CHAPTER 7
Maxie
I regret not taking you and knocking you up with our kid that night. Arlo’s words chased me through the store as I aimlessly circled until I was back at the cleaning supply aisle. I grabbed the things I thought I’d need but I couldn’t think straight. My brain had been scrambled by a giant of a man with hot hands and a gruff whisper. I could still feel his hand on my hip.
Knocking me up with their kid. That was something he’d thought about? The very idea of it made my blood run hot and my knees quiver. It wasn’t fair. My body had never reacted to anyone but them. There were times I’d managed to forget about them for a while and I would’ve sworn I was asexual. Only until the next thought of them hit me, though.
I realized I was holding four of the same bottle of cleaning spray and groaned. Putting three of them back, I shook my head. I had to get a hold of myself if I was going to be able to work around them. I couldn’t melt into a stupid puddle every time they talked to me. They couldn’t just talk to me like that, though. No one ever had before. I was about as innocent as a woman could be and hearing them say things like that…I wasn’t sure I’d survive it.
I sucked in a shaky breath and made my way to the front of the store. I wasn’t sure I’d ever be ready to face them again so I figured I’d go ahead and get it over with, like ripping a Band-Aid off.
I didn’t make it to the front of the store before I was stopped. Ryan St. John stepped in my path and smiled his large, bleached smile at me.
“Maxie! I’ve been hoping to run into you. How are you?”
I had an armful of things but I knew that Ryan wouldn’t budge until he was good and ready to. Forcing a polite smile, I just managed to not lose everything in my hands.
“Good. I’m good. How are you? How are Josie and Kyle?”
“Josie turns ten this Friday. Can you believe it?” His smile got wider and I knew what was coming. A favor. “I’m so glad I spotted you. You know how you made that cake for Kyle’s party last year? Stacey said you took care of it for next to nothing. Things have been tight since the divorce, you know, and I could really use a win with the kids right now. Could you make something even bigger for Josie’s party?”
A wave of heat hit me and the top of my head tingled. It was frustration and it was a fast-moving train, slamming into my body. He wanted something bigger than a two-tier cake, for next to nothing, within the week. Stacey had contacted me a month in advance to have me make Kyle’s cake. She also brought me all the ingredients to save money. I knew for a fact that Ryan wouldn’t be bringing the ingredients and offering to help like his ex-wife had.
Just when I thought I might say no to someone for a change, a vision of my mother filled my head. Guilting me, pushing me, demanding things from me so I didn’t let anyone down. She always wanted more. Acts of service proved you loved someone, she’d always chant as she pushed a broom into my hands. Under her breath, she’d also add a line about it making that someone love you back.
“Okay. Do you know what she’s into?”
Ryan shrugged. “I don’t know. The normal stuff ten-year-old girls are into, I guess. Thanks, Maxie! You’re a lifesaver! You can drop it off at my house on Saturday morning.”
I watched him walk away and wondered when I was going to find time to make a cake. I added it to the list I had running through my head and felt my chest get a little tighter. Knowing I should’ve said no but saying yes anyway, made me hate myself. My parents had been gone for years but I couldn’t seem to undo all of the conditioning they’d left behind. I couldn’t seem to undo any of it. I knew what people thought of me, what my siblings thought of me. I was meek Maxie. I did anything and everything to be perfect, to be good. What they didn’t understand was that I didn’t want to. I just couldn’t seem to stop. No matter how much I suffered, I couldn’t get Mom’s voice out of my head.
“Maxie?” Shep stepped up to me and started taking things out of my hands. “What’s wrong?”
For a moment I thought of how nice it would feel to get everything out, to word vomit all of my worries and fears at someone else’s feet. It was the after that scared me too much to ever allow it. What would they think of me when they saw the real me? The real me was unlovable and ugly. I would feel better for a few seconds but then I’d be more alone than ever.
“Maxie?”
I pushed my shoulders back and forced one more brittle smile on my lips.
“Hm? I was going over the shopping list in my head. Sorry about that.”
Shep’s mouth turned down in a deep frown.
“What’s going on with you, Maxine?”
“Nothing.” I cleared my throat and kept my focus over his shoulder instead of on the worry in his green eyes. “Let’s get this stuff and get back to the ranch. The sooner we get the house in living condition, the sooner we can get started on the ranch.”
At the checkout, Abby Stone scanned my items while thoroughly eyeing Shep up and down. She’d been a few years ahead of me in school and she’d never been nice. Not even once. She ignored me completely, which I was okay with, and smiled a sexy smile at Shep.
“You’re new in town. I would’ve remembered seeing you before.”
I took out my card to pay but Arlo appeared and shook his head at me. I started to argue that I could pay since I’d picked out everything and maybe they would’ve bought less, or cheaper, things. Before I could, though, Arlo wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me into his chest. My brain stuttered. Not my mouth, my words, or anything like that. My actual brain stuttered. It was like it shut down for a full second. His body was so hard against mine. And hot. He was so much warmer than I was. He was huge, too, his body surrounding mine like he could just hold me and shield me from anything and everything that could ever hurt me.
He smiled down at me and dropped his mouth to press a kiss to the top of my head.
“You looked like you needed a hug.”
My brain kicked back on and I peeled myself off of his chest. I could feel how red my cheeks were just as I could feel Abby’s gaze on me. She popped her bubble gum and I braced for her to say something mean.
Shep slid his arm around me as soon as Arlo moved and the look he sent my way was inappropriate for anywhere outside of a bedroom. He sank his teeth into his bottom lip and slowly released it while staring at my mouth. My brain forgot to send warning signs and instead it was doing cartwheels. My toes curled in my boots and it was like I was a teenager with a crush all over again. I would’ve given my boobs for a look like the one he was giving me back in the day.
“Let’s get home and get busy.” His voice was barely a growl and there was no mistaking his meaning. He spun me into Arlo’s arms and slapped my butt before turning to Abby. “Did you say something?”