Chapter Seven
Everly
I can’t answer him… not with the memory so fresh in my mind of Helen standing far too close to him, her hand on his arm. Even if he apologized and called me ‘babe’ while he was doing so, it brought everything back… reminding me how he used to love the attention she gave him, and how he defended his actions before he left me. As far as I was concerned, they were indefensible. He’d allowed another woman into our relationship, and regardless of how innocent he claimed their friendship was, she was a distraction… and one that he enjoyed.
Forgiving him for that is going to be hard.
Harder than forgiving him for leaving me?
It’s difficult to say. To me, they’re inextricably linked. He might have made his departure about my supposed lack of attentiveness, but in my mind, it was always about Helen.
As for what he did just now?
That’s something different.
I’ll admit, when he first turned and walked away, part of me thought he was putting himself first, just like he did before. He was only seeing things from his perspective, worrying about what everyone else might think about him, and the timing of his departure. But then I realized how much of a shock it must have been for him to discover he had a baby daughter. It must have been even more of a shock for him than I got when he walked through the door of the coffee shop yesterday afternoon… and he’s prepared to make allowances for that, and for me not wanting to talk to him yesterday, even if he misunderstood why.
For myself, I was thrilled to see him. I know that now. But I was scared about his reaction to River… scared he’d be too mad to listen, worried he’d leave me again when he found out I’d lied to him and kept her from him. That was what made it so hard to work out how to tell him, and I wasn’t kidding when I said I’d had a sleepless night… although it wasn’t all spent thinking of ways to tell Seth he was a father. River woke me at just after one, and was grizzly, refusing to settle properly until nearly three-thirty. We haven’t had a night like that for ages, but it was as though she knew something was wrong. Which it was. Her mommy was confused… undecided… lost.
When I came downstairs this morning and found Owen waiting for me outside the coffee shop, he took one look at me and said, “What happened?”
“The predicted lack of sleep,” I murmured, opening the front door to let us both in.
“Did you close your eyes at all?”
“Not really.”
“In that case, I suggest you take a break later. You could go for a walk with River and get some fresh air.”
“And what about this place?” I said, looking around at the empty coffee shop.
“I’ll manage.”
In the end, I survived until ten-thirty, at which point Owen practically pushed me out the door. River wasn’t settling well, and I thought it might do us both good to get out. My mind was still full of how I was going to break the news to Seth, and I was grateful to escape. I had a few hours until our planned meeting, but I hadn’t reached any decisions, other than knowing I wanted to talk to him in the privacy of my apartment, and that I wanted River to be there with us. I thought he might take it better if he could see her… although it didn’t work out that way in the end. None of it worked out. We weren’t in my apartment, and I wasn’t able to tell him as kindly as I’d hoped. Because I wanted to be kind.
That was why I went after him… because even if he was the one who’d stormed off, it wasn’t entirely his fault. He hadn’t been expecting to hear something like that, and I owed him some compassion.
It was more than that, though. I had to follow him, simply because he’d been comparing himself to his father. I’d always known his feelings for his dad were entirely negative, but in my mind, there was no comparison. Seth hadn’t abandoned me and River… not in the way his father had abandoned him and his mom. Our situation was completely different, and I hated the idea that he could have been thinking so badly of himself.
The problem was, the moment I turned the corner by the gym, I saw him and Helen. She was gazing up at him, just like she used to, and my stomach lurched. It felt like history was repeating itself, and even though he swears it isn’t, I can’t help the memories from flooding back and the fear from clutching at my heart.
Seth coughs, breaking into my thoughts, and I look up at him, seeing a mixture of hope and sadness in his eyes. He’s waiting for an answer, but forgiveness is a big deal, and there are things we need to work out and things I need to understand before I can get there.
“If you can’t forgive me yet,” he says, “can we at least spend some time together? I’d like to hear about what happened, and get to know my daughter a little, if that’s okay with you?”
I like that he’s asking, and not taking anything for granted, and I nod my head, because I want him to get to know River. To be honest, I want a lot more than that. Despite my doubts, despite my fears, I’d like a chance at that happiness he was talking about. In the meantime, though, it’s only fair to let him spend some time with his daughter while we navigate our way through things. Considering how much he’s already missed out on, it’s the least I can do.
“Do you need to go back to work?” he asks, and I look up at him. “I can wait until you close the shop, or I can…”
“I don’t have to go back,” I say, noting the slight smile that forms on his lips. “Why? What did you have in mind?”
“I was thinking we could take a walk down by the creek.”
“Okay. But I can’t be out for too long. River will need feeding soon, and I don’t have anything with me.”
“Who’s minding the coffee shop?” he asks.
“Owen.”
His eyes narrow slightly, the smile dropping, and I can tell he’s busting to ask about the connection between us… again. I was so angry with him yesterday for jumping to conclusions, and for the way he questioned me about Owen, rather than talking about us, and what happened. It felt like the only thing he cared about was what I was doing, and who I was doing it with… not what he’d done, or how he’d brought us to where we were.
To where we are…
“Shall we go?” he says.
I nod my head and for a moment we just stare at each other until he takes my hand in his. Despite everything that’s happened, it feels good to have a connection between us, and I let him lead me along Main Street, away from the hotel. This isn’t the quickest way to get to the creek, and he knows it. That would be to go back the way he’s just come, and cut through behind the gym. But I guess he’s maybe worried that Helen might still be outside the hotel, waiting for him. I’ll admit, I’m a little concerned about that myself, but I refuse to let her presence spoil everything today.
The creek is flowing quickly and as we approach it, River stirs against me, the noise disturbing her slightly.
“Is she okay?” Seth asks, glancing down at her.
“She’s fine. She’ll settle in a minute.”
“How do you know?”
“Instinct, I suppose.”
He nods his head, his eyes still focused on River as she nestles her head against me again, her lips pouted, which seems to make him smile.
“What was it like being pregnant?” he asks, surprising me.
“It was okay. Bits of it were uncomfortable… and bits of it were just plain weird, like feeling her kick inside me. That was odd, although it was kinda comforting at the same time. On the whole, though, I enjoyed it.”
“Even the morning sickness?” he asks, smiling, as he helps me over a rough patch of ground.
“I didn’t have any. I thought I would, when I started feeling nauseous about six or seven weeks in, but that’s all it ever was… just a touch of nausea, which usually seemed to happen in the evenings, not the mornings.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. To be honest, I put it down to how tired I was, and I was grateful I wasn’t being sick all the time, or even feeling sick, because I think I’d have struggled to work in the coffee shop all day long, being around all those smells, and looking at food, if I’d been feeling as sick as some women do.”
“So you kept working all the way through? Right to the end of your pregnancy?” he asks, gripping my hand a little tighter.
“I didn’t have a choice.”
“You could have called me.” He sounds offended that I didn’t and I turn to face him, although we keep walking.
“At the risk of sounding childish, you could have called me.”
“I didn’t know you were pregnant,” he says.
“You knew there was a chance.”
He sucks in a breath, nodding his head. “I did… but I convinced myself you’d call if there were consequences to what we’d done. Why didn’t you?”
“I was mad at you, Seth.”
“The entire time?”
“Okay… maybe I wasn’t as mad at you as I had been at the beginning, but I still didn’t want to call you.”
“Why not?” he says, still sounding unsure of himself and my reasoning.
“Because I didn’t want you to come back just because I was pregnant. I knew you would, if I told you, and I wanted it to be about more than that.”
He lets out a long sigh, shaking his head. “I can understand that,” he says. “And I’m sorry you didn’t feel you could trust me enough to come back just for you… because I would have done.”
I wish I could believe that, but it’s hard to know what would have happened, or how it would have felt. It’s hard to understand how it feels now, and I’m not pregnant anymore.
We walk on; the trees shading us from the spring sunshine, and after a while I stop and ask if he’ll help me remove my jacket.
He takes it off, and I straighten my blouse, trying not to disturb River, and then hold out my hand to take my jacket from him, although he shakes his head, folding it over his arm and linking our hands again, as we continue on our walk.
“What was the birth like?” he asks, making it clear he wants to know more. It’s only fair, I guess, and I decide to be honest.
“It was painful.” There’s no point in pretending it wasn’t. It was absolutely excruciating. “I went into labor in the middle of the night,” I add and he nods his head, looking down at me, his eyes filled with regret.
“What did you do?”
“The only thing I could. I called for an ambulance to take me to the hospital.”
“Did anyone go with you?”
“No.”
I want to ask him who he thinks I’d have wanted to be there – other than him – but I can see he already feels bad enough, which he proves by muttering, “Sorry,” his head bowed.
“I’d heard horror stories about labor dragging on for hours,” I say, sticking to the story, rather than how we both feel about it.
“And did it?” he asks.
“No. River did me a favor and arrived about three hours after we got to the hospital. I’m not gonna say it was the easiest thing I’ve ever done, but I know it could have been a lot worse.”
“What day was this?” he says, tilting his head. “I mean, when’s her birthday?”
“December twenty-second.”
“So, right before Christmas?”
“Yeah. Luckily, I’d employed Owen when I was about three months pregnant. I may not have suffered from morning sickness, but I found the fatigue pretty hard to handle. Anyway, when I called him the morning after River was born to let him know what had happened, he just took over. He opened the coffee shop, and ran it single-handed right through to the second week in January, when I felt able to get back to work.”
“That was kind of him,” he says, and then he stops walking, pulling me back with him, and turns me to face him, his eyes locking onto mine. “It’s no good,” he says. “I’ve gotta know. Is there anything going on between the two of you? Don’t get mad at me again. I know it’s none of my business what you do, or who you do it with, but…”
“There’s nothing going on, Seth,” I say, interrupting his flow.
“Would you like there to be?” he asks, fear lacing his voice. “He clearly thinks a lot of you, and he’s a good-looking guy. Is that why you employed him? Because you liked him? Only, Aunt Clare always employed women… women with a history, who needed some kind of sanctuary, and I don’t see how Owen fits in with that, unless…”
“Stop seeing things that aren’t there,” I say, shaking my head. “Owen fits exactly with everything Aunt Clare believed in…”
“Other than the fact that he’s a man,” he says, frowning at me.
“Believe it or not, I’d noticed. I just chose not to discriminate.”
“Okay. But you didn’t answer my question. Would you like there to be something between you?”
“No.”
“Would he?” I smile, unable to stop myself and he frowns. “What’s funny?” he asks. “You’re beautiful, Everly. Owen would be crazy not to want you.”
“Maybe… if he wasn’t already married.”
“He’s married?” I can see the surprise on his face. It’s coupled with relief, and that makes me lean in to him a little.
“Yes. To a guy called Tomas. They’ve been together for two years and married for the last six months. Tomas works as a doctor at the hospital in Concord, and they live in Willmont Vale.” I stop talking for a second and then add, “As for the rest of his story, that’s not mine to tell.”
“Okay. But would you mind telling me what you were busy with last night?”
“River. Just River.”
“So, when I asked you yesterday if there was something, or someone else, why didn’t you just say ‘no’?”
“Because there was someone else. River.”
“You knew that wasn’t what I meant.”
“Maybe. But I didn’t like the way you came into the coffee shop and started questioning me.”
He shakes his head. “I know. It was just that I’d seen Owen rush over to help you with the cups when you dropped one. He seemed… solicitous.”
“He is. Owen’s a nice guy.” Seth nods, and we start walking again, River letting out a slight whimper, although she still doesn’t wake. “I think that’s the first time I’ve ever known you to be jealous,” I say, and he nods his head.
“It’s not a comfortable feeling, I can tell you.”
“I’m aware of that.”
“How?” he says, sounding surprised. “When were you ever jealous?”
How can he not know this? “When Helen used to flirt with you. I hated that so much, Seth. I hated the way you made me doubt you.”
“I never did anything with her. You know that, don’t you?”
“You let her touch you. You let her flirt with you.”
“I know, but it never went beyond that.”
“And you think that’s okay?” I say, raising my voice just a little. “You didn’t like Owen helping me when I was struggling with the cups, but how do you think it felt watching Helen paw you all the time… and watching you let her do it?”
“I should never have allowed it to happen,” he says, shaking his head and looking remorseful. “If I could turn back the clock…”
“You can’t.” I cut him off. “Any more than you can expect me to un-see it all… to un-think it all.”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I ever let her anywhere near me.”
We fall into silence, our steps being the only thing in unison as we trudge along the path. I wanted him to know how it had felt, but I’m not sure my revelations have helped. Saying sorry all the time doesn’t help us move forward. It doesn’t help us understand, either. To do that, we need to talk, but the question is, what should we talk about?
We used to be able to say anything to each other, right from that very first cup of coffee, and now I can’t think of a single thing. Perhaps that’s because our year apart has left us with too many blanks… blanks which need filling.
“What have you been doing for the last twelve months?” I ask, looking up at him again.
He turns to face me. “Working,” he says.
“For Aiden still?”
“Yeah. I—I moved in with him and Jordan after I left here…” I notice he doesn’t say he left me, but left the town, and maybe that’s for the best. It’s less personal.
“How did that go? Jordan had just found out she was pregnant, hadn’t she?”
I remember Seth coming home and telling me a week or so before he left.
“Yeah, although I think they’d known for a while. They just hadn’t made it public until then. She was about three months pregnant when I arrived on their doorstep. That’s why I asked about the morning sickness. Jordan’s was horrendous. She was just about coping with Poppy and Grace, but I could see it was a struggle, and once I’d witnessed it first-hand, I persuaded Aiden to come into the office later in the mornings, so he could stay behind and help with getting the girls up and dressed, and making sure Jordan was okay. To be honest, I don’t know why he hadn’t done that sooner… except he’s always thought the place can’t function without him.”
“Like me, you mean?” I say.
“No.” He shakes his head. “The circumstances were very different. He had a choice.”
“And I didn’t?”
He thinks for a moment. “You did, but his was easier.”
At least he’s acknowledged how hard it was for me back then, so soon after Aunt Clare’s death. That feels like a breakthrough in the understanding part of all this.
“How long did you stay with Aiden?” I ask, keeping us on track.
“Not long. I’d only been there a couple of days when one of Aiden’s clients mentioned he was looking to rent out an apartment he owned. I went to see it that night and moved in the following weekend.”
I take a breath, wondering how to ask my next question without it sounding as though I’m interrogating him, like he did me.
“Have you… have you been seeing anyone?” I ask, my voice fading to a whisper.
“No. One of the women at work asked me to have dinner with her, but I declined.”
“Did that make things awkward for you at the office?”
“Not really. She worked in accounts, so our paths rarely crossed, and in any case, she left the company not long afterwards.”
“And you haven’t tried again? With someone else, I mean?”
“I didn’t try with her, Everly. Why would I? I don’t want anyone else. I just want you.” He moves closer, gently brushing his hand over River’s head. “I want both of you.”
Part of me wishes he hadn’t said that, and that he could have kept it about us, but I can’t complain. He’s River’s father, after all.
The touch of his hand seems to disturb her and although she doesn’t open her eyes, I realize we’ve been walking for a long time.
“We should probably head back,” I say. “She’ll be awake soon, and she doesn’t like to be kept waiting for her food.”
He smiles and we turn around, heading back the way we came.
“I know it’s hard for you to trust me,” he says out of the blue. “But I want to make this work. I need to, and even if you’re not ready to forgive me yet, I’m not giving up.”