CHAPTER 26
Maxie
Arlo pushed me down in the stiff lobby chair and sat across from me, his elbows on his knees and his eyes hard as he stared at me.
“Talk to me.”
I crossed my arms and scowled at him.
“This makes twice that I’ve kissed you and you’ve rejected me.”
“I’m not fucking rejecting you, Max. I’m trying to make sense of what’s going on with you. You’ve been shut down even more than usual for the past week and suddenly you’re damn near humping my leg on the dancefloor of some shitty bar?”
I’d wanted heat but I hadn’t expected it in the form of shame.
“If you don’t want me just say it and I’ll go find some other cowboy to take care of me tonight.”
“The fuck you will.” He grabbed my chair and yanked it closer to him, ignoring the dirty look the front desk employee gave him. “That’s what I’m talking about, Maxie. You’re a virgin and you’re dealing with a lot of shit and suddenly you want to get drunk and fuck whoever wants you? I’d be an asshole if I just fucked you without making sure you’re okay first. I’m not just some cowboy who’s going to bend you over and fuck your virginity down the drain. I care about you. Same as Rhett and Shep.”
“Shut up.” I didn’t want to hear that they cared about me. I just needed to feel their heat. What didn’t he get?
“You’re hurting, Maxie. I can’t take advantage of that. I want you more than I want my next breath but you’re not a stopping point on the trip, baby. You’re the fucking destination.”
Tears burned my eyes but I blinked them away, relieved for a moment when Rhett and Shep joined us, bags of dinner in their hands. I looked away from them and took a deep breath. I didn’t want emotion. I wanted to forget.
“Do either of you want to fuck me?”
I wasn’t sure if it was the language or the offer but Shep dropped the food. He sat down on the coffee table next to me and cleared his throat.
“I think I was drugged at the bar because I thought you just asked me if I wanted to fuck you.”
“What happens if we fuck you tonight, sweetheart?” Arlo wasn’t backing down. “You get what you need tonight to forget for a few hours and then you wake up full of shame and disappointment because you still don’t feel better? I would do anything for you. I need you to know that. I would—”
“Anything but fuck me!” I didn’t care that people heard me and were staring. “You would do anything for me but what I need!”
Rhett bent down and grabbed my face, holding me still while he glared at me.
“You are not some stranger to be fucked and forgotten about. We are not going to hurt you by fucking you when it’s not what you really want or need. You’re hurting and you need to feel something other than that pain but it would make us unworthy of you if we fucked you just because we wanted to and you were willing. This is more than sex for us. This is what we want for the rest of our lives, Maxine.”
I flinched like he’d hit me.
“You don’t mean that.”
Shep brushed his knuckles over my cheek.
“Yes, we do. This last week has been hell and I’ve missed seeing even your fake smile. I want you back more than anything but not like this. We’re not a means to an end, sweetheart. We are the end. You’re ours and we’re going to take care of you for the rest of our lives. That means there’s no rush. We can wait to fuck you until you’re okay again. It doesn’t matter how long it takes.”
“Stop saying that!”
“What don’t you get? We want you, Maxie. We want everything with you. The ranch, the house, the sex, the babies, all of it. Not until you really want us and not just to feel better for an hour or so.” Arlo saw my eyes widen and he blew out a breath. “Maybe we should just eat our dinner and go to bed. It’s been a long week.”
Babies. They thought I was going to give them babies? Hadn’t they heard the things my mother had done to me? Didn’t they understand I could never be that person for them? I wasn’t meant to be a mother. I didn’t know what a mother was, not really. I would never curse a child to have me as their mom. Not in a million years.
“Maxie?” Shep rested his hand on my knee and squeezed but I felt no warmth.
My voice shook as I spoke.
“I will never give you children. I would rather die than force a child to endure me.”
The shock on their faces hurt. They didn’t see me as the threat I was, it was obvious. They would let me bring their children into the world. They meant it. They were blind. I hated that their belief in me was just too late.
I stood up and exhaled a slow breath.
“I’m sorry. I think you’re all right about tonight not being a good night. I’m going to go to my room and get some sleep.”
I hurried away from them, suddenly desperate to wash away their touches, knowing I would never truly have them. Even if I was cruel enough to chance becoming my mother to an innocent child, I couldn’t risk playing family with them. Even if they cared about me right then, as soon as they saw the real me, the me that my mother had carved into a lonesome, broken woman, they’d realize just how far away they really wanted to get from me. Then what? I’d lose them again and still somehow go on breathing? Impossible.
I locked myself in my room and turned the TV on to drown out the suffocating silence. My mind still raced. I was embarrassed and so sad that I couldn’t take a full breath in. I could feel a panic attack starting and it scared me so deeply thinking that I could get stuck in it forever, all alone, that I did the thing I said I wouldn’t do. I called my family.