, but Charlie wanted me. Even if she’d wisely decided we couldn’t act on it further.
Remember your job . Get back to the mission .
I slid into the driver’s seat and started the engine, my usual smile back in place. “You know I’m not actually kidnapping you, right? No matter what I just confessed, this is not me dragging you back to my lair for my own selfish purposes. Just to get that out there.”
She laughed. Maybe a little too hard. “Just drive. Take me back to your lair. I’m dying to see it.”
An hour into the drive, Charlie’s hand snuck over to my side of the cabin. Her fingers twisted with mine.
I glanced over, and she was still studying the view through the window. But this felt like a peace offering. An acknowledgment that, no matter what we had just said and done, we were okay.
I liked being able to touch her. It grounded me. Solidified my resolve and helped smooth out the adrenaline still coursing through me.
I was in control.
I still had no faith in my ability to give her what she needed on an emotional level. I wasn’t boyfriend material. But protecting her life was well within my skill set.
“Another hour until we get there,” I said.
“Okay. Is this a cabin or something?”
“Yeah. Originally a hunting cabin. I bought it right after I moved to Hartley and made some improvements. It’s off the grid.” Also small. One bed, no couch. But she’d see that once we arrived.
She nodded. “Off the grid sounds good.”
Now that we’d gotten this far, I felt confident we wouldn’t run into anyone else. I had all the routes in and out of this place memorized. We hadn’t seen another soul in many miles.
“The mission has gone a little sideways so far, but I’ve had worse.”
“You’ve been accused of being a terrorist before?”
“I’ve posed as a terrorist. I made it out just fine. The bad guys didn’t.”
The particular cargo I was carrying now, though? She meant more to me than all my previous ops combined. I’d failed to anticipate the kidnapping angle, and I couldn’t screw up again. I couldn’t get any more distracted than I was already.
What I really needed was to get online, talk to Cerberus, then the Protectors. Find something to use against Stillwater. Not waste headspace fantasizing about finally having Charlie the way I’d always wanted. In the one bed in my remote cabin.
I glanced at her again just as she licked her lips.
I’d had my tongue in her mouth. She’d sucked on it like it was… Ungh . My groan was a low rumble, hopefully too low for her to hear.
“With your level of confidence, you would’ve made an excellent politician,” she said.
“Nah, I’ve never liked the public eye. You know me. I’d rather be the guy in the shadows.” Which was just another reminder of how different our lives were.
She rubbed her eyes. “And now your face is plastered all over the news because of me.”
“Stop thinking about that.”
“Avoiding reality? That’s a good strategy for you?”
“When it’s something I can’t change at the moment? Yep. I bury it.” Or I tried to, anyway. Sometimes I failed. Spectacularly. “Reality is what I say it is.”
She chuckled. “You’re ridiculous.”
“Believe me, I know.”
Do not think about how soft her lips were. Don’t think about her mouth or the sexy little sounds she made when I pushed my tongue inside . Or other places I’d like to put my tongue .
“Fuck,” I whispered.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
Eventually, the dense forest opened into a narrow valley. Lush green grass grew along an oxbow creek, with tree-covered mountains rising in the distance. I turned at a wooden marker, then followed the winding drive to where my cabin sat beneath tall pines .
“This is it.” I pulled the 4Runner behind the structure and put it in park. Charlie pushed open her door and jumped out.
I joined her a moment later. She had her eyes closed, face turned up, breathing in. “Smells like home. Exactly what I needed.”
Me too , I thought.
Smiling, I led her to the cabin. “I’ll show you inside. Not as comfortable as your parents’ place. It’s, uh, on the small side.” The electronic keypad beeped as I entered the code.
The cabin was a rectangle with a bump-out for the entrance and a tiny bathroom. The main room had a kitchen on one side, where I’d converted half of the cabinets into storage for electronics, weapons, other miscellaneous gear. The other half of the room was the sleeping area.
“Small is right,” she said, staring at the single bed. It wasn’t a huge bed, either. Full size at the most. “We’re sharing that?”
“We could take turns. Sleep in shifts. My sleep schedule is all over the place anyway.” Otherwise, the two of us were going to be very cozy in there. A thought I shouldn’t be entertaining given what had happened in the car. “I bought this place to be a bolt-hole, in case shit ever went south for me in Hartley.”
“Just in case? Is that a paranoid CIA thing?”
“Probably. Makes me feel better, though. Trace and I are working on a network of safe houses for the Protectors, but this one is just for me. Of course I’ll share with my friends if they get desperate enough to need it, but that hasn’t been necessary yet. I usually sneak out here once a month and spend a day or two.”
Charlie glanced at the bookshelf, which I’d filled with an assortment of personal stuff. Paperbacks, framed photos of me and my SEAL buddies, a couple decks of playing cards. Some souvenirs I’d brought back from various parts of the world.
My friends in Hartley would probably be surprised to see this collection, considering the fact that my apartment on Main Street was spartan by comparison. I was a private guy. Especially since I knew how easy it was to spy on someone, break inside their secret life.
I didn’t come to this cabin often, but I liked knowing that no one would have this glimpse into who I was unless I chose to share it.
I felt a new thrill of pleasure that Charlie was here.
“Speaking of my friends,” I said, “I should get in touch.”
I set up my computer and logged onto the secure server using my satellite connection. Charlie disappeared into the bathroom. She had to feel drained. But the best thing I could do for her was work my contacts.
On the Protectors chat, I already had a message waiting from Trace. He sounded mildly concerned, to say the least, wondering why I was now Colorado’s Most Wanted.
Trace:
You didn’t really kidnap the Lt Governor, right?
Me:
Kidnap is a strong word. I’m going with no.
So I don’t need to disavow your existence?
Not just yet. What’s happening in Hartley?
My buddy filled me in. Apparently, Owen’s office had been getting calls from every law enforcement agency in the state. Troopers had shown up at my apartment with a search warrant a couple of hours ago. They wouldn’t find anything because I hadn’t left anything interesting behind. State police had also been knocking on doors, questioning my friends about my whereabouts. Also no big deal. Even if they had known my location, they’d never reveal it.
But it was only a matter of time until state police or even the FBI turned up at Last Refuge. That was more upsetting. We had several protectees staying on the property at the moment. But Trace assured me that he and Aiden could manage Last Refuge, and Owen was handling the influx of outside law enforcement. I should remain focused on Charlie and myself.
I glanced at her just as she emerged from the bathroom, and my heart clenched. Yeah, it was impossible for me not to focus on her.
“You doing all right?” I asked. “Hungry?”
“I’m too wired to be hungry.”
“Want to check the news?”
“ No . I can’t think about that right now. I’m going to take a walk. Do you think that’s safe?”
“Sure. I own about forty acres of the surrounding land, and the cabin is smack dab in the middle. Beyond that is national forest.” One of the features I loved about this spot. The isolation. “I’d prefer if you stay within an acre of the cabin though. Want me to come with you?”
She hesitated. “I think some space between us would be good.”
Ouch. But she had a point. I should be focused on defending her against Stillwater right now.
Charlie didn’t look at me on her way out.
I sent off a few more messages, including to Cerberus, asking him to check on Jud Hale’s recent activity. Next, I would need to set up safe access to Charlie’s phone. I wanted to know why Jud had tried to contact her just before the attack at the fundraiser .
But just as I was pulling items from my work shelves in the kitchen, the door to the cabin burst open again. Charlie stood there, looking grumpy and directing her eyes anywhere but at me.
“I changed my mind. Would you walk with me? I don’t want to be alone.”
Protectiveness heated my blood. Possessiveness too. That kiss had amped up my testosterone, and it wasn’t going away. “If you want me with you, who am I to say no?”
She pointed a finger. “You’re not allowed to be smug about this, though.”
“Me? Never.” I followed Charlie outside.
We made a circuit around the cabin, and I pointed out the landmarks. I had a small farm of solar panels feeding a storage battery, which I used for my electrical needs. There was a shed for various outdoor equipment. I’d planned to camp in the nearby mountains at some point, though I hadn’t been able to swing that yet. Too much going on in Hartley with the Protectors.
I had a quick flash of an image. Charlie and me, bundled together in a sleeping bag under the stars. A pang of longing twisted in my stomach.
Leave it, man , I told myself. You’re lucky you got a kiss . Nothing else was going to happen.
We walked to a spot where the trees thinned out, and you could see across the valley to the nearest mountains. “Do you recognize the view?”
She studied it. “Am I supposed to? I know Colorado well, but I don’t have all of it memorized.”
I stepped in behind her. I’d been trying to give her the space she wanted, but I simply couldn’t stop myself from touching her shoulders. Turning her slightly.
I pointed. “Right there. It’s Silver Mountain. About twenty-five miles away. ”
Where Charlie’s parents lived.
“Oh.” It was a small sound. Breathy. “I knew we had to be close, but I didn’t realize.”
Their property was on the other side, and the McKinley home didn’t have a view of this valley. That was why Charlie hadn’t placed it. “I bought this land sight-unseen,” I said. “Didn’t want my real name associated anywhere with it, even with my broker. But when I came here and realized I had a view of Silver Mountain, it felt like a sign.”
“A sign of what?”
“That I could be happy here. Like I used to be those summers when we were kids.” I still had my hands on her shoulders. She wasn’t moving, but she felt vibrant under my palms. Someone I could hold on to for a little while, but not for long.
Then Charlie’s head turned, showing me her profile, and our eyes locked. “Those summers with my family meant that much to you?”
“They meant everything to me.”
Her chin lifted, angling her head just so. Our mouths lined up perfectly.
Suddenly we were kissing again.
Our lips and tongues tangled in a seductive dance, though more tentatively than the last time. Like neither of us was sure how we’d gotten here, but we simply couldn’t help ourselves.
With a sharp intake of breath, Charlie broke away. Took a few steps, creating some distance. Squeezed her eyes shut. “Crap, I didn’t mean to do that.”
I stuck my hands in my pockets. “But did you want to do it? I did. I do.”
“River, what am I supposed to say? I’m flattered by what you told me. About how you feel. But I’m taking a break from relationships right now, and even if I wasn’t, you and me…”
“I know we wouldn’t work. For way too many reasons. I’m not looking for a relationship either. That’s never been my thing.”
“And there’s your brother.”
I grimaced. “Yep.”
Ross and I weren’t close, but this had to be a violation of the brotherly code of ethics. Even though it had been years, and he was living his own happiness. Was that enough? Did that absolve me?
What would he say if he knew I’d wanted her all this time?
Charlie bit her lip. “But…”
“But?” I asked hopefully.
“I care about you too. That’s why I’m so afraid of you getting hurt or screwing up your life because you helped me.”
“I’ve gotten out of worse situations. I’m here with you, and we’re safe. For now, that’s all I could ask for.”
I needed to touch her. Felt that urge deep in my gut. But somehow, I held myself back this time.
“Unless there’s something else you want to ask for,” I added. Straight from the devil on my shoulder.
“Stop tempting me.”
“Didn’t know I was so tempting.”
She glared. But there was so much heat in that look. We were both wavering. Inches from giving in and ignoring every reason we should say no.
Yes . I wanted yes .
If she wanted this, not even I could stop me.
“Nobody has to know what we do,” I murmured.
She sucked in another breath, and the spark in her eyes turned to a full-on forest fire .
Slowly, I walked toward her. My chin lowered as I held her gaze. When I was centimeters away, standing over her, I used a single fingertip to brush the strands of hair from her forehead. Her eyelids fluttered closed.
Certain aspects of my personality had made me an effective operative during my career. But Charlie knew those things about me.
Now, she also knew how I felt. How I burned for her.
The final choice was hers, but was it wrong if I used the tools in my arsenal if every word was true?
“I know you don’t feel the same way I do. I don’t expect anything from you. But I could show you how much I want you. All the things I’ve longed to do to you since we were teenagers. I think you want that too.”
With effort, she backed up once again. One foot. Then another. “We’ve both agreed that we shouldn’t. For many reasons. We’re grown adults. We should be able to coexist in the same space and keep our hands off each other. Right?”
I said nothing. I didn’t have much chance because she barely paused before continuing to ramble.
“Right,” she said. “So, we figure out how to manage this. I feel safer when you’re near me, but we can be doing different things. Very different, very non-sexual things. Without touching.”
I smiled. “Charlie.”
“You can do your computer stuff, and I’ll, I don’t know, play solitaire or cook dinner or something. And we will not cross any more lines. Or look at each other. Or look at the bed.” She started toward the cabin.
“ Charlie .”
She whirled to face me, eyes wild.
“Come here and kiss me.”
“Yes. Okay. ”
She ran toward me and threw her arms around my neck. I held onto her waist, lifting her off her feet. Our mouths fused together.
This was it. This was home . Forever wasn’t in the cards for us, but at least I’d finally know what it was like to call her mine.