Chapter Fifteen
Everly
I can’t say it’s been the worst week of my life, because it hasn’t. That would be the week after Seth left me the last time, when I drifted around the apartment, not knowing what to do or how to feel. Admittedly, I’ve felt fairly similar this week, but at least I haven’t had to deal with a stoney silence. Seth has phoned me every day, several times a day, starting with that call I got when he arrived in Concord. We kept it brief, because we were both busy, and I was in the coffee shop at the time and didn’t want to cry in front of half the town. I got the impression he had things to do, too… although I had no idea what they were. All I knew was, the sooner he got them done, the sooner he could come back.
I’ve been waiting for him to come home ever since, although, like I say, he hasn’t been silent this time.
He called me later that evening and I sat on the couch, trying to keep it together, when he told me he missed me.
“You don’t have to,” I said. “You could come back. Concord isn’t that far away.”
“I know.”
“Then why don’t you drive over here?”
“Because if I did, I’d never be able to leave again.”
“And that’s a problem?”
I heard him sigh. “No, but there are things I need to do here.”
I felt my skin prickle, wondering what was going on. “Promise me there’s no-one else,” I said, and although I hated myself for being so suspicious, I had my reasons… not that I was about to tell him.
“There’s no-one else, I promise.” He sounded sincere, and I did my best to believe him. “Please trust me,” he said.
“I trusted you before.”
“I know you did, and I broke that trust, but this is different, babe. I’ll prove it to you. Just give me time.”
“The thing is, you can’t tell me how much time, can you?”
“Not exactly, but it won’t be long.”
I still couldn’t understand why he had to stay in Concord in order to fix whatever needed fixing. He used to live here and commute there every single day, so why couldn’t he do that now? I knew how much he loved his job, but he said he loved me, too, so what was keeping him there?
Despite his promises, my imagination’s been working overtime on that during the last few days, and I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve asked him for reassurance. He’s given it, over and over, reminding me he loves me, that he’d never do anything to hurt me again, and he couldn’t bear to lose me. That ought to be enough… but it’s not. Because I miss him.
It seems worse in the mornings, somehow. I miss waking up beside him, having someone to talk to, and to share things with, and I’ll admit, having him here made my morning routine so much easier.
Not that I have much of a routine anymore. River’s blown that to pieces. She’s taken to waking up at six-fifteen. Naturally, I’ve been using my alarm clock, rather than relying on her to wake me, and have been showering before she’s even surfaced, but I haven’t once made it downstairs in time to open the coffee shop. I’ve had to rely on Owen, and I hate doing that. It’s my job, and I’m failing… dismally.
It would be so much easier if Seth were here. He could look after River while I went down and opened up the shop. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind, and my life would be a lot less stressful.
Except he’s not here, is he?
As for the rest of my day… well, I know Seth wouldn’t be here to help with that, or with River’s newfound wakefulness, because he’d be at work, but at least I wouldn’t have to feel so guilty about getting everyone else to step up if I’d at least been firing on all cylinders first thing in the morning. As it is, I feel like I’m an onlooker in my own business, standing by and watching as those around me get on with doing the actual work, while I try to understand what’s going on with my daughter, who doesn’t seem to want to sleep during the day so much anymore.
Can it be that she’s missing Seth, too?
It seems unlikely. After all, she only met him last Monday, and the very next day, he disappeared again.
That hardly gave her time to get used to having him around, did it?
Unlike me…
I found that so easy, which is why not having him here is so hard.
Although I think it might be easier, if he’d tell me what’s going on… or better still, when he’ll be back.
And now I really wish I’d been able to tell him I wanted him to move in with me again. Owen might have suggested getting Seth to bring his things back from the hotel, but I wanted to go further than that. I wanted him to move his life back here from Concord… to make it like it was before, so we could sleep together every night, and wake up together every morning.
And instead of that, he left, and I’ve spent every night staring at the ceiling, regretting that I didn’t speak out… regretting that I didn’t say something to make him stay, to make him realize how much I want him. ‘I love you’ would have done it. But I couldn’t bring myself to say that, and now I’m alone again, and despite Seth’s calls, I can’t help wondering what on earth is going on.
I suppose my mood hasn’t been helped by the fact that I’ve seen Helen Rogers around the town a few times. That feels unfair, considering the last time Seth left, I could sometimes go for days or even weeks without catching a glimpse of the woman. And yet it feels like she’s haunting me.
The first time was on Tuesday afternoon, just a few hours after Seth had gone back to Concord. It must have been at the end of the school day, and Main Street was busy. I glanced up and saw her walking down the other side of the street, looking like she didn’t have a care in the world. That felt odd, bearing in mind the conversation she’d had with Seth that morning, but she was gone before I had the chance to make anything of it.
When I saw her again on Thursday morning, she was walking along talking on her phone, smiling and laughing, and the moment I saw her, a shiver of fear ran up my spine. Without thinking, I pulled out my phone and connected a call to Seth. He answered straight away.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“Yes… I just… I just wanted to hear your voice.” And check you weren’t busy talking to Helen Rogers.
“Has something happened?”
“No.”
“It’s just we only spoke an hour ago, and while I’m never gonna object to talking to you, it’s not like you to…”
“If you’re busy, I can always…”
“I’m not busy,” he said. “I just assumed you would be.”
He wasn’t wrong. I was rushed off my feet. “I am, but…”
“What’s wrong, babe?” he asked, sounding concerned.
“Nothing.” I turned around, leaning back on the counter, so no-one in the coffee shop could see the tears in my eyes. “I just miss you.” That was completely true. It may not have been the reason for my call, but I missed him… so damn much.
“I miss you too, babe.”
“Come home.”
“I will. Soon.”
I let out a sigh. “Promise?”
“I promise.”
I felt a little better for speaking to him, although it didn’t last, because I saw Helen again yesterday lunchtime. Three times in four days felt like a conspiracy, and for some reason, I was reminded of all the times I used to see her with Seth. I didn’t want to remember those dark days, but they came flooding back… the images of the two of them laughing together, and Helen touching him in ways I didn’t like… and then Seth defending what they were doing as ‘nothing’, when it so clearly wasn’t. I tried so hard not to think about it, but with Seth not being here, I couldn’t help it… anymore than I could help my feelings of insecurity, or my fears for our future, because he’d been away for four days, and I still had no idea when he was coming back.
The only ray of hope in my week has been that Barbra’s back from her vacation, so she came in today and helped with a busy Saturday breakfast and lunchtime. Not only that, but when it was time for her to go, she came up to me and asked if we could talk. I was a little concerned, wondering what could be the matter, but as it transpired, I didn’t need to be.
“I know we’re not due to change the shifts around fully for another week,” she said, twisting a bangle on her slender wrist, as she tilted her dark head at me. “But I was wondering how you’d feel about me working tomorrow morning, and then not coming in on Tuesday.”
I felt myself frown. “Um… sure.”
She licked her lips, like she was nervous, which seemed odd. Since her husband and only child died in a car accident, she’s been a regular feature here, renowned for being shy… although that’s usually only around strangers. I’m certainly not one of those. I’ve known her ever since I came to live here, when I was five years old. She took an instant shine to me, probably because I’d just lost my parents. I imagine she thought that made us kindred spirits, after her tragic losses… and of course, the son she’d just lost would have been around the same age as me.
“It’s just…” she said, hesitating over her story. “It’s just, I’ve met someone.”
I was surprised by that. Don’t get me wrong, Barbra is a very attractive woman, but as far as I’m aware, she’s been on her own for over twenty years. Her news came as a surprise.
“While you were on vacation?” I asked.
“No. I met him before,” she said.
“So, he lives here?”
“No, he lives in Willmont Vale. A mutual friend introduced us, and well… he’s widowed too, and we just hit it off.”
“Did he come on vacation with you?”
“Yes,” she said, smiling, and blushing just slightly. “And he’s the reason I want to change my shifts. He works part-time, too, as a pharmacist, covering weekends and some lunchtimes, and…”
“You want to be able to spend more time together?”
“Yes.” She nodded her head. “We’ve only been back from vacation for a couple of days and he called last night and asked if I’d be able to switch my shifts around so we could meet up on Tuesday. He doesn’t work then, and although I didn’t make any promises, I…”
“It’s okay. You don’t need to explain. I completely understand.” Her smile widened, and she let out a sigh of relief. “To be honest,” I said, “you’d be doing me a favor. With the way River is at the moment, I could use having the day to myself tomorrow, just to get my head around what she’s doing.”
I wasn’t lying. The thought of being able to ignore the coffee shop all day and just focus on my daughter was almost too good to be true, and as the afternoon progressed, I looked forward to it more and more. The only thing getting in the way of complete happiness was the fact that I wouldn’t be sharing the day with Seth.
“Enjoy your day off,” Owen calls as he walks away.
“I will.”
I haven’t had a day off since River was born, and that hardly qualified. Adjusting to having a newborn baby to care for was hardly the most restful thing I’ve ever done. That said, I’m not expecting tomorrow to be entirely peaceful, either. But hopefully I’ll catch up on a few chores and maybe get to understand River’s new routine… assuming she actually has one anymore.
It’ll also give me a chance to miss Seth even more than usual, and as I contemplate the day before me, I really wish he could be here, because I know it would be so much more fun with him around.
“Come on, then,” I whisper to River, carrying her up the stairs to my apartment. It feels quiet up here, but rather than dwelling on that, I get on with her bath. She’s tired, and doesn’t seem to enjoy it as much as usual, so I don’t hang around and wrap her in her towel, making her bottle as quickly as I can and then carrying her up to her room.
She wriggles her way through the process of putting on her diaper and then grizzles while I try to put on her sleep suit.
“You’re not helping,” I murmur, struggling to get her foot in as she kicks against me. I can tell she’s desperate for her milk and her bed, but she’s just making it take longer… not that I expect a three-month-old baby to understand that.
Eventually she’s ready and I sit in the chair, enjoying the calm while she drinks her milk. She’s practically asleep by the time she’s finished and I zip her into her sleep sack and kiss her goodnight before going downstairs, putting her bottles into the sterilizer, stacking the dishwasher before I set it running, putting on the laundry, and finally opening the refrigerator to see what I’ve got for dinner, just as I hear someone knocking at the door downstairs.
“Who the hell is that?” I mutter to myself, closing the fridge again, and heading down the stairs, my heart stopping and my mouth dropping open when I see Seth standing in on the doorstep in front of me. He’s wearing dark blue jeans, a white button-down shirt and his black leather jacket, and I can barely breathe.
He gazes into my eyes and, without a word, pulls me into his arms, dips his head, and kisses me. His lips are crushed to mine, his tongue delving into my open mouth. I feel his hands slide down my back, one stopping at my waist to hold me up while the other rests on my ass as he pulls me on to him. His arousal presses into me, long and hard, and I sigh as he flexes his hips into mine. My body tingles, shuddering into him, needing more, my legs barely supporting me. He groans, changing the angle of his head, his tongue sweeping deep into my mouth, claiming me… taking me.
“I’ve been wanting to do that for days,” he says, pulling back eventually, my head still spinning, although he doesn’t let me go. He’s breathing hard, but so am I, his eyes still locked with mine.
“You’ve been gone for so long.” I break the stare, letting my eyes wander to his lips, taking in the rest of his face and running my hands up and down his arms, just to make sure he’s real.
He is, I’m pleased to say, and he smiles down at me. “I had a lot to organize,” he says. “But it’s done now.” He glances behind me, looking up the stairs. “Is River still awake?”
“No. I’ve just put her to bed. Sorry.”
He shakes his head. “It’s okay. I half expected you to say that at this time of the evening, but I thought it was worth a shot.”
“Don’t worry. You’ll see her during the night.” I stop talking, realizing what I’ve just said.
He moves closer, crushing his body to mine. “I hope so, babe,” he whispers and kisses me again. I cling to him, needing his support, and he gives it, taking my weight in his arms as he grinds against me, pushing me back against the doorframe, until I can’t take it anymore.
“St—Stop,” I whisper and he pulls back.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes. I just need to breathe… and to stand on my own two feet.”
He chuckles. “You really don’t. Well, you need to breathe, but as for standing on your own two feet…” He doesn’t finish his sentence, but lifts me into his arms, kicking the door closed before he carries me up the stairs.
I wonder if he’ll head straight for the bedroom, or maybe the couch, but he doesn’t. He slides me down his body until my feet hit the floor, right by the kitchen. That feels like a shame, because while I know we’ve got a lot to talk about, I had plans which would have worked perfectly in the bedroom, or on the couch.
“Have you been okay?” he asks, holding me close, tracing a line around my lips with his fingertip, which is very distracting.
“No.”
He shakes his head. “I’m sorry I left.”
“Promise it was necessary.”
“It was very necessary,” he says, smiling. “And like I say, it’s all done now.”
I nod my head, letting out a sigh, just as the sterilizer beeps, letting me know it’s finished. The noise makes Seth jump, and he glances over to the kitchen before looking down at me again.
“How’s River been?” he asks.
“She’s been fine.”
“I’ve heard ‘fine’ from you all week,” he says. “But what’s really been happening?”
“She’s been waking up later, which has meant the mornings have been chaos, and she’s decided she doesn’t need to sleep so much during the day anymore, which has caused a few problems in the coffee shop.”
“Insurmountable ones?” he asks, taking off his jacket and throwing it over the back of the couch.
“Not yet, but I feel like I’m not handling it very well,” I admit, and he nods his head.
“I’m sure you are.”
“Tell that to Owen. He’s had to open up every morning since you left, and I know I haven’t been pulling my weight during the day, either. I’ve had to look after River instead of working, and it’s…”
“Hey… it’ll be okay.”
I stare up at him. “I wish I had your confidence.”
“Trust me. It’ll be fine. And stop putting yourself down, will you? You’re doing a great job.”
“How do you know?” I want to remind him he hasn’t been here, but that seems petty… as well as obvious.
He smiles, looking around. “Because this place looks fairly tidy, the dishwasher’s running, the bottles are sterilized, our daughter’s asleep upstairs… what more do you want?”
I shake my head. “The only reason the apartment looks tidy is because you tidied it and I haven’t had a chance to make a mess again yet. As for everything else, I did all of that a few moments before you arrived. I was just working out what to have for dinner when you knocked.” I step back slightly. “Have you eaten?”
“No. I finished up my chores in Concord and drove straight here.”
“In that case, would you like to join me?”
“Sure.”
I lead him into the kitchen, re-opening the fridge, and gazing inside. I’m aware of Seth standing behind me, the warmth of his body heating mine, and I suck in a breath as he reaches around me, grabbing a pack of gnocchi.
“Do you still make that incredible cheesy baked gnocchi?” he asks and I turn, looking up at him.
“I haven’t for ages, but it’s easy enough.”
He hands me the pack, grabbing the cheese. “What else do we need?” he asks.
“Broccoli and onions,” I say, watching as he takes the items from the fridge, and I grab the milk from the door.
Once we’ve got everything, I pull out a roasting dish from the cabinet next to the oven, and chop up the broccoli and onion, while Seth returns to the refrigerator, coming back with a bottle of white wine.
“Shall we?” he says, holding it up. I nod, and he fetches some glasses, pouring out a generous measure for each of us.
With the veggies ready, I put them into the oven to roast and turn to face him, clinking our glasses together.
“I know I’ve said this before, but I’ve missed you,” he says, taking a sip and putting his glass down.
“I’ve missed you, too.”
He smiles. “This is gonna sound weird, but I’ve missed River. Can you believe I woke up in the early hours of the morning, wondering if she was awake… if you were feeding her?”
“I don’t think that’s weird at all,” I say, moving closer to him. “She’s yours, after all.”
He takes my glass, putting it beside his, and pulls me into his arms. “Are you?”
“Am I what?”
“Mine.”
“Always.”
His lips meet mine, and I surrender to his kiss, letting him push me back against the countertop, and feeling his body hard against mine. We kiss for ages, hands everywhere, touching, stroking, and breathless with need.
“I want you, so fucking much,” he whispers into my mouth, and although I can’t speak, I sigh out my reply, clutching at his arms, just as the smell of burning broccoli reaches me, and I pull free of him.
“Veggies,” I cry and he ducks away, grabbing the oven mitt and rescuing them from a state of cremation… just. “Oops,” I mumble and he chuckles, watching as I add the gnocchi to the pan, giving it a stir.
He replaces the tin in the oven and turns back to me with a glint in his eye. Before I can let myself get distracted by that, though, I hand him the cheese.
“What am I supposed to do with this?” he says.
“Grate it.”
“Okay. I think I’d rather kiss you, but if you insist.”
I’m not sure I’m capable of insisting, especially when kisses are on offer, but I’d rather not burn the dinner, and he finds the grater, exactly where he knew it would be and sets to work, while I make a sauce, struggling to concentrate, but getting there in the end.
I add some of the cheese, while Seth gets the veggies from the oven, and then I pour over the thick sauce, adding more cheese on top and let him put it back to bake.
“How long does it need?” he asks.
“Twenty minutes.”
He smiles, and while I’d love to get back to what we were doing before, I know that twenty minutes isn’t long enough for what we both want… and that we need to talk, so as he grabs our wine and leads me to the couch, I ask, “What have you been doing for the last few days?”
He puts our glasses on the coffee table and turns, looking down at me. “I’ve given up my job,” he says simply, like he’s telling me he’s bought a new sweater, not done something life changing… for both of us.
“Y—You’ve done what?”
“I’ve given up my job,” he repeats, unnecessarily.
I can’t believe this, and as he sits on the couch, pulling me down with him, I lean back and stare at him.
“Are you crazy?”