Chapter 5 #2
When his footsteps faded up the stairs and the house settled into silence, I let the mask drop. My hands gripped the edge of the counter, knuckles white. Bella’s words echoed again, brutal and unrelenting. I wish it had been you.
I knew she didn’t mean it — not really. She was lashing out, terrified, still clinging to her mother like a life raft.
But the sting burrowed deep, because hadn’t I thought the same thing?
A hundred times? A thousand? That Mattie would have been the better one to stay, the steadier parent, the softer presence.
Guilt coiled tight beneath my ribs. Was she right?
Should I remain loyal to her mother and live the rest of my life alone?
I’d thought Bella might bristle at the idea of me dating, but her reaction had been so fierce.
So full of rage. I wasn’t equipped for this.
I had no idea how to help her—or myself.
I took a sip of wine. What would Mattie do? I almost smiled, hearing her voice in my head. That was inexcusable. You should ground her from soccer for a whole week.
But I can’t, Mattie. I can’t do things as if you were still here because you’re not, and the kids still need you.
She answered me back.
You’re enough. You’ve always been enough. Shake this off. Right now. You deserve love.
The wine in my glass soured on my tongue.
I set it down, hands trembling. What if Bella never grew accustomed to the idea of another woman in my life?
What if this thing with Gillian drove a wedge I couldn’t mend?
Because the truth was—seeing Gillian tonight had brought back so many memories of my time with her.
We’d always clicked. Made each other laugh.
But also, we’d been able to talk about anything and seemed to always understand each other without even trying.
I’d never felt so keenly seen as I had with Gillian.
Not even with Mattie. One evening with her and I remembered exactly why I’d been madly in love with her.
I wasn’t ready to let her go another time. Not even for Bella.
Later that night, despite everything with Bella, I texted Gillian.
Alex
Thanks for a lovely evening. What time should I pick you up tomorrow for dinner? I’ll make a reservation.
I waited, holding my breath as three dots appeared.
Gillian
I teach a Pilates class at five, so maybe 7:30? I’ll need to shower and change first.
Alex
Perfect.
Gillian
I had a good time too. Grace was excited to hear what a nice time we had catching up. She’s very self-congratulatory about the whole thing.
Alex
That’s pretty cute.
Gillian
Did your kids know you were seeing me tonight?
I hesitated before answering, wanting to be honest but not scare her away.
Alex
Peter did. I told Bella afterward. She wasn’t thrilled.
Gillian
I can understand. I hated my mom’s boyfriends. And she had a ton of them. Always someone new that she hoped would be the one. He never was.
Alex
You never told me that.
Gillian
By the time I met you, she’d been dead for a long time, and I remember not wanting to talk about her. Either her life or her death.
Alex
What happened to her?
Gillian
Drug overdose. My sister and her husband took me in after that.
Alex
Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I never knew that.
Gillian
I was nineteen and worried what you’d think of my family had I told you how dysfunctional my childhood had been.
Dancing saved me. College saved my sister.
She was super smart and went to law school.
She would have been a great mother, had she had the chance.
I know because she took care of me for years.
Made sure I got into the dance academy. We both had such big plans for our lives.
Alex
I understand.
Gillian
I should go to sleep. Morning will come early.
Alex
I’ll see you tomorrow for dinner.
Gillian
Great. I’ll be sure to wear something besides leggings.
Alex
You look good in everything.
Gillian
That’s very sweet. Night, Alex.
Alex
Night. Sweet dreams.
On the patio the next morning I sipped a cup of coffee and ate Sonya’s delicious homemade granola.
The ceramic mug warmed my palms, steam curling up to mingle with the cool marine air.
A soft gray blanket of fog muffled the distant crash of waves below.
The mist caught hints of gold at its edges, hinting at the beautiful day that would soon emerge.
I never tired of watching the fog roll out to sea.
Something about it always seemed so hopeful.
No matter how dense and cold the fog, soon it would reveal the sunshine and blue sky.
I’d slept later than usual. After the confrontation with Bella, in juxtaposition with the giddiness I felt about Gillian, I’d had trouble falling asleep.
I’d finally drifted off close to two a.m. but woke again after a nightmare and was awake for another hour.
The dream had taken place at the beach when the children were small.
I was alone with them when a tidal wave suddenly headed toward us.
I tried to save them, but the wave swallowed them up and carried them out to sea. I’d woken screaming.
Now, Sonya appeared with the coffee pot to pour me another cup. “Senor Alex, are you all right? You seem downcast this morning.”
“I didn’t sleep well.”
“I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do?”
I glanced up at her sweet, round face. She was a tiny person. Couldn’t have been more than a hundred pounds soaking wet. Yet she seemed as if she could pull a car off someone should she need to. “I took your advice and went on that dating app.”
“Oh, I see.” She puckered her lips, waiting.
“I had a date last night. With someone I once knew.” I told her about Gillian as quickly as possible, without going into too many details, and trying to keep my tone from betraying how exhilarating it had been to see her.
“How remarkable.” She still held the coffee pot in her hand, but set it down on the table. “But what is wrong? I can see something’s troubling you.”
“Bella did not handle it well,” I said. “She’s not ready for me to start dating.”
“Miss Bella cannot decide what is best for you or the family. You must do what you believe is right.” She clucked her tongue. “Fourteen is such a hard age. My daughter was a terror at that age.”
“I don’t want to hurt her,” I said. “But I could see this going somewhere with Gillian. We were very much in love back in the day. And the feelings came rushing back the moment I saw her again.”
“Give it a little time. She’ll come around.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Bella come through the French doors to the patio. I turned to look, wondering if she would sit with me.
“Miss Bella, would you like breakfast?” Sonya asked.
“No, thanks,” Bella said, sitting at the table next to me. “I’ll grab a banana later.”
Sonya gave me a supportive look before leaving me alone with my daughter. What version would I get today?
“Hey, Dad.”
“Good morning. Did you sleep well?”
“Not really.”
“Me either.”
“I’m sorry for what I said. I didn’t mean it.” Bella’s voice cracked, and she drew in a ragged sounding breath.
“Thank you. I accept your apology.”
We sat in silence for a few moments.
“I mean, do you like this person?” Bella asked.
“I’m taking her out again tonight.”
Bella flinched as if I’d slapped her.
“I told you I don’t want you to date her,” Bella said. “It’s totally selfish of you. I mean, what happens when you break up and I still have to see Grace at school every day. I don’t want people talking about me.”
“Why would people talk about you if I date Grace’s mom?”
“Kids gossip, Dad. Everyone knows that.”
“Bella, I love you to pieces. But this is not your decision. I might have a chance for something wonderful with Gillian, and I’m not going to let you dictate what happens.”
Bella jerked to her feet. “God, Dad, you’re so selfish.” She ran back into the house, slamming the French doors behind her.
What in the world was I supposed to do with this kid?