Chapter 35
Chapter Thirty-Five
A painted lady butterfly fluttered between Clara and Tom, then landed on the edge of the picnic rug.
Tom watched it as it took a break before flying off again.
Part of him felt like flying off too, but he wasn’t a coward.
He was going to say it as it was. He needed to get this conversation with Clara over with so that she could truly understand what he had done.
‘So, where should I start?’
‘Wherever you want to, Tom. I’m all ears.’
Tom rubbed at the back of his neck, and Clara noticed how he bit at his lip. She worried that it would bleed if he bit down any harder.
‘Okay . . . so, my son and I had always been close. I taught him to play cricket. To ride a bike without stabilisers. We’d go fishing at the weekend but that all stopped around a year before Diana left.
I tried to be a good dad, I really did, but it didn’t work out like that.
Before I tell you what I did, you have to understand that I’d lost my job; I had absolutely nothing left but desperation. ’
‘Right. I get you were down on your luck. You were obviously going through a tough time. What exactly happened?’
‘Before I go on, I want you to know that I don’t actually remember doing this . . . Also, I’ve never done anything like it before or after.’ Tom drank from the glass of Shloer that was quickly being emptied.
‘I can’t believe I’m saying this out loud. You’re the only person I’ve ever told the whole truth to. Even Pat doesn’t know the full story.’
‘I’m grateful to you for being so honest, Tom. That truly means a lot.’
So many scenarios went through Clara’s head. She had heard all sorts of stories in her lifetime but she had no idea where Tom was about to take her.
‘I never thought I’d stoop this low but my son and his mother came to see me, as Josh had received his credit card bill.
They were both screaming at me. In fact, they were both shouting at me so much I couldn’t quite grasp what they were saying at first. I’d also been drinking since morning so it was all a bit fuzzy.
But, basically, someone had run up thousands on Josh’s credit card at Bargains for Booze.
I argued that one of his mates must have stolen his credit card.
Why would it be anything to do with me? Of course, they didn’t believe that.
Josh also remembered that his credit card was out on the table when he stayed over.
He’d done some online shopping and, being the messy youngster he is, left his card out. ’
‘So, are you saying what I think you are?’
‘I am. I am ashamed to say that I stole my own son’s credit card so I could spend thousands on booze. Yes, that’s right. I stole from my own son. The boy I loved so much. How low can you possibly stoop?’
Clara may have seen addiction cause all sorts of problems, but looking at Tom with his clear skin and perfect smile, it proved how you could never stereotype an addict.
This middle-class, trustworthy accountant had never done anything illegal, or immoral in his life, until he was gripped by alcohol dependency.
She tipped her head compassionately to one side. ‘You obviously weren’t thinking straight.’
‘Too right I wasn’t. The thing is that, truthfully, I didn’t care who I hurt when I was drinking.
All I cared about was that hit. When I sobered up, I was horrified.
How could I forgive myself? After I did this terrible thing to Josh, I checked myself into rehab the first time around and that’s when I met Pat.
I realised how low I’d sunk. I knew I needed help. ’
‘Did you tell Josh you were in rehab?’
‘Yup. I wrote to him and said how sorry I was and that I was seeking help, but he didn’t reply.
I asked him to come and see me so that I could apologise, but instead, I got a letter from Diana telling me never to darken their door again.
That if I dared get in touch with Josh again, they’d organise a restraining order. ’
‘Oh dear.’
‘So, when you wouldn’t visit me and didn’t respond to me from rehab, it wasn’t the first time I’d been snubbed,’ said Tom, giving Clara a wry smile.
‘Oh, Tom. I’m sorry but I thought it was for the best for us both to not get in touch. And I still think it was the right decision.’
‘Yes, you were right to do that, as I said last night. It made me all the more determined.’
‘I suppose what I don’t get is what happened this time around.
I can kind of understand what you did the first time.
You made a big mistake and paid the price, but I don’t get why you fell off the wagon.
I thought we were happy together. You had choir and your faith.
Everything was going right for you now.’
‘Yes. My faith was what got me through the first time. It was the twelve steps through AA that was my route to becoming a Christian later in life.’
‘Right. That makes sense. So, you asked God to remove your shortcomings and sought help through prayer and meditation?’
‘You got it. I repeat the steps daily and know them all off by heart. You see – “To improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.”’
‘Impressive. But I still don’t get why you started drinking again?’
‘I didn’t deal well with Josh’s twenty-first and that’s all it boiled down to.
I always imagined when he was small what we would do on his twenty-first. Maybe a party, a family holiday?
Instead, we were estranged and I couldn’t even say happy birthday to him for fear of a restraining order. I hated myself. It was all my fault.’
Tom stopped for a moment. He felt like the weight had been lifted off his shoulders now that he had told the woman he loved the whole truth. There were no more secrets and Clara hadn’t run away yet.
‘Oh, Tom. I guess your wife leaving you was the final straw for what was already becoming an addiction. Nobody knows how they’ll react in terrible circumstances unless they’ve been through that situation. I suppose that was merely the catalyst for you.’
‘Yeah, I lost my wife because of my behaviour, and so now I felt I didn’t deserve your love either.
For the first time since our break-up, I adored someone.
I fell so hard for you that it terrified me.
What if I messed up? What if we fell head over heels, which, let’s face it, was where I knew I was heading.
What if you left me because I was so flawed?
If you somehow found out that I was a thief and an alcoholic?
Who would want to stay with someone like that?
So, I got scared. I doubted myself. I felt I wasn’t worthy.
That’s what I’ve worked on in rehab. I finally realised that, as you said yourself, I have paid the price.
My son won’t speak to me and I pushed the woman I was falling in love with away.
I’ve had enough punishment and now I feel it’s time for me to start living and loving life.
The truth is that all I want is to be with you. ’
Clara’s heart swelled with pride. She couldn’t help admire the way he had overcome the adversity and begun to love himself again.
She had always believed that you had to love yourself first before you could find love.
She felt that this is where she might have gone wrong in her relationships, or lack of them.
She didn’t care enough for herself. She knew that instead of looking after her own well-being, she always put everyone in front of her own needs.
That cliché about putting on your own oxygen mask first was wasted on Clara.
She had always been the type of person to help everyone else with their oxygen masks and only putting hers on when she was struggling to breathe.
‘I really do appreciate you telling me all of this. I know how hard it must have been for you. It’s nowhere near the same but I know how hard it is to change.
I mean, I’ve lived here all my life, never doing anything exciting.
I just take the path of least resistance.
It’s so easy to stay in your comfort zone.
Perhaps that’s why I haven’t ever had any serious relationships.
I was too afraid. All of us have our problems, even if they’re not obvious to the outside world. ’
She felt that Tom didn’t need to know how she had never been paid much attention by men.
They always preferred bubbly, fun Eleanora with her long dark hair and those striking green eyes.
Although she never minded one bit as this took the focus off Clara who could stay as a wallflower, safely in the background.
Tom took Clara by the hand.
‘I can’t imagine you being afraid of anything. You’re so confident. You’re one of those women who seem to have life sussed out. As though you always have all the answers. You’re so gregarious.’
Clara let out one of her loud honking laughs.
‘Oh, Tom. That’s so funny. Do you really think that?
It’s all a bit of an act, I’m afraid. When I’m at the pulpit I take on this persona.
Sometimes, when I first get up there, I pretend I’m an actress, vying for a part in Hollywood.
Then I look around and see the friendly faces and realise I have nothing to be afraid of.
But do you know how nerve-wracking it is to have this sea of faces waiting for you to speak, listening to every word you say?
Somehow though, when I’m in work I can distance myself and be more confident because it’s like I’m playing a role.
It’s when I’m outside and in the real world that I’m filled with doubt, especially when it comes to the opposite sex. ’
‘I can’t believe that. You certainly seem very natural when you’re with me. I’d never have thought that.’
‘That’s the strange thing. You’re the only man I’ve ever met who’s made me feel comfortable being around. You don’t scare me, or make me afraid of putting my foot in it. From the moment we met, I felt safe around you. If this were a cheesy movie, I’d say it was as if we’d met in a former life.’
‘I’m glad to hear that because I feel exactly the same way. I want you to know that I’d only ever cherish you.’
Clara leaned in to give Tom a hug, then pulled away because she hadn’t quite finished what she needed to tell him.
‘You know, I once read that the person who gives you butterflies and makes you nervous to be around isn’t the right one; even though it feels exciting and your adrenaline is pumping.
No. The person you should be with is the one who makes you feel special.
The one who makes you feel serene, and you do just that, Tom.
I know we’ve had a bit of a scare but I think I’m ready to embrace the two of us. Let’s give it a go.’
‘You’ll give me a proper chance, even after everything I’ve told you? Seriously?’ Tom’s eyes filled with tears, relieved at the thought of Clara’s forgiveness.
‘Seriously!’ said Clara with a big smile.
‘Oh, Clara. I couldn’t want anything more. I was beginning to believe that you wouldn’t want to be around someone like me. Someone who sometimes didn’t even like what he saw in the mirror.’
‘It’s not always easy to love yourself. I have my moments myself.’
‘Why would you not love yourself? Look at you, you’re practically perfect.’
She let out one of her uproarious laughs. ‘Oh, Tom. If only.’
‘You are. I wish you saw what I see when I look at you.’
Clara felt her cheeks go warm, a combination of the sun and Tom’s gaze.
‘I guess it started during my childhood. I always tried to please my mother. As much as I loved her, I often felt as though I wasn’t good enough. She was like a Stepford wife, I guess. She was beautiful, good at everything, and I was too clumsy and gangly growing up to ever be like her.’
‘You, Clara, are neither clumsy nor gangly.’
Accidentally proving her point, she flung her arm out as she was about to speak and knocked her glass of Shloer all over the picnic rug.
‘You see what I mean.’
They laughed together as they both gathered tissues to clear up the mess, their hands meeting.
Tom’s eyes looked deep into Clara’s and despite the pile of napkins in their hands, he leaned over to kiss her. Clara moved to get closer, finding herself on a wet patch on the blanket.
‘Oh no, I’ve got a soggy bottom.’
‘You sound like someone from Great British Bake Off,’ joked Tom.
‘Well, I’ll have you know that plenty of people have suggested I go on there and do my famous Victoria sponge.’
‘You should. You’d be perfect for it. You’ve got winner written all over you.’
‘I don’t think I’ve ever won anything. Clara Bennett isn’t a winner in life; that’s for sure.’
‘You’re a winner to me.’
Tom leaned over to kiss Clara and, as they rolled onto the picnic rug and kissed, she didn’t care what mess the picnic blanket was in because all she wanted was to enjoy this feeling.
Clara could hardly bear to tear herself away from him, but there was one last thing she needed to tell him.
She held his face in her hands and looked at him. ‘Time for my confession.’
Tom looked at her, worried for a moment. ‘Go on.’
‘I love you, Tom Hartley.’
She said it quietly at first. Then she moved her face away from his and shouted it again for the whole world to hear.
‘And I love you, Reverend Clara Bennett,’ shouted Tom, even louder.
Then the gentle sound of the birds in the trees and the rustling of a rabbit hiding in the hedge faded away as Clara and Tom passionately kissed each other on the picnic blanket, where they felt like the only two people in the universe.