16. Savannah
SAVANNAH
I 'm walking back to my dorm after my coffee shop makeup session with Colin, and I can't stop smiling like an idiot.
He kissed me. In public. In front of like twenty other students who were definitely watching because college students are nosy and we're not exactly subtle.
My phone buzzes with a text from Jess.
Jess:
Madison just posted a story of you and Colin making out in the coffee shop. YOU'RE FAMOUS.
Me:
We were not making out. It was one kiss.
Jess:
One very public kiss. Get your ass back here so I can get all the details.
Me:
On my way.
I practically float up the stairs to my floor, still riding the high of Colin apologizing and admitting he was being an idiot. And the kiss. Definitely still thinking about the kiss.
Jess is waiting for me in our room with her laptop open and the biggest grin on her face.
"Okay, spill everything right now," she says before I even close the door.
"He apologized."
"And?"
"And he said he was being stupid because his dad got in his head about priorities."
"And?"
"And he said I make everything better, not worse."
"AND?"
"And then he kissed me in front of everyone."
"I KNEW IT!" Jess jumps up and does a little victory dance. "I fucking knew he was just being a scared little boy."
"Don't call him a scared little boy."
"He was being a scared little boy. But now he's being a slightly braver little boy who kissed you in public."
"It was really sweet, actually."
"Tell me everything. And I mean everything. What did he say exactly?"
I flop down on my bed and give Jess the full play-by-play of our conversation. She listens with the intensity of someone getting paid to analyze relationship dynamics.
"Okay," she says when I finish. "So he admitted he was wrong, he explained why he was being weird, and he made a grand gesture by kissing you where people could see."
"I guess."
"That's actually pretty mature for an eighteen-year-old boy."
"Is it?"
"Most eighteen-year-old boys would have just pretended nothing happened and hoped you forgot about it."
"That's depressing."
"That's realistic. But Colin actually owned up to being an ass and fixed it."
"Yeah, he did."
"So what now?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, are you guys officially together now? Are you dating? Are you exclusive? What's the status?"
"I don't know. We didn't really define it."
"Why not?"
"Because it felt weird to be like 'so are we boyfriend and girlfriend now' right after he apologized for ignoring me."
"Fair point. But you should probably figure it out soon."
"Why?"
"Because now that you've kissed in public, people are going to assume you're together. Including other guys who might have been interested in you."
"Other guys aren't interested in me."
"How do you know?"
"Because I would know."
"Would you? You've been so focused on Colin that you might not have noticed."
I think about this. Have there been other guys showing interest? I honestly have no idea.
"It doesn't matter anyway," I say. "I'm not interested in other guys."
"Just Colin."
"Just Colin."
"Who you're maybe dating but haven't defined it with."
"Right."
"This is why I stick to casual hookups. Less complicated."
"Your casual hookups are just as complicated. Remember Brad from your finance class?"
"We don't talk about Brad."
"You brought him up last week."
"That was a moment of weakness."
My phone buzzes with a text from Colin.
Colin:
Thanks for giving me another chance. I promise not to be an idiot again.
Me:
You better not be. I don't have infinite patience.
Colin:
Noted. What are you doing tonight?
Me:
Homework. You?
Colin:
Same. Want to do homework together?
Me:
Is this your way of asking me on a study date?
Colin:
Maybe. Is that lame?
Me:
It's very lame. I love it.
Colin:
Perfect. My room or yours?
Me:
Yours. Tyler's less likely to interrupt with commentary.
Colin:
See you at 8?
Me:
See you at 8.
I put my phone down and realize Jess has been reading over my shoulder.
"Study date," she says approvingly. "Classic college relationship move."
"It's not a study date. We're just studying together."
"While being cute and probably making out between homework problems."
"We're not going to make out."
"You're totally going to make out."
"We're going to study."
"You're going to study each other's faces."
"That's not how studying works."
"That's how study dates work."
"It's not a date."
"It's definitely a date. Just own it."
Maybe she's right. Maybe it is a date. The thought makes me nervous and excited in equal measure.
"What if I'm bad at this?" I ask.
"Bad at what?"
"Dating. Relationships. Whatever this is."
"What makes you think you'd be bad at it?"
"I don't know. I've never really done it before."
"Neither has Colin."
"How do you know?"
"Because if he had, he wouldn't have handled this week so badly."
"Good point."
"You're both figuring it out. That's normal."
"Is it?"
"Totally normal. Most people our age have no idea what they're doing when it comes to relationships."
"That's not very reassuring."
"It's realistic. And it means you can learn together."
"What if we learn that we're incompatible?"
"What if you learn that you're perfect for each other?"
"Stop doing the thing where you answer my questions with questions."
"Stop asking questions that you're only asking because you're scared."
"I'm not scared."
"You're terrified. But that's okay. Being scared means you care."
"I do care."
"I know you do. And Colin cares too, or he wouldn't have apologized so thoroughly."
"Yeah."
"So stop overthinking and go enjoy your study date."
"It's not a study date."
"It's totally a study date."
At 8 PM, I'm standing outside Colin's door with my Biology textbook and a nervous stomach. I've been to his room before, but this feels different somehow. More intentional.
Colin opens the door wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt, and his hair is messy like he's been running his hands through it.
"Hey," he says, stepping aside to let me in.
"Hey yourself."
Tyler's at his desk with headphones on, which means we can actually talk without him making commentary about our every interaction.
"So," Colin says as we settle on his bed with our books. "Biology exam on Friday."
"Yep. Are you ready?"
"Define ready."
"Do you understand photosynthesis?"
"I understand that plants do things with sunlight."
"That's not going to be enough."
"That's why I have you."
"I can't take the exam for you."
"You could if you really loved me."
He says it jokingly, but the word 'love' hangs in the air between us for a moment.
"I mean," he says quickly, "not that you love me. I was just... that was a joke."
"I know it was a joke."
"Right. Obviously."
"Obviously."
We're both being weird now, and I realize the L-word just made everything awkward.
"Should we focus on Biology?" I suggest.
"Yes. Biology. Good idea."
We spend the next hour going over photosynthesis and cellular respiration, and gradually the awkwardness fades. This is what I love about studying with Colin—he asks good questions and actually tries to understand the material instead of just memorizing it.
"Okay," I say finally, "I think you're as ready as you're going to be."
"You think I'll pass?"
"I think you'll do fine."
"Just fine?"
"I think you'll do well."
"Better."
We're sitting pretty close together on his bed, and I realize Tyler has left at some point without me noticing. We're alone.
"Savannah?"
"Yeah?"
"Can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"What are we doing?"
"Studying Biology."
"No, I mean... what are we doing? You and me."
"I don't know. What do you want to be doing?"
"I want to be dating you."
"Dating me?"
"Officially dating you. Like, boyfriend and girlfriend dating you."
My heart does this little skip thing, and I realize I want that too.
"Okay," I say.
"Okay?"
"Okay, let's be boyfriend and girlfriend."
"Really?"
"Really."
"Just like that?"
"Just like that."
"That was easier than I expected."
"What did you expect?"
"I don't know. More negotiation. A PowerPoint presentation maybe."
"I don't need a PowerPoint presentation to know that I like you."
"You like me."
"I like you."
"Good. Because I like you too."
"Good."
We're both smiling now, and I realize this is what happiness feels like. Not the complicated, anxious kind of happiness I've been feeling lately, but simple, uncomplicated happiness.
"So now what?" I ask.
"Now you're my girlfriend."
"And you're my boyfriend."
"Weird."
"Good weird or bad weird?"
"Good weird. Definitely good weird."
"Okay."
"Okay."
"Should we tell people?"
"Do you want to tell people?"
"I don't know. Do you?"
"I kind of want to tell everyone."
"Everyone?"
"Tyler, Ezra, my parents, random strangers on the street."
"That's a lot of people."
"I'm excited about having a girlfriend."
"I'm excited about having a boyfriend."
"Good. Because I'm planning to be a very good boyfriend."
"You better be."
"I will be. I promise."
And as we're sitting there on his bed, officially boyfriend and girlfriend now, I realize that sometimes the best things happen when you stop overthinking and just let them happen.
Even if it scares you.
Especially if it scares you.