Thirty-Eight - River
I’m never drinking fucking tequila in the middle of the day. Ever again. Even if Ode convinces me, it’s a good idea. It’s not. Or maybe it was.
Talking to Ode is like walking through the front door of my house. She’s warm and inviting and always knows the right thing to say. I’m still surprised she gave me the green light to follow my weary heart into the ultimate make-or-break situation.
I’m so tired of fighting with myself. With the thoughts rumbling in the back of my mind, screaming at me to fall into their familiar arms. They’re my home, too. For some strange, out-of-this-world reason, my heart aches for them.
I take a deep breath, grounding myself in the present. Forgiveness is my new state of mind. The mantra I’m going to live and die by when I sit the boys down tonight and tell them all is forgiven in my eyes. Peace washes through me, relaxing every muscle in my body. Just at the simple thought of no longer holding the hostility inside my warring mind.
My burning anger sizzles into ashes. And it’s gone…
Korrine and Ode lean against the white railing of the wrap-around porch. Asher, bless his heart, stands beneath them on the ground with his back to me. The women nod a few times as he shoves his hands into his pockets. His shoulders deflate.
I yearn to see the expression on his face. Look at me, damnit. What is going through your head? I’m so desperate to hear what they’re discussing.
“Auntie Ode doesn’t like Daddy,” Lyric says with a little yawn in the back seat, staring in their direction.
Yeah, because your daddy did some fucked up things in the past. But the past is the past. My forgiveness shouts, reminding me.
“She has her grown-up reasons for it,” I say, leaning my head against the cool glass window, letting it soak into my drunk-ass brain.
There’s no way I’m getting into this discussion with a four-year-old who repeats everything word for word. If she found out what her daddy did all those years ago, she’d hate him forever. Or be so hurt she wouldn’t know how to act. Ly takes everything to heart, and I can’t break hers because of him.
To Lyric, her fathers are the saints on her walls. The music in her speakers. And the blood running through her veins. If I wanted to spoil their image, I would have done it years ago.
Sure, Asher manipulated the situation and fucked us all over, but he’s grown up. He’s making up for what he did. Owning up to his faults. He’s trying to make this right every day. I see it. The guys see it.
“Sorry,” Asher says, climbing into the driver’s seat out of breath, wearily staring at the two women standing on the porch. “I was discussing a few things with Korrine.”
Nothing says suspicious like avoiding eye contact. Even when he starts the car and slowly backs out of their little driveway, he avoids me at all costs.
Ode grins on the steps, shaking her head almost in disbelief. Something odd sparkles in her eyes. Even from here, I can see it. I know when my best friend has something up her sleeve. What the hell is going through her head? She grins more, waving as we ease away down the long lane leading toward the main road.
“What was that about?” Please! Give me something. I need to know what you all discussed, or it will drive me nuts.
Asher shrugs at my question, still not bothering to look in my direction. I narrow my eyes on his guilty behavior. He’s suspect as fuck, and I can’t put my finger on what he’s up to. Maybe it’s the tequila taking over my brain, but I kinda want to torture the information out of him.
“It was nothing,” he says, giving me a tight smile. “I was just…getting some advice. That’s all.”
Yeah, because that’s not suspicious one-bit, Evil Ash. You can keep your secrets. Best believe, I’ll find out soon enough. Ode tells me everything. At least, I think she does. My eyes narrow when I pull out my phone and shoot a quick text, earning only a devil emoji in return.
Traitor.
And I tell her so.
“Right. Advice…” I trail off as we head down the main road toward Central City again. “What exactly did they say to you?”
He shakes his head again, chuckling at my curiosity that will one day get me killed.
“Can I—” Asher hesitates a moment, his lips flapping like a fish out of water. “Um, can I take you to meet someone?” I blink several times through his rushed words, leaving him breathless beside me. “I mean, if you want to. I’d really like to introduce you to someone important to me,” he murmurs with uncertainty.
“Meet someone?” I ask, raising a brow of suspicion.
“Yeah. It won’t take too long, I wanted to stop by before we left town to say hi to her. I, um, haven’t seen her since I left.” He swallows hard, with a glossy sheen taking over his hazel eyes. “I want her to meet Lyric,” he whispers, sinking his teeth into his bottom lip, stopping the sudden quivering.
“I want to meet her! Who’s her?” Lyric chirps, leaning forward, clutching the new white bunny Ode gave her as an early birthday present.
From the once dismal expression to something only the sun could conjure, Asher’s entire face lights up with a wide grin, exposing his teeth. For the first time in a long time, I see the delight written in his expression and fluid movements.
Whatever we’re about to do, lifts the weight of everything off Asher’s shoulders, making him whole.
“First, we need some flowers,” he says softly. “Then, we can meet her. I promise.”
“Flowers?” she questions, furrowing her brows. “I love flowers,” she says, cocking her head with curiosity as the car zooms down the empty road on our way back to the city that made us.
“Flowers,” he confirms, pulling off the main road and into a tiny gravel parking lot.
A few older model cars rest around us, unoccupied. One license plate reads—flowers2233, attached to a large van with the Central Florist Shop logo painted on the side with beautifully crafted purple, pink, blue, red, and white flowers decorating the entire van. Even the hubcaps have been touched by the bright and cheery colors.
My head pounds as I rest it against the window, staring at my surroundings. “A florist shop,” I surmise, glancing over at Asher, who nods.
“She loved this place.” He doesn’t take his eyes off the front of the shop, directly in front of us. “Her favorites are in there. Roses,” he says cryptically, not bothering to mention the name of the woman we’re speaking about, which, again, kills my curiosity.
I’m so damn desperate to understand what’s going on, but something about the way Asher peacefully stares at the shop eases all my wonderings.
“You can stay here if you’d like,” he murmurs, side-eying me until I nod. This seems like something he needs to do all on his own. “But can I take her to help?”
My heart explodes when he stares at me earnestly until I nod. “Of course. Ly, you want to help Daddy pick out flowers?”
“Yes!” she gasps, hurriedly undoing herself from her booster seat.
“Thank you,” he breathes, reaching over to squeeze my hand. “We’ll be right back.”
“Of course,” I murmur, gluing my eyes to his loose movements as he removes himself from the car with a smile pulling at his lips.
Who is this Asher? He’s a completely changed man from even a month ago. I’m not complaining one bit. The old Asher was a rigid asshole who put me through the damn ringer with his attitude. This is the same Asher who manipulated everyone around him to achieve his dream and leave his abusive father.
But this new Asher. Dear God… I could see myself falling, madly, deeply, head-over-heels, in love with him.
Something weird happens inside my body, like my ovaries exploding, when he gently helps her out of the car with that grin plastered on his face. Light captures his hazel eyes when he bends down, coming eye level with her. His long fingers run through her hair, tucking it behind her ears with a chuckle as they whisper things to one another.
“Have fun,” I rasp, waving my goodbye as they set off on their little adventure.
Butterflies burst in my stomach when he takes her tiny hand in his, swinging their grip back and forth. I touch a hand to my lips, watching Lyric’s mouth move a million miles a minute. Every ounce of darkness flees from her face like there isn’t a worry in the entire universe. Right now, her world is Asher Montgomery.
Asher’s shoulders relax as he clutches her tiny hand, nodding his head to whatever she’s saying. He grins more, opens the door for her, and follows her inside. It’s like they’ve had these outings a million times before. This is our new normal.
The moment they disappear, tears burn the back of my eyes. I squeeze them shut, refusing to let any tears fall down my cheeks. Happy or sad. It doesn’t matter. Despite the need to purge my emotions, a warmth spreads across my chest. Tingling courses through my veins, and a weightless feeling lifts me.
All I ever wanted was Ly and her dads. Them taking her places. Wanting to be there for her and listen to her when she needs them. She’s always wanted them by her side; now, she’s getting her wish.
I blow out a breath when they leave the store side by side. Ly clutches two small bouquets of dark pink, light pink, and white flowers—one in each hand and a shit-eating grin taking over her lips. Once again, Asher helps Ly get into her new booster seat, carefully strapping her in with furrowed brows.
“Mommy, I picked out the most beautiful flowers! Here, smell,” she squeals, bouncing in her seat before shoving the flowers directly into my face.
I flinch back from the petals hitting me in the face. The wonderful scent of roses hits my nose when I inhale, reminding me of the night I spent with Kieran in the rain with roses floating all around us. “They’re beautiful, Ly,” I chuckle, lightly shoving them away from my face. “You did a good job, baby.”
Setting back in her seat, Asher finally straps her in with success as she babbles until he kisses her forehead. “I love you, Daddy.” Her big eyes stare at him like he hung the moon for her.
Yup. There goes my heart. It’s a melty puddle in my chest, beating rapidly when he beams.
“I love you too,” he murmurs, softly shutting the door.
She preens, pulling the flowers into her nose and taking a big whiff. “Mmm, I think Grandma will like them. Do you think Grandma will like them, Mommy?”
“I’m sure Grandma will,” I rasp, side-eyeing Asher again when he settles into the front seat, unable to look at me.
“Flowers for grandma?” I murmur, resting a hand on his forearm and gently squeezing until his eyes snap to mine, dilating the littlest bit from the warm contact. Electricity zaps through my fingertips, running straight to my toes from the slightest touch of his flesh. My hairs stand on end when his eyes fall on our connecting flesh, and he swallows hard.
He shudders at the contact, the briefest hint of a blush pinkening his cheeks. “Flowers for both grandmas,” he murmurs. “Our mothers are both at the same cemetery.”
The world stops moving. I freeze in place, letting his words knock around inside my brain. My mother. His mother. They’re in the same damn place?
“Oh, Asher,” I breathe, pressing my fingers to my trembling lips. “The cemetery?” I lamely ask with a rock stuck in my throat.
“We weren’t there for you when it happened. I feel—” His grip tightens on the steering wheel as his chest expands. Heavy breaths pour from between his parted lips as his body loosens more. “I feel so fucking responsible for you not having the support you deserved. It was me. I did that. We should have been there for you and held you. Let you cry on our shoulders. Rad could have made some ridiculous apple pie and any comfort food you needed. And…and…we weren’t there.” Asher blows out a shaky breath. “It may be a little late, but that’s what we’re doing now.”
“Yay! Grandma gets flowers!” Lyric sings, swaying in her seat. “I can’t wait to give them to her.” She continues babbling, not comprehending what we’re about to do.
I’ve had this talk with her before. She constantly questions where my mommy is and why she’s not here. I’ve explained to her by pointing to the bright orb hanging out in the darkened sky that she’s with the man on the moon. She left this world because she was sick, and now she watches us with a smile. Sometimes it’s hard to explain to a four-year-old that my mom is never coming back to meet her.
“Jesus Christ,” I rasp through the razor blades sitting in my throat every time I swallow.
“That’s okay, right?” Asher asks, pulling out of the parking lot with concern twisting his face. “I can just take you back to Cal’s, and you can do it privately if you want. Take the flowers and do what you want with them. I’ll call the boys and tell them you need this time to yourself.”
“Please take me there, Asher,” I whisper through the tears heating the backs of my eyes. “I want to do this with you.”
And I do. Every molecule in my body settles at the thought of visiting these graves with him.
It’s been five years since I faced my mother. The moment they lowered her into the ground was the hardest day of my life. I had my found family with me that day. I cried on their shoulders. But when I went home all by myself with no one to pick up the pieces, I fell hard.
When I was pregnant, I made a vow to visit my mother any chance I could. I’d sit in the sun and talk to her, letting her know about Ly and what was happening. I’ve celebrated her life from far away for too long. It’s time to face her again and tell her everything that’s happened while she’s been away.