Chapter 36
Chapter Thirty-Six
Worried parents were starting to drop off their young adults and Clara felt the usual joy as she witnessed new students starting to pour into the lodges of the colleges and the young people who were already established moving up and heading into their final year.
It could be safely said that it was one of her favourite times of year.
Usually, at this time, she would be making plans with Professor Binton for student evenings so they could familiarise themselves with how she could help them.
Some years she had put on a quiz or a movie night, and had even brought them along some of her delicious chilli con carne, not only to prove how approachable she was but to ensure they had a good meal inside them too.
She would then tell everyone how welcome they were, whether or not they followed religion.
Clara wanted to be a listening ear and a friendly face for those who might be encountering their first time away from home, and encouraged them to confide in her if they were ever in trouble.
She knew how the students often got the fifth-week blues and that’s when she would plan the events to try and cheer them up.
Only this year, she would be gone by the fifth week.
Instead of warmly welcoming everyone, she was wrapping things up.
She wouldn’t see how the final-year students got on and would miss their graduation.
Of course, when she was feeling positive, she reminded herself that she would get to meet wonderful new students, but still, something in the pit of her stomach didn’t feel right.
Leaving the life that she had built in Oxford seemed ridiculous when she had never felt happier.
It was too late to back out though, since Lawrence was now interviewing for Clara’s replacement.
Even if she wanted to stay, she couldn’t.
Clara could tell that Lawrence was particularly enamoured by one of the candidates.
Stephen had previously worked at Canterbury Cathedral and came with glowing references.
Lawrence had interviewed three potential replacements before Stephen, and Clara hadn’t seen any of them.
It seemed Stephen’s interview was different, and Clara was even asked if she would pop in and have a chat with him.
‘Clara, I’d like you to meet Stephen. I thought it might be nice for you to have a talk with him. Tell him about the job you do.’
Stephen smiled at her enthusiastically, but all Clara could feel was a pang of jealousy.
The emotion surprised her. She was voluntarily leaving to go to bigger and better things in the form of a promotion supposedly, yet here she was looking at Stephen with envy.
In a few weeks’ time, he could potentially be doing the job she loved in the church she adored.
He would get to know all her favourite members of the congregation and she would be a former employee.
Clara tried to sound joyful as she told Stephen about all the wonderful things she did each day but it was difficult watching him act so positive, so hopeful he would get her position.
Lawrence invited Stephen to stay for the evening’s service so that he could get a further idea of what would be in store. He may as well have offered him the job on the spot, thought Clara.
It was a big night for the church as everyone gathered for Clara’s penultimate service at Oxford.
Sometimes, Clara cheated when she put her cassock on and managed to squeeze into it by only undoing some of the buttons.
Tonight though, she wanted to make sure she buttoned up each and every one of the thirty-nine buttons and said her prayers.
She also added in an extra prayer before entering her beloved chapel for one of the last times.
‘Please, God, let me make the right decision. Why do I feel like I’m making a mistake? Lord, please help me.’
She raised her head up high and sighed. It was too late to back out.
She felt that familiar nervousness as she walked down the aisle and prepared to take centre stage.
She was more apprehensive than usual this time and it wasn’t because her time was coming to an end, or due to Stephen watching her, nor the students who had arrived early for term.
It was Tom’s return to church and he had confided in her how worried he was about the response to him coming back.
He was concerned that people would think he had left the choir in the lurch and behaved irrationally.
However, he had nothing to worry about following his sudden hiatus and Tom was overwhelmed by the welcome he was greeted with.
In fact, he couldn’t ever remember feeling like he belonged somewhere more.
He regretted that he had let the choir down, but remembered the work he had done on himself.
It wasn’t a time to have regrets but instead embrace the good times.
The congregation members and fellow choristers were thrilled to see him back. They missed that beautiful voice of his and fortunately didn’t ask any questions about where he had been.
Clara scanned around the chapel as she looked for Tom.
She smiled over at him as Roy began to play the organ, and Tom gave her a cheeky wink that nobody noticed.
She spotted Margaret, Brian, Janet, Charles and Professor Binton in the crowded church and ruminated on how much she adored them all.
As they started singing tonight’s biblical canticle, she heard Tom’s voice bellow out amid the choir.
That feeling of belonging tugged on her heart once again.
By the end of the evening, Clara was relieved that another successful sermon had been completed and the whole congregation were rapturous.
Clara cleared her throat for her final words of the night.
‘One last thing, before we head off for the evening – I wanted to remind you all that it will be my final service next Sunday. I hope to see as many of you as possible.’
She watched as the people on the front pews nodded their heads. She knew that they wouldn’t let her down.
‘In the meantime, please do join us at the back of the chapel for drinks.’
While Clara was chatting to the familiar faces after the service, Tom approached with a big smile. She couldn’t help but touch the small of his back to indicate for him to come closer and join in with the conversation. After all, they were a proper couple now and it was time for everyone to know.
‘Brian, you know my boyfriend Tom, don’t you,’ said Clara. It was the first time she had said the word “boyfriend” in public. It felt strange but it also felt right.
‘I do indeed and, if I may say, you two were made for each other,’ said Brian with a big grin.
‘I’m glad you think so,’ said Clara.
‘It’s a great pity you’re leaving just as Tom’s put such a big smile on your face. How’s that going to work with you heading to Cambridge?’ asked Margaret.
Always the one to say it as it was, she might have guessed Margaret would be the person to ask that question.
The truth was that Clara didn’t really know herself.
They had spoken long into the night about how they would manage the distance with Tom reassuring her that he was happy to do whatever she wanted.
The fact was that Clara hadn’t decided what she wanted to do herself, so how could she possibly ask Tom to give up life in Oxford when she had such cold feet?
‘I’m sure we’ll work something out, won’t we, Tom?’
‘Yes, indeed. I’ll follow her if I have to. How could I let such a wonderful woman leave me, hey?’
‘No, you don’t want to let this one slip through your fingers. She’s quite the catch. You’re a lucky man,’ said Margaret, before losing her train of thought and asking who Stephen was.
‘I think he’s going to be my replacement,’ said Clara sadly.
‘Oh, how terrible. He’s probably a very nice man but I do like having a woman as my reverend,’ said Margaret.
‘That’s very kind of you. Although I’m certain Stephen – if he gets the position – will do a stellar job.’
His ears must have been burning as he hurried over.
‘You were great, Clara. I enjoyed that very much. I do hope I’ll be half as good as you if I am to get the position,’ he said, in earshot of Lawrence.
She couldn’t help feel cynical and wonder if he wanted brownie points. She scolded herself. Since when was she so mean?
‘Fingers crossed you get the position. I’m sure Lawrence will let you know soon.’
‘I hope so. I’ve already fallen in love with the place. It’s just exquisite here. I can’t believe you’d give this place up.’
‘To be honest, neither can I, Stephen.’
The last thing she needed reminding of was what a wonderful place she had the honour of working in. She sighed. As her departure date drew closer, saying goodbye was becoming more and more difficult.
To rub salt into her wounds, the next morning, Lawrence was over the moon to inform Clara that he had settled on her replacement.
‘As you might have guessed, Stephen was the successful applicant for your position.’ He beamed.
‘Ah, yes. I assumed so. He did seem to get the special treatment.’
‘Well, he was the perfect candidate. I know he’ll get along very well here.’
‘I’m sure he’ll love it just as much as I always have.’
Lawrence was too busy making plans for Stephen’s induction to notice the hint of sadness in Clara’s voice.
‘Isn’t it incredible that he doesn’t have a notice period either. He’s in between positions, so he can start next week. I thought perhaps you could show him the ropes.’
‘Of course, I’d be delighted to.’
Clara tried to hide the selfish feeling she had of how easily she had been replaced and tried to tell herself yet again that it was her decision.
She went along with the application for Cambridge and nobody had twisted her arm.
It was all part of her plan to embrace change.
But now it was quickly becoming a decision she bitterly regretted.
She rode her bicycle home fast and furiously, weaving around the alleyways and under the arches of the city.
She rang her bell as she flew around corners, knowing that she should slow down but didn’t want to.
The wind was in her hair and she needed to think.
She passed her favourite carved herm that reminded her of The Merchant of Venice on the northern perimeter of the Sheldonian Theatre.
She had a superstition about it and would always nod her head to the emperor bust. It wouldn’t be right if she didn’t acknowledge it.
She’d heard stories of how the heads of Oxford spoke to each other in the dark of night.
She would love to believe the tales were true but brushed them off as a magical myth.
The carving reminded her that she would no longer be passing it or nodding at it any longer.
It annoyed her that she couldn’t focus on the new experiences she would have instead of what she was saying goodbye to.
When Clara passed the Radcliffe Camera, and admired the beauty of the neoclassical building, she felt the tears running down her cheeks.
She remembered the years she studied theology and how much she used the library.
The Gladstone Link wasn’t open in those days but it was still just as charming in there.
In a way, this was where it all started as Clara remembered poring over Pauline literature and the Reformation papers, being determined to succeed.
She desperately wanted to be good at something finally and make her parents proud.
The fresh air had given her clarity. She knew in her heart that she didn’t want to leave. She wanted to stay in Oxford with her friends and the places she knew so well. She also wanted to stay with the man she loved.
By the time Clara pulled into the path at home, all she felt was despair. She had given in her notice, had already been replaced, and told King’s College she would be taking the position. What a mess she had made of everything.