Chapter 32
S he woke with a start and a scream, sweat racing down her back. She wasn’t sure where she was and panic began to set in until the bedroom door opened, allowing a shard of light to spill across the floor and she felt Alfie’s presence, arms tight around her.
“It’s OK, I’m right here,” he whispered softly, one hand on her head and the other around her body. It took a minute or two to regain some control to her breathing and realise where she was: she was in Alfie’s bed, in his apartment. Faintly, she could hear the sea swooshing outside and it brought some immediate comfort. Glancing at the clock, it read two in the morning.
She sat up further and ran both hands back through her hair, wincing at the damp patches. It was no surprise she was having vivid dreams after the absolute rollercoaster of a day before. They’d left the village hall and headed straight to Alfie’s apartment where he’d made her multiple cups of tea – some with a welcome tot of whiskey – and allowed her to just wallow on the sofa under a fluffy blanket. Some moments she’d spoken, a lot, about anything that was on her mind and others she remained silent, allowing the swirling of the sea to fill the silent gaps. By the early evening, after several measures of alcohol she’d started to drift off to sleep in the chair and when Alfie had offered her his bed for the night, she’d accepted without hesitation. He’d run her a bath and she’d changed into a pair of his shorts and a t-shirt, settling into his bed and falling asleep almost immediately. She hadn’t even known where he was sleeping until just then; he’d clearly been on the sofa.
As completely emotionally wrecked as she felt, there was something ridiculously intimate about being here in Alfie’s bed, in his clothes, not to mention him pressed against her. She felt her breathing return to normal as he softly stroked her hair.
“How do you feel?” he spoke, breaking the silence. She shifted slightly, leaning herself into him.
“I just had a bad dream, that’s all,” she replied. He leaned across to the bedside table and passed her the full glass of water, which she sipped appreciatively.
“Have you heard from him since…?” Alfie asked and she shook her head vehemently. She had checked her phone only once but there had been nothing from Sam. She had a strong feeling that she wouldn’t be seeing him again. The thought brought her both great comfort and a sense of finality.
“I have to say something Millie…” he began, and she twitched, wondering what he was going to reveal. “I…I overheard what Sam said earlier. About…about you.” She squeezed her eyes shut. She’d been afraid of that. The thing which she’d fought for so long to not define her was slowly seeping out to the world. It made her feel panicked and out of control. She sat up abruptly, shrugging out of his arms.
“I can’t talk about it,” she started but he placed a hand on her back causing her to calm the chattering thoughts in her brain.
“It’s OK. I wouldn’t expect you to be able to. Especially not to me.” She turned back to look at him, for the first time properly since he’d entered the room. He was sat upright against the headboard, wearing just a pair of grey, flannelled tracksuit bottoms. His hair was unkempt, a shadow of stubble prevalent on his face. Her heart skipped.
“What do you mean, ‘especially to you’?” she asked, frowning a little.
“Well…I’m sure there are other people you’d feel more comfortable talking to before you spoke to me about something so personal,” he explained. She exhaled, managing a small smile.
“Then you don’t really know just how much I trust you,” she said. “I’ve told you many things I haven’t told anyone else. Things about my past, about my painting, about my mum.” Her throat felt like it may close over if she mentioned her mum again and she gave a little cough to clear it.
Alfie’s heart swelled. For almost a week now, he’d been adamant she was no longer interested in him, that she no longer wanted to foster a connection with him. Even her staying in his bed today hadn’t really indicated anything – she was in emotional turmoil and staying here instead of going home alone had made sense. It didn’t mean she was revealing a desire to be with him, he’d known that. So, to hear those words, that she had confided in him without him even knowing – it brought great relief. And in that moment, with her in his bed, in his clothes and in such close proximity, he wanted nothing more than to tell her he was so in love with her, that he had been for a while now but just didn’t know how to say it. And of course, now was just not the right time to reveal that, what with the past few days she’d had.
Instead, he leant into her and gently kissed her temple.
“Well, I’m pleased to hear it. I’ll always be here to listen to you if that’s what you want.” She turned her body to face him now and searched his eyes – his warm, friendly eyes. Why hadn’t she seen them from the very beginning – even right at the start when she’d first moved here and he had pushed her away, his eyes had always been there. They’d been right there in front of her, all along. But she’d been clinging onto the past so much, allowing it to direct her future that she’d shut out all other possibilities and any chance that she could, in fact, be happy. Because that was all she wanted. To be truly happy.
Without another thought, she leaned across and pressed her lips to his, flashbacks of the time in the hall when they’d shared their first kiss racing through her head. He immediately responded, his lips keen and longing before pulling away only seconds later.
“Millie, I…I can’t quite believe I’m saying this, but I don’t think I can do this with you feeling, understandably, so emotional. I don’t want you to regret this later, or think I was ever taking advantage of you?” She kissed him again, briefly this time, surprising herself with her forwardness.
“You’re not taking advantage of me. I’m right here, wanting you,” she replied, and he noticed him visibly swallow. Their faces were so close now, the space between them charged and she knew in this moment that things had changed forever, irrevocably. He stared directly in her eyes, and she held his gaze boldly. She watched his lip twitch, as though he was trying desperately not to jump on her right there and then. She could tell he was a gentleman, that he was considering his actions for fear of how the results would make her feel. Yet she knew that for once in her life she didn’t want to stress about the future, and she certainly didn’t want to dwell on the past. She wanted the right here and now and she had to make that happen.
Without another thought, she leaned forwards and kissed him, twisting her body to push him down further onto the mattress. Yes, this would change things forever. But maybe that’s what was needed…