15. Colin
COLIN
I 've been walking around campus for forty minutes, trying to work up the courage to text Savannah back, and I'm pretty sure I look like a crazy person.
The thing is, I know I've been weird lately. Like, really weird. Canceling plans, giving short answers to her texts, basically acting like a complete dick for no good reason.
Well, there is a reason. The reason is that I'm an idiot who listened to my dad's voice in my head telling me I need to focus more on hockey. But every time I try to explain that to Savannah, I realize how stupid it sounds.
Hey, sorry I've been ignoring you. My dad thinks you're a distraction, so I decided to be an asshole to prove him right.
Yeah. That'll go over well.
My phone buzzes with a text from Tyler.
Tyler:
Dude, where are you? You've been gone for like two hours.
Me:
Walking around campus.
Tyler:
Why?
Me:
Trying to figure out how to fix the fact that I'm an idiot.
Tyler:
This about Savannah?
Me:
Yeah.
Tyler:
What did you do?
Me:
Been weird and distant for no good reason.
Tyler:
That's definitely idiotic. Fix it.
Me:
How?
Tyler:
Apologize. Grovel. Buy her coffee. Use your words.
Me:
What if she doesn't want to hear it?
Tyler:
What if she does? Stop being a pussy and find out.
Tyler has this way of cutting straight to the heart of things that's both helpful and annoying.
I stop walking and lean against a tree, staring at my phone. Savannah texted me three hours ago asking about dinner, and I gave her some bullshit excuse about team stuff. Which was a lie, because the only team stuff I had was sitting in my room feeling sorry for myself.
Me:
Hey, are you free? I know I said I had team stuff but I was being weird. Want to get coffee and let me explain why I'm an idiot
I send it before I can chicken out, then immediately panic. What if she doesn't respond? What if she's done with my shit?
My phone buzzes almost immediately.
Savannah:
Coffee sounds good. Usual place?
Me:
See you there in 20.
Savannah:
Okay.
Just "okay." Not "looking forward to it" or "see you soon" or any of the usual warmth she puts in her texts. Which means she's definitely not happy with me.
I walk to the coffee shop trying to figure out what I'm going to say. Sorry I've been acting like a weirdo, but my dad got in my head about priorities and I freaked out sounds pathetic. But it's also the truth.
I get there first and order two coffees—hers with oat milk and way too much sugar, the way she likes it. Maybe knowing her coffee order will count for something.
Savannah walks in a few minutes later, and she looks... careful. Like she's not sure what to expect from me. Which is fair, considering I've been acting like a completely different person for the past week.
"Hey," she says, sitting down across from me.
"Hey. I got your usual."
"Thanks."
She takes a sip of her coffee, and we sit in awkward silence for a moment. This is not how our conversations usually go. Usually we can't shut up around each other.
"So," she says finally. "You wanted to explain why you've been weird?"
"Yeah. About that." I run my hand through my hair, which is something I do when I'm nervous. "I've been an ass."
"You have been kind of distant lately."
"I know. And I'm sorry. It's not about you."
"Okay." She's still being careful, not giving me anything.
"It's about me being stupid and overthinking everything."
"Overthinking what?"
"This. Us. Whether I'm doing the right thing."
"The right thing?"
"Like, whether I should be focusing more on hockey and less on... other stuff."
"Other stuff meaning me?"
"Other stuff meaning anything that isn't hockey."
She's quiet for a moment, and I can see her processing this.
"Did someone tell you that?" she asks.
"My dad. He thinks I'm getting distracted."
"By me."
"By everything. But yeah, by you too."
"I see."
"But here's the thing," I say quickly, because I can see her starting to shut down. "I think he's wrong."
"Do you?"
"Yeah. I mean, I've been trying to do what he said for the past week, and I've been miserable. Like, actually miserable."
"So you've been avoiding me to see if it makes you happier?"
"I've been avoiding you because I'm an idiot who doesn't know how to think for myself."
"Colin..."
"No, seriously. I let my dad get in my head about priorities and focus, and I convinced myself that maybe he was right. Maybe I was spending too much time on non-hockey stuff."
"And?"
"And it turns out that non-hockey stuff is what makes hockey fun. It's what makes everything fun."
"Non-hockey stuff."
"You. You make everything fun."
She takes another sip of her coffee, and I can't tell if she's buying any of this.
"So what changed your mind?"
"Ezra told me I was being an idiot. Tyler told me I was being an idiot. I told myself I was being an idiot."
"A lot of people calling you an idiot."
"Because I was being one."
"Were you?"
"Am. I am being one. Present tense."
"Okay."
"Savannah, I know I don't have the right to ask this, but can you give me another chance to not be an idiot?"
"What would that look like?"
"It would look like me remembering that you're not a distraction. You're... the opposite of a distraction."
"What's the opposite of a distraction?"
"I don't know. A focus? A reason? A good thing?"
"Those aren't opposites."
"You know what I mean."
"I'm not sure I do."
Shit. I'm fucking this up.
"Okay, let me try again," I say. "You make me better. At everything. Hockey, school, life. When I'm with you, I feel like the best version of myself."
"And when you're not with me?"
"When I'm not with you, I spend all my time thinking about when I'll see you again."
"Even this week when you were avoiding me?"
"Especially this week when I was avoiding me."
"Avoiding me."
"Right. Avoiding you. God, I can't even talk properly right now."
"You seem nervous."
"I am nervous. I'm terrified that I screwed this up permanently."
"What is 'this,' Colin?"
"This. Us. Whatever we are."
"What do you think we are?"
"I think we're... I don't know. I think we're figuring it out."
"Are we?"
"I hope we are. I want us to be."
She's quiet again, and I realize I'm holding my breath waiting for her to say something.
"Colin?"
"Yeah?"
"Next time your dad gets in your head about priorities, can you talk to me about it instead of just disappearing?"
"Yes. Absolutely. That's what I should have done this time."
"Because this week sucked."
"It did?"
"It really did. I kept wondering what I did wrong."
"You didn't do anything wrong. You've never done anything wrong."
"I thought maybe I was being too clingy or something."
"You're not clingy. You're perfect."
"I'm not perfect."
"You're perfect for me."
The words are out before I can stop them, and Savannah looks surprised.
"Am I?"
"Yeah. You are."
"Even though I make you want to spend time on non-hockey stuff?"
"Especially because you make me want to spend time on non-hockey stuff."
She smiles for the first time since she sat down, and I feel like I can breathe again.
"So what now?" she asks.
"Now I stop being an idiot and start being the kind of person who deserves to hang out with you."
"You already deserve to hang out with me."
"Do I?"
"You do. But Colin?"
"Yeah?"
"Don't do this again. Don't just disappear when you get scared or confused. Talk to me."
"I promise."
"Because I can handle you being scared or confused. I can't handle you just vanishing."
"I won't vanish again."
"Good."
We sit there smiling at each other like idiots, and I realize how much I missed this. How much I missed her.
"Can I ask you something?" I say.
"Sure."
"Can I kiss you?"
"Here? In the coffee shop?"
"Here, in the coffee shop, in front of everyone."
"People might see."
"I don't care if people see."
"You don't?"
"I don't care if the whole school sees. I want to kiss you again, and I don't want to wait anymore."
"You want to kiss me again."
"I really want to kiss you again."
"Even though it might be a distraction?"
"Especially because it might be a distraction."
She laughs, and I take that as a yes. I lean across the table, and she meets me halfway, and when our lips touch, it's like everything that's been wrong for the past week suddenly gets right.
The kiss is soft and sweet and a little clumsy because we're leaning over a table with coffee cups in the way, but it's perfect anyway.
When we break apart, there's a moment where we just look at each other, both of us grinning like idiots.
"I missed that," she says.
"Just that?"
"I missed you."
"I missed you too. So much."
"You better."
"Savannah?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm sorry I was an idiot."
"You're forgiven. But don't be an idiot again."
"I'll try not to be."
"Try hard."
"I will."
"Good. Because I really like you, Colin Grant."
"I really like you too, Savannah McPherson."
"Even if I'm a distraction?"
"Especially because you're a distraction."
And as we're sitting there in the coffee shop, holding hands across the table like the cliche college couple we apparently are, I realize that some distractions are worth it.
Some distractions make everything else better.
Some distractions are actually the point.