Chapter 31
T he sunlight was weak but bright enough to rouse her from sleep. Immediately, she felt the effects of a poor night’s sleep: her head felt as though it were being constricted by a thick rubber band, her mouth felt as dry as the sand she stood on the day before and a general fogginess surrounded her. Insomnia had plagued her, thoughts of the day just passed resounding in her head. The conversation with Alfie had not gone as she’d have liked – she still hadn’t decided conclusively what she wanted, and it was obvious in her mind that she still had feelings for him; feelings which were undoubtedly very strong. She couldn’t get the thoughts out of her head she’d regularly had over Christmas; about the kiss they’d shared and how close they had grown in such a short space of time. She’d dared to dream of them becoming a couple, living together, spending long and lazy days painting side by side in his beautiful home…
And then she’d wondered if that could be her reality now she felt so…damaged. Aside from the harsh but true fact that she couldn’t have children (and she knew that could be a game-changer in any new relationship), Sam was the only boyfriend who had lived with her through that period of time. He’d witnessed how it had made her feel and how she had attempted to deal with it afterwards – how could she open herself up to anyone else, explain how it made her feel? And who would be willing to be with her throughout all that? She had never felt more like a burden and the feeling overwhelmed her. She couldn’t put that on Alfie. He was too kind, too loving and had too much of a future ahead of him. He needed to find a wonderful woman who could give him everything he wanted – including a child, if that was the path they chose together. She knew having children wasn’t everything to everyone. But at least with someone else, he’d have a choice . After yesterday’s argument, she wasn’t sure Alfie even wanted to know her anymore. She hadn’t exactly been kind to him.
She hauled herself out of bed – if it wasn’t for the fact the party was the next day and she had put her name down to assist with the list today, she’d be flying straight back under the duvet. But instead, she shuffled down the narrow staircase and into the kitchen, heaping two large teaspoons of coffee into a mug and pouring on boiling water. She would need all the help she could get to make it through the day.
Her phone pinged as she drained the mug, instantly flicking the kettle on to make another cup. There were several unread messages, due to her leaving it downstairs overnight. The first was from Amy: Haven’t heard from you in a while…how is everything? The next from Jenny checking in and sending a video of Leo laughing out loud for a minute straight at something funny on the TV. The innocent giggles warmed her heart. The final one was from Sam (had she secretly been hoping it was from Alfie?). He asked if he could pop over that morning and what were her plans for the day. She paused before answering – she had to do her jobs this morning for the party as she promised. She was looking forward to getting stuck into decorating the tables and designing the nametags for the buffet food, alone. It had felt like a long time since she’d been able to just sit and tackle a task alone. She hadn’t painted for what felt like an age and she was raring to dive back into creating again, away from all the drama of this bizarre kind of love triangle she had found herself in.
Yet, she knew he would likely not take no for an answer. She had no idea what his plans were or how long he was going to be staying here – maybe she could ask him today. Maybe they needed to have a conversation about what was going on and what he envisioned in their future. She needed to know this to make a final decision about the direction of her life. She tapped back to Sam to come and meet her at the cottage in half an hour. Foregoing the second coffee, she dashed back upstairs, wanting to be showered and ready by the time he arrived.
* * *
“It’s certainly different to our flat, I’ll give you that,” Sam said, stooping around the cottage, patting the exposed stone on one of the walls. She watched him carefully, sipping her coffee. He looked so out of place in here it was crazy.
“It’s perfect for just me,” she replied, feeling defensive over her little home. So it didn’t follow a colour scheme, or wasn’t full of all the latest technology but it was her little haven and she had grown to adore it here, the lack of central heating and all.
“Exactly,” he said, slumping down into the armchair next to the lit fire. “But not enough room for both of us.” She frowned.
“There’s a “both of us”?” she questioned. He smiled at her.
“You don’t think I’ve driven all the way down to the back-arse-of-nowhere, risked my life walking up and down that ridiculously steep lane every night, lived without decent phone signal for days …not to want to live with you again?” She rolled her eyes at his exaggerations, and he grinned, knowing he had amused her. “Seriously though, I don’t wish to sound forceful but I’m not planning on leaving here without you.” Her heart sank. His comment was loaded with an all too familiar forcefulness she had grown used to when being with him but now felt out of place and uncomfortable. He wanted her to go back with him. She didn’t really know why this had come as such a surprise to her – it had been clear from the start he had no intention of living here. His life was back in London, and he wasn’t going to give that up. She exhaled loudly, taking a seat opposite him, by the window.
“I don’t know, Sam,” she began, her voice wavering. She felt nervous suddenly. “I don’t know if I want to leave Sandyhaven.” He knitted his brows.
“You can’t seriously want to stay here , Mils? There’s nothing here! It’s no comparison to London?” She ran her finger round the rim of her mug.
“It depends on what you’re looking for in a place to live,” she said, not meeting his eye. “London is great. But since living here I’ve felt…freer. The air is cleaner. I’ve felt more headspace to paint. It’s simpler.” His frown remained and she felt compelled to continue, to defend her newfound home and community. “The people here are lovely too. I’ve really felt accepted into the community.” She continued to tell him again, in more depth, all about the new friends she had made (although she didn’t mention Alfie’s name purposely), about Mr Slee the shopkeeper, the village hall situation and the adventure she’d had meeting Lauren, her favourite artist. She told him about her artwork, the classes she’d held and how it had reignited her passion. He listened but his face remained unreadable, and she found her passion and excitement waning following every sentence that passed with no reaction. A familiar feeling washed over her – this is how he had made her feel many times before when she’d shown interest and excitement in something; not insulting her directly but just not mirroring her enthusiasm or providing any encouraging words. She tailed off and waited for his reaction.
“It sounds great, Millie. And it sounds like it’s all been a great break for you. But it’s time to come home now. What I haven’t told you yet is that I’ve received a promotion at work. It includes a company car and a handsome raise. So we could maybe afford to move into the suburbs a little further out of the city centre. You’d like that, wouldn’t you? That may suit your new preference for quieter places to live, like here.”
She ignored how he said the word “here”, as though it were offensive and processed what he’d said. She wouldn’t necessarily compare a suburb of London to here in terms of what she would now be looking for in a home. Frustration began to rear its ugly head; he wasn’t listening to her. He never listened to her.
All of a sudden, she stood up and headed to the kitchen to place her mug in the sink. She needed to get to the village hall, with or without Sam.
“I need to head out. I have some jobs to do,” she announced, pulling on her coat.
“Where? Doing what? I didn’t think you had a job right now?”
“It’s not a paid job,” she said, rolling her eyes whilst pulling her hat down over her head. “It’s to help prep the hall for tomorrow’s New Year’s Eve party.” He pulled a face.
“Gosh, yeah, it’s New Year’s Eve tomorrow. I was planning on being back up home for that. I’ve got tickets to a boat party on the Thames. A contact in work hooked me up. It’s supposed to be one of the most sought-after parties of the night.” Of course it was, Millie thought. He followed her out the door as she pulled it shut behind her.
“I’ve got two tickets, Millie. Why don’t you come back and join me?” She hesitated, counting all the cracks in the road as she considered his offer.
“I don’t know, Sam. Coming back is a big decision…”
“You don’t have to come back for good. Well, at least not tomorrow. But come back for New Years? All the lads are going, it’ll be a laugh.” She winced inwardly. Whilst she’d spent nights out with “the lads” many times previously and tolerated it, it wasn’t exactly her idea of a great time. In fact, after spending so much time in the simplicity of Sandyhaven, the thought of being on some millionaire’s boat, stuck in the middle of the dingy Thames, sucked into a far too tight dress, wearing uncomfortable shoes and sipping a bitter fizzy champagne substitute sounded like her idea of pure hell. She had been looking forward to the village hall party; the chance to eat some good picky food, drink whatever you wanted and have a dance and a laugh with friends. Plus, so much work had gone into it, including all the stuff with the news report. She had to be there.
She glimpsed the village square in the distance and the hall further beyond it and sighed, realising Sam wasn’t going to take no as an easy answer.
“I don’t know Sam. I’ve made a promise to be here,” she explained, and he noticeably groaned.
“To who? Who have you got such an allegiance to?” She opened her mouth to answer but paused and his eyes widened. “It’s him, isn’t it? The Alfie guy? You’ve got a thing going with him, haven’t you?” Not knowing how to reply, she said nothing, and he shook his head. “I knew it! I could tell he had a problem with me when he let me into the cottage that very first time.” Sam had raised his voice by now and Millie felt a swathe of embarrassment. Hopefully no-one would hear him. She pushed open the door to the hall, ushering him inside so at least in there no-one would hear him. She pulled the door shut and braced herself for the conversation to come.
Alfie was in the kitchenette of the hall when he heard the door bang and immediately noticed raised voices. He was about to walk out to see what the problem was when he spotted the back of Sam and the front of Millie. Like a flash, he ducked back into the room, flicking off the light but leaving the shutters slightly ajar – he really didn’t want to make himself known in that moment. Mainly because the curiosity had got the better of him – he wanted to know what this guy was like when no-one else was around and why he seemed to have sucked Millie in, once again. She hadn’t struck him as the type of person who would fall for an idiot, especially not twice. He froze on the spot, praying they weren’t heading into the kitchen. Thankfully, they stayed standing in the middle of the hall. He squinted to look through the gap; there was Millie, and his heart softened upon seeing her beautiful face. But the anxious expression on her face caused him to tense up. And there was Sam; there was something about his body language that immediately got Alfie’s back up.
“Just say it, Millie. Say it’s him who’s keeping you here.” The hairs on the back of Alfie’s neck stood up – who were they talking about?
“It’s nothing to do with Alfie!” she yelled back, and a shiver coursed over his body. They were arguing about him. How he wished he’d been witness to the first part of their conversation.
“Then why won’t you come back. Back home. Leave this dump?” Sam indicated the hall around them and flung a hand towards the door, presumably referencing the village as a whole.
“Stop calling it a dump! It’s the first place I’ve ever really felt is home,” she counteracted, and Alfie felt a rush of pride that she was standing up for herself. This was the strong-headed Millie he had come to know. Sam scoffed.
“Oh please! So let’s say you stay here then Millie, yeah? What are you going to do for work? There’s no office block around here to do your little assistant jobs. I suppose you think your art is going to keep you sorted, do you?” Her face visibly fell, and Sam stared down on her, his whole demeanour menacing. “And who are you even going to live with?” he continued pressing. Alfie could vaguely make out Millie’s expression – she looked wounded.
“I can live alone,” she replied quietly.
“You don’t like living alone!” he shouted. “That’s why you chose to stay with your mum all that time before you met me, even when she was treating you like shit.” Alfie started to feel a desire to rush out there and put him back in his box – he didn’t like Sam’s attitude. He was intimidating her, and he could sense that even from a different room. He watched as Sam took a step closer to Millie.
“You need to be with me, Mils,” he said, his voice softer now. “I know you. I can take care of you. I’m the best person to do that. Think of what we’ve been through together.” Sam reached his hand up to cup her face and Millie shied away.
“Don’t bring that up now,” she pleaded, her voice wobbling and Alfie’s senses immediately spiked. Bring what up? What had happened?
“But it’s reality Millie. You can’t run away from it. It happened and I told you I’d accepted it. There aren’t going to be many people that will.” She shot him a look of disbelief and disgust.
“I’m sorry?! Don’t throw that one on me!” she shouted, pushing him away. “Don’t you dare make me feel unlovable? Like no-one else would ever want me?!
“Well, who would Millie?! Who would, when you can’t give someone a child ?!” he spat out and Alfie’s heart thudded to the ground. So that was the “thing” that had been plaguing his mind – he just knew there was something she had been hiding. Something big. Suddenly, the reaction to Daisy’s pregnancy announcement made complete sense. All the times she’d told him she was “dealing with something big” or “working through things” came into his head and everything fell into place. Poor Millie. His heart absolutely leapt out to her – he couldn’t even begin to understand the enormity of what finding out something like that must have done to her – would still be doing to her. He felt complete sadness for her.
And then, anger exploded through his veins. A red mist descended over him and before he could talk some sense into himself, he burst through the door and strode across the hall. Both Millie and Sam’s heads snapped towards him, registering shock. Millie’s face was one of pure disbelief, tears streaming. Sam’s now looked enraged, disgusted even, at the sight of Alfie there. He still didn’t move back, and Alfie felt uncomfortable at how close he was to her.
“What are you doing here?” Sam spoke in an accusatory tone.
“I feel like I need to ask the same of you,” Alfie replied, standing only a metre away from them. He immediately turned to Millie and placed a hand on her arm. He could feel her trembling.
“Are you OK?” he asked, and she looked down, with no response, which spoke volumes. Sam’s hand pushed against his arm.
“Don’t touch her?” he spat. “Who the fuck do you think you are?”
“I think I’m someone telling you that you need to walk out this hall right now, never come back and never harass Millie again,” Alfie spoke firmly. Sam smirked, turning his body towards Alfie. Alfie squared himself, bracing for anything that may happen next. This guy was big, and he wasn’t an enormous guy himself, and hell knows he’d never been in a fight. But he wasn’t afraid to defend himself. Especially to a stuck up, entitled bully boy like him.
“I don’t really think that’s your choice, is it?” he replied. Alfie’s eyes flicked to Millie, who now had mascara pooling around her bottom eyelids and a scared expression on her face. He couldn’t begin to imagine how she was feeling, not only with the hideously hurtful things Sam had just said to her but also knowing that he had revealed it in front of him too. He desperately wanted to throw his arms around her and comfort her, tell her she didn’t have to settle for this absolute dickhead.
“No. It’s Millie’s choice.”
“And we know who Millie will choose.” He grabbed her forearm a little too roughly for Alfie’s liking and his whole body twitched. “She’s going to choose the guy who has been with her through thick and thin. Who she’s lived with, who has loved her for years, was there when her mum died and who sat next to her when she was told she couldn’t have children. Can you top that?” Alfie narrowed his eyes. This guy’s arrogance was really grating on him. And what was with that expression – could he top it? His whole personality was laid out in front of him – competitive, intimidating, wannabe alpha male. He just couldn’t get out of his head how Millie could ever have been with a guy like this? Sam took a step closer, so they were almost touching.
“Sam, please…” Millie began.
“I don’t think it’s about ‘topping’ each other, Sam. I just know that right now you are seriously overstepping the mark, and you need to be careful.” Sam smiled slyly.
“Or what?”
“Sam, seriously. Just go,” Millie begged, tears coursing down her face now.
“You’re right, let’s go,” he said, grabbing Millie’s hand but she immediately snatched it back. Sam’s face registered total disbelief. “I mean it, Sam. Go! I’m not coming with you, but you need to leave. NOW. Please. ” He stared at her for a few moments; clearly not knowing how to react. Alfie was poised and ready, adrenaline surging through his body. If he laid another hand on her, he knew he wouldn’t be held accountable for his actions.
Sam scoffed, ran a hand through his hair and with one final, hard glare at Alfie, turned and strode out, his footsteps echoing ominously around the hall. Alfie waited for the door to slam shut before moving to comfort Millie, who fell full weight into his body. He gently shushed her in between her raw, guttural sobs and the feeling of her trembling body caused tears to threaten in his own eyes. It felt like her cries were letting out everything she had been holding in: all the emotions, the secrets, the past. He so desperately wanted to take it all away for her, erase that hideous man from her history and replace it only with love and care.
It felt like hours had passed, although it could only have been a few minutes, when Millie’s head resurfaced from his chest and her cries had turned into deep, sorrowful gulps. He placed a hand on her cheek and gently wiped at the streaks of mascara, coursing down her face like inky streams. She looked so dreadfully sad that his heart broke.
“What do you need from me?” Alfie spoke softly. Millie could barely speak, her mouth set in a miserable line. “Would you like me to stay around?” he asked. Slowly, she nodded. “You’re sure you don’t want me to leave?” She shook her head, still hiccupping. He considered his next question carefully. He really didn’t want it to come across the wrong way. “Do you want to go back to mine? Back to yours?”
“The first one,” she spoke finally.
“OK,” he whispered, bringing her close again and placing his lips on her forehead. “Let’s go get you sorted.”
* * *
“This has got to change, Sam. You can’t keep doing this and expecting me to be OK with it!” Millie threw her coat on, rage coursing through her. They were due at their mutual friend’s engagement party in half an hour, and it was at least forty minutes on the tube. She’d been ready for an hour but had spent the rest of the time waiting for Sam to get home. He’d been out with the lads watching rugby but had promised to be home by midday, insisting he wanted to come to the party. “It’s a free bar after all ,” he’d exclaimed. Yet, he’d stumbled in clearly inebriated and very loud, antagonising Millie. There had been so many times now where he had promised he’d be ready for something or be available for something and he’d ended up being anything but.
“I went out for a drink Millie. To a pub round the corner. You act like I’m cheating on you or something.” She paused packing her bag for a moment, thinking that was a strange comment to make but then continued.
“It’s not the point of what you were doing, Sam. It’s the fact you always promise me you’re going to do something and then you end up doing the opposite.”
“How is it the opposite?!” he protested, from his lying position on the sofa. “I’m here, aren’t I?” She surveyed him, legs up and shoes off, not looking remotely ready for an engagement party. His slurred speech gave the same impression. She sighed heavily, grabbing her keys from the side.
“Are you coming or not?” He made a face, and she instantly knew what the reply would be.
“I don’t fancy it any more Millie,” he whined, and she groaned, although not surprised. He had a habit of letting her down, leaving her to awkwardly explain why he wasn’t there. It was embarrassing. His face suddenly changed and he jumped up, striding purposefully over to her and grabbing her by the waist. She felt his lips crash into hers and then start to trace down her neck.
“Sam, I have to go…” she protested.
“Let’s stay here,” he said, in between kisses and she could sense the frantic need to his voice. She didn’t want this right now. Not like this. She started to push him off.
“Sam, look, not now…”
“Why not? Come on Millie, we agreed last week we were moving on. It’s not like this is the first time we’ll have done it since...?” She looked him directly in the face. She could smell alcohol on his breath, and it turned her stomach.
“Since what, Sam? Say it.” He slumped his shoulders.
“I don’t need to Millie. We had this conversation last week. I thought we agreed to move on?”
“We did. But that doesn’t mean I’ll just do it on command. It’s not something I always want to do! It’s still very much on my mind.” He pulled her in closer and she felt herself relax a little. Perhaps he did understand.
“Come on Millie. I understand this must be so difficult for you,” he spoke gently, rubbing her back. “But we have to try to look on the positive side, keep moving forwards. She tensed slightly.
“And what exactly positive is there about this?”
“Well, let’s think about Simon and Maisy – they got pregnant when they didn’t mean to and it’s ruined their whole life,” he said and she immediately stiffened, pulling away forcefully.
“You’ve got to be kidding me?” she stammered, and he registered surprise. “Are those supposed to be words of comfort?” He opened and closed his mouth like a goldfish. He clearly had no idea that what he just said was hugely disrespectful and upsetting to her. She shook her head and looked at him with disgust, storming out the house. It was getting more and more difficult to see how they could move past this, but clearer and clearer how much she didn’t really want to be with him anymore.