7. Colin
COLIN
T he library is absolutely fucking chaos.
I'm supposed to be meeting Savannah here to study for our Biology exam, but I can't find her anywhere in this madness.
Me:
Where the hell are you? This place is insane.
Savannah:
Third floor, by the windows. Found a corner.
Me:
Thank god. I was about to give up.
I find her tucked into a small study area with her usual color-coded notes spread everywhere. She looks stressed but organized, which is very Savannah.
"Jesus," I say, dropping into the chair across from her. "It's like a zombie apocalypse down there."
"Midterms week," she says without looking up. "Everyone's losing their minds."
"Are you losing your mind?"
"Slowly but surely."
"Join the club. I've got Bio, calc, and a fucking English paper all due this week."
"Language, Colin. We're in a library."
"Sorry. I've got Bio, calc, and a freaking English paper."
She finally looks up and smiles. "Better."
I pull out my Bio notes, which look pathetic compared to hers. "Okay, save me from failing."
"You're not going to fail."
"I might. My brain feels like mush."
"That's the midterm exhaustion talking."
"No, that's the 'I stayed up until 3 AM trying to understand photosynthesis' talking."
"Why didn't you text me? I could have helped."
"Because you were probably asleep like a normal person."
"I was actually up until 2 doing my own studying."
"See? You're as crazy as I am."
We dive into the material, but I'm having trouble focusing. Between the noise from other stressed students and the fact that Savannah keeps biting her lip when she's concentrating—which is really distracting—I'm not retaining anything.
"Colin, you're not listening."
"I am listening."
"I just explained glycolysis and you nodded without taking any notes."
"I was... absorbing it mentally."
"That's not how studying works."
"It's how my studying works."
"No wonder you're struggling."
She's right, but I'm too wired to sit still. "Can we take a break? I need to move around."
"We just started."
"I know, but I feel like I'm going to explode if I sit here any longer."
"Fine. Let's walk."
We pack up our stuff and head outside. The campus is quieter at night, with just a few students walking between buildings and the occasional group heading to late-night food.
"Better?" Savannah asks as we start walking toward the quad.
"Much better. I think I was having claustrophobia in there."
"Claustrophobia from studying?"
"Claustrophobia from the collective panic of five hundred students."
"Fair point."
We walk in comfortable silence for a few minutes, and I realize this is nice. Just being with her without the pressure of studying or hockey or anything else.
"Can I ask you something?" I say.
"Sure."
"Do you ever feel like you're just... pretending to know what you're doing?"
"All the time."
"Really?"
"Really. Like, with the trainer stuff? Half the time I'm just hoping I don't accidentally kill someone."
"You seem so confident, though."
"That's because if I don't act confident, people won't trust me to help them."
"Fake it till you make it?"
"Something like that."
"That's kind of what I'm doing with hockey right now."
"Faking confidence?"
"Faking like I belong here. Like I'm not completely out of my league."
"But you do belong here."
"Do I? Because most days I feel like everyone's just waiting for me to prove that I'm not good enough."
"Colin..."
"I'm serious. Like, yesterday in practice, I missed this pass that I would have made in my sleep in high school, and I could see the guys looking at each other like 'see? Florida kid can't hack it.'"
"Did they actually say that?"
"They didn't have to. I could tell."
"Or you're projecting your own insecurities onto them."
"Maybe. Probably. I don't know."
We've reached the center of the quad, where there's a big fountain that's lit up at night. It's actually kind of pretty, and there's no one else around.
"Want to sit?" Savannah asks, gesturing to the edge of the fountain.
"Sure."
We sit down, and I realize we're sitting closer than we usually do. Close enough that I can smell her shampoo, which is probably weird to notice but whatever.
"Colin?"
"Yeah?"
"Can I tell you something?"
"Always."
"I don't think you're not good enough."
"You have to say that. You're my friend."
"I don't have to say anything. I choose to say it because it's true."
"How can you be sure?"
"Because I've been watching you play since we were kids, and I've never seen you not figure something out eventually."
"This feels different."
"Because you're older and the stakes feel higher?"
"Because I actually care about failing now. In high school, hockey was just... fun. Here, it feels like everything depends on it."
"Does everything depend on it?"
"Kind of, yeah. If I don't succeed at hockey, then what? I'm just some average kid with a business degree."
"What's wrong with being an average kid with a business degree?"
"Nothing, I guess. It's just not what I planned."
"Plans change."
"Do they?"
"All the time. I mean, look at me. Six months ago, I thought I'd spend college being invisible and just getting good grades. Now I'm a trainer and I'm sitting by a fountain with you talking about life."
"Is that good or bad?"
"It's different. But good different."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
There's something in the way she's looking at me that makes my heart start racing. Like maybe she's thinking the same thing I'm thinking, which is that this feels like more than just friends talking.
"Savannah..."
"Yeah?"
"I really like spending time with you."
"I like spending time with you too."
"No, I mean... I really like it. Like, it's the best part of my day."
She's quiet for a moment, and I wonder if I said too much.
"Colin..."
"I know we're friends and I don't want to make things weird, but?—"
"You're not making things weird."
"I'm not?"
"No. Because I feel the same way."
"You do?"
"I do."
We're looking at each other now, and I can feel this tension that's been building for weeks finally coming to a head. She's sitting close enough that I could lean forward and...
"COLIN!"
I jump about three feet in the air as Tyler comes jogging up to us, completely out of breath.
"Dude, I've been looking everywhere for you! You left your calc homework in the room and it's due tomorrow morning."
"Shit, really?"
"Really. And it's past the professor's cutoff for late submissions."
I look at Savannah, who's moved back to a more normal distance, and I want to murder Tyler with my bare hands.
"I should probably..." I gesture vaguely toward Tyler.
"Yeah, you should go take care of that."
"But we were?—"
"It's fine, Colin. We can study tomorrow."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure."
I stand up reluctantly, and Tyler's already heading back toward the dorms.
"Come on, man! I left the homework on your desk."
"Savannah, I'm really sorry about?—"
"Don't apologize. Go save your GPA."
"But we were having a moment."
"We were having a moment."
"A good moment."
"A very good moment."
"So we'll... continue this later?"
"We'll continue this later."
I want to kiss her. I really, really want to kiss her. But Tyler's yelling for me to hurry up, and the moment is basically ruined.
"I'll text you," I say.
"You better."
I start walking away, then turn back. "Savannah?"
"Yeah?"
"Thanks for not thinking I'm completely pathetic."
"Thanks for trusting me with your completely pathetic thoughts."
"Hey!"
"I'm kidding. Your thoughts aren't pathetic."
"Just mostly pathetic?"
"Only slightly pathetic."
I'm smiling as I jog to catch up with Tyler, even though I want to strangle him for ruining what could have been my first kiss with Savannah.
"Dude," Tyler says as we're walking back to the dorm, "was I interrupting something?"
"Kind of, yeah."
"Sorry. But your calc grade is more important than your love life."
"Is it, though?"
"Yes, Colin. Your GPA is forever. Girls are temporary."
"Savannah's not temporary."
"How do you know?"
"I just... I know."
"That's what every eighteen-year-old says."
"Fuck off, Tyler."
"I'm just saying, math is reliable. Girls are complicated."
"Savannah's not complicated."
"All girls are complicated. It's like, biologically programmed into them."
I don't want to hear Tyler's theories about women, so I focus on not thinking about how close I came to kissing Savannah and how perfect it would have been if my roommate hadn't cockblocked me.
Back in the room, I find my calc homework and realize I'm definitely not going to finish it tonight. My brain is still back at the fountain, replaying every moment of that conversation.
She feels the same way. She actually feels the same way.
That has to count for something, right?
My phone buzzes with a text from Savannah.
Savannah:
Did you get your homework sorted out?
Me:
Yeah, thanks to Tyler's impeccable timing.
Savannah:
His timing could have been better.
Me:
Could have been a lot better.
Savannah:
There will be other moments.
Me:
Promise?
Savannah:
Promise.
Me:
Good. Because I really wanted to kiss you.
I send the text before I can chicken out, then immediately panic. Was that too forward? Too honest?
Savannah:
I really wanted you to kiss me.
I stare at my phone, reading her response about ten times to make sure I'm not hallucinating.
Me:
Next time Tyler's not invited.
Savannah:
Definitely not invited.
Me:
Good night, Savannah.
Savannah:
Good night, Colin.
I put my phone down and lie on my bed, staring at the ceiling with the biggest grin on my face. She wanted me to kiss her. She actually wanted me to kiss her.
Tyler can keep his theories about math being more reliable than girls. Because right now, the only equation I care about is me plus Savannah equals something that feels pretty fucking perfect.
Even if my roommate has the worst timing in human history.