Chapter 32
Chapter Thirty-Two
‘Today is a gift that I am grateful to receive,’ said Tom, as he packed up his belongings.
He hadn’t taken much to rehab with him but with all the books he had devoured over the past few weeks, he struggled to zip up his holdall.
The staff at St Luke’s had been fantastic but he was pleased to be saying goodbye to them.
They had been so patient and kind and there were times when he felt that he didn’t deserve their compassion but, finally, he realised that deep down he wasn’t a bad man.
Over the course of his treatment, he had sat beside other broken but hopeful men, just like him.
Some of them had turned to alcohol due to loneliness; some of them still desperately tried to get their hands on a drink because of their addiction.
No matter what everyone’s reasons were for being at St Luke’s, they all had something in common.
They had a problem and were doing the best they could to deal with it.
Tom had finally seen the error of his ways.
For once in his life, he was doing the right thing.
When he had arrived at St Luke’s, Tom felt broken.
His time there had been the biggest rollercoaster of his life as he fought with leaving on the darker days he encountered.
How many times he had wanted to admit defeat.
But finally, he felt as though God had given him a second chance for which he was immensely grateful.
He would never make the same mistake again and was determined not to mess this up.
He owed it to himself and everyone who had given him so much support.
This time he was going to live his life to the full and do good in the world, without ever touching a drop of alcohol again.
Pat was kind enough to pick Tom up from rehab to take him home.
Tom was tempted to ask him to swing by St Peter’s on the way, but he knew that he would have to do this properly.
This part of his plan couldn’t be rushed.
He thought of the white shirt back home that he wanted to wear when he would approach Clara.
Tom had seen the way she looked at him when he wore it at the museum and when she saw him next, he wanted to look his best once again.
He already felt less bloated than when he had arrived at rehab.
His face was less puffy now and he cringed at the thought of her seeing him in that state before.
Tom had always been clean-shaven and prided himself on his appearance and couldn’t wait for a long hot bath and a shave, along with a much-needed haircut.
He would go to one of those Turkish barbers that had sprung up in the city and have a little pampering before he surprised her.
Tom had a plan in his mind, although he was concerned that she might slam the door in his face.
Still, he felt it was worth a try; after all, he hadn’t come this far to give up that easily.
Tom realised that he was already daydreaming before he had left rehab. However, instead of those terrible flashbacks that he used to have in the past, he noticed they had been replaced by happy memories of the days he spent with Clara.
Before he could see her again though, Tom needed to sign some papers agreeing that he was ready to leave. Confidently, he scrawled his name across the bottom of the paper. He was more than ready to head home.
‘I mean it in the nicest possible way, but I hope I don’t ever see you again,’ said Mike, one of the support staff who often comforted him.
‘You won’t. I can assure you,’ said Tom as he tapped Mike’s shoulder.
‘I believe it. I can see the determination. Now, what must you remember?’
‘I am in full control of my actions and decisions.’
‘Nice one. Good luck for the future, mate.’
Tom breathed in the fresh air as he walked outside with his bag. It felt great to be alive and to be in recovery – for good this time.
After all the work he had done through therapy, mindfulness and being consistent in his determination to recover, he already felt different.
While the birds chirped in the trees of the car park, it was as though a weight had been removed from his shoulders.
He too was as free as a bird. He still had relationships to fix, such as the ones with Clara and Josh, but as he’d had it drilled into him enough times: he had to take things step by step.
One day he hoped he and Josh might resolve their differences but that was something for the future.
For now, he had to get home and work on a resolution with Clara.
* * *
Stuffing the clothes that she wouldn’t need urgently into her suitcase, Clara took a second glance at the summer dress she wore on that first coffee date with Tom. She wondered how so much could have happened in one summer.
Brushing her hand along the cotton dress, she pictured herself back at the café overlooking the river.
She asked herself if she would have gone on the date had she known what she later discovered.
Clara wasn’t one to have regrets so she decided that, despite it not working out, she had enjoyed her time with Tom and would do it all over again, although perhaps not the part where she found him collapsed.
* * *
Tom sat on his sofa, relieved to finally be back home.
The first thing he was going to do was hoover the place.
Clara had cleared up most of the mess but it was time for a good spring clean.
He looked at the spiderweb above the stereo and realised how much he had neglected his home, just as he had his mental health.
As he looked at the Fleetwood Mac LP cover that he had dumped on the floor that night he ended up in hospital, he felt a wave of shame.
Then he reminded himself that he was moving forward and it was time to stop beating himself up.
The moment he walked through the front door, he was resolute that he had become the best version of himself. A changed man.
It was no surprise that he had never invited Clara over.
He knew his home needed sprucing up, yet didn’t quite have the enthusiasm to clean so that he could invite her over.
He was determined that he would start entertaining more.
He suddenly remembered that Darren at choir had invited him out for a meal with the other choristers and he hadn’t bothered to respond.
He would make amends and maybe even suggest he do a curry night at home.
Tom started to make plans and decided he was going to get the house spick and span.
Not to mention making sure that he looked his best too.
Before he started on all his jobs though, he made himself a coffee.
Looking out of the kitchen window as he waited for the kettle to boil, he caught a badger scurrying into the hedgerow.
He smiled to himself. He was happy to be sober as he recognised that he no longer needed his emotions to be numbed, because he finally realised that not all emotions were bad. Some were absolutely wondrous too.