Chapter Eleven
Everly
Seth has been gone for an hour already, but his words are still echoing around my head, even as I clean the countertop and count down the minutes until it’s time to close for the day. And I am counting them, too… because I can’t wait to see him again.
I feel ridiculously giddy and excited… perhaps even more so than the first time we did this, six years ago. I didn’t know what lay ahead then. My knowledge of men was limited, so I just enjoyed every moment, taking it as it came. Now, I know what the future holds. All I have to do is grab it. Seth’s made that very clear. He’s mine, if I want him… and I do. Why wouldn’t I? He still drives me crazy, too.
I couldn’t say that to him, though. I couldn’t take that chance when he offered it… partly because I was breathless after that amazing kiss, but also because I felt so guilty.
He was right. I had shut him out back then. It wasn’t intentional, and I honestly couldn’t explain why I’d done it. Maybe it was the weight of responsibility, which I felt I had to bear. Or it could have been a need to prove myself… to prove I could cope alone. Except I wasn’t alone, was I? I had Seth… until I pushed him away.
I don’t think that excuses the fact that he left, or that he didn’t come back. But I have to acknowledge my role in what happened between us. It wasn’t insignificant.
It’s not just guilt that’s holding me back, though. Like I said to Seth, I’m scared.
Everything is different now, and if he thinks it’s going to be the same, he’s going to be sorely disappointed. He might say he’s aware of all that, but the reality of living with a baby is very different from expectations. I know that better than anyone. Throughout my pregnancy, when I wasn’t missing Seth, and wishing things could have been different, I pictured myself and our baby, living a sunlit life, getting along, just the two of us, in a dreamy haze of love and happiness. In the real world, after River was born, I quickly came to realize that the only thing that matters after you’ve had a baby is sleep. There are no dreams, and in late December, there’s precious little sunlight, either. I counted myself lucky to get to the end of the day without crying… so happiness seemed like a distant illusion. I’m not saying things haven’t improved since then, and that they won’t be better still if Seth is here with us, but it’s nowhere near the same as it was before he left.
And he needs to understand that.
Because if he doesn’t, I’m really, really scared that when reality hits, he’ll decide this is the last place on earth he wants to be.
Of course, there’s only one way to find out whether we can live this life together, and that’s to try it… which could be why I asked him over for dinner.
I wanted to see him again, obviously, but I could have accepted his suggestion of meeting up again tomorrow, if all we wanted was to talk, and get to know each other again. No… it felt important that he should see our lives as they really are, and as they’re going to be if he comes back. And what better way to do that than to spend an evening together? It might not sound like much, but it’s a start. It’ll certainly be an experience – for both of us, I imagine – and I hope that by the end of it, we’ll have a better understanding of where we are… and where we want to be.
Even if things go perfectly, though, there’s still going to be the problem of Helen.
It would probably help if I hadn’t seen them together yesterday morning, but that’s not Seth’s fault, and I have to keep that in mind. He didn’t ask for her to come out of the hotel, did he?
Did he ask her to flirt with him before? No. But that doesn’t alter the fact that he didn’t stop her. And he should have done. He knows that, just as well as I do, and I suppose, if we’re going to move forward, I need to accept that.
I’m just not sure how. Not yet.
Of course, it would help if she wasn’t here. But she is. I may not see her that often, but even when I do, she never acknowledges me. Why would she? It was Seth she wanted, and I’m just the woman who was in the way.
“If you clean that countertop any harder, we’ll have to get it resurfaced,” Owen says, nudging in to me, and I stop what I’m doing and turn to face him.
“Sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. You’re obviously distracted… and I’m guessing that has something to do with Seth?”
“Of course.”
He smiles, his eyes sparkling with mischief. “Can I assume he hasn’t lost his touch?”
I have to smile myself and I nudge in to him. “Not in the slightest.”
He chuckles. “So, are you back together?”
“Maybe,” I say, giving him the same answer I gave to Seth.
“Maybe is a lot better than no,” he says.
“I know, but we’ve still got a few things we need to work out.”
“Such as?”
“Helen Rogers,” I say through gritted teeth.
He frowns. “Who’s Helen Rogers? Do I know her?”
“Probably not. She doesn’t come in here.”
“Because you’d scratch her eyes out?” he says.
“I’d like to, given the chance.”
“What did she do?” he asks, folding his arms across his chest.
“She used to flirt with Seth.” I stop talking and shake my head. “What am I saying? She still flirts with Seth. She was doing it just yesterday morning, outside the hotel.”
“Okay,” he says, narrowing his eyes. “She’s on our hit list. But why is this something you need to work out with Seth? It’s not his fault if one of the local women thinks he’s irresistible.”
“I know, but the thing is, he knew what she was doing back then, and he did nothing to stop her. In fact, I think he used to enjoy it.”
“Oh,” he says, shaking his head. “That’s not so good.”
“I know. He gets that it was wrong, and he’s explained that he only let it happen because things weren’t right between us, and because I was shutting him out. I accept that, and Seth’s apologized, but…”
“But you’d like him to keep saying sorry forever? Is that it? Or maybe he should cut out his heart and hand it to you on a plate, to show how utterly desolate he is? Would that help?”
“No, of course not.”
“Then give the guy a break, will you? He made a mistake. You’ve made them, too, in case you haven’t noticed.”
“I have. I get that… but…”
“But what? You’re feeling insecure? You’re scared Helen Rogers is gonna flutter her eyelashes and he’ll go running to her?”
“Something like that.”
“Okay. You’ve helped me in the past. We both know that. So, can I point out the obvious?”
“I have a feeling you’re going to, anyway.”
“I am. It’s what friends are for.”
“Okay then… go on.”
“Seth left you.”
“I know.”
“But he didn’t go to her, did he? He had the chance, but he didn’t take it. He just left. And then he came back… to you. Not to her. To you. Accept it, Everly. It’s you he wants. It’s you he loves. Now, stop putting up barriers and let the guy make you happy again.”
At that precise moment, the door opens, and a customer walks in, which means I don’t get the chance to defend myself. I know Seth could have gone to Helen when he left. It was my worst nightmare both at the time and in the months since. The fact that he didn’t should have helped relieve my fears, but it didn’t, because I was too damn mad at him for leaving in the first place. Logical thought like that was beyond me. But the thing is, he’s back, and Owen’s right. I need to make the most of that… although I feel like I already am. Let’s face it, I wasn’t exactly putting up barriers when I asked Seth to kiss me, was I? I’ll admit I was a little doubtful about how he’d respond, but the moment his lips touched mine, it was like we’d gone back in time. He still made me breathless and weak at the knees, and he knew I’d need him to hold me up, just like he used to. The sparks were still there, undiminished by our separation, and maybe that was why I admitted how much I wanted him. It was good to know he wanted me too, although he didn’t have to say anything to make that clear. His needs were pretty damn obvious, and he didn’t hold back in letting me feel them… which was another reminder of how things used to be. Seth was always really demonstrative, and he clearly hasn’t changed a bit.
That one customer sparked an influx, and we’ve been rushed off our feet ever since. In a way, I’m not complaining. It’s meant I haven’t had time to think about Seth, or the occasional pang of fear that still drifts into my mind. I can’t seem to help them. Feeling insecure is a way of life for me. It’s part of my nature… something I’ve only ever felt I had under any kind of control when I was with Seth. I think Aunt Clare knew that, and I’ve always thought that was why she asked him to come and live here. It wasn’t just because she knew I loved him, or because it would be more convenient than him driving back and forth every weekend. It was because she knew he made me feel safe. Or he did until Helen Rogers came into our lives. I need to get over that, though. And I need to let him back in, so he can help me overcome my doubts and my fears.
All I have to do is trust him.
It sounds easy, doesn’t it?
It always used to be. When we first met, trusting him was like breathing, or walking, or sleeping. It was second nature. Now, I feel as though it’s something I need to learn, and that feels all wrong.
That feels like the biggest barrier of all.
The door opens yet again, even though there’s only ten minutes until we’re due to close, and I let out a sigh, turning around and smiling when I see Seth walk in.
“Three times in one day?” Owen murmurs as he passes me, on his way to clear some tables, and I narrow my eyes at him, although I’m still smiling.
“We’re having dinner together upstairs, if you must know.”
He raises his eyebrows. “His idea, or yours?”
“Mine. I said he could help me put River to bed, too. So, I’m not putting up as many barriers as you think.”
“Good for you,” he says, and heads for table two, as Seth approaches and I turn to face him.
“Sorry I’m a little early,” he says. “I got bored waiting.”
“That’s okay.”
He glances around. “Can I help with anything?”
“No, it’s…” I stop talking, realizing I’m in danger of pushing him away again… or at least appearing to. “You could clear the cups on table six, if you like?”
“I can, if you tell me which one is table six?”
“The one at the front in the corner.”
He turns, checking it out, then nods his head. “Okay.” He gives me a wink, and goes over, picking up the cups, which he carries through to the kitchen, returning within moments and coming straight up to me.
“Did you know our daughter’s awake?” he says.
“No.” I look up at him, feeling guilty. “She can’t just be lying in her cot. That would be unheard of.”
“She’s not. Sandra’s got her.”
“Why didn’t she call me?”
I dash through the swing door to find Lyla cleaning down the countertops and Sandra holding my daughter, jigging around the kitchen with her.
“Why didn’t you call?” I repeat and Sandra spins around.
“Because I felt like having a cuddle,” she says, smiling down at River, who seems perfectly content. I’m suddenly aware of Seth standing right behind me, and I look up into his eyes, which are focused on River, just as Owen comes through the swing door, barging into us.
“Sorry,” Seth says, coming to his senses. “This wasn’t the most sensible place for us to stand.”
“Don’t worry,” Owen replies, glancing around and taking in the situation. “Why don’t you guys take your daughter and head upstairs? I’ve already put the ‘closed’ sign up, so it’s not like we’re gonna get any new customers, and I can easily take care of what’s left to be done and lock up before I leave.”
“No, it’s fine. We’ll…”
“Thanks. That’s really…”
Seth and I both speak at the same time, and then he turns to me, and although everyone is watching, he puts his hands on my waist and pulls me close to him.
“Take the help, babe,” he says, loud enough for everyone to hear. “You don’t have to do everything yourself.”
“Amen to that,” Sandra says under her breath, although I heard every word and I glance over at her as she comes across, giving Seth a smile before she holds out her arms, handing River to me. “You don’t have to ask for help, sweetheart. You just have to accept it,” she says, caressing River’s head and smiling down at her, even though her words are addressed to me.
“Th—Thank you.”
“Shall we go upstairs?” Seth says, maybe sensing how embarrassed I am, and I nod my head. “I just need to get River’s diaper bag and my purse.”
He’s still got one arm around me and keeps it there as I turn, nodding toward the alcove, where my purse is hanging from a hook. River’s diaper bag is on the floor underneath the crib, and he grabs them both without letting me go, and guides me toward the swing door. Owen moves aside, giving us both a smile, and we head out into the coffee shop. I keep my eyes focused on River, and let Seth steer me to the door, which he opens, helping me out onto the sidewalk.
“Was I shutting them out too?” I ask, looking up at him, even though he’s blurring around the edges.
He pauses for a moment, like he’s thinking of the best way to reply, and I brace myself.
“I don’t know I’d go that far,” he says. “But I think you need to accept that you’re not on your own. Not here. You never have been, even if it might have felt like it sometimes. There have always been people who’ve cared about you. You just have to let them.”
“You mean I have to trust them?”
“I guess.”
“Like I have to trust you?”
He frowns. “You don’t have to do anything with me. Not if you don’t want to.”
I shake my head. “But that’s the whole point, Seth. I want to. I really do. It’s just that trusting you was an instinct before, and now it’s something I have to think about, and…”
“Stop it,” he says, moving closer and glancing down at River, before he returns his gaze to me. “Stop thinking so hard about every damn thing. It will be an instinct again, I promise. You just have to let me in.”
“Is it really that easy?”
“If you want it to be… yeah, I think it is.” I let out a sigh, and he smiles, like he knows how hard this is for me, and has decided not to push it. “Shall we go upstairs?” he says.
I nod my head. “I just need to get my key. It’s in my purse.” I hold out my hand for it, trying to shift River slightly, but he reaches into his pocket.
“I—I’ve still got mine,” he says, looking a little sheepish, and I can’t help the half-laugh that escapes my lips.
“I didn’t realize.”
“I did. I knew all along, and you have no idea how many times I thought about coming back here and using it.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“Because I’d hurt you. I knew I didn’t have the right to just let myself back in.”
I wonder if he’s talking about the apartment, or my life, and as he stares down at me, holding the key in his hand, I realize they’re the same thing. At least, that’s how it feels. This seems like a symbolic moment… one that could go either way, and despite my doubts, I already know how I want this to end, and I nod toward the door.
“Do you wanna open it?” I say.
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“So you can slam it in my face?” he asks, sounding about as insecure as I’ve ever heard him, which I guess means he’s realized the enormity of this moment, too.
“No. So we can go upstairs.”
What we’ll do when we get there is anyone’s guess, but this feels like a start, and he smiles, leaning in and kissing my forehead, before he turns and opens the door.
“After you,” he says, stepping aside, and I go up the stairs ahead of him. It’s a little dark up here, so I switch on the lights, wishing I’d had time to tidy up.
“Sorry the place is such a mess,” I say, turning to face him. He’s looking around, taking it all in, although I don’t think much has changed since he left. Not out here, anyway.
“Don’t worry about it.” He lets his eyes roam over the open-plan living space, the two matching couches, scattered with toys, and a couple of magazines. He puts down my purse and the diaper bag on the seat and turns to face me. “It hasn’t changed at all.”
“Except for all the baby things.”
“That’s to be expected.”
“And it’s not all exactly as it was.”
“Oh?” He looks around, frowning, like he’s trying to spot the difference.
“I’ve changed the bedrooms around.”
“You have?”
“Yeah. I sleep on this floor now,” I say, nodding to the door at the back of the apartment, alongside the bathroom.
“Does that mean River is upstairs?” He looks up toward the room that used to be ours and then focuses on me again.
“She is.”
“Is that easier?” he asks.
“I sometimes wonder when she wakes me at three in the morning, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.”
“When she was born, you mean?” he says, frowning, like he doesn’t understand my logic.
“No. When I was pregnant. I needed to pee roughly every thirty minutes, and getting up and down the stairs to the bathroom was annoying… not to mention dangerous.”
“You didn’t fall, did you?” he says, stepping closer to me, and I let out a sigh, feeling that warm blanket of protection wrap around me. Just knowing he’s here is enough to do that, and I smile up at him. His touch can do it better, but this is working just fine.
“No, I didn’t fall, but I was scared I might, especially as I got more and more pregnant. So, I moved into Aunt Clare’s old room. Initially, I expected to move back upstairs once I’d had River, but after I realized how much space she was gonna take up, I made the move permanent. That meant switching the beds around, and…”
“Tell me you didn’t do that all by yourself,” he says, narrowing his eyes at me.
“No. Owen and Tomas came and did most of it for me.”
“You mean you actually asked for help?”
I smile up at him. “Not exactly. I told Owen what I was planning to do, and he offered.”
“At least you accepted.”
“I did. I knew I couldn’t do it by myself, and once they’d shifted the furniture, I built River’s crib and arranged the nursery, and…” He shakes his head and I stop talking. “What’s wrong?”
“It… It should have been me doing that,” he says, the sadness in his voice catching me unawares.
“I—I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. It’s not your fault. It’s mine. We both know that.” I open my mouth to contradict him, but he raises his hand, placing his fingers over my lips, and shakes his head. “My fault, babe.”
He moves his hand away, and I whisper, “Mine, too.”
He stares at me, lowering his gaze from my eyes to my lips, before he dips his head and kisses me, just briefly. It’s enough to make my breath catch in my throat, but before I can react, he stands up straight again and says, “What do we need to do first?” glancing down at our daughter, who’s still cradled in my arms, looking up at Seth.
“I usually deal with River first,” I say. “It’s easier that way.”
“Okay. What can I do to help?”
“To be honest, I think it’ll be best if you could take her for me while I get everything ready. It’ll be quicker than me trying to explain it all to you.”
“You want me to hold her?”
“Yes.”
I move a little closer and gently hand her over to him. He’s holding his breath, I can tell, and as she settles in the crook of his arm, he slowly releases it, gazing down into her eyes.
“Hi there,” he whispers, stroking her head. His hand looks enormous, and I struggle not to cry, fighting down the lump in my throat. He clearly notices and pulls me into a hug, the three of us bound together, as he whispers, “It’ll be okay,” in my ear.
It’s easy to believe him when he says it like that and I lean back, studying his face, before we both look down at River again. She wriggles, and he tenses, making me smile.
“She knows it’s bath time,” I say, and he nods his head.
“And does the wriggling around mean she’s excited, or trying to avoid it?”
“No, she enjoys being in the water. I think she’s just letting us know she’d like us to get on with it.”
“Okay. We’d better do as we’re told.”
I chuckle, removing my apron, which I’d normally have done downstairs before leaving the coffee shop. I guess I must have been distracted today, although I can’t imagine why, and I throw it over the back of the couch and make my way to the bathroom, opening the door. Seth follows me in and stands to one side while I put the baby bath into the tub and run some water into it.
“What’s that for?” he asks, pointing to the sling that sits inside the baby’s tub.
“It’s to support River while I’m bathing her… so I can use both hands.”
“That’s a good idea.”
“Yeah. Once she gets a bit older, I can drop it down, and there’s a separate bar. It has holes in it for her legs, which will help her while she’s learning to sit up.”
“I see,” he says, studying it as it fills with water. “How do you know how hot to make it?” he asks.
“I have a thermometer.”
I grab the crab-shaped device, putting it into the water, and Seth looks down at it. “That’s neat.”
“Yeah. I didn’t realize until after I’d bought the bath that you can get them with built-in thermometers. But we get along okay with the crab. We’ve got another one in her room, which doubles as a nightlight. It’s shaped like an egg, though, not a crab… so it’s not as much fun, but it’s really useful at night, when I’m feeding her.”
I hate that I’m having to explain all of this to him… that he wasn’t involved in helping to choose and buy all the things River needs. But I don’t want to get back into whose fault that was. I don’t feel as though we’ll gain anything.
And besides, the bath is full, and according to the thermometer, it’s just the right temperature. I lay a towel on the floor and, rather than expecting Seth to undress River, I take her from him and put her on top of it. She brings her feet up, wiggling her legs, and making it harder to get her clothes off… but I’m used to this, and leave them in a pile on the floor, removing her diaper before I lift her into the bath, supporting her with one hand.
She takes no more than a second to get used to it and then giggles as I splash water over her.
“She really does like it,” Seth says, crouching beside me. He’s removed his leather jacket and River studies him, like she doesn’t understand why there’s a strange man in the bathroom with us, and I lean in a little closer to her.
“This is your d—daddy,” I say, ignoring the catch in my voice.
She can’t understand a word I’m saying, but she claps her hands together, which makes us both laugh, and then Seth leans in to me and whispers, “Thank you.”
I turn to him. “What for? I’m just introducing you.”
“I know, and I’m thanking you for doing it.”
River lets out a squeal, and we turn our attention back to her, Seth cupping a handful of water and drizzling it over her, which makes her giggle again, as we lean against each other and gaze down on our beautiful daughter.
Her body wash is on the shelf next to me, and before the water gets too cold, I lean over and grab her sponge from the hook. It’s in the shape of a dolphin, and I squirt some body wash over it, giving it a squeeze before I hand it to Seth.
“You want me to wash her?”
“Why not? She’s your daughter.”
He gently wipes the sponge over River, taking his time, and she gazes up at him, confused, but going with it, by the looks of things. Once he’s finished, we rinse her off together, and I stand up and grab her hooded towel from the rail, lying it on the floor, and then lifting River onto it.
“She hates this part,” I say as she starts to cry. I wrap her up quickly, pulling the hood over her head, and lift her into my arms. “There,” I whisper. “It’s all okay.”
She whimpers a little, but soon settles and Seth quickly works out how to pull the plugs at the bottom of the tub, releasing the water. Once that’s done, he grabs her clothes and the spare towel from the floor.
“Where do you want these?” he asks.
I’m so unused to having help, I pause for a second, and then say, “The towel goes back on the rail, and the clothes in the hamper. Thanks.”
“You don’t have to thank me,” he says, doing as I’ve asked before he grabs his jacket, which he left on the floor. “What now?”
“We need to fix her a bottle and go upstairs.”
He smiles, and I wonder if that was because I just said ‘we’, instead of ‘I’. It felt natural, not forced, but rather than making a big deal out of it, I simply lead the way out of the bathroom and into the kitchen. Seth dumps his jacket over the back of the couch, alongside my apron, and then follows me, watching as I set up the automatic formula mixer.
“Is that as complicated as it looks?” he says.
“Not at all. It’s probably the best investment I’ve made. It saves so much time, and I got it on sale with the bottle sterilizer.”
He comes over, standing right beside me, and pays close attention while I demonstrate, showing him how to input the correct temperature and amount before placing the bottle underneath the dispenser.
“There’s a little more to it than that,” I explain while the formula filters through. “It has to be cleaned a lot, and obviously the formula has to be topped up quite often.”
He nods his head as I hand him the bottle and lid and he puts the two together, making sure it’s on tight before he follows me up the stairs to River’s nursery.
“Wow… this is amazing,” he says, taking in the changes I’ve made up here. Before, the walls were cream-colored, but now they’re pink. The drapes have teddy bears on them, and as well as River’s crib, which is over to the right, and has a changer at one end, there’s a dresser and a chair, which is over by the window.
“I just need to get her ready for bed,” I say, taking River to the changer, and lying her on the soft mat. I keep diapers in the top drawer, and sleep suits in the one below, and I quickly grab what I need, getting River dressed in no time at all. Once she’s ready, I pick her up again, and as Seth is still holding her bottle, I ask if he’d like to feed her.
“Me?” he says.
“Sure.”
I nod toward the chair by the window and he goes over to it, sitting down and looking up at me as I lower River into his arms.
“What do I do?” he asks.
“Just introduce the teat into her mouth. She’ll do the rest.”
He does as I say, watching in wonder as our daughter suckles. I watch them too, trying hard not to cry… or to wish it could have been like this from the start. I busy myself, clearing up a few things, and closing the drapes, although it doesn’t take River long to finish her bottle, and by the time she does, she’s struggling to keep her eyes open.
“You need to sit her up,” I whisper, keeping things quiet now.
Seth does as I say, even though River would clearly rather remain where she is, and we both smile when she lets out a loud burp.
“Very ladylike,” he murmurs, looking up at me with a smile.
“I like to put her in her crib while she’s still vaguely awake,” I say, keeping my voice low, and taking her from him. “That way, she gets the concept of falling asleep by herself.”
He nods and gets up from the seat, putting the lid back on the bottle and following me to River’s crib, where I lie her down and zip her into her sleep sack.
“Doesn’t she have any covers?” Seth whispers as I take the bottle from him.
“No. She’s fine like that.”
I blow her a kiss and he does the same, lingering for a moment before he follows me to the door, and we both step outside.
At the bottom of the stairs, I start toward the kitchen, but he grabs my hand, pulling me back.
“Thanks for that, Everly. It meant a lot.”
“It meant a lot to me, too.”
“I’ve got so much to learn.”
I smile up at him. “So have I. They don’t come with instructions, unfortunately, so I’m just doing what works for us.”
“You’re doing it very well,” he says and I blush.
“Sh—Shall we have something to eat?” I say and he nods his head, letting me lead the way into the kitchen, where I rinse out the bottle, and Seth leans on the countertop beside me.
“Did you try breastfeeding?” he asks, clearly desperate for information.
“Yeah, but I found it really painful. The pregnancy might have been quite easy, but breastfeeding was a bitch.”
He chuckles. “I enjoyed feeding her, so I’m not sorry it didn’t work out.”
“Neither am I,” I say and he looks down at me as I dry my hands and head for the refrigerator.
I’ve got all the ingredients to make one of Seth’s favorites, which is spicy chicken and rice, and I pull out everything I need, pouring us a glass of wine each before I start cooking.
“Did you make any other changes?” Seth asks, sipping at his drink while I chop an onion.
“Not really. Other than closing the coffee shop an hour earlier than I used to, which I did because I was struggling to get River to bed at a reasonable hour, and still get everything done.” I glance around the apartment. “Although, as you can see, I’m still not doing very well with that.”
“You’re doing just fine,” he says, then bends over and kisses my cheek before he puts down his glass and wanders into the living area, where he picks up his coat, hanging it up on the hook behind the door, and then grabs my apron and takes it to through to the bathroom. I know he’ll have put it in the laundry hamper, and I get on with preparing our meal as he tidies the living room, putting the toys in the lidded box by the far wall, and closing the magazines, leaving them on the coffee table.
The place is transformed, and as I add the rice to the pan, he comes back over and I look up at him.
“Thank you,” I say.
“What for?”
“Tidying up.” I would have thought that was obvious.
“Would you have thanked me before, when we were living together?” he asks. “If you were cooking our meal, and I cleared up the apartment, would you have thanked me then?”
“No, but…”
“But nothing,” he says, leaning in and kissing my cheek again. “There’s nothing to thank me for.”
The dinner only takes about another ten minutes to cook, and during that time, Seth sets the table and tops up our wine. Then I dish up and we sit opposite each other in what used to be our home for the first time in nearly a year.
I’ve felt quite comfortable having him here until now, even when he was tidying up after me, but for some reason this feels strained, and as we sit and eat, I wonder if he’s feeling the same.
“This tastes amazing,” Seth says, breaking the awkward silence. “I’d forgotten how good it was.”
“You’ve never made it for yourself?” I ask, sipping my wine.
“No. This was always your speciality.”
“While you made a mean steak, I seem to recall.”
“I’ve expanded my repertoire a little,” he says. “I’ve added a few pasta dishes, and Aiden says my stir-fry is passable.”
“Passable?”
“Yeah. I think that’s mostly because he doesn’t like stir-fry very much.”
I smile and he returns to eating, while I try to think of something else to say. I’m coming up blank, which is worrying. Our conversations never used to run dry. We’d always have something to say to each other… until those last few months, I suppose, which makes my stomach churn, and I put down my fork.
“Are you okay?” he asks, looking across at me.
“I’m fine,” I reply, unwilling to admit how scared I am that we won’t be able to make this work… that all we’ll do is end up back where we were. Not where we started, but where we ended up.
Once we’ve finished eating, our conversation only patchy at best, Seth gets to his feet. Part of me wonders if he’s going to leave, but he excuses himself and heads for the bathroom. I let my head fall into my hands and sigh.
“Come on, Everly. You can do better than this,” I whisper to myself, picking up the dishes and taking them to the kitchen. I grab the wine, bringing it back with me, and top up our glasses, resuming my seat just as Seth’s phone beeps. He’s left it face up, beside where he was sitting, and I can’t help glancing down, my heart physically aching when I see the name Davina on the screen. My hand is across the table before I can stop myself, and I flip his phone around, pulling it closer. The screen’s gone blank now, but as I lift it, it lights up again, the message still there at the bottom, although I can’t read the content. I’m invited to input a passcode, though, and for a moment, I hesitate. Seth’s was always my birthday, and he never used to have a problem with me using it… so I input the six digits, even though I know I probably shouldn’t, letting out a gasp when the message comes up on the screen, as I read…
— When are you coming back? I can’t cope without you. x
Seriously?
Who the hell is this woman?
And who does Seth think he is, coming back here and saying all the things he’s said, doing all the things he’s done, when he’s clearly got someone else in his life?
The bathroom door opens, and Seth steps out, his eyes locking with mine as I turn in my seat, throwing the phone across the room, right at him. I register the shock on his face, before he reaches out and catches it, saving it from hitting the wall beside his head.
“I believed you,” I say, getting to my feet and going over to him. “I believed you, but you’re a liar, as well as being selfish and inconsiderate.”
He frowns, stepping up to me, so we’re right at the end of the couch. “I’ll accept selfish and inconsiderate,” he says. “But what the fuck am I supposed to have lied about?”
I nod down at his phone, still clutched in his hand. “Davina.”
His frown deepens. “You mean the intern at my office?”
“I mean the woman who’s sending you cute little messages.”
He glances down, turning the phone over and reading the message for himself. “You’ve read this?” he says, raising his head and looking right at me.
“Yes, and don’t you dare get mad at me for invading your privacy. You never used to worry about me unlocking your phone or reading your messages. We trusted each other, and if you weren’t carrying on with her, you wouldn’t need to worry now, would you?”
“I’m not carrying on with her… or with anyone else. Like I just said, she’s an intern at the office, and she’s utterly useless at her job. She spends most of her time annoying me and asking me questions.”
“Because she likes you?”
“Because she hasn’t got a clue what she’s doing. She probably only wants to know when I’m going back because no-one else has the patience to deal with her.”
“If it’s just about work, why did she add a kiss to her message?”
“Because she’s young. She sends messages like that to everyone. It doesn’t mean anything.” He moves closer, although he doesn’t touch me, and whispers, “I love you, Everly. There’s no-one else, and if you wanna go through my phone, you’ll see I’ve got nothing to hide.”
He holds it out to me, but I ignore it and stare up at him.
“Is this like Helen all over again?” I ask. “Is she flirting with you?”
“No. The only thing Davina wants me for is to help her at work.”
“You’re sure?”
“I’m positive, but if she changed her mind and tried something with me, I’d shut her down. Hell, I’d leave my job if I had to. I’ve learned my lesson… the hard way. I know you’re finding it difficult to trust me after everything that happened, especially with Helen. All I can say is, I love you too much to lose you.”