Chapter Two
Seth
“I’m not sure how much more of her I can take,” I murmur, shaking my head at Aiden.
“What’s the problem?” He tilts his dark head, looking over the top of his reading glasses before he removes them, placing them on his desk, and sits back in his chair, giving me his full attention.
“The problem? She’s crap at her job.”
“She’s an intern,” he says, quite reasonably. “What do you expect?”
“Someone who doesn’t spend at least half of her day in my office, asking me dumb questions. Someone who can act on their own initiative once in a while, without running to me. Why the fuck do you think I’m in here?”
“To moan at me?”
“To seek sanctuary. If she thinks I’m in a meeting with you, she’ll leave me alone.”
“Sounds to me like Davina’s got a crush on you,” he says, smiling, like he’s really enjoying this.
“Don’t say that. It’s the last thing I need… and anyway, I don’t think it’s like that. She’s never made a pass at me.”
“But you wish she would?” he says.
“Fuck, no.”
He chuckles, and I have to smile. Despite my frustrations, at least I can talk to Aiden about them… and not just as my boss – and Davina’s, too – but also as a friend, because that’s what he’s become over the last eleven years, since I started working for him. Despite the ten-year age gap between the two of us, I can speak my mind, confide in him, and tell him how I feel… and that’s a two way street. He proved that when he discovered his first wife Roselyn was cheating on him five years ago, and he turned to me. I’d met Roselyn frequently, and I have to say, she didn’t seem the type to even think of looking elsewhere, let alone put thoughts into actions… but that just goes to show, you never can tell. In any case, he was hurt, confused, angry and humiliated by what she’d done… especially as Aiden knew the guy she’d been sleeping with. He was a neighbor of theirs who I’d never met, and think that helped. It meant he could say whatever he wanted, without fear of me repeating a word of it to any interested parties. Not that I would have done. But my impartiality certainly counted in my favor as I helped him through his divorce, which was nowhere near as messy as it could have been.
Since then, Aiden’s met someone else. Her name is Jordan. She’s got two little girls from her first marriage, and they’ve now got a baby of their own… a little boy who’s about six months old. He’s called George, and he’s a time-consuming, noisy handful, even if he is kinda cute. Aiden always wanted kids. I think that was another bone of contention with Roselyn, who wasn’t so keen on the idea, but I can see how happy he is now. It’s obvious for anyone to see, despite the lack of sleep since George arrived on the scene. He keeps telling me he’s going to propose, but he hasn’t gotten around to it yet. God knows why, though. Like I say, he’s happy… happier than he’s ever been, and he and Jordan are good together. I’ve asked if he’s worried about getting burned again, but he says he’s not. He says it’s just about finding the right time. I guess with three kids under the age of six, that’s understandable, but I know if I were him, I wouldn’t wait. I wouldn’t let anything get in my way. Hell… if I could have Everly back, I wouldn’t hesitate for a second. I’d ask her to be mine forever.
Although there’s not much chance of that happening.
“What’s the problem?” Aiden says, breaking into my thoughts.
“I’ve already explained. Davina’s crap at her job. She won’t leave me alone, and…”
He shakes his head, and I stop talking. “That’s not it,” he says. “This is about something more than Davina. She might annoy you, but she’s not the real problem.” He sits forward. “You’ve been miserable since before Davina even started working here, so my guess is that this is about Everly.”
“You don’t think I can’t tell a good intern from a bad one?”
“Of course I do, but you’re not normally this impatient, even with the worst of them.” He picks up his cup, checking to see whether it’s got anything inside, and then takes it over to the coffee machine in the corner of his office. “Do you want one?” he asks and I nod my head, watching while he fixes us both a black coffee, bringing the cups back to his desk and sitting down again. “It’s been a year, hasn’t it?”
“What has?”
“Don’t play coy. It’s been a year since you left Everly.”
I wish he wouldn’t put it like that. It reminds me of my mistakes…
“Nearly,” I murmur, knowing it’s exactly two weeks away from being a year since I slammed the door on the best thing that’s ever happened to me… or is ever likely to. It’s not a milestone I particularly want to get to. A year without Everly doesn’t bear thinking about… and yet I think about it every single day. I think about her every single minute of every single day, because I know I screwed up. Just like I know she’ll never forgive me… which is why asking her to be mine would be pointless.
“Can I take it you’re not over her?” Aiden asks, putting his cup on his desk and resting his elbows on its surface, his eyes boring into mine. He looks younger than his forty-three years, his hair barely touched by gray, except perhaps at the temples, and I know he works out several times a week, which is reflected in his muscular frame… not that I’m any slouch. I also have the advantage of height, being at least four inches taller than him, but as we’re sitting down, that doesn’t count for much.
“No, I’m not,” I say, knowing it’s no use lying to him. Not only would he see through me in a moment, but I won’t get anywhere by pretending.
“Have you dated anyone since you split up with her?” he asks.
“No.”
“Really? I heard a rumor about you and Matilda in accounts.”
I nod my head, thinking about the pretty redhead, renowned for wearing short skirts and revealing tops, and he raises his eyebrows, like he expects some kind of revelation. “She asked me to have dinner with her,” I admit.
“And?”
“And I declined.”
“Because you need your head examined?”
“No. I just didn’t wanna go out with her.”
He lets out a long sigh, picking up his cup and taking a sip of coffee before he looks at me again. “That might explain why she left so suddenly.”
“I doubt it.”
“No, you’re probably right, although I’m still surprised you turned her down. She’s beautiful. Maybe a little obvious about it, but beautiful.”
“I know. I’m not blind. But she’s not Everly, is she?”
He puts his cup back down. “She really is the love of your life, isn’t she?”
“Yes.”
I knew that the moment I met her, and she felt the same way. Together, we could light up a room… hell, we could light up the world. And we did, until I left her.
“Maybe you should go see her,” he says, and I jump. I actually jump at his suggestion.
“Are you crazy?”
“No,” he says, smiling. “I mean, what’s the worst that can happen?”
“I don’t know, but I imagine it will involve you attending my funeral.”
“No, it won’t. Worst case scenario, she’ll yell at you and throw you out.”
I don’t think I like the sound of that. Even my own funeral sounds more appealing. “And best case scenario?” I ask.
“You’ll work things out.”
I shake my head. “You’re assuming she can forgive me?”
“What for? You didn’t cheat, did you?” he asks, his eyes narrowing, his lips forming into a hard line, no doubt caused by memories of Roselyn and what she did.
“No. I may be crazy, but I’m not that crazy.”
“So, there was no-one else involved?”
“Well…”
He frowns. “What aren’t you saying, Seth?”
“There was someone.”
“Another woman?”
“Yeah. Helen. Helen Rogers. She’s a teacher at the elementary school in Hart’s Creek. She used to flirt with me… a lot.”
I can still remember what it felt like to be the center of her world. And I won’t lie, I enjoyed it. It was good to feel as though there was someone out there who gave a damn, who smiled every time she saw me, and whose eyes lit up just because I was there, especially when Everly was so wrapped up in everything else in her life, except me. Besides, I didn’t realize Everly had even noticed. Not until that last day, when my world fell apart in front of me.
“So, you didn’t shut her down?” Aiden says, and my stomach feels like lead as I remember the look on Everly’s face.
“No.”
He shakes his head. “Big mistake, man.”
“I know. But we didn’t break up because of Helen. We broke up because… because I felt Everly was shutting me out.”
“Shutting you out?”
“Yeah.”
“Meaning?” he says, sounding confused.
“Meaning, she wouldn’t let me help her… she wouldn’t talk to me, wouldn’t spend any time with me. We never saw each other because everything in her life revolved around the coffee shop.”
“This would be the coffee shop she inherited from her aunt?” he asks, frowning.
“Yeah. Although she owned half of it before Aunt Clare died.”
“Okay, but it had to be hard taking on the entire thing.”
“I get that,” I say, raising my voice just slightly. “That’s why I wanted to help. Only she wouldn’t let me.”
“And that’s why you left?”
“Yeah… and before you tell me it’s not a good enough reason, I already know that. I get that I fucked up.”
“Did you, though? Aside from allowing someone to flirt with you, which is a clear breach of trust, did you fuck up?”
“Yes. I—I gave her an ultimatum. Even though I didn’t mean to.”
“What do you mean?”
“It came out wrong.” Spectacularly wrong.
“Don’t tell me… you asked her to choose. You or the coffee shop?”
“Yeah.”
“And she chose the coffee shop?”
“No, she said she couldn’t choose, which is pretty much the same thing.”
He pulls a face, which shows he agrees, and then leans forward. “Okay, but I still don’t understand why you haven’t been back there. Surely you could apologize for the flirting and for not shutting that woman down, and you could explain about the ultimatum. It’s gotta be worth a shot, hasn’t it? So, why don’t you go?”
“Pride… shame… guilt…” Fear of having to explain myself. “Do you want me to go on?”
“No,” he says. “But if you want her back, I’d suggest you suck it up.”
There’s no question of wanting her back. It’s the thought that fills my every waking moment. As for my dreams, they’re filled with Everly, too. She’s always there… always in my head, and in my heart, and as I drive home, I wish I could drive back to her, instead of an empty apartment.
Don’t get me wrong, I like my apartment. It’s in a small, gated community with landscaped gardens, and I live in the third block on the left. There are only eight in total, and each building has four apartments. Aiden helped me find it when I left Everly, and landed on his doorstep, desperate for somewhere to stay. He let me use his guest bedroom for a few nights, and then this place came up and I’ve been renting it ever since. I quite like the open-plan kitchen and living area. It reminds me of Everly’s apartment above the coffee shop, although this place is more modern. Having two bedrooms is useful. I use the second one as an office, which means I can work from home every so often… even if only to escape from Davina.
I sigh, thinking about her as I park my car. I wasn’t exaggerating when I told Aiden that she spends half her time hovering around my desk. For the last three days, I’ve barely achieved anything, other than to answer her questions… and while I get that everyone has to learn, it seems Davina’s taking her time getting there, because she keeps asking the same things, over and over… and over.
Still, at least it’s Friday. She’s not my problem for the next two days… thank God.
I climb the stairs, letting myself in and shrugging off my jacket, which I throw over the back of one of the four chairs that surround the circular dining table, before I wander into the living area and flop onto the cream-colored L-shaped couch and stare at the 85-inch TV screen on the wall opposite. I definitely landed on my feet when I moved in here, with nothing to my name other than the bags I was carrying. The furniture may not be entirely to my taste, but it’s good quality, and comfortable… which is just what I need right now, with Aiden’s words still ringing around my head. I have to admit, he’s right… I should suck it up, and I ought to go back. I think I’ve known that all along. Apart from anything else, I need to apologize. Not just for leaving Everly, but for the circumstances of my departure… and the timing of it. I should have said sorry a long time ago, but at the beginning, I wanted Everly to come after me. I didn’t dare tell Aiden that. He’d have accused me of arrogance beyond compare, but it wasn’t entirely about my own conceit. It was about those circumstances… which never came to anything. Obviously. I wasn’t to know that at the time, but even aside from that, I wanted Everly to need me, like I needed her. Except she didn’t, and it was only after a couple of weeks of stoney silence that I realized how much I’d lost. It was fear that kept me away then. Fear of being rejected… of being told she didn’t want me anymore.
“You’re fucking pathetic,” I whisper under my breath, sitting up on the edge of the couch and resting my elbows on my knees, my head in my hands. That’s hardly a surprise. Walking out on Everly was about the most cowardly act I’ve ever heard of… let alone committed, and I’m not proud of it.
I don’t have a defense, but I suppose my only excuse – if it can be called one – is that she caught me off guard. I’d been planning to talk to her about her hours at the coffee shop, about the fact that I’d wanted to help her since her aunt’s death, and that she wouldn’t let me. She wouldn’t let anyone. She’d shut me out, using the coffee shop as an excuse, and I felt excluded from her life… and from her grief. I wanted to tell her how it felt, and to ask if we could find a way around it. There were other things we needed to talk about, too… but despite my well-rehearsed speech, the whole thing fell apart when Helen ambushed me outside the coffee shop. I always used to park out front when I got back from work, and that night, as I retrieved my jacket from the back seat, I felt someone come up behind me and put their hands on my hips. It was a woman… that much was obvious. But it wasn’t Everly, and I spun around, coming face-to-face with Helen. Probably a year or two older than Everly, there was no denying that Helen was beautiful. She wasn’t on the same level as Everly, but she was beautiful, nonetheless. On that day, she was wearing a floral dress with a jacket over the top, and her dark hair was hanging loose around her shoulders. I closed the car door, leaning back against it, and she looked up at me, a smile touching at her lips.
“Good day?” she said, tilting her head.
“Not bad. You?”
“It’s getting better by the minute.” Her eyes were fixed on mine, and her meaning wasn’t lost. It never had been before, on all the other occasions she’d said things like that to me, and while I knew I should tell her to stop, I didn’t.
“Is there a reason for that?” I asked instead, knowing it was wrong of me.
“You know there is, Seth.” She put her hand on my arm and I didn’t pull away. Instead, I just stared at her for a long moment and then smiled.
“Just like you know I’m spoken for,” I said.
“You could say that with a little more conviction.”
I chuckled. “And you could behave yourself.”
She moved her hand upward, letting it rest on my bicep. “Where would be the fun in that?”
I laughed, and she joined in, just as the door to the coffee shop opened and someone stepped out, reminding me I was, indeed, spoken for, and that the woman I loved was working inside.
“I—I’d better go,” I said, stepping away, forcing Helen to release me.
“If you insist.”
I wasn’t doing very much ‘insisting’, and I think Helen knew that, although she stepped back and let me go. I could feel her eyes on me as I walked away, though… and I liked that. It made me feel wanted.
It might have been nearly six-thirty in the evening, but the coffee shop was still busy. Everly was rushed off her feet, and I had to wait five minutes for her to even notice me. The contrast between her obvious cold-shoulder and Helen’s close attentions was almost overwhelming, especially as Everly couldn’t even raise a smile when she turned to look at me.
“We need to talk,” I said, which probably wasn’t the best thing to say in the circumstances. We’d both had a long day, and she was clearly still in the throes of hers, although she surprised me by nodding her head.
“Yeah. I think we do. Go on up. I’ll join you as soon as I can.”
Was that it?
I felt angry that, although we both knew something was wrong, I was still having to wait. I could have fixed myself a coffee, or taken a shower, but instead I just paced the floor, until she finally appeared at the top of the stairs, looking worn out. Part of me wanted to hold her and tell her it could wait, but we’d put this off for too long already.
“Do you wanna sit down?” I asked.
“No. I want you to tell me what’s going on between you and Helen Rogers.”
I hadn’t expected that and I felt cornered, knowing I was in the wrong, and that I should have been more firm with Helen right from the start.
“There’s nothing going on,” I said, shaking my head and doing my best to sound offended by the suggestion.
“You expect me to believe that?”
“It would be nice, yeah.”
“It would be even nicer if I didn’t keep seeing the two of you together.”
“She’s a friend, Everly.” That much was true. Helen was a friend. I had a lot of them in Hart’s Creek, and although I knew I’d blurred the lines with Helen, I’d never have let them progress any further, no matter what Everly thought.
“I don’t have friends who touch me the way she touches you.”
I was relieved about that. The thought of another man touching Everly made my blood boil, but as I contemplated that, I was awash with guilt for letting Helen do the things she’d done. They were innocent, playful, nothing more. But I should never have allowed any of it to happen. I knew that. Even so, I wasn’t in the mood for being blamed.
“That’s just the way she is,” I said.
“Maybe. But does she have to be that way with you?”
“I’m pretty sure she’s that way with everyone.”
“Are you suggesting I’m seeing things that aren’t there?”
“I’m suggesting this could have more to do with your insecurities than anything else.” I felt guilty for saying that, and quickly added, “And besides, she’s not the problem,” because I wanted to get us back to the script… away from my misdemeanors, I suppose.
“You think?”
“Yes.”
She let out a sigh, pulling her hair from its ponytail and pushing her fingers through it before looking up at me, tears welling in her eyes. “What is the problem, then?” she asked.
“Things aren’t right between us, and we both know it.”
“Do we?”
“You know we do. It hasn’t been right for ages, Everly.”
“Are you unhappy with me?”
“I’ve been happier,” I said truthfully, and although I still wanted to revert to my rehearsed speech, to explain how I’d been feeling for the last few months, the only words that came out of my mouth were, “I feel like I never see you anymore,” which were wholly inadequate.
“You see me every evening.”
“Yeah, for the hour or two that you can stay awake.”
“Because I’m tired.”
“I get that, but when your aunt was alive, you used to split the shifts between you, as well as having the two part-timers. Now, it’s just you.”
“No, it’s not. I’ve still got Monica and Barbra.”
“Who between them cover the breakfast and lunch shifts… at least some of the time, which leaves you doing all the rest on your own.”
“I know,” she yelled. “But it’s not that easy.”
“Why not?”
“Because you’re suggesting I should find someone to take Aunt Clare’s place… just like that?” She rounded on me.
“No. That’s not what I was suggesting at all. Stop putting words in my mouth.”
“It’s only been four months.”
“And? That doesn’t stop you from finding someone to help… not to take over from Aunt Clare, but to help.” It wasn’t going how I’d planned at all. I knew I was coming across as demanding, unsympathetic, and impatient, when what I wanted was to help her. “This place won’t fall down if you’re not there at the helm every minute of the day, you know?” I said, doing my best to soften my voice. “And working all these hours isn’t good for you. It’s not good for us, either. I need you.”
“And you think I don’t need you?” she said, shaking her head.
“It’s kinda hard to tell,” I murmured, regretting my words the moment they’d left my lips. I stepped forward, but she held up a hand, stopping me.
“How can you say that?” She raised her voice.
“Because I’m sick of coming second.”
“You don’t.”
“No. Sometimes I’m even further down your list of priorities.”
“I didn’t ask to be put in this position, did I? I didn’t ask for my aunt to die, or to inherit the coffee shop.”
“Maybe not, but you could let me in every once in a while. You could try harder to put us first.”
“To put you first, you mean?”
“I’d do it for you. If you asked me to choose between my job and you, I’d choose you.”
“Is that what this is about? You want me to choose?”
“Yes, I do.”
I hadn’t meant to say that. I just wanted her to take a step back, to see things from someone else’s perspective, and to get some help, so she wasn’t working every hour of the day. But the question was out there, and I stared at her, waiting… until she looked away, and I knew what her answer was going to be.
“I can’t,” she said. “I can’t choose. This is Aunt Clare’s place. It’s where I grew up. You can’t ask me to just walk away from it.”
“But you’ll walk away from me?”
“No, but I’m not the one issuing ultimatums, am I?”
I stared at her, willing her to change her mind. I’d never have asked her to leave. Not in reality. But I wanted her to choose me. The problem was, she couldn’t, and eventually I realized it was useless and I turned and headed up the stairs to our bedroom. She didn’t call after me, and I guess she assumed I was just getting some time out, away from the atmosphere we’d created.
I wasn’t.
I spent the next twenty minutes packing my bags, and it was only when I came back down the stairs, carrying them, that Everly realized I meant business. She stared at my bags and then raised her eyes to mine.
“Where are you going?”
“I don’t know.”
“But you’re leaving, even though you’ve spent the last five years telling me you won’t… promising me you won’t?”
“Give me a reason to stay.”
“Give up the coffee shop, you mean?”
I didn’t answer, and after what felt like a lifetime of silence, it became clear neither of us had anything left to say, so I grabbed my keys and my jacket, and walked out.
It was a cowardly thing to do. I knew that, even as I threw my bags into the trunk of my car, but at the time I felt justified. Everly was so wrapped up in her world… her grief, her life, her coffee shop… and while I never expected her to give it up altogether, there was no getting away from the fact that she had precious little time for me anymore, or for us. I felt excluded from it all, but most especially from her life, and from the grief I wanted us to share… which is probably how Helen had slipped in under my radar, and why I hadn’t dismissed her, like I should have done.
Because I should have done, despite my pathetic excuses.
You know, the stupid part about all of it was that I loved Everly with all my heart.
The even more stupid part was that I’d bought an engagement ring not long before Aunt Clare died. I’d been planning to propose on Everly’s birthday, which is the middle of January, but Aunt Clare had a stroke and died on New Year’s Day, and the idea of proposing just a couple of weeks later seemed inappropriate, when Everly was so mired in grief… not to mention trying to keep the coffee shop going in her aunt’s absence. I figured another chance would present itself, never realizing that I’d be driving away from her, with the ring in my pocket and my heart in pieces.
I wanted to blame Everly, and for a while, I did, recalling how aloof she’d become since Aunt Clare’s death… how she wouldn’t let me get close to her anymore… with one notable exception. That was the night before I left, although I didn’t dwell on it too much. It may have been spectacular, but it was the circumstance that made me feel most ashamed of having left her. Like I say, nothing came of it, though. So, I let myself focus on the fact that she’d devoted every waking hour to the coffee shop, instead. That hurt. I won’t deny it, and I let that fester, dwelling on her rejection, which was how I perceived it… until I realized it was my fault, not hers. Not just because of Helen, but because I’d issued Everly with an impossible ultimatum. That was stupid of me, but I hadn’t explained myself, either. I hadn’t told her how it felt… not just her perceived rejection, but the rest of it, too. I hadn’t even clarified why I’d started the conversation in the first place. Not properly. The problem was, I’d allowed too much time to pass, wallowing in self-pity, and the longer I left it, the harder it was to think about going back.
I have to, though, don’t I?
If I want another chance – which I do, more than anything – then I need to swallow my pride, accept I fucked up, and go back to Hart’s Creek.
I don’t know whether Everly will be willing to listen, let alone forgive me, but like Aiden said… what’s the worst that can happen?