Chapter Six
Seth
I don’t feel like going back to the hotel, and instead of turning left out of the coffee shop, I turn right.
If I go back to the hotel, all I’ll do is kick my heels in my room, and blame myself for how badly that went. Okay, so it wasn’t a disaster. It wasn’t the worst case scenario. She didn’t yell at me and throw me out. But it wasn’t a roaring success, either.
And that was entirely my fault.
I didn’t mean to lead with a jealous accusation. I screwed up, just like I did twelve months ago, when I made it all about my need to spend more time with her, rather than my desire to help her through her grief. This time around, I had so many chances to back out of it while I was questioning her about who Owen was, and what he meant to her. Did I take any of them? No. I kept going until, in the end, she lost it with me. She didn’t yell. She whispered, but there was no mistaking how mad she was.
And she was right to be.
Because I should have led with an apology, and while I got that out there in the end, it fell kinda flat. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to hear what I had to say. She listened, and she asked questions, so she didn’t dismiss my regrets out of hand. No, the problem was that when she paled, for some reason which I still don’t understand, I quizzed her about Owen again. I wanted to know if I’d left it too late, and even though she reassured me her change of mood was nothing to do with him, I couldn’t leave it there. I couldn’t accept that there was nothing going on between them. And just to make things even worse, when she told me she wasn’t free tonight, I had to ask if she was seeing him. Naturally, I regretted it the moment the words left my lips… although nowhere near as much as I regretted her reply. She told me she wasn’t mine anymore, and that hurt… more than I’ll ever be able to tell her.
She is mine. She’s always been mine since the moment we first met. I knew that, but I wanted her to admit it. As far as I’m concerned, it’s always gonna be that way, although whether she agrees about that, I can’t be sure. She didn’t deny her feelings out loud, but there was a hint of doubt in her eyes and a look of distrust. I hated seeing that and knowing it was aimed at me.
I couldn’t blame her for it. I’d earned it when I left her… and I knew I’d have to work hard to win her back.
I guess I should just be grateful that she’s agreed to see me again… even if I have got to wait until tomorrow afternoon. What I’ll do with myself between now and then is anyone’s guess, although I suppose I could kill a few hours and go for a drink at Dawson’s bar.
Everly and I used to go there every so often, and I know Dawson is a quiet guy… bordering on miserable. He rarely speaks, unless he absolutely has to, so I know he won’t ask too many questions, and that’s just what I need right now.
I make my way along Main Street, past the beauty salon and the bookstore, and come to an abrupt halt, gazing at what used to be Dawson’s bar. The building itself is still there, and it looks exactly the same, except for the sign. It’s called MD’s now, and I stand, staring, and wondering what can have happened to Dawson.
He was always a fixture here, like Tanner in the bookstore, Nate at the Hart’s Creek Courier, and Brady, the sheriff. The idea of him leaving is unthinkable… but maybe the reminders of his broken marriage got too much for him. Maybe he couldn’t handle life here without Stevie. I can empathize with that. If Everly had left me, I’d never have been able to stay. Not that I really belong here. This is her home, not mine… although I’d like to make it mine, if she’ll let me.
There’s a chance she won’t, though. After our conversation just now, I’d say there’s more than a chance. Let’s face it, I still don’t know for sure if she’s seeing someone else, do I? She didn’t really answer me, even though I asked her several times, and that means I’m gonna have to find another way of phrasing the question. Because I need to know.
The thought of Everly with another man is enough to put me off going inside the bar… just in case I meet someone I know, and they choose that moment to tell me all about her life with ‘him’… whoever he might be. I couldn’t face that. At least if I have to hear about it, I’d rather the words came from Everly.
And that means waiting until tomorrow.
In which case, I may as well go back to the hotel and find something to do.
I turn, retracing my steps, speeding up when I get to the coffee shop, just in case Everly sees me and thinks I’m gonna stop and ‘interrogate’ her again. That felt like an overstatement, but I guess, in her eyes, that was how it felt, and I regret that… like a lot of other things I’ve said and done.
“Seth?”
I look up, coming face-to-face with Nate Newton. He’s just exiting the offices of the Hart’s Creek Courier, and I stop, unable to avoid him.
“Hey, Nate. How are you?”
“I’m good, thanks. I didn’t realize you were back.”
“I’m not sure I am. Not yet.”
He tilts his head in the direction of the coffee shop next door. “Is this a flying visit, then?”
“I don’t know that either.”
“But you’ve seen Everly?”
I nod my head. “That’s why I’m so unsure about everything. My future is in her hands.”
“I see,” he says, although he probably doesn’t, and I’m saved from the trouble of explaining when the door opens behind him, and Taylor steps out. When I left, she was still Nate’s fiancée, but they were due to get married the following month. Everly and I were invited, but obviously I didn’t go. Whether she did or not, I have no idea. Either way, it looks like things went to plan… in more ways than one, judging from the ring on his finger, and that Taylor is pregnant. Very pregnant. I’m no expert in these things, but I’d say she’s not far away from giving birth, and I glance at Nate again, who’s grinning in a way I imagine most men would, when they’re about to become a father.
“It looks like congratulations are in order,” I say and he nods his head, putting his arm around his wife, who leans in to him.
“We’ve only got ten days to go,” he says.
“And they can’t go fast enough.” Taylor rolls her eyes, resting her head on his shoulder.
“Should you be working?” I ask, and she frowns.
“I wasn’t.”
“No. I was,” Nate says, letting out a sigh. “Taylor’s replacement screwed up on an article he wrote for me yesterday. I didn’t realize how bad it was until I was about to leave for the day, and I had the choice of either staying late, or coming in today and fixing it. I was desperate to get home to Taylor last night, so I came in this morning, and Taylor came with me because she didn’t wanna stay home by herself.”
“Of course… you don’t live above the shop anymore, do you? You had a new house built.”
“Yeah. We’ve been in it for nearly ten months now. It’s weird living outside of town, but we’re getting used to it.”
“And at least you’ve got Laurel as a neighbor.”
His brow furrows. “So you hadn’t heard about her and Brady?”
“What about them?”
“They got married in December. They’re living in Cedar Street now.”
“Wow… so much has changed. Speaking of which, what happened to Dawson? When did he leave?”
“He didn’t,” Nate says. “He’s still here.”
“Then why did he change the name of the bar?” I ask, even more confused now.
“Because he met someone. Her name’s Macy.” He tips his head to one side, looking puzzled. “Did you ever know Bernice Wilkes? She lives…”
“I knew her,” I say, saving him the trouble of explaining. “She was the piano teacher.”
“Exactly,” he says. “Well, Macy is her niece. She moved here last winter and started working for Peony… and then for Dawson, too. Before we knew it, she’d moved in with him, and then the next thing I heard was he’d signed over half the bar to her, which became more obvious to everyone in the town when he changed its name. It’s a combination of their initials.”
“Dawson? Dawson Pine did all that?”
“Yeah,” he says, smiling. “I know it sounds unusually romantic, but he wasn’t always morose.”
“No. I remember what he was like before Stevie left.”
“Exactly.”
“Even so, I don’t recall him being that tender-hearted over Stevie.”
“He wasn’t,” Nate says, turning his attention to Taylor again. “But I guess some of us only get it right the second time around.”
I nod my head, remembering that he was married before, too, although I don’t know many of the details, and now doesn’t seem like the time to bring them up.
“So, this is what happens when I turn my back for five minutes?” I say.
“Five minutes?” he says, sounding a little incredulous. “It’s closer to a year, Seth.”
“Yeah, I know. I was being rhetorical.”
“Maybe you were, but does Everly see it that way?” He strokes his hand over Taylor’s bump. “I mean… a lot can happen in a year.”
“Clearly.”
He opens his mouth, but then closes it again, pulling Taylor even closer. “We’d better be getting home,” he says, and while I’m sure that wasn’t what he meant to say, I can see that Taylor’s tired. And who can blame her?
“It was good to see you both,” I say, and he nods his head.
“You, too. And I hope you work things out.”
I give him a smile and he leads Taylor to his car, helping her in, and then waves to me before he climbs in beside her. I don’t wait for them to drive away, but continue my walk back to the hotel, wondering what else I’ve missed out on while I’ve been away…
I surprised myself by waking late this morning… although I suppose the bigger surprise was that I slept at all. After an evening watching movies – or pretending to – while doing my best not to think about who Everly might be ‘busy’ with, I fell into bed at just after midnight, hoping sleep would claim me. It didn’t, and I stared at the ceiling for ages, missing her. I guess that was only to be expected. After all, I’ve missed every night for the last year. The thing is, it was more intense last night. That was partly because I’m back here, I think… back where it all started. But it was also because I’d seen her. I’d spoken to her and touched her… and I wanted to do so much more.
The four walls of my room were feeling like a prison, so I came down to the dining room for breakfast, choosing a mushroom omelet, with a side of home fries, and a pot of fresh coffee. I ate in my room last night, unwilling to face anyone, or – worse still – risk bumping into Everly and whoever she was ‘busy’ with.
Now I’ve finished both the omelet and the coffee, I can’t bear the thought of going back upstairs and staring into space for a few hours. Neither do I feel like going for a walk by myself. I came here to talk to Everly, and although I know we arranged to meet later this afternoon, I can’t see that it will do any harm for me to go to the coffee shop now. I get that she’ll be working, but I can sit there just as easily as I can sit here. The coffee will be better, and so will the view.
And who knows? Maybe I’ll be able to persuade her to have lunch with me?
It’s a possibility, and if she says yes, then we’ll have a couple of hours longer to talk.
The decision made, I leave the hotel, walking through the parking lot, wondering how to handle this. Obviously, Everly won’t be expecting to see me, so I need to make sure she doesn’t feel crowded or pressured, while also getting across that I’m serious about this… and that I want her back.
That shouldn’t be too hard at all…
I stride out onto Main Street, words rolling around my head, none of them making much sense, because I can’t work out which order to say them in… whether to start with an explanation of why I’ve come to see her earlier than expected, or to lead with how things felt back then, or maybe even what we can do about it now. I’m mulling over the pros and cons of each approach when I look up and stop in my tracks. Everly is standing by the bookstore. She’s got her back to me and is looking down at something, but I still know it’s her. I’d know her anywhere, and I have to smile. Even from the back, she’s beautiful, her jeans clinging to her legs and ass.
It’s unusual to see her anywhere other than at the coffee shop at this time of day, but I suppose she’s got Owen to help her now, so she probably has more free time.
I wish she’d been willing to get more help when we were still together. It was the thing we ended up fighting about on the day I left, and although it wasn’t everything that was wrong with our relationship, having someone who could take over from her in the coffee shop would have been helpful. Whether I’d have liked her employing someone like Owen is another matter, and I clench my fists, trying to forget how handsome he is, and the way he rushed to her aid yesterday, when she dropped that cup.
I take a couple of steps forward, still wondering what to say to her, and whether I should sneak up behind her, or announce myself from a distance, just as she turns, and I stop dead again, my heart joining my feet in their refusal to function.
She may be right at the other end of Main Street, but I know what I’m seeing, even though I’m struggling to believe it. She’s carrying a baby, strapped to her front in one of those baby carrier things, and my mouth drops open, confusion washing through me, as she brushes her hand over the back of the infant’s head. It’s an intimate thing to do. Too intimate if the baby isn’t hers, which is confirmed when she looks up, her eyes meeting mine, and her face paling to a grayish-white.
Neither of us moves an inch. We just stare at each other for what feels like hours. It isn’t. It’s probably not even minutes, and eventually a couple of people walk past, barging into me, and they turn to apologize, dragging me out of my trance.
Standing here won’t get me anywhere. It certainly won’t answer the very necessary questions I need to ask, and I put one foot in front of the other, making my way slowly toward her. She does the same, meeting me between the beauty salon and Cooper White’s dental clinic.
I gaze into her eyes for a moment, hoping she’ll say something. She seems reluctant to speak, though, and I let my eyes drop to the beautiful baby she’s carrying.
“What’s going on?” I say, surprised when her only reply is to shake her head. “Tell me, Everly.” I nod toward the baby as I speak and Everly takes a deep breath.
“This is River,” she whispers. “And I’ve only just managed to get her off to sleep.”
“Okay.” I lower my voice. “That’s a beautiful name.” It is. I’m not just saying that. I like it. A lot. “How old is she?” I ask. It feels important… for all kinds of reasons.
“Three months.”
I’m in absolute turmoil here and feel like asking if she could be more precise. A birth date might be useful, and although it doesn’t feel right to actually say that, I have to ask, “Does that mean she was born in December?”
“Yes.”
I quickly count backwards, getting confused and starting again. “That means she was conceived…?”
Everly holds up her hand, letting the other rest on the baby’s back. “I’ll save you the trouble of working it out. She’s yours, Seth. It’s not as though I was gonna sleep with anyone else.”
That’s good to know, but I still can’t get my head around this. How can it be? I have a daughter…
I don’t know what to do, or how to absorb the news. My mind’s a blank, and I push my fingers back through my hair, trying to take it in. That doesn’t work, though. My mouth is dry, my skin tingling, and I do everything I can to control my voice as I step closer to Everly, careful not to crush our baby girl.
“You didn’t think to tell me?” I say, noting the way her breath hitches in her throat.
“Don’t you dare judge me. You’re the one who left. Remember? You’re the one who stayed away.”
“I know. But when I didn’t hear from you, I assumed…” I stop talking, shaking my head. “No. You’re right. I should have come back.”
I should have done something to check up on her… to find out how she was. It was my responsibility… and I failed.
I let out a sigh, thinking back to my meeting with Nate and Taylor yesterday afternoon and how he placed his hand over Taylor’s bump. If I’d been here, I could have done that. I could have done a lot of other things, too… like being there when Everly found out she was pregnant, helping her through River’s birth, and all those little moments in between. Not to mention everything that’s followed.
And that’s not all. Because I’ve just realized what Nate meant when he said a lot can happen in a year. He wasn’t talking about him and Taylor. He was talking about my absence and Everly… and our daughter, about whom I knew nothing, even though he clearly did.
“Can I assume everyone in town knows about River?” I ask.
“Of course they do,” Everly says, sounding exasperated. “I don’t keep her in a closet.”
“And do they know she’s mine? Do they think I walked out on you, knowing you were pregnant?”
“I’ve got no idea what people think.”
“You must have some idea.”
“It’s not my biggest priority, Seth, but I suppose some people have probably assumed that.”
“And you’ve never denied it? You’ve never told the truth about what happened?”
She moves closer, her eyes sparking with anger.
“It’s not my job to fuel the gossips.”
“No. It’s evidently your job to make me look like the worst kind of asshole there is… like a man no better than my father.” My voice cracks as I think about all those nights I’ve sat in my apartment over the last twelve months, comparing myself to my father, and how right I was. Everly reaches out, the touch of her hand on my arm making me gasp.
“No,” she says. “No, Seth. That’s not…”
“Not what? Not right? It’s sounds pretty damn right to me. My dad walked out on my mom, leaving her to raise me alone, and I did the same to you… to both of you.” I glance down at River as I speak, barely in control.
“Yeah, but you didn’t know I was pregnant. Neither did I.”
“And you think that makes a difference? You think that makes it okay?” She opens her mouth to speak, but I hold up my hand and she closes it again. I can’t think what to say to her, though. I’m a confused mess of hurt and self-loathing, and before I say something I know I’ll regret, I turn around and stride back toward the hotel.
My head is spinning. I’m torn between anger, confusion, and remorse.
Right now, confusion is winning, although anger is coming a real close second.
How could Everly have done this to me? I get that I left her, and I hate myself more than ever for doing so. I even understand that I should have made more of an effort to come back, rather than leaving it to her. But do my mistakes give her the right to keep my daughter from me… both before and after her birth? It’s not like I was un-contactable. I haven’t changed my number, and she could have called or texted anytime. Did she hate me that much? And if she did, is there any hope for us now?
“Do you want there to be?” I mutter under my breath.
Of course I do.
There’s nothing I want more.
“Fuck,” I whisper, knowing I should never have walked away… then, or now.
If I’d stayed back then, she’d never have been in this position, would she? I’d have been there when she took the pregnancy test. I’d have taken her in my arms and told her everything would be okay, even though it wasn’t planned… because it wasn’t. Things may not have been right between us, but we’d have worked it out. We could have laughed, and talked our way through it. I know we could. Then I’d have held her hand through every appointment, every scan, every moment of morning sickness. I’d have been there when our daughter entered the world, and I have no doubt I would have cried my eyes out.
They’re stinging now, just thinking about it… about all the things I’ve missed. But that’s my fault, not hers. I screwed up by leaving her, and by staying away. And I screwed up again just now, by putting too much emphasis on myself, and what other people think, rather than how Everly felt, and what she must have gone through, all by herself.
She could have called you…
The voice echoes around my head, but I block it out.
Why should she? Why should she have called? I could have called her. I know I had my reasons not to at the time, but now they just feel like excuses. Besides, I’d given her no cause to trust me… and this is all about trust. It’s not about hate, or even love. Not really. It’s about her not trusting me enough to tell me… and that’s a very sobering thought. It’s sobering enough to make me stop walking, halfway across the hotel parking lot.
I’ve always prided myself on being a better man than my father, but I’m not, am I?
I’m exactly the same.
What’s worse is that, having got it all wrong a second time, I’m not sure she’ll ever be able to forgive me – let alone trust me – ever again.
What am I going to say to her? Where do I even start?
I glance around, maybe hoping for inspiration, and I realize I’m standing in exactly the same spot as I did on the night I first kissed Everly. Does that mean something? Is it a sign? Probably not, and I stare down at the ground for a moment, just as I hear someone call my name. It’s a woman, but I know it’s not Everly, and I glance up, letting out a groan as I see Helen Rogers, standing at the top of the hotel steps.
She’s with two other women, and she’s smiling straight at me. Her friends glance in my direction too, before Helen says something to them, and they smile, watching her as she heads down the steps and makes straight for me.
It would be rude – not to mention childish – to turn away, and I can hardly duck around her and go into the hotel. So, I stand my ground, hoping she’s just going to say hello and leave.
“Seth,” she says, repeating my name as she comes to a stop right in front of me.
She hasn’t changed a bit, although I think her hair might be a little shorter. She’s wearing a plain blue dress, which hugs every contour of her body, and as I suck in a breath, she moves closer still. I never used to feel this uncomfortable around her. In fact, I used to like the fact that she was so attentive, and that she wanted to spend so much time with me. It was just what I needed at the time… when I was being a child, and was too busy focusing on what was wrong between Everly and me, rather than concentrating on how to make it right again.
“How are you?” I ask, to be polite, although I take a step back, bumping straight into the car behind me. I’m trapped, and I don’t like it. This feels nothing like it used to, although Helen doesn’t seem to notice and sidles closer, looking up into my eyes.
“I’m a lot better now you’re here,” she says, licking her lips in a slow, seductive move. “I didn’t know you were back.”
She brushes her hand up and down my arm, and I lean away from her as far as the car will allow.
“Yeah, I am.”
Wild horses couldn’t drag me away from Hart’s Creek now. Everly and I have a daughter. We’re a family, so I’m back, and I’m not going anywhere…
“We’ll have to get together,” she whispers, tilting her head. “I’m free tonight, if you…”
“I’m not available.”
“There’s always tomorrow.”
“No. I mean, I’m not available. Period. I never was.”
She steps away, confusion written all over her face. I can’t blame her for that. If I’d shut her down in the first place, she’d never have been in any doubt. I’m about to explain that when she glances over my shoulder, her eyes widening slightly, and I turn to see what’s caught her attention, my heart stopping for the umpteenth time this weekend, when I see Everly standing on the corner, by the gym.
She must have followed me, but as our eyes lock, she places a hand on River’s back and then turns and walks away, her head bent.
Shit …
I don’t say a word to Helen… not even to apologize for pushing her out of the way as I spin around and sprint straight after Everly. As I round the corner, she’s already by the front door of the Hart’s Creek Courier, and I up my pace, reaching her before she gets to the coffee shop. I run around in front of her, forcing her to stop, although I can’t fail to notice the tears in her eyes, guilt stabbing at my heart, because I know I put them there.
“I’m sorry, babe,” I whisper, and she glares at me. I know why, too. It’s because I called her ‘babe’, and I get ready to be told I can’t do that… I don’t have the right.
“It’s happening again, isn’t it?” she says, surprising me. “You’ve been back for less than a day and you’re already flirting with Helen… and right on the spot where we had our first kiss. How could you?”
“I wasn’t flirting. I just stopped there when Helen came out of the hotel and walked straight over to me.”
“What did she want?” Everly asks, still blinking back her tears.
“She mentioned something about getting together later, but I told her I’m not available… and that I never was. And I get that I should have told her that before. I’m just sorry I didn’t.” She lets out a deep sigh. “Please, Everly… please understand, I don’t care about Helen. I never did. All I care about is you… both of you.” I glance down at River, longing to touch my daughter, although I don’t. It feels like I need permission from her mom, and I don’t have it yet. When I look back up at Everly, I’m surprised to see her eyes have misted over slightly, although I’m not sure how to interpret that. Is she pleased or disappointed? Either way, there’s something else I need to say. “I’m sorry I walked away just now. I shouldn’t have done that.”
“You shouldn’t have left me in the first place,” she says, shaking her head, revealing the depth of her pain as a lone tear falls onto her cheek. I reach out and brush it away with my thumb, making her breath hitch in her throat, and I take advantage of that moment and leave my hand cupped around her cheek.
“I know. That’s what I was trying to say yesterday, only you didn’t wanna talk then.”
She pulls back, my hand falling to my side, and I realize I shouldn’t have said that. “Do you blame me?”
“No. You weren’t expecting to see me. It’s understandable that you’d be shocked… that you’d need time.”
She shakes her head, confusing me, and then she steps a little closer, which feels good.
“It wasn’t that,” she whispers. “It was the fact that I knew River was asleep out back, and I was scared how you’d react if you found out about her.”
“Scared?” I don’t like the sound of that.
“Okay, maybe not scared so much as worried.” That’s not a lot better.
“What did you think I’d do?”
“I don’t know… get mad at me for not telling you and then leave?” she says, and I shake my head, knowing that’s exactly what I did.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, looking down at our daughter. She’s fast asleep, her head on Everly’s chest, and she has the cutest little nose, her lips in a slight pout that makes me smile. God… she’s adorable.
“I’ve been awake all night trying to think of the right way to tell you,” Everly says, and I look up at her again.
“There is no right way.”
She frowns. “Stop it. How can we hope to work this out if you keep blaming me?”
Work this out? Does that mean she’s willing to give me another chance? Or am I reading too much into a few simple words? She might just mean that we’ll need to work out how we’re gonna co-parent, while living separate lives, in separate towns… although I hope not, because that’s not what I want at all.
“I’m not blaming you. Honestly. This is all on me. If I hadn’t walked out on you last year, you wouldn’t be in this position. If I hadn’t been too arrogant to call you, you wouldn’t be searching for the right way to tell me something I should have been here to find out about first-hand. That’s what I’m most sorry about, Everly. That’s what I need you to forgive me for. Do you think you can do that? Because if you can, I really think we stand a chance of being happy again… always assuming you can forgive me for all the other things I got wrong.”