Chapter Ten
Seth
She stares up at me, blinks twice, bites on her bottom lip and then says, “Kiss me?”
That’s the most unexpected answer I’ve ever heard, and although there’s a slight hint of a question in her tone, I’m not about to turn her down.
I grab her, one hand behind her head, the other on her cheek, and I do exactly as she asked.
I kiss her.
I half expect her to feel stiff, to push me away, or break free of me, even though she asked for this… but she melts into me. A heartfelt moan greets my flickering tongue, and she lets me delve… lets me trace a path of re-discovery, as her arms come up around my neck, her body melding to mine.
Instinctively, I step closer, my feet either side of hers, and I flex my hips, letting her feel my arousal, as she sighs, and then sinks downward, like her legs won’t support her.
I remember she used to do this sometimes, when we were kissing. Her legs would give way, and depending on where we were, I’d either go with her, sliding to the floor, or I’d hold her up. Out here, I have no option, and I move my hand from the back of her head, placing my arm around her waist, while I deepen the kiss.
She sinks again, but I’m holding her now. She’s safe, her breasts heaving in to my chest as she struggles for breath, pulling back to draw air into her lungs.
“That changes nothing,” she murmurs.
“Yes, it does,” I say, pinning her to the wall with my body. “It changes everything.”
I dip my head and kiss her again, even harder. I don’t flex my hips… I grind into her, repeatedly, over and over, feeling her weight on my arm as she sighs against me, clinging to my shoulders, and I let my hand drop from her cheek to her throat, holding it there, caressing her skin with my fingers and feeling her pulse quicken.
“See?” I say, pulling back.
“I can’t…” she whispers.
“You can’t what? Breathe?”
She shakes her head. “I can’t do this again.”
“Stop saying things like that,” I say, moving my hand back up to cup her cheek, her eyes locking with mine. “It won’t be like it was before.”
She sucks in a breath. “Prove it.”
“How? What do you need me to do?”
She lowers her hands slightly, letting them rest on my biceps, focusing on them for a second before she raises her eyes to mine once more. “Like you said, Seth, you’ve got responsibilities. We both have. We can co-parent River, and I promise I’ll never stop you from seeing her, if that’s what you want.”
“You know it isn’t.”
“In that case, if you want us to have a relationship again, I need to know you mean it this time. I need to know I can trust you, and that you’re not gonna run away when the going gets tough… because it will.”
I raise my hand slightly, caressing her hair, my thumb brushing over her the side of her cheek. “Is that what you’re scared of?”
“Yes. More than anything. I’m scared we’ll get close again, and you’ll walk away…”
“It won’t happen,” I say, interrupting her. “I’m not going anywhere, babe, I promise. And I’ll prove it to you.”
“Okay, but first I need you to tell me why you left.”
There’s a defiance in her voice I’ve never heard before… a determination to know the truth, although I don’t understand her question. I thought I’d made it obvious at the time.
“Why do you think I left?” I ask, feeling intrigued by her interpretation of what happened and how it might differ from mine. There must be some difference, or she wouldn’t be asking.
“Because you wanted me to give up the coffee shop, and I wouldn’t,” she says, lowering her eyes. “And because of Helen.”
“Whoa… you thought I left because of Helen?”
“You wanted her.”
“No, I didn’t. I’ve explained this already. I made a mistake, Everly… I fucked up. But Helen was never a factor in our break-up. Not for me.” I shake my head, then move my hand slightly, so I can caress her lips with my thumb. Her breath catches and she looks up at me again, like I knew she would. “I never wanted anyone but you, and I’m sorry I didn’t shut her down. I’ll keep saying that for as long as you need me to… for as long as it takes you to understand that she meant nothing to me.”
“Then it was just about you wanting me to give up the coffee shop? That was why you left?” She frowns, like she doesn’t understand, and I have to admit, I don’t either.
“No. I never wanted you to give up the coffee shop.”
“You asked me to choose.”
“That wasn’t my idea, and I never meant to issue an ultimatum, or make it sound like I wanted you to give up anything.”
“What did you want, then?”
“You. More of you. I know that sounds selfish, but after your aunt died, you’d shut me out.”
She leans away, or tries to. She can’t go far, because there’s a wall behind her, but I get the hint and step back slightly, giving her some space. Even so, I don’t let go of her, and I notice she’s still holding onto my arms, which feels promising.
“I had a lot to think about,” she says, defensively… which isn’t so promising. “There was a lot to do.”
“I get that. I got it then, too. But the thing was, you refused to let me help, babe. You refused to acknowledge anyone else’s role in what was happening… or even that they might be grieving, too.”
She stares at me, blinking a few times before she leans closer, looking up at me. “Are you saying you were grieving?”
“Of course I was. Not as much as you, obviously, but I’d grown to love Aunt Clare like a mother, and I’d already lost one of those. Losing a second one was tough, Everly. It brought everything back, but you had to know that better than anyone. I wanted to share that time with you, so we could help each other through the grief and the hurt, but also so I could make things easier down here… carry some of the workload for you. The problem was, you wouldn’t let me. Whenever I suggested stepping in to do something, you’d find a reason not to, but if I asked you to spend time with me, you’d tell me you were too busy. I felt like I couldn’t win. It… It was kinda like today, when I offered to help with River. I wasn’t pretending to be a father. I wanted to be one. Not just for my benefit, but for yours, so you didn’t have to do everything by yourself all the time. But…”
“But I shut you out,” she says, her voice cracking. Her eyes are glistening with tears and I step closer again, so my body is hard against hers.
“Yeah, you did,” I whisper, caressing her throat again, as she swallows hard. “But I’m not blaming you.”
“You’re not?”
“No.”
“Why didn’t you tell me this at the time?” she says, licking her lips, trying to regain her composure, although it looks like a struggle. “About grieving for Aunt Clare, and how you felt?”
“Think back to how things were, Everly,” I say and I pause for a second, giving her the chance to do just that… to recall those dark days after her aunt’s death. “Would you have been willing to hear it?”
“Probably not,” she says, surprising me with her honestly. “Certainly not right at the beginning, straight after she died. Everyone else here was suffering, too. To have to bear your hurt… it would have been too much, on top of everything else.”
“I know. That’s why I kept quiet.”
“But you could have said something afterwards. There were four months between Aunt Clare’s death and you walking out.”
“I know, but you never seemed to have the time to listen.”
She frowns. “Okay, but what about that night… the night you left?”
“I was going to tell you then. I’d worked out what I wanted to say. But you started talking about Helen, and I’ll admit, I felt guilty for letting her flirt with me. I knew I shouldn’t have allowed it to happen, but I guess I didn’t think you’d noticed. You’d seemed so wrapped up in everything else.”
“Of course I’d noticed.”
I rest my forehead against hers. “I’m so sorry, Everly. Please believe me.”
“I know you are,” she says, raising her hands again, and placing them behind my neck. “Although I still don’t understand why you didn’t talk to me more on the night you left, instead of telling me you felt neglected and issuing ultimatums.”
“It wasn’t about me feeling neglected. Not really. And I didn’t mean to issue any ultimatums. It was just that, when I got around to it, everything came out wrong. I’d planned to offer my help, even if only in finding someone from outside to share the load down here, but it came across as resentment for all the hours you were putting in.”
“Yeah, it did.”
“That was wrong of me. I should have made it about us, but I made it about this place. I wasn’t asking you to choose. Honestly… I wasn’t. But the time you spent away from me seemed like a manifestation of everything that was going wrong between us.”
I lean back slightly, glancing up at the coffee shop behind her, my blood cooling and then freezing to ice when I look back down, and see her shaking her head.
“We don’t stand a chance,” she whispers, as my heart stops beating, too.
“Why not?”
“Because my life is even busier now than it used to be. I might have Owen, and obviously I’ve still got Monica and Barbra filling in the extra hours…”
“You have? I haven’t seen either of them. Didn’t Barbra used to cover Saturday lunchtimes?”
“She did.”
“And what about at breakfast this morning? I seem to recall that was her shift as well.”
“It was, but she’s on vacation until the end of the week, and Monica has never worked either weekends or Mondays.”
“Oh, no. I remember now.”
“Don’t get too used to the routine, because it’s all changing soon.”
“It is?”
“Yes. Starting next month, Barbra is going to take over my weekend shifts, working alongside Owen all day on Saturday and Sunday morning.”
“You mean you’ll have weekends off?” I say, amazed by this revelation.
“Yes, and in return for that, Barbra won’t cover Tuesdays or Wednesdays at all, and Owen will have Thursdays and Fridays off.”
“How does Tomas feel about this?”
“Absolutely fine. Owen’s been working weekends since he got here.”
“So, when do they see each other?”
She smiles at me. “Tomas has always worked weekends too, and he’ll keep on doing so. The only difference is that his days off have become more set, rather than being haphazard, and Owen wants his to be the same.”
“I see. And Monica? What’s she doing?”
She rolls her eyes. “You know Monica. She’s sticking to her routine, so she’ll cover lunchtimes, Tuesday thru Friday, just like she’s always done.”
“And you’ll be working Monday to Friday?”
“Yes, but I’ll probably get fewer breaks because there won’t be three of us during the busy times of day, only two.”
“Whose idea was this change?” I ask her and she tips her head to one side.
“Like most things around here, it was a collaborative decision, but I knew something had to give. I couldn’t keep working seven days a week. Not with a three-month-old baby.”
“I’m surprised you’ve managed it for as long as you have… but what I don’t understand is why you’re saying we don’t stand a chance.”
“Because it’s not just the coffee shop that takes up my time, it’s River, too. If you were feeling neglected before, Seth, it’s only gonna be worse now.”
I shake my head at her. “I’ve just explained… it wasn’t about me feeling neglected. It was about me feeling shut out. They’re two entirely different things.”
“I know. I probably phrased that badly, but the point stands. Things are…”
“Things are different now. I get that. I’m not an idiot, babe. Having River means your time is taken up with her.”
“Then how do you expect this to work?” she says, sounding desperate. “Even when I’m not putting in the hours down here, I still have so much to do.”
“Well… I kinda hoped you’d let me help.” She frowns, like this is news, and I have to smile. “Don’t look so surprised. I offered earlier, and even if it wasn’t what you wanted to hear, you can’t deny that having me around could have its uses.”
“I—I’m not.”
“Really?”
“Really. But looking after a baby is exhausting. Are you honestly telling me you won’t mind if I don’t feel like making love with you because I’m too damned tired?”
I smile, grinding my hips into her, which makes her gasp, and then I dip my head and trail a line of kisses from the corner of her mouth to her ear.
“To be honest, I’m just relieved you’re considering making love with me again.” She shakes her head and I lean back, relieved by the smile that’s touching at her lips. “In answer to your question, no, I won’t mind… although I find it hard to believe there’s ever a time when you don’t feel like making love.” I can still remember how wild she could get… how we’d tear at each other’s clothes, our lips and hands everywhere, and I let out a slight groan. She licks her lips, gazing into my eyes, like she’s in the same place as me… lost in those memories, and as I feel like I’m on a roll, I continue, “I know things were tough at the end…”
“Don’t call it the end,” she says, interrupting my flow, although I don’t mind. Her point is valid. It’s a pleasing one as well, and I smile down at her.
“Okay. I’ll start that again… I know things were tough before I left, but I still wanted you. All the time.”
“I still wanted you, too. But there never seemed to be any time.”
“I don’t know about never,” I say, raising my eyebrows, and she bites her bottom lip. We’re both remembering our last time together. I know we are, and I free her lip with my thumb as she closes her eyes, letting out a gentle moan.
“I—I’m scared,” she whispers.
“You have nothing to be scared of. I promise.”
“But I can’t…”
I snap my thumb across her lips.
“Don’t make this about what you can’t do. Make it about what you can do. You don’t need to ask yourself how good we can be together. You already know that. All you need to ask yourself is, can I forgive him for hurting me? Can I let him back in? Can I give him another chance? Because if you can, I promise, you won’t regret it.”
She sighs, her shoulders dropping, and I feel a wave of despair wash over me, my hand falling to my side.
“Can I take that as a ‘no’?” I ask.
She stares up at me, right into my eyes, like she’s searching for something, and I let her gaze for as long as she needs, until she says, “You can take it as a maybe.”
That’s not a ‘no’, and I nod my head, feeling a little less despondent.
“Okay. What do I have to do to turn maybe into yes?”
“The first thing you’re gonna have to do is let me go.”
“Never. I’m never letting you go, babe… no matter how small the chance for us, I’m taking it and I’m fighting for it.”
She smiles, just slightly, licking her lips, and rests her hands on my chest, which feels much more like ‘yes’ than ‘maybe’.
“I didn’t mean forever,” she says. “It’s just things will probably be getting busy inside, and I can’t leave Owen to cope all by himself.”
“Oh. I see.”
I go to step back, but she grabs my arm, her other hand still on my chest, pressing down hard, like she wants me to stay… which isn’t a problem for me.
“I—I’d love to be able to say ‘yes’,” she says, blushing just slightly, and I put my arms around her, pulling her close.
“You would?”
“Yeah, but it’s not that easy. I can’t…”
“Can’t?” I say, tipping my head to one side.
“Yes. I can’t forget what happened. It’s not that simple. I know you’re saying it was all about me shutting you out, and I understand that. I honestly hadn’t realized I was doing it, but based on the way I’ve been since you got back, I think I might have been, and I apologize. It never occurred to me that you might be grieving, too, and it should have done. So, I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to be.”
“Yes, I do… but the thing is, for me, it’s always been about Helen, and if I’m being honest, I’m still struggling with that. I know you say she meant nothing, and I want to believe you, but when I close my eyes, all I can see is the two of you together. That’s what I was trying to say just now. I can’t forget what happened, or how easily she got under your skin… and I’m so damn scared she’ll do it again.”
I clasp her face between both of my hands. “I won’t let her. Please, Everly… don’t give up on me.”
“I’m not. I’m just explaining why I’m saying ‘maybe’ and not ‘yes’.”
“Because you need me to prove myself?”
“Because I need to learn to trust you… as much as I want you.”
She whispers those last few words, but I hear them loud and clear and I lower my lips to hers, kissing her gently, in the softest of caresses.
“I’m grateful you want me, and I want you, too… so damn much,” I murmur.
“We need to get it right this time,” she breathes, clinging to me. “We’ve got River to think about. It’s not just us anymore.”
“I know.”
I kiss her again and then pull back, releasing her. She looks up at me, her eyes filled with doubt. “What are you doing?”
“Letting you go, like you asked me to.”
“Oh.” She can’t disguise the disappointment in her voice and I lean in again.
“I can come by tomorrow, though, if you like?”
“Well… I… I was wondering if you’d like to come over for dinner tonight?”
I smile at her hesitation… like she thinks there’s any doubt I’m ever gonna say anything other than ‘yes’ to such a perfect invitation.
“I’d love to come to dinner.”
“You would?”
She’s surprised?
“What time?” I ask, cutting to the chase.
“Can you make it by six?” she asks.
“Of course I can, but the coffee shop doesn’t close until seven, does it? I mean, I don’t mind waiting, but…”
She puts her hand on my chest again, and I stop talking. It’s an automatic reaction, which I can’t help… and I don’t really want to.
“I changed it to six when River was born,” she says, answering my unasked question. “If you could come over then, you’d be here in time for her bath, and you could help me put her to bed, if you like?”
I’m frozen to the spot, unable to think, or move, or breathe, and I just stare at her, until she says my name, and I nod my head.
“I—I’d love that. Thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me,” she says.
“Yeah, I do. More than you’ll ever know.”
I pull her into my arms again, dipping her slightly as I bend to kiss her. She squeals, then moans, then sighs, and I hold her up, taking her weight, because it seems her legs can’t. When I come up for air, I stand her upright, and give her a moment to gather herself together before I lean in and whisper, “Some things never change.”
“Oh?” she says, still a little breathless.
“Yeah. You still drive me crazy.”