Chapter 33
Chapter Thirty-Three
Clara didn’t have to get to chapel until the afternoon.
For once, there was nothing to prepare and no emails to respond to, so she could take the morning off at leisure.
Since another of the things that she would miss about Oxford was her favourite artisan bakery, she decided she would take her bicycle across town and pick up a sourdough loaf before they all sold out.
She threw on her jogging bottoms in her hurry to beat the competitive customers and hoped nobody would see her.
On a mission, she ran into the bakery with its smell of freshly baked bread oozing out from the ovens, grabbed her loaf and hurried back home.
She had a jar of Janet’s homemade marmalade in the pantry and couldn’t wait to smother it on a slice of the warm bread.
Clara knew it was Murphy’s law that you could guarantee everyone would see you at the shops when you hadn’t made an effort, so she was delighted to arrive back home without having been spotted.
She was about to slice off a piece of bread when the doorbell rang.
Clara assumed it must be Julie and before answering, ran through a range of scenarios that she could be complaining about.
She always found it was helpful to have an answer ready for her, rather than making an excuse for some terrible misdemeanour on the spot.
She hadn’t made the mistake of leaving the bin within an inch of its proper space again, so it couldn’t be that.
Clara had slammed a door accidentally when the window was open, but surely her ears weren’t that good.
Perhaps it was a positive visit. Was she coming over with a leaving gift?
As Clara opened the door to a pair of legs and the biggest display of red roses she had ever seen, she immediately sneezed.
Recovering, she was faced again with the pair of legs that looked as though they were holding the weight of this giant bouquet; Clara couldn’t help but laugh at the spectacle in front of her.
She had seen many floral displays in the church at weddings and special services but she had never seen anything quite this spectacular in bouquet form.
For a second, she wondered if it had been sent from the whole congregation and assumed they may have all clubbed together to buy such an enormous bouquet.
But then a face peeped out from behind the flowers.
Instinctively, her tummy did somersaults and her pulse raced.
‘Tom.’
‘Hello, Clara.’
For a moment they both stood on the doorstep looking at each other. Tom couldn’t help but stare as he was so delighted by the sight of Clara again. All the words he imagined he would say refused to come out as he admired her.
Clara, meanwhile, couldn’t help but think how healthy he looked and how clear it was that rehab had done Tom the world of good.
‘My goodness. Wow. I wasn’t expecting you, Tom.’
Clara smoothed down her hair, vehemently regretting the fact that she was still in her trusty jogging bottoms that sagged at the bum. She told herself she would be fine as long as she didn’t have to turn around.
‘I wanted to pop over with a little something to apologise for all that I’ve done.’
Tom attempted to hand over the bouquet but there wasn’t room for a bulky bouquet and Clara in her narrow doorway, and so a barrage of rose petals hit her in the face. It made her sneeze once again. Her voice was slightly muffled by the flowers as she tried to speak to Tom.
‘Please don’t stand on the doorstep. Do you want to come in?’ she asked.
‘I’d love to.’
Tom followed Clara into the kitchen where she searched for a vase while trying to tighten up the string on her jogging bottoms. Most of her vases were already packed and ready to go to Cambridge, so finding one was proving tricky.
‘Maybe I should pop the flowers in the sink for now. Can I get you a coffee?’
‘I’d absolutely love one, thank you.’
Clara was too nervous to fiddle with the percolator and found her hand unsteady as she heaped the coffee into one of the few mugs that weren’t wrapped up in newspaper.
‘So,’ said Clara sitting down opposite Tom at the kitchen table.
‘So,’ said Tom with a smile.
Clara played with her mug, tracing the design of the butterfly with her finger. She normally had a conversation for any occasion but today she didn’t know what to say.
‘How have you been doing?’ she said, eventually.
‘Great. I’m doing a lot better now. I learned so much about myself while I was in there.’
‘Wonderful. I’m glad to hear that, Tom.’
‘I want you to know that I can’t apologise enough for putting you through all of that.
I’m still embarrassed. Utterly mortified, actually.
I know I need to do more than bring around a fancy bouquet and that’s not nearly enough after what I’ve put you through, but I wanted you to know that I don’t blame you for not visiting me.
Why would you want to see me? I didn’t want to be around myself!
You were right to stay away and the thought of getting better, so I could come and see you, is what kept me going. ’
Tom took a breath and laid his hand against his breastbone.
‘Honestly, had you visited, perhaps I’d have thought you’d stick around regardless of my behaviour.
But I knew you meant business; you wouldn’t put up with someone like me.
I’m glad you showed me that. It made me realise that if I wanted the woman I was falling in love with I’d have to fight for her, and that meant fighting for myself first.’
She was surprised by his admission. It was the first time a man had ever shown any serious interest in her.
‘Thanks for explaining that. I’m really flattered. I just wish you’d have told me from the start about your problem. There were so many times I almost ordered you a drink, or assumed you’d want one. If I’d have known maybe things could have been different between us.’
‘I should have told you and that was my mistake. There were so many times I went to open my mouth and explain but I didn’t want to scare you away.
What we had was too good to spoil. I kept wanting to tell you but then we’d have the perfect day again and again and how could I spoil it?
Plus, if I’m being honest with you, I was terrified.
You’re the only good thing to happen to me in a very, very long time, and if you’d have known the truth about me .
. . Well . . . I still managed to push you away by keeping it from you.
It was so stupid of me and I’m so sorry. ’
Clara nodded. He certainly did push her away but as he sat in her living room, she saw a glimmer of the old Tom she thought she knew. He appeared to be genuinely repentant.
‘I came here today to see if you would consider us trying again. Clara, you’re the most special woman I’ve ever met. We had such fun times together. What we had is too good to lose.’
‘It was good, yes. I’m glad you felt the same. It’s just, so much has happened between us since we had those carefree days when we seemed to have everything on our side. I’m not sure we can get back to where we were.’
‘I know, but please understand that I felt as though I didn’t deserve such an amazing woman.’
The tears welled up as Tom looked at Clara. All those emotions that she had tried to bury and the disappointment of what he had done resurfaced as she looked at him. She didn’t know what to think, but she did know how much she had missed this man.
As they made eye contact, Tom desperately wanted to hold her.
‘Could we have a hug?’
‘Absolutely.’
Tom stood up and held Clara. It felt so good to have her in his arms again. He could have cradled her forever.
‘Oh, Tom. I’ve missed your hugs.’
‘I’ve missed your hugs too and everything else we had. Look at us – we’d be foolish to lose this.’
‘I know, but I’m afraid it’s a bit too late. I’ve got something important to tell you.’
She was unsure how to break the news to him.
‘Have you met someone else?’ Tom’s eyes widened. He had lost so much in his life but losing Clara would be too much to bear.
‘No, Tom. Goodness, no. I’m leaving. I’m moving to Cambridge.’
Tom’s composure surprised her as she watched the relief spread across his face.
‘Yes, you’re moving to King’s College. I know all about that.’
‘Really?’ Clara wondered if he had been in touch with someone from the chapel but then remembered the newspaper article.
‘I guess it’s no secret. I’m glad you know.’
‘Yeah. That’s what spurred me on to get better. I had to get out before you left.’
‘I had no idea. All this time I assumed you didn’t know.’
‘I knew. That’s why I had to see you again. It doesn’t change anything for me. I still want to be with you.’
Tom looked down and played with the corner of the table.
‘But it’s too late for us, Tom. I’m heading off for a new start.’
Clara thought of all the preparation she had done for her new role. She was practically packed and ready to go. This was not what she was expecting at the eleventh hour and, as lovely as it was to see him, this felt like a mighty big spanner in the works.
‘I can come with you. I’ll happily move to Cambridge if it means us being together.
I don’t have anything here to stay for. You’re all I want.
The only thing that matters is that we are together, wherever we are.
It could be on the moon for all I care. And, for the record, if you did ask me to move to the moon to be with you, I would.
I’d do anything for you, Clara. Absolutely anything. ’
Clara could see that the look in Tom’s eyes was genuine as he pleaded with her from across the table.
Tom sitting opposite her having such a candid conversation brought all her feelings back.
How she had tried to persuade herself she didn’t miss him, but deep down she had craved Tom every single day.
Now he was offering to leave his home and go anywhere with her.
This was so unexpected. She was all set to go alone to Cambridge.
Did she want to move there as part of a couple?
It sounded wonderful, but it was also too soon to commit to something so big when he had just left rehab, no matter how fond she was of him.
Tom picked up on her doubts as she nodded her head.
‘I get that a move like this would be a big commitment for us. But just so you know, I don’t mean that I would want us to live together.
I could get my own place nearby. I want to be close to you, that’s all.
I will completely understand if that’s not something you want at this stage. Obviously, I hope it is though.’
‘Oh, Tom. You couldn’t have timed this worse if you’d tried.’
Tom gave Clara a rueful smile. ‘I’ve never been known for my timing, I admit. All I’m asking is if you could please have a think about it.’
‘I’m most flattered. I promise I’ll have a think about it.’
Tom’s face lit up. Seeing him smile again brought back such happy memories of being together. She felt the least she could do was consider his proposal.
‘You promise?’
‘I promise.’
What a ride this relationship had been. They’d had their moments, but she would never have expected that they would be sat in her kitchen having this discussion when he asked her out on that first date.
‘I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, and a lot has happened between us in the time that we have, but I’ve never felt this strongly about anyone. You make me feel complete.’
Clara knew exactly what he meant as she felt the same. Even though she never admitted it to herself, she felt as though a piece of her was missing when they had been apart.
‘You make me feel complete too, Tom.’ Clara smiled.
‘I’m glad to hear that. I really am. Although, there’s one more final thing you need to know. There’s something I need to talk to you about but it has to be the right place. Not here.’
Clara stroked the prominent beauty spot on her arm. It was something her mother had always told her to stop doing when she was young, but it seemed to comfort her now as she hesitated. She’d had enough surprises for one day. What else did Tom want to tell her?
‘Is there any chance we could go for a walk along the river tomorrow? Just like we did before. For old times’ sake. There’s something I have to share with you. It’s really important.’
‘If it’s important to you, then why not?’
‘I promise you won’t regret it. I’ll meet you at our usual spot at lunchtime if that works.’
‘Okay. I’ll be there.’
Tom knew that what he needed to do next wasn’t going to be easy, but nothing he had done so far to win the hand of his fair maiden had been straightforward.
If they were to have any chance of a future, the time had come to be truly honest. That meant laying all the cards on the table, including the truth about what led to him and Josh becoming estranged, something he had never told a single soul before.