Chapter 3
Captain’s Hall, Freedom
Eden
My brother, Shay, shakes his wet tumble of golden hair like a dog, before grinning at me. “What’s the problem, Dee? Jude’s not here to spank me for spraying water over his marble floors.”
The kitchen is flooded with warm light through the wide, bay window behind the oak table, which looks out over the forested mountains. The table is laid for a delicious breakfast that I was up at dawn to bake.
I’ve added bowls of chopped fruit because Robyn loves fresh fruit, as well as sweet muffins and pastries for Shay.
I’m not sure what D’Angelo will eat. He often skips breakfast.
He’s too busy sleeping, drinking, or brooding.
He does a lot of brooding.
It’s hard to bake with my arm in a sling.
But an obstacle is simply something to overcome.
The vast kitchen’s counters are marble. The high ceilings are vaulted with beams.
The entire bottom floor of our adoptive parents’ tiny house back home in England could fit into this single room.
I’m beginning to get used to this luxury. Shay isn’t.
I don’t think that he ever will.
It freaks him out more than he’ll admit. We know each other, however, in a way that no one else can. He doesn’t need to say it out loud.
I deliberately don’t react to Shay getting water on the floor. It’s always best with my twin.
I’m happy because Shay’s in a good mood.
I’m always happy when he is.
If he needs to burn off some of his energy after the excitement of earning his place in the Bay Rebels, then I’ll let him.
He’s achieved his dream. He’s made the NHL.
Without me.
I force that thought not to show on my face. I’m good at that — hiding my feelings.
I don’t understand most of my tangled feelings anyway. Emotions are confusing.
My twin is identical to me, but our personalities are so different.
Shay’s golden hair tumbles over his sharp cheekbones. His eyes are winter gray. They’re flecked with rich gold. His skin is ice-white, and his nails are painted black.
I frown, when I notice that Shay’s nails are chipped. I’ll paint them later for him. He can never do them properly for himself without smudging them because he jitters around like an excitable dog, whenever a thought pops into his head.
He says that I’m more like an inscrutable cat.
Of course, Shay also doesn’t have tattoos, unlike me. I’ve taken ownership over my body. The ink helped me, when college became overwhelming.
I may be falling in love but I’ll never be possessed by anyone again.
I’m not a thing.
I’m not.
I’m a man.
The ink helps to remind me of that, protecting me, every time that I run my fingers along it.
Black roses wind up both of my forearms with spiky thorns. A phoenix blazes across my back.
Yet I managed to tell Robyn some of the story behind the tattoos. I can talk to her more than I can any other woman.
I’ve been numb for as long as I can remember, but she makes me feel things that I never have before.
I can’t lose that.
I want to feel more…and more…and fucking everything that I can.
I want to experience the same intensity of life that my twin does.
The thin red t-shirt that Shay threw on is clinging to his muscled chest because he’s damp from his shower, and as always with my brother, his jeans are skin-tight.
But then, so’s my black leather trousers and gray t-shirt.
Shay’s athletic with broad shoulders but he’s only six feet tall. Our college coach gave us both such shit, warning us that we’d never be tall enough to play in the NHL.
Joke’s on him, huh?
I hope that Shay becomes the best player in the NHL. Then everyone who hurt and bullied him will see that he’s worthy of their respect.
The best revenge is to move on and become successful.
Shay convinced me that it wasn’t to burn down the college ice rink.
I still think my way would have worked.
Shay’s sprawled on the bench, precariously fidgeting with the vase of orange roses.
I clench my jaw, trying not to rush to stop him.
It’d be the third broken vase this week. But sometimes, Shay needs to break things.
Perhaps, because we’re broken.
Since we traveled from England to America, I’m struggling to learn that I can’t protect him from everything.
Or himself.
Just like he hasn’t been able to protect me. And I don’t expect him to. Except, we have two more people in our corner, when it’s always been us against the world.
Robyn and D’Angelo.
My shoulder aches. I adjust my arm in my sling. When a sharp pain shoots through my chest from my cracked ribs, I force my breathing to become shallow.
The pain eases.
I got my ass kicked out on the ice. But it’s not like I haven’t had worse.
I ignore the throbbing headache and the way that the light hurts my eyes.
I know how to deal with a fucking concussion.
I don’t need to bother the people I love with my shit.
I learned early on not to show pain. It only lets people know your weak spots, where to hurt you better, whether with humiliation, physical, mental, or emotional pain.
Is love a weak spot?
Unfortunately, Shay knows me too well.
He stops nudging at the vase and narrows his eyes. “Are you okay, Dee?”
“Fine.” I lean against the breakfast bar, which runs along the back of the room.
“And that means you are in pain.” Shay bounces to his feet. “Shall I get the meds?”
I shake my head. “I need to hit the gym. It’s making me on edge not to exercise.”
Shay’s smile is like sunshine. “You’re in a sling with cracked ribs and look like a walking bruise but you still want to be in the gym from dawn to dusk. No one can say that you’re not committed. How about I see if I can get more physio sessions booked for you? You know that I’m going to do whatever it takes to make you feel better. What about with Robyn’s brother, Cody? He’s a brilliant bloke. Plus, when you were in hospital, he kicked my ass on every game that we played on my phone. He has skills.”
My eyes dance with amusement. “How hard was that for you to admit?”
Shay dramatically throws his hands over his heart. “My gamer ego may never recover.”
Yet it’s going to be a struggle not to be at Shay’s side on the ice this season.
We played together throughout college and from the moment that our adopted parents took us in and discovered that it was the best therapy for me.
The ice is my voice.
How can I talk now?
Sometimes, it feels like the words are caught in my head. It burns my throat to force them out.
Being trapped in my head has always felt safest. When you’re quiet and simply observe the world, you can learn about it. Sometimes, you can even control it.
Now, if I take the job as D’Angelo’s PA, I’m going to have to risk talking to other people, having them watch and judge me.
My heart beats hard in my chest.
I grit my teeth, grabbing hold of the kitchen counter.
On the other hand, as a PA, I can continue to work for the Bay Rebels. I’ll still be able to attend games, organize the schedules, and be part of the hockey scene.
Everything is worth it to become a staff member.
Everything is worth it to support my brother.
Shay deserves his moment to shoot for the stars.
Perhaps, I’ll find something that I can shine at too.
I pull the SORRY, I WAS THINKING ABOUT CATS mug, which is on the counter, closer toward me by one shaking hand. I warm inside, and my heartbeat slows, when I remember that Robyn singled me out to buy me this gift.
It felt incredible that she only bought one for me.
Plus, cats.
I’d be happy if everything in this house could have cats on it.
Or squirrels.
Would D’Angelo throw a fit, if I told him that I wanted to get a pet?
Would he throw even more of a fit, if he found out that I’ve been sitting at my window each night and allowing a squirrel to visit me, sort of like a pet already?
But then, you should never have wild animals as pets. The squirrel’s more like a nighttime colleague.
Perhaps, he adopted me.
Humans can be pets, I’ve recently discovered. Shay is Robyn and D’Angelo’s.
I take a swig of my tea, which smells softly aromatic and fragrant.
Then I tap a second blue porcelain mug, which is on the counter. “Tea.”
Shay ambles to the counter. “Thanks, Dee. You’re the best.” He takes a long drink. “Perfect. Are you running out of your emergency Earl Grey?”
I look affronted. “No, I carry emergency tea on me at all times. Would you forget to order me chocolate ice cream?”
Shay gives an easy smile. “Never. We have a pact.”
See, the Circle of Twins.
Since we both love Robyn, can we add her?
I’d better check.
I clear my throat. “Do you love Robyn?”
Shay spits out his tea in surprise — wasteful. “If having my tongue in her pussy, moaning her name, and saying I love you, weren’t clear enough clues, Robyn is my fucking world. What do you feel about her?”
I run my hand through my slicked back hair.
I can’t put it into words. I’ve never felt like this before.
I struggle for a moment.
Shay gently nudges my shoulder; I mask my wince. “Don’t worry. There’s no rush. You can date her and work things out however you like. I’ve never had someone who wanted me like this either. I was just the hookup or the…” I don’t miss how his hand tightens around the mug. My heart clenches. “Robyn and Jude want me as a boyfriend. I’m bloody obsessed with them both but I never saw that coming. The strange thing is that they seem obsessed with me too. Who knew that our lives would change this much by taking the risk to come out here to Freedom? We’re so lucky…” Then he catches sight of my sling and blanches. “Fuck, I’m sorry, Dee.”
It isn’t my shoulder that hurts now. It feels like my soul is in flames.
It’s not Shay’s fault. I’ll never let him think that.
He always blames himself. He believes that he deserves to be punished.
I straighten. “Drink your tea before it’s cold.”
Obediently, Shay takes a sip. “Does that mean I’m forgiven for being an insensitive bastard?”
“You’re not. You’re honest like we’ve always been with each other. And we are lucky. Here, I have Robyn. Family. Your happiness.”
Shay throws his arms around me, almost overbalancing. “Thanks, bro.”
I pat him on the back. “Ribs, remember?”
Shay lets go, flushing. “Whoops. I blame the other two for spending so long in bed, rather than being down here kissing or otherwise touching me.”
“They need their time alone as well.”
Shay shrugs. “You’re good at this. You know, giving people space and sharing in a relationship.”
“People aren’t property. I don’t have a hold over Robyn.”
Shay’s expression gentles. “You’re right. I wish her bastard ex had known that.” He drains the rest of his tea, before cautiously asking, “Do you mind if I talk about hockey around you?”
I cross my arms. “I’m living in a house with two hockey players, one of whom is going to become my boss. I’m dating the PR Director of the team. I’m going to need to keep my shit together and deal with it. I can face this.”
“But not alone.” Shay brushes his damp hair back from his eyes. “I can’t wait until the season starts. Training week was incredible. In some ways, bloody torture. But also, I loved pushing myself and having the chance to learn from the best. Coach is tough as fucking nails but incredible at getting the best out of the team. Did you read the list that was sent through this morning of who’s been selected? Atlas, Lucas, Grayson, and Zach… I can’t wait to work with these exceptional athletes. I’m going down to the rink today to fit in some extra practice. I’d live at the rink if I could.”
He”s vibrating with excitement.
“Mum always said that you’d never take off your skates and go to bed in them if you could.”
Shay laughs. “Like a hockey Edward Scissorhands.”
Shay has always been a god on the ice. He’s going to become one of the best players in the NHL.
Deep down, I’ve always known it.
I’ve been playing catch up to his talent like his shadow all my life.
Now, I don’t have to.
It’s brutal. But life is brutal.
I’d allow myself to be hurt or killed, if it meant Shay succeeding.
Isn’t that what brotherly love means?
Also, co-dependency.
But what do therapists know? They’ve never sacrificed everything since they were kids to protect their twin.
When Shay starts to talk about some drama between the players, before moving onto what I call his geek talk on astrophysics, I zone out.
He doesn’t expect me to answer.
The good thing about being the quiet introvert is that people are fine with you listening and nodding occasionally.
My brother’s genius level smart, although he hides it from most people like it’s something to be ashamed about.
I don’t understand his geek talk.
On the other hand, he wouldn’t understand me, if I started talking about my English degree or pulled him into my book club discussions with Robyn.
Last week, Robyn and I chatted about omegaverse romance.
I love the stoic, stern Alphas.
I can relate.
“Don’t you think the best thing about omegaverse is the Omegas’ nests?” Robyn snuggled closer to me on the bed, which we’d turned into our own nest of blankets, books, and chocolates for the evening. “Well, that and the Alphas’ huge knots? Who wouldn’t want to be knotted through a heat for days of wild sex?”
I arched my brow. “Me.”
Robyn looked cute, wearing a long, black t-shirt, which was embroidered on the front with a cat.
The cat peered out of a cup and saucer, above the striped gray words:
KIT- TEA.
It’s a t-shirt that I used to sleep in, until my brother gave it to her. I never took it back because I love the feeling I get deep in my stomach, when I see her wearing it and smell my scent mingled with hers.
Robyn snorted. “I could tell an Omega joke right now but I better…knot.”
I groaned, lowering my head to take a deep breath of her neck. “Do you want to know the best part for me? The way that Alphas love the scent of their fated Omega. The only one who’s their soul mate. Especially, when the Omega is wearing their clothes.”
My eyes darken at the memory. My dick hardens.
I stare across the kitchen, lost in the happy haze that has only one name: Robyn.
Nothing else makes me feel the way that she does.
No one else has the same connection like I’ve known her for years.
“…and then, he took his stick and rammed it right up my…” Shay finishes.
I slam back into my body with a jolt away from my happy place.
“What?” I grab Shay by the shoulders. I focus on him intently. “Who hurt you?”
Shay chuckles. “No one. But I figured that you weren’t listening.”
I flush. “I was…”
“Zoned out?”
I nod, letting my hand slide away from Shay’s shoulder.
Shay hops onto the counter, swinging his legs. “Pay attention. Jude is going to come sweeping into the kitchen any minute to eat the breakfast that you’ve made, before he negotiates your PA contract. We need to talk about that.”
“What’s to talk about?”
“Tut, tut, Dee. You’re as bad as Robyn who signed (without reading it all first), her novel length contract with the Bay Rebels. Look, Jude has been an incredible mentor to me. He’s taken me under his wing, and it’s his one-on-one work on the ice that helped me make the team. No one has made an effort to help me like that before. But you and I are brothers. We stick together. And that means, we’re going to get the best contract for you.”
“Jude looked after me in the hospital,” I admit. “He’s been caring for me and this house, when I couldn’t.”
“He’s a good bloke. He simply likes to hide it.”
“But why has he been helping us?”
Shay tips to the side, slapping his arse. “I have some assets.”
I narrow my eyes. “You’re worth more than your body.”
Shay blushes, avoiding my eye.
“But why care about me? Because I’m your twin?” I persist.
Shay’s gaze snaps to mine.
Why does he look bewildered?
“Because you’re his friend,” Shay answers, simply.
I don’t have friends.
Why’s Shay saying this?
Admittedly, what I have in Captain’s Hall feels like family.
I understand D’Angelo. In some ways, I’m closer in character to him than I am to Shay.
Certainly, in bed.
But friendship…?
I’m not sure I know what that is.
“You and I are each other’s friends,” I say, sternly. “Anyone else wants to break into that, then they need to earn it.”
“Circle of Twins, huh?” Shay swings his legs. “I get it. But Jude already sees you as his friend.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I know. I hope that you will soon. I wouldn’t have laid myself bare (in more ways than one), if I didn’t trust both Robyn and Jude. You know that I’ve told them things about our past that...well, we swore to each other that we’d always keep secret. If you allow yourself to trust them both, then we’re going to find a new home here. Don’t you want that?”
I swallow; my throat is dry. “More than fucking anything.”
Shay nods, suddenly all business.
“So, we go into negotiation on your salary higher than you want or expect,” Shay says like he’s held a dozen CEO jobs, rather than a handful of crappy shop jobs in the weekends and holidays to help pay his way through college. I worked as a cleaner and in kitchen jobs because shop work triggered my social anxiety. The cleaning and kitchens did give me useful skills. “Jude is our friend but he’s going to also become your boss. If he tries to pull rank on you, tell Robyn. Jude won’t want to look bad in front of her. But business is still business. He’ll knock us down, but then, you’ll end up with a good salary anyway. Dad told me that tip.”
“Have you told Mum and Dad yet about making the team?”
“Not yet with the bloody time zone differences. I’m going to call them as soon as they finish their day jobs, you know, catch them before they start their night shifts. It’s going to make their week. Dad was talking about breaking out the Prosecco that they’ve been saving.”
I hate that my parents are still working two jobs.
They sacrificed a lot for both Shay and me: to pay for our time on the rink, our therapy, then to help us through college, even if Shay’s scholarship helped.
Shay can send money back to them, as soon as his new pay comes through. Robyn promises to get him sponsorship deals too.
The dream is that they won’t have to work two jobs anymore.
We’ll buy them a car.
A house.
Except, I won’t be able to.
And that’s more painful than anything.
My weak spot.
Because it’ll be Shay completing that dream alone.
It’s always been Shay and me together, until now.
My gaze hardens because if I negotiate well enough, then I’ll still be able to get a good enough salary as a staff member to send some money back home.
I know how to be frugal. I’ve had to be my entire life.
It’s going to be tough for me to learn to be a PA. I’ll be facing my fears.
Yet it’ll be worth it to support Shay, not be separated, and earn money for my parents.
First, I must find a way to out negotiate D’Angelo.
I straighten my shoulders, tilting up my chin.
If this means going to war, then I’m ready.
I glance around the kitchen. I’ve already laid out everything for breakfast.
It looks perfect.
Why aren’t Robyn and D’Angelo coming down?