11. Anya
CHAPTER 11
Ishamelessly asked Brandon for a kiss last night, and he turned me down. He said he didn’t want to hurt me again, and he didn’t want to hurt Spencer.
And he was right to. We were in the middle of a bonfire night. It would have been the topic of the week in Meadowvale if we actually kissed in public for everyone to see.
I grab a handful of my hair and pull it.
Anya, what were you thinking?
I wasn’t thinking. My body had taken control, refusing to resist Brandon despite my better judgment. And it had acted out. I feel embarrassment over what I did splintering through me. How on Earth am I supposed to face him now? I groan.
Kira's laughter fills the room as she reaches up to touch my face, placing her fingers between my lips. I playfully nibble on them before she pulls her hand away, still giggling. For a brief moment, her sweet melody of laughter helps me forget about the embarrassment weighing heavily on my mind.
Her hand reaches for my face once again, her eyes shining with delight as her fingers glide playfully over my cheek. I can't help but return her smile, caught up in her infectious joy. But as the laughter dies down and silence fills the room once more, reality crashes back onto me like a tidal wave. I can't avoid him - I have to confront Brandon and come clean about what happened last night being just a result of drinking. But that is a lie.
With a heavy sigh, I reluctantly leave the comfort of the bed and start getting ready for work. Kira follows me around the room, picking things up and tossing them aside. Whoever claimed that the newborn stage was the toughest part of motherhood clearly never experienced the chaos of toddlerhood.
But it’s also interesting, watching my daughter grow from a helpless little baby, who relied on crying to get whatever she needed, to an active toddler who runs around all day full of energy.
"Mama," she says in her adorable baby voice. She is starting to speak more, but only my ears can decipher the words. Gianna, who has been spending more time with her, is slowly catching up. I sink onto the bed and lower myself to Kira's level. My face lights up in a wide grin. "What do you need, sweetheart?"
She giggles and holds out her hand to me. I open her tiny palm and find a piece of something in it, a button I recognize from Brandon’s shirt from last night. How did it get here?
I take the button from my daughter, running a finger over it and thinking. It must’ve gotten stuck in my hair or something. Now I have to return it. My shoulders slack because I really don’t want to. It will take me time to brave up and talk to a man who turned down a kiss from me last night.
Still, I pat Kira’s head. “Thank you, baby.”
Her giggle fills my chest with so much warmth. Kira has such a resemblance to Brandon that I’m surprised no one has figured out she’s his daughter. Mrs. Jackson mentioned once that she reminds her of when Brandon was a baby. I crossed my heart, desperately hoping she wouldn’t playfully ask if he and I had ever been in a relationship. Luckily, she didn’t.
Once I’m done packing, I lift Kira into her carrier. She’s on the taller side like her father and already growing out of it, but I need it if I’m to carry the extra bags I’m bringing along with me.
I squint as I walk out onto the front porch, setting down my bags and using my hand to shield my eyes from the bright sun. It feels especially hot today, with the sun beating down a little stronger than usual.
The walk to the vet clinic will be a struggle with Kira in tow, along with my bags, trying not to melt in the heat. I turn back to lock the door before picking up my belongings and heading out into the blazing sunlight. As I pass by the Jackson cottage, I hear a familiar voice that causes me to quickly turn in its direction.
Brandon is jogging toward me, basically glowing under the morning sun. He’s wearing a short-sleeved shirt that’s showing off his biceps and a pair of shorts. He’s incredibly gorgeous today, the way he always is.
And I am so embarrassed I wish the ground would open wide and swallow me. I think of ignoring him and walking away as fast as my legs and the weight on me can allow, but something tells me he’ll just walk fast enough and catch up with me.
“Hey,” he says with a smile when he stops in front of me. For someone who’s just jogged almost a mile, he’s not sweaty or panting. He’s really fit, and his body holds all the evidence.
“Hey,” I echo. My tongue swipes over my lips. It’s costing me a lot of energy to stop my cheeks from turning red. “What do you want?”
“I spotted you from afar and thought you’ll need some help.” He pauses when his gaze drops to Kira.
She’s intently looking at him, clearly curious at the unfamiliar face. Brandon is staring back at her with much more intensity and curiosity, as if trying to decipher her.
My heart is almost jumping out of my throat. What if he finds out? I mean, Kira looks like what I imagine his female doppelganger would look like.
Kira breaks their intense gaze first, a smile spreading across her face as she looks at Brandon. He mirrors her expression, with the same curling lips and dimpled cheeks. "Hey there, cutie." He turns to me. "Would it be alright if I held her?"
"Of course," I reply.
His fingers gently rub against Kira's and she lets out a joyful laugh. She usually shies away from strangers. It took more than three meetings for her to get used to Gianna, but she’s so easy with Mrs. Jackson, Alessa, and Brandon.
He can't stop gushing about how adorable Kira is. Her tiny nose and bright eyes are enough to make anyone smile. I want to mention that she takes after her father, but I bite my tongue. That would only invite questions about Kira, and I'm not ready for that yet. "Brandon, I appreciate you getting along with Kira, but it's really hot out and I'm exhausted."
He quickly offers to help me with the larger bag containing Kira's supplies. My body tenses as our fingers briefly touch. "I can take that Kira too if you want," he offers eagerly.
I would definitely mind if it were another man, but Brandon is her father, despite not knowing it. I can’t bring myself to deny him spending a little time with her. “I don’t.”
I spend a few moments adjusting the straps of Kira's carrier around Brandon, and then we make our way to the vet clinic. Brandon is too preoccupied with playing peekaboo with Kira to talk to me. They are simply adorable together, and I wish I could capture this moment in a photograph to look at whenever I wanted. Maybe I could even frame it and place it on my nightstand as a cherished memory.
When we arrive at the vet clinic, it is eerily quiet. Mr. White is not there today, leaving only myself, Brandon, and Kira in the building. Kira has already fallen asleep as I carry her into Mr. White's office. Returning to the reception area, I find Brandon still waiting.
"Thank you for your help today," I say awkwardly.
He simply nods in response. The silence that follows is heavy with tension that can be felt in the air between us.
“About last night…” we both begin to say at the same time.
He grins, his perfect set of white teeth flashing. “Ladies first.”
Ladies first be damned. “No, go first.”
He shoves his hands in the pockets of his shorts. “Do you want to talk about last night?”
I feel the embarrassment coat my skin like ice. I don’t want to talk about it, but at the same time, I want to know what he’s thinking and why he turned me down. “Last night was a mistake. I should never have tried to kiss you.”
“I concur,” he responds. “Last night was a mistake, but not because you attempted to kiss me.” I take a seat two chairs away from him. “Why? Did you not enjoy spending time with me?” “It's not that, Anya. It pains me that I didn't kiss you when I desperately wanted to.” His words catch me off guard.
I widen my eyes, then squint inquisitively. “What do you mean?”
“I left two years ago because I had to, but there hasn’t been a single day when I didn’t miss you.”
My mouth opens and closes back up. My chest flutters, and it’s making me nauseous. I feel like he doesn’t know what he is saying. No way Brandon still likes me.
I still like him, that’s a fact. But I’ve always felt it’s because I still have something to remind me of him—Kira.
As much as I want to throw myself at him and hug him to make up for how much I missed him all this time, I don’t. I can’t open up myself like that until I know what he is thinking and what he really wants.
My top priority is finding the right moment and method to tell him about Kira and her true paternity. I don't want any lingering feelings between us to be based on a lie. Plus, he might discover the truth sooner than later, especially now that he has occasional interactions with Kira.
“Does that mean you’re still into me like you were before your deployment?”
He gazes at me with a gentle nod. "Surprisingly, nothing has changed for me. I had planned on searching for you when I returned, but my own personal issues took over and I couldn't bring myself to find you until I felt worthy.”
“Brandon, I don’t know what to make of all this.” My throat tightens with emotion, and no matter how many times I swallow, the lump doesn’t go away. “Things have changed for me now that I’m a mother.”
“Since we’re on the topic of motherhood, are you going to reveal who the father is?” He shifts his gaze down to my hands. “You’re not married, so either you chose to be a single parent or the person who got you pregnant bailed. Which one is it? The former seems less likely.”
“You’re right. I didn’t choose to be a single parent, but you wouldn’t understand even if I tried to explain.”
“Try me.”
With a deep breath, I close my eyes and steel myself to tell him the truth. My heart thunders against my ribcage, its rapid beats a testament to my anxiety. Fear and doubt wash over me like a tidal wave, threatening to drown out any sense of logic or bravery. I am terrified that revealing the truth will change everything between us, and doubtful that he will want to take on the role of father to Kira.
Despite what I have observed so far, Brandon is still just a man. While he may not be the type to escape his responsibilities, there is always a chance that he may falter in the face of such unexpected news. His reactions are unpredictable, and I find myself unsure of how he will respond. But instead of contemplating further, I make a decision: I will test him first before revealing the truth. That way, I can gauge his true intentions and decide the best way to break the news to him. It's a risky move, but at this point, it's the only option I have left.
“Kira’s father doesn’t know about her.” I toy with the hem of my shirt to calm my nerves. “I haven’t told him yet.”
“Why?” he asks with keen interest.
“Because I’m afraid he won’t accept her,” I answer truthfully. I really don’t care where things end with Brandon and me, but the thought of Kira being rejected is something I can’t stand. I would kill for my daughter; I’ll hate myself if I can’t give her all the love she deserves.
Brandon's words hold a hint of seriousness as he speaks, "Only a fool would do that." He pauses for a moment before continuing, "Kira is a very precious girl, and you..." His jaw clenches, his frustration evident. I tilt my head, waiting for him to finish his sentence. "You are..." He takes a deep breath before meeting my eyes with a determined gaze. "Listen closely because I won't repeat myself. Any man would be lucky to have you and Kira in their lives. Scratch that, even I would consider myself lucky to have both of you."
I can't take this seriously, so I let out a small laugh.
Brandon's expression softens and he continues, "No, I'm fucking serious. I won't sit here and listen to you doubt yourself like this. You are perfect, don't ever forget that."