Five - River
“You seem to be under the impression that I know what you’re talking about. I didn’t know you had a kid, let alone Kieran’s baby. If we’d known…”
What the fuck does he mean he didn’t know?
Tears cascade down my cheeks at an unstoppable rate when I finally park in my driveway. Bone-crushing emotions surge through my body as his words repeat in my mind. Deep anguish grabs hold, sinking its claws deep into me, letting everything I’ve held in over the last five years out. Even if I wanted to stop the waterworks, I couldn’t. Not now. Placing my forehead against the steering wheel of my SUV, I allow myself a moment to grieve the fathers Lyric could have had.
Thankfully, Lyric is with her cousin tonight, because I don’t think I could hold it together with her here asking me questions like she did before. So, for now, I cry for all the things they missed out on and the family they could have had. I cry so I won’t cry when I pick Lyric up and bring her home. That’s the thing about moms, we put on a brave face even when we’re drowning in misery.
The late-night feedings, diaper changes, and the quality time getting to know the men who could have raised her alongside me. Only, they didn’t. They walked out without a goodbye, leaving me to do it all by myself because it inconvenienced their chance at a better life. But what about mine? Where would I have been if Seger and Zepp hadn’t tracked me down and handed me more money than I knew what to do with?
Confusion swims in my foggy brain, making a groan escape my lips. Asher’s words reverberate in my mind, ping-ponging over and over again.
He acted like he didn’t have a clue Lyric existed, and he should have known. Shouldn’t he? Shouldn’t they all? I shake my head, second-guessing everything that happened. Gloria called them right in front of me. I heard her from the vacant living room of Callum’s old house. So, why did he act like he’d seen a ghost? Why was it such a damn shock that she was with me?
The way he gazed at Lyric with tears in his eyes and held her in his arms when she hugged him broke me in half. I will forever tattoo the scene in my thoughts. Through my efforts, Lyric holds strong feelings for each of these men after years of seeing their pictures and asking me about them.
What was I supposed to tell her? That they refused to acknowledge her? That she was a mess up, and they didn’t want her? Fuck no. I did what any good mom would do; I let her know them through photographs and music, letting her sing their songs at the top of her lungs. No matter how hard it hurt at the time. I told her stories of our times together and the adventures we had as a unit. Then came the ending of our union. It’s something I’ve kept hidden from her small ears. There’s no way I can break her heart like they broke mine. So, for her sake, I keep them on a shrine for her to worship.
“But where?” Lyric’s little lip pouts as she holds up a picture of Kieran, Asher, Callum, and Rad from some red-carpet event this past weekend on her tablet. Her big eyes zone in on their fancy suits and smiles on their faces.
“Ly,” I murmur, curling a piece of her dark hair behind her ears. “Sometimes parents aren’t ready to be parents. And your daddies weren’t ready to be that just yet.” It’s all I can manage to say to my broken-hearted daughter, who will never understand the magnitude of the betrayal that sits heavy on my heart.
“Do they not like me? I’ll be better! I won’t hit cousin Rome anymore. I promise. Just call all my daddies and tell them. I be good,” she says in a hurried tone, tinted with emotions.
Her big, mismatched eyes well up with tears and spill over onto her reddening cheeks, ripping my heart from my damn chest and splintering it into a million pieces. Sometimes I think I’m doing the wrong thing by telling her where she came from. I’m leaving her with these high expectations of four daddies who can’t be with her yet. Lord knows our relationship was unconventional. But I’m thankful everyday Lyric has Kaycee, Seger, Zeppelin, Chase, and Carter to round out her yearning for her fathers.
I have to remind myself every day when the guilt slams into me that I wasn’t the one who walked away. They were. She’ll know their lives and faces like the back of her hand if I can help it. And one day, when she’s old enough to understand, I’ll explain it all to her the best I can.
“I’m sorry, Ly,” I gasp out, pulling her into my arms. Rocking her back and forth, I kiss the top of her head, holding my tears at bay. “They’ll come back when they’re ready, I promise.” And maybe I shouldn’t have promised her something so massive and life changing. I assumed one day, they’d come knocking and admit their mistakes, wanting to be present in her life. After five years, I’d given up hope for Lyric to ever know them.
“Maybe he didn’t know,” Odette, my best friend from Central City, says through the speakers of my SUV. Breaking me from my morbid thoughts. Because why cry by yourself when you can call your best friend and cry with her?
“But she-who-shall-not-be-named called them. Right in front of me, Ode,” I sigh, rubbing a hand down my face. “I watched her do it. I heard the conversation. They knew. Or, one of them knew and didn’t tell the others. Fuck. My head hurts. I’m so confused. Why is this happening right now?”
Ode snorts through the phone. “Did she? Seriously, Riv. That crazy bitch had it out for you the whole time you were with them. You have no idea what happened, girl. She could have pulled a fast one or something. The only way you’ll find out is if you ask them. And I know, I know, that’s the last conversation you want to have. I think you all need to hash this all out, once and for all, before you murder them, or Ly apparently tackles them and loves them to death.”
I snort, pinching the bridge of my nose. “Yeah, yeah. I know you’re right. I’ll talk to them at some point.”
Whenever that is. How the hell do I sit down and say, “Heya, assfaces, we need to discuss our child. And oh, why the hell did you leave so quickly?” It’s one of those scenarios I’ve envisioned many times in the shower. You know, the anxiety-filled fake conversations that happen only inside of your head as you shampoo your hair and mock fight with people. Yeah, that type of situation, and it always goes one way—them laughing at me and me punching their nuts.
“And Jesus, I can’t believe your brothers pulled that shit. Want me to kick their asses? I’m not above hopping on a plane and laying the smack down,” Ode quips, lightening the mood instantly.
“Please,” I grumble, wiping the tears from my face. “I need someone to help me dig their graves.”
“Oh, we’re hiding bodies now, babe? I’m on my way,” she snickers. “I’m always here for you, Riv. But…”
“But?” I question, leaning back in my seat with a huff.
“But I think you’re entitled to some answers. They owe you a hell of a lot of words,” she encourages. “You know I’ve never felt right after they left. Something stunk really fucking bad. And the way Gloria did you dirty with those restraining orders. I don’t know; it didn’t settle right with me.” I envision her shaking her head in disbelief and running her fingers through her wild curls.
Longing hits me square in the chest. Years ago, I could walk to Ode’s apartment to visit with her, Leon, and their mom, Korrine. Now, she’s halfway across the country running my former bar, Dead End, with Leon and raising a family with her boyfriend Ricky.
“I miss you,” I confess with a groan.
“Miss you, too. We need to vacation, or hell, you could come home. Mama is…” She sucks in a breath, stopping her emotions.
“Worse?” I whisper, feeling my heart sink.
“The chemo is kicking her ass. You know Mama, though, she’s fighting tooth and nail,” she says in a soft voice. “She misses you, too, Riv. Say you’ll come home soon?”
“Yeah. I think I will soon.” No matter what, my chosen family has always come first. Korrine helped to raise me. Ode was my sister. And Leon was my annoying brother. They’ve always shown up for me. So, I do the same for them. They were my damn rock when Ly was brewing. They helped me with everything I could have needed. And the moment I came into the money my father left me, I took care of them right back.
Now I’m stuck helping the guys get their dream back on track. The same dream that left me and my growing belly behind in another state. What does our future hold? Will we butt heads the entire time they’re under my orders or will they get over themselves and forge ahead?
Ode is right, though; they owe me some answers, and I’m going to get them one way or another. I deserve that after so long. First, I have to get through this first meeting with them at the house and not stomp their balls with my heels.
“Now tits up, bitch. Go show those boys who is really in charge. Show them no mercy!” she says through a chuckle, making me smile.
“Fuck, Ode. I have to face them again,” I groan, leaning my head back into the chair.
“How long?” she asks.
“Maybe an hour until they get here with all their shit.”
“Good! Now, push your tits out and put on your best outfit and heels. Demand the damn room. Show them what they walked out on, babe.”
I blow out a breath, staring at my tear-stained cheeks, and nod. “You think it’ll be cruel if I give them a 10:00 p.m. curfew every night?” I ask, wiping under my eyes and removing the wetness from my flesh.
She snorts. “Hell no. Leash them to that damn house. Show them how a big girl gets petty revenge.”
“Petty revenge?” I ask with a laugh. “I don’t know about that…” I trail off.
“Think about it. Talk to them, get a little closure, and revenge, and move on. It’s time to stop letting Whispered Words rule your life. Now, go get them bitch. You got this. And text me after.”
“Bye, love you!” I chirp, hang up the phone, and head into my house.
Maybe it is time for a little petty revenge, right? It can’t hurt. So, with that in mind, I open my laptop and start typing the new contract they’ll have to abide by for the next six months.