Thirty-Nine - River
As we travel closer to the cemetery, I can’t look away from the man I once saw as a monster. My enemy. The man who took everything away from me with one little lie. He’s no longer the man he once was. Not at all.
My gaze eats him alive, taking in every inch of his profile and memorizing them. My eyes trace the tired lines, old bruises, and scrapes I had missed. A few scars line his cheeks and neck, falling beneath his tight black T-shirt.
Were those there before? From his father? From something else?
“Wow!” Lyric proclaims, knocking me out of my thoughts as we travel beneath the iron banner, welcoming us to the last place I ever thought I’d be.
Central Cemetery hasn’t changed much since I was here last. Gray stones peek above the trimmed grass. Bright flowers sit all around in memoriam for loved ones lost. Tall mausoleums with last names carved into stone sit on the horizon in various spots.
“Is this where the dead people are?” Lyric asks, swallowing a lump in her throat. Her curious eyes dart across the stones passing by in slow motion.
“Buried here, yes.” I watch her shuddered expression closely as she nods.
“No zombies, Mommy?” she whispers frantically, searching her surroundings. “Daddy Rad and me watched zombies, they eat people's brains.”
“Did he?” Asher asks with a disappointed head shake. “Idiot,” he murmurs quietly, enough so she doesn’t hear.
“We’re going to have to give your daddy a parenting class on what four-year-olds should watch,” I say, shaking my head in disbelief. One dad always throws on a horror movie for a child who shouldn’t be watching it, and that dad is Rad.
“And say,” Asher chuckles, unclenching his fists.
My heart pounds when the car stops near the row my mother is buried in. I eye the names etched into the marble with interest, bouncing from one to the other.
Baker. Jones. Hogan. West. Montgomery.
Right there, under the dirt, rests her corpse. Still dressed in the same outfit Korrine and Ode helped me pick out—a dress she loved to wear in the sunshine. A simple headstone poking out of the ground with her name, date of birth, and inscription indicates where she rests eternally.
Loving mother and friend. Gone too soon.
What an understatement that is. If it weren’t for her autoimmune disease, she’d still be around, watching Lyric grow.
It’s odd that I vaguely remember the day I stood in the sunshine, watching for the last time as my mother’s body rested above ground. Her old and new friends gathered around, taking flowers from a large bouquet on her oak casket. Tears fell. Laughs echoed through the large cemetery in her memory. Some good. Some bad. Everyone remembered my mother in a positive light.
As for me? I was utterly frozen, running my fingers over the smooth wood, begging her to come back for one more day, just for a few more hours. There were so many unsaid words and declarations.
My brain was fogging in chaos, trying to digest what had happened. My mother fucking died. The boys left me without a word or goodbye. And I was carrying their child. To say my thoughts weren’t in the present was the understatement of the century.
I was a million miles away, but my feet were still in the same spot.
I knew she was in a better place. Or so they say. Her MS wouldn’t bother her anymore. She would be free from the complications of life. But it didn’t stop me from aching for one more hug. One more kiss on the temple. One more, ‘You did good, Riv.’ Just a single chance to tell her that I loved her and wished her well.
Fuck. I miss my mom.
My mother may not have been the best human being on the planet. She worked hard when I was a kid—left me to my own damn devices. But I still loved her. Always will. I reread the names, going down the line until my heart plummets into my ass at the realization.
Baker. Jones. Hogan. West. Montgomery.
I blanch, turning to look at Asher. He stares out my window, locking on the tallest headstone at the end of the row. Shade trees block out the sun, blanketing our moms in beautiful darkness.
“They’re…” I swallow hard, shaking my head.
“I can’t afford this,” I whisper to the funeral home director. “I can’t.”
“You don’t need to, Miss West,” he says softly, eyes brimming with understanding.
“I don’t understand. Why was she brought here? I told them… I…” I squeeze my eyes shut, leaning back in the chair across from him at his mahogany desk.
“It’s all been taken care of. An anonymous donor donated the plot, and the funds have been raised for the funeral. It’s just enough,” he says, sliding a piece of paper across the desk.
“But why would ? —”
“It was you, wasn’t it?” I whisper with tears streaming down my face. I swear, since I had a child, I have cried like a baby at everything. It doesn’t fucking matter the circumstance. “The donated plot? The funds for the funeral?”
“You asked for space, and I used that against you…” he trails off, looking over his shoulder at Ly playing with the flowers and lightly humming.
“Asher,” I breathe. The roughness of his fingers beneath mine has me gasping for air when I clutch his hand. “You did all that for me? But why?” Why would he leave me and do something nice for me in return? Why would he do that?
“That was my plot. My father bought it in anticipation of my early demise. I… As much as I wanted to be buried next to my mother for eternity, I wanted to give it to someone who could use it more than me. Someone who deserved it. And that person was Stella. I raised funds for her funeral through Rad’s parents. I…went to them for help, and the church stepped up. I just… What I did is inexcusable, and I made it up with everything I did. Your car?—”
“Jesus, Asher. My car?” I gasp, clutching my shirt over my chest.
Stop. Fucking. Walking.
I remember the moment I walked outside as the snow started falling. Ode handed me her keys and told me to track down the guys using her vehicle. I had been walking since they fucking left me. Then, out of nowhere, I found my car with a wet note attached under the windshield wipers from an unknown person. I should have fucking known, but I didn’t question it. It was a gift from someone anonymous.
And I used it every day after that.
“It never gave me problems after that, Asher. What did you have fixed?” I murmur through more tears, trying to hold them back. My goddamn emotions are everywhere lately. It all has to do with the four men who have, once again, broken down my carefully constructed walls. They’re the damn masters of destruction and rebuilding.
Redness takes over his cheeks. “I did what any person would do, Little Brat. I fixed everything so you could have something reliable. And I’m glad I did. If you wouldn’t have had that for Lyric…”
“But I did,” I whisper. “It was the greatest gift you could have given me while I was pregnant.”
“Why don’t we take a walk,” he whispers, nodding out the window toward the headstones. “Lyric, you want to put those flowers in both your grandmas’ vases?” He clutches my hand as he speaks softly to Ly.
“Yes!” she squeals, scrambling to remove herself from her booster seat.
The warm sun heats my skin the moment I step out of the car, helping Lyric jump from the vehicle. She giggles as she clutches the flowers, one bouquet in each hand.
“I can’t wait to give these to my grandmas!” Her grin brings more tears to my eyes.
“You understand, don’t you, baby? That your grandmas aren’t living. That they’re somewhere different than Earth?” I ask, crouching down in front of her. “Sometimes humans get sick and only get better when they leave Earth for better places.”
Bloated tears gloss Lyric’s eyes when she nods in understanding.
“Daddy told me.” She sniffles, staring into the bright colors of the flowers. “But Daddy said both grandmas were smiling down from the sky, watching me. So, I wants to talk to them.” She gives a firm nod, full of four-year-old determination. “I wants to give them flowers and kiss their stones. Daddy said they’d like that lots.”
“They would, baby,” I whisper, tucking a piece of her dark locks behind her ear. “They really would.” I kiss her forehead before I stand tall.
“Lead the way,” I quietly say to Asher, who nods, putting a hand on Ly’s shoulder, and leads the way toward the graves we haven’t been to in years.
It’s funny that Mrs. Montgomery was here as I mourned my mother. How many times did Asher stand in this exact spot with tears in his eyes?
“You can put them in here,” Asher murmurs, directing the flowers to the tiny vases connected to the base of each headstone.
“And grandmas will get them where they are?” she asks, kneeling before my mother’s grave, clinging to both bouquets.
“Yes, Ly,” I softly say, kneeling beside her. “You remember Grandma Stella, right? She was my mommy, and she died when she got really sick. Her body couldn’t take it anymore, so she went to meet her maker.” I kiss her head when she sniffles again, placing the first flower bundle into the vase.
“What about your mommy?” Lyric looks up at Asher with those big puppy dog eyes as he rests beside her, leaning against his mother’s headstone a touch away.
He smiles. “Kathryn Montgomery. She was the best cook,” he chuckles, rubbing a hand along his chest. “I got my hair from my mommy, just like you did yours.”
Ly wrinkles her nose. “Mommy says I gots daddy’s hair,” she murmurs, running her hand through her hair.
“Every morning, my mom got up early and made pancakes. Sometimes, I’d sneak in and help. We’d add anything we wanted. Blueberries, chocolate chips, and caramel chips. She loved cooking and playing with me.” His eyes drift upwards, examining the fluffy clouds blowing in the wind.
“What happened to your mommy?” Ly whispers, shuffling toward Asher with the flowers outstretched.
Emotions choke my throat at her simple question. She’s been desperate to know all about them, and finally, she’s getting the answers she’s been seeking.
Asher pulls her into his lap, leaning against his mother’s headstone together. Running a hand through her long hair, he kisses her cheek.
“My mommy was very sad,” he whispers with a tortured expression twisting his face. But he doesn’t show it to her. He keeps all his emotions hidden from her inquisitive eyes, except for the tears. “She got very sick, too. For some reason, she left this earth. But I know she loved me.”
I’m frozen with a heavy tongue. Unable to utter a word as I watch them together.
“I’ll give her flowers now,” Ly sniffles again, crawling off his lap and planting herself in the grass. Reaching over, she places the last bouquet into the vase with a tiny smile. “Hope you like your flowers, Grandma,” she murmurs, kissing the granite.
“I think she will, Little One,” he says, leaning forward to kiss her cheek until she grins.
Warmth fills every molecule in my body as they continue to converse one-on-one. Lyric watches him intently, absorbing every word he utters about his mother and the stories he tells.
The sound of crunching rocks pulls my attention away from them and onto another car stopping behind ours. One by one, the other guys get out with suits plastered to their bodies and flowers in their hands.
My fucking heart stops at the sight of them slowly walking toward us with varying expressions.
“Oh, Pretty Girl,” Rad murmurs, sitting beside me in the grass, not bothering to keep his new suit clean from stains. “I’m so sorry you had to come and do this all by yourself. I fucking loved Stella. She was so damn bossy,” he tsks the last part jokingly.
His fingers brush against my jaw, sending shivers down my spine. Without hesitation, I brush my lips against his, capturing him in a simple kiss, trying to convey my thanks.
“I think she liked you guys, too. She even called you ‘good guys,’” I chuckle, pulling back with admiration in my heart. “Thank you all for being here. This… It means a lot to have you here.”
Kieran sighs, sitting on my other side, tossing an arm over my shoulder. The tips of his fingers brush up and down my upper arm, eliciting goosebumps over every inch of my flesh.
“She was a good lady,” Kieran says solemnly, staring at her name etched into the granite with his brows furrowed. “She tried her hardest.”
“Yeah,” I murmur, leaning my head on his shoulder. “She tried the best she could.” And that’s all that matters to me. She was there. Sometimes. Whenever she could be, at least. I had a roof over my head, food in my belly, and determination in my veins. If there’s anything my mom did for me, it was to prepare me to work hard.
Life isn’t roses and rainbows with pretty sparkles. It’s muted grays, blacks, and whites with struggles.
“Here, Little Star. These are for you,” Callum murmurs, falling to his knees to complete our little circle.
I smile, reaching for the pretty white roses bundled together. Inhaling deeply, I catch their scent and hum.
“Thank you,” I whisper into the petals, squeezing my eyes shut.
“I’ve prepared some words,” Rad says, clearing his throat. I peek an eye open when his tongue pokes out as he searches through his suit pockets. “Ah-ha,” he murmurs, pulling out a white piece of paper with scribbles. “Pretty Gir… River,” he says, choking back tears as he takes my hand. “Stella was the most magnificent woman, besides you, of course.”
“And me, Daddy?” Lyric asks with a tiny voice.
“Of course! You, too, Little Pretty Girl. You’re the most important girls in my life!” he proclaims with a grin, staring between us. “And I wouldn’t give you up for anything.”
“Even unicorn ice cream?” Lyric whispers, leaning in. “Cuz I love unicorn ice cream.”
“I love it, too,” he says, grinning from ear to ear. “But I’d give up everything to be by your side, Little Pretty Girl. And your mommy’s, too.”
Be still my beating heart.
“I really only knew Stella as a kid,” Kieran says, squeezing my shoulder. “If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t have had you. Those days and nights on the hill, strumming my guitar with you at my side. They meant the world to me. Stella worked hard. She was nice as hell, giving the shirt off her back. That one time when she fell and hurt herself in the bathroom, I was so shaken up thinking that she was dead. My heart hurt for her and you,” he murmurs, kissing my cheek. “It’s a shame that she had to leave this world.”
“That shit was scary,” Rad murmurs, shaking his head. “I think my heart fell out of my chest when we found you crying at your front door. Stella was so hurt, and I knew I had to call my mom to get her some help.”
“You talked to her lately?” I ask, squeezing his hand.
“Nah. Haven’t talked in a while. She disapproves of the rock star lifestyle. It is what it is. I don’t need a negative Nancy in my life, anyway. Besides, I already have a family.”
“You do,” I whisper, leaning forward to kiss his lips again. “We’re a family,” I murmur. He grins against my lips until I’m ripped away by Kieran, who pulls me back into him.
“She knew I snuck into your room every night,” Callum murmurs with a hint of a grin, pulling at his lips. “Caught me one night,” he chuckles.
“She did?” I ask, raising a brow.
“Yeah,” he breathes. “I had to go to the bathroom, and she was out in the hall with her arms crossed. She asked me if I was one of the boys making you happy?”
“What did you say?” I ask, staring into the depths of his gray eyes.
“I said… Yes, but the feeling was mutual. You made me so damn happy. So, she nodded and walked away from me toward the living room.”
“She was always really nice to me,” Asher mumbles, scratching across his chest. “I don’t think I was over there as much as you guys, but she always smiled at me when I was by.” He swallows hard, looking deep into my eyes. “I’m so sorry you lost her like you did. Especially after being away with us at the Castle house.”
“Castle house? I wanna go to a castle!” Lyric pipes up, reminding us of what happened at that damn house.
Her.
Kieran chuckles. “Maybe we can vacation to an actual castle sometime soon. Okay?”
“Yes, Daddy! I want swords and armor! I want to sleep in a castle like a princess.” She grins when he chuckles, ruffling her hair.
“Of course, Little Blue. Anything for you.”
“Thanks, guys. For coming here with us and for bringing flowers. It means a lot you’re here now,” I whisper as more tears well in my eyes.
“We missed it the first time, Pretty Girl. So, here we are now. We wanted to celebrate Stella’s life.”
“And Katy’s,” Kieran murmurs, locking eyes with Asher, who stiffens.
“Thanks, man,” Asher murmurs, rubbing a hand across his chest. “Means a lot.”
“She was your mom, bro. I never knew Katy, but I’m sure she was the bomb,” Rad proclaims.
“She made daddy pancakes, too!” Lyric giggles. “Just like daddy makes me.” She beams when he grins.
“All right, River Blue. How about we all go out for a nice dinner?” Kieran asks, looking around at the boys, who nod.
“Pizza?” Lyric asks with hope.
“If that’s what you want, Little Blue. We can go to Tuscany. They’ve got it all. Pizza, pasta… Whatever your heart desires.”
“Yay! Let’s go!” she shouts, jumping up as we all rise. Grabbing hold of Kieran’s hand, she drags him back to his car as the others follow.
“Asher,” I whisper, clinging to his arm as he stops dead.
“What’s up?” he questions, swallowing hard.
“I want you to know something,” I whisper, moving into his space. We stand chest to chest. Our breaths hitch together.
“What is it?” he questions with furrowed brows. “Are you okay? Did I cross a line? I didn’t mean—” The moment my lips touch his, he shuts up, staring at me with wide eyes until he relaxes. His fingers brush through my hair, desperately holding me close.
“I forgive you,” I whisper against his lips. “Don’t beat yourself up anymore. What you did is in the past. I’ll remember it forever, Evil Ash. I’ll remember how it made me feel. But I don’t want to hold a grudge against you anymore. What you did sucked, but you’re… You’re so different, and I forgive you for what you did. I want to move forward with this relationship. You’re so important to Ly… And to me.” I swallow hard when his grip tightens in my hair, and a whine slips through his lips.
“Oh, Little Brat,” he chokes out. “I really don’t deserve that, baby,” he whispers. “I fucked up so hard. I’m…so fucking sorry for what I did. I don’t?—”
“You deserve forgiveness, Asher. You did a bad thing. But it doesn’t mean you’re an evil guy. You were desperate. Your abusive father and stepmother were going to force you into something you didn’t want to do. Could you have done it differently and talked to me? Yes. You could have. But, Ash. I’m ready to forgive. I feel it in my heart,” I murmur, thumping a fist against my chest. “Are you ready to forgive yourself?” I whisper, putting my palm against his rapidly beating heart.
“Little Brat,” he whispers with tears falling down his cheeks. “Yes. If that’s what you want, I’m ready to move forward. But just know, I’ll forever prove to you that what I did was the biggest mistake of my life,” he whispers, cupping my jaw in his palms. “The biggest regret I’ll ever have is leaving you behind. It was the dumbest thing anyone ever could have done.”
“I believe you,” I whisper, wiping away the tears on my cheeks. “Now, let’s get some Italian food and continue going forward.”
“One day at a time,” he whispers, leaning in to brush his lips against mine again in a soft embrace.
“One day at a time,” I whisper my declaration when he takes my hand, pulling me toward the cars.
The other three guys watch us with neutral expressions. Their arms are resting across their chest, taking us in as we walk up hand in hand.
“I forgive you all,” I say softly. “I don’t want this grudge to come between us anymore. I know it’s only been a short time. Our time here on Earth is never promised. I don’t want to go to sleep anymore with this anger I’ve held.”
“We’ll continue to support you both,” Callum says, marching to me. “Every day, we’ll fight the wrongs we put you through.” Without a moment to second guess himself, he pushes his lips onto mine in an eager kiss. He hums, swirling his tongue against mine in desperation. “My first and last,” he murmurs when we finally break apart. “My forever.”
“We’ll always show you, River Blue. We’ll be here every day,” Kieran chokes out, moving forward to capture my lips with his in a soft, dominating embrace.
“There’s no getting rid of us, Pretty Girl. You can put a collar around my neck with your name as my girl. Forever and ever…” He kisses my cheek, grinning when Lyric makes a face.
“Gross,” she says, wrinkling her nose.
“All right, how about some pizza?” Kieran asks Lyric, bringing her into his arms.
“Pizza! Pizza! Pizza!” she proclaims loudly, thrusting her tiny fist into the air with a giggle.
“And then after pizza, you’re going to spend the night with Alma and Anni,” I say, grinning when she whips her gaze toward me.
“Really?” she squeals.
“Really,” I confirm with a nod as she wiggles excitedly in Kieran’s arms.
“Really?” Rad asks with suspicion, narrowing his eyes.
“Yes. Because your daddies have a show, we’ll be out soooo late!” I say, pinching her cheeks.
“What show?” Callum asks, tilting his head to the side as a slow smile spreads across his lips. “We do have the instruments.”
“What? Where?” Rad begs, jumping on his toes.
“Where else would we go?” Asher snorts. “We’re in Central City. There’s only one place with our names carved into it.” He smiles, chuckling.
“Fuck yes!” Rad whoops.
“Daddy, I think it’s time you owe me money with every bad word you say. That’ll be thirty-thousand dollars,” Lyric says, holding her hand with an expectant look.
I snort. “Yeah, Daddy. Pay up…”
“But… But… Little Pretty Girl! That’s a lot of money.”
“Pay up, Daddy.” She sticks her nose in the air, wiggling her fingers like he’ll pay her right here and now.
“I’ll add it to your college fund,” he grumbles, high-fiving her hand.
I snort. “Responsible parenting,” I commend, earning a grin. “All right, Whispered Words. Let’s get some dinner and then?—.”
“Show time,” Rad interrupts with jazz hands.