CHAPTER 27
Maxie
Nellie answered on the first ring. “Max? Maxie, are you okay? We’ve all been messaging you and calling. I wanted to come see you but Mills said you needed some space.”
I didn’t know what to say for a few moments. I’d never really known how to talk to my siblings. I’d been a pawn for our mother as soon as I was born, her first daughter. I’d never been allowed to be my sisters’ equal. My voice cracked when I finally found the words I needed to say.
“Do you—do you ever worry you’ll turn into our mother?”
Nellie gasped and stammered as she tried to answer.
“W-what? Are you serious, Maxie? God. Of course, not. She was… She was a monster, Maxie. She was the true devil in Devil’s Den, sitting back and breaking her daughters like it was her favorite game. I look at Waylan all the time and I don’t understand how our mom was so fucked up. I could never hurt Waylan the way she hurt us, the way she hurt you. Mills told us. He told us and I’m just so sorry, Max. I had no idea.”
“I saw Vera’s baby last week and I felt this overwhelming sense of bitterness and jealousy. You both found your families and I’m jealous. I’m jealous and alone and the first thing I felt when I saw that beautiful baby was evilness. What kind of person does that make me? I should’ve been so happy for Vera but instead I was angry that it wasn’t me. I’m our mother, Nellie. She broke me and whatever chance I had at being normal and loved.” I sucked in a gasping breath and forged on, my words coming faster and faster. “I have these men here who are telling me they want more with me, they want babies. They said babies, Nellie, and I’m too fucking broken to give them that. I’m too broken to risk breaking a child the way our mom broke me.”
“No! Dammit, no, Maxie.” Nellie said something to someone in the background, one of her men, and I could hear her moving around. “Are you at the new ranch? I’m coming to you. I need to look you in the eye when I smack some sense into you.”
“I’m in Dallas. The cattle auction…”
“Shit.” Letting out a string of curses, Nellie stopped and growled. “You could never be our mother. She hurt you but she didn’t fucking break you, Maxie. No one could break you. You’ve been living on that ranch with Mills for years and if you didn’t murder him in all that time, you’re unbreakable. Our mother was a bitch and if I could see her today, I’d end up in jail. You are not her. You are kind and generous to a fault. You give so much of yourself constantly that your men literally had to kidnap you and put a stop to it. I heard they threatened Ryan St. John within an inch of his life if he ever tried to get you to work for free ever again. You would be the most amazing mother, Max. I’d be jealous of that kid. Lord knows we didn’t have the warm and fuzzy mom you’d be but you’d still be that.
“It sounds like you have three men who see you for who you are and want to start a life with you. Don’t let Mom continue to hurt you from the grave, big sis. You deserve to be happy.” She sighed. “And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous when I saw Vera’s baby, too. There’s nothing wrong with you, Maxie. Not a single goddamn thing.”
I sniffed and wiped at my eyes.
“Thank you.”
“No more hiding. I get needing space from Mills, Tate, and West, but I’m your sister. You don’t need space from me. When you come back home, I expect an invitation to your new ranch.” She lowered her voice. “You could also always come to Doll’s Club with us. I know everyone would freak out to have you there.”
I blushed at even the idea of attending their sex toy club. Instead of shutting down the idea like I had the first few times I’d been invited, I decided to be brave.
“Okay.”
Nellie squealed.
“Yes! I can’t wait to tell Vera. She’s going to bust a stitch. Come home soon, Maxie. I love you. We all love you.”
I hung up and sat on the edge of my bed, letting her words sink in. She didn’t think I was our mother. She had faith in me. Nellie had been treated like shit by our mother, too, and if she didn’t look at me and see the woman who’d hurt us both, maybe that meant something.
I still didn’t think I could risk bringing a child into the world to be raised by me. If Nellie was wrong, a child would suffer because I was too selfish to not risk it. The longer I thought about it, the more sure I was that I wasn’t meant to be a mother, no matter if I was doomed to repeat the sins of my mother or not. I would never be able to give the guys the family they wanted.
They would be amazing fathers. I knew that without a doubt. The way they’d taken care of me without a single complaint, no matter how much I fought to leave, proved that they were the type of men who deserved kids. They deserved a family to raise and love.
I raided the mini bar and choked down little bottles of vodka and tequila while staring blankly at the TV, desperate to knock myself out so I could stop thinking and overthinking everything. Only I still wasn’t drunk enough to shut my brain off after taking out all the little bottles of booze. My mind was still racing.
I was stretched out sideways in the bed, still staring at the TV without really seeing anything, when the storyline of the reality show playing snagged my attention. In a horrid act of betrayal, a man cheated on his wife with their surrogate. The surrogate was doing a lot of confessionals about how she couldn’t help falling for the husband when she was growing his baby. Screwed up story line aside, I couldn’t stop thinking about surrogates.
I should’ve realized exactly how drunk I was when my brain lit up like a firework, as if I’d finally solved a puzzle that had been plaguing me for decades. I would be a surrogate. I could give the guys what they wanted and deserved but I wouldn’t curse a poor child to a life of suffering. I’d have the guys for a while and that would be enough to last me through the rest of my years. It was perfect.
It also didn’t occur to me just how unstable I was on my feet as I left my room and felt my way along the wall to the room next door. Nothing seemed like a bad idea when I knocked and it seemed even less like an issue when Arlo opened the door, looking a little wobbly himself.
In an act that could only be described as messy, I threw my arms open and shouted at him.
“I’ll give you your baby!”