Chapter 19
Nineteen
S teph stood at Jon’s door for several minutes while attempting to knock on it. She’d decided against using her key, it didn’t seem right under the circumstances that they weren’t even together, not really. After a final deep breath she knocked and waited. The door flew open to reveal a confused looking Jon.
“Hi, darling, did you forget your key?”
“Erm, no, I just felt a bit weird letting myself in as things are.” Embarrassment washed over her but was it because of the original basis of their relationship, the breakdown of it or the mess of what remained?
“Then come in and tell me just how things are.” He stepped sideways to allow her in.
Steph followed her nose to the kitchen, the aromas causing enthusiastic sounds as her senses came to life. “Something smells nice.”
“Chicken in white wine sauce with new potatoes and asparagus,” Jon passed by her and returned to the hob. “Help yourself to the wine.” He gestured to the open bottle on the countertop next to two clean glasses.
“I’ll wait for dinner,” she said in spite of the fact that she had a desperate urge to get hammered and avoid the obvious awkwardness they were both feeling.
“It shouldn’t be long. How’s Roger?” Jon moving into safer territory.
“He’s doing well. He’s due to go back to the hospital in a couple of days to see Angus, but everything seems fine. Oh, and the police have been back with more questions about the accident.”
“That’s good news. What did the police say, have they got any leads?” Jon drained the potatoes and tossed them in butter and some herbs he’d already chopped.
“I’m not sure,” admitted Steph. “Eddie mentioned it then Dad and Paul changed the subject, so probably not. I can’t believe that anybody would do that to him, to anyone and then just leave him,” said Steph sadly. “When I think of how things could have turned out . . .”
Jon put the food down and moved to where she stood, wrapping his arms around her, holding her tightly as he whispered, “I know, but it didn’t turn out like anything else did it? He is safe and on the road to recovery, so don’t think that way, Steph, please. Did your brothers ask about us?”
“I told them we’d had a big row last week and that I’d run away for some space, which is essentially the truth. I told them I was coming here tonight to talk. My dad had already told them about Penny and about you being loaded.” She had instinctively wrapped her own arms around his waist and was holding onto him as if her life depended on it now as she considered the ‘what ifs’ of her father’s accident.
“Come on, let’s eat, and talk, okay?” Preparing to release himself from her, he gently kissed the top of her head.
They sat at the dining table opposite each other and as Jon attempted to refill Steph’s half empty wine glass she shook her head. “I shouldn’t, I’m driving.”
“You’re not staying?” he asked with a mixture of hurt and surprise in his voice.
“I didn’t think that would be a good idea, we were meeting to talk,” she said softly.
“Please, Steph, don’t make this any harder. Please have another drink and if you want to go home but you’ve had too much to drink, I will walk you home, it’s not exactly far, is it?”
She nodded. “I should probably have dropped my car home and walked over.”
“Let’s talk then,” Jon said seriously.
“I don’t know how we do this, I’ve had boyfriends and fallen out with them, but trying to work it out when it goes wrong is new territory for me.” Steph was confused by her own feelings. “Maybe I should just say how I feel and why,” she suggested.
“Go for it.” Smiled Jon.
“I feel hurt more than anything, although there is still a bit of anger there too,” she started. “You could and should have told me about Penny. I would have understood your position better and maybe not hated myself quite so much for agreeing to be your mistress. The figure head for your wife was Lucy and I despised her, but then as casually as if you were telling me you were changing your car, you informed me that she was not your wife, that she was your father’s wife and then only because I overheard her talking about her pregnancy with a baby I believed was yours.”
“I get it Steph.” Jon sighed as he led her towards the sofa. “And I’m not proud of any of that.”
“Then you expected me to be pleased about your deceit and lies and for it all to be okay, but it’s not. I am still hurt and angry and confused by my own conflicting emotions because I love you and I want to forget it all, but I don’t know if I can.” She drained her glass of wine. “I mean, no matter what we do there is no forgetting Penny. She is real and very much part of your life.”
“Can I respond to all of that?” Jon turned slightly so that they were each sitting diagonally to each other with a knee almost touching.
Steph nodded with a smile as she used his own phrase, “Go for it.”
“Darling, I understand completely why you are hurt, angry and confused, I am rather confused and hurt myself, if not angry. Not with you anyway. I know I handled things badly, but this situation is not one of just my making, I did have some help. If you recall you were the one that told me that I was married and that it was to Lucy. You agreed to be my mistress because you didn’t want to be a fling or a one night stand, which I don’t think you could ever have been. I did however allow that error to go uncorrected and I really did try to rectify that on many occasions, but the time was never right or something happened to prevent it.”
Getting to his feet, Jon began to pace, as if trying to think of something to say, something different, something that might make sense and resonate with Steph. Something that might break through her defences and any objections she might still be harbouring towards a relationship with him.
“I love you, Steph,” he told her, retaking his seat, a little closer to her. “You know I love you and I do not use that word lightly and I just want to go back to how things were between us so tell me what I need to do to make it right and I will do it, anything.” He reached across and brushed away the tear that was rolling down her cheek. “Please don’t cry, I hate to see you cry. I hate being the reason for your tears.”
“I know I made assumptions, but you should have told me, everything. I should have known about Penny, that she even existed,” she protested. “And your baby,” she said on a cry that caught in her throat.
“What do you want me to say, Steph? I have said I am sorry and I am, but what else do you need from me?” he asked desperately.
“I don’t know!” she cried. “I wish I did, but I can’t get past how easily you lied to me and how good you were at it.”
“I did not lie,” said Jon, angry now. “I didn’t! You created the identity of my wife and all that came with that and I admit I did nothing to discourage it. I don’t even know why beyond the fact that I wanted to get to know you better, but safely.”
Steph stared at him and as much as she wanted to dispute his side of events she wasn’t sure she could. Had he lied? Maybe not, but he hadn’t been entirely honest either.
“What do you mean, get to know me safely?”
“Look, you are not the only one to have made mistakes in the past, to have got involved with the wrong people and ended up getting hurt and when I met you the last thing on my mind was a girlfriend.”
“Christ, what a fucking mess!” said Steph.
“I wanted it to be the right time and it never was, but it is a mess. What do we do about it? That’s the real question, isn’t it?” he asked nervously.
“Yes, but I don’t have an answer for that,” she replied “However, I think the real question is do we want to find a way forward.”
“I do,” Jon answered immediately, without hesitation.
“Me too,” Steph agreed with a smile.
“Then let’s talk about something else and come back to how we do it,” Jon suggested and added seriously, “But I should tell you that I won’t let you throw what we have away, so if this takes time, so be it.”
“I’m going nowhere and for what it’s worth, I can’t imagine not being with you, but I may need some time.”
With her words and the sincerity of them registering, Jon suddenly reached for Steph’s hand and pulled her to him. She willingly allowed herself to occupy the space under his arm, nestled against his side while his arm settled around her shoulders, keeping her close.
“You want to watch something shitty on the TV?” he asked, already hitting the remote control until the screen before them filled with images and sounds of an action movie.
An hour or more passed and although they had sat in near silence, aside from the occasional sarcastic comment or observation relating to the film, the truth was, it was comfortable and comforting. Neither of them felt the need to fill the peace or quiet, they simply enjoyed the closeness and strange kind of intimacy the evening was turning out to provide.
The closing credits began to roll up the screen making Steph aware of the time and the fact that neither of them had made any attempt to discuss Penny or the best way forward in their relationship and as the night threatened to draw to a close, she could feel her confusion rising. She had no intention of spending the night with Jon, of having sex with him, not yet. Steph knew it might seem hypocritical that she had slept with him knowing he had a wife if not her identity and now, with all the facts she didn’t feel it was appropriate. Time, she just needed a little time to process everything and also to regain some normality between them.
“You okay?” Jon asked, turning the TV off.
“Hmmm.”
Clearly she hadn’t sounded anymore convincing to Jon’s ears than she had her own so tried to clarify. “Like I said before, I might need some time. I know I’ve had a couple of weeks but I don’t know whether that helped really.”
“Why didn’t it help? Where did you go?” asked Jon with a frown.
“Because being away just made me realise how much I love you and question how on earth I was going to function without you as anything other than my boss,” Steph explained. “I went to a hotel, I didn’t plan it, I got back home and saw your car so just got in my own and drove. I drove aimlessly really and cried. I realised that I was still in evening wear so when I saw a supermarket, I went shopping for clothes and stuff. From there I just drove some more, went through a few villages until I found a hotel and booked in and that’s where I stayed. I did lots of walking, thinking, crying and I even managed some horse riding, but I was only ever thinking of you and what had happened. There were people there throughout the week, businessmen who actually made me feel even shittier about myself.”
“Why? What did they do? Did any of them hurt you?” He sounded fearful of her reply.
“No. But I watched them and some of them offered me a drink or weren’t even that subtle in their approach and I did wonder whether that was me all over. If I gave off some kind of aura that suggested I was slutty Steph and that this was as much as I deserved, but then I considered one offer,” she told him and looked up to find sad and guilty eyes looking back at her. “He was called Richard, but I only gave him the time of day because he reminded me of you and then he referred to me as darling and I knew I couldn’t even consider anyone that wasn’t you. I also realised that I deserved better than married dickheads in hotel bars and Simon. That was kind of because of you.” She smiled, relieved to see a smile curling Jon’s lips and eyes that looked happier.
“Me?”
“Yes, you, because you treated me better and made me realise that I deserved to be treated well, like you treat me. Although, I kind of forgot what I deserved the other night in the bar.”
“Darling, it sounds as though your time away was helpful if it made you realise how much you love and need me and convinced you that you only deserve the best, even if it did nearly fucking kill me,” he told her seriously as he looked down into her eyes, the sadness back again.
“I’m sorry if I hurt you, but I couldn’t deal with you and I did want to punish you for hurting me.”
“I get that but I didn’t know which way to turn, Steph. Nobody knew where you were and I stalked everybody. I flitted between here, yours and the office desperately hoping to find you’d come back. The flowers in your office were for me as much as you, so that if you turned up there before I was aware then you would see that I had been thinking of you.” He laughed at her expression. “It made sense at the time, but as each day passed it seemed less likely you’d ever come back. I ate, breathed and slept you, although food and sleep weren’t high on my list of priorities. I even spoke to a private investigator to see if there was any way of tracing you via your phone, car or credit card, but apparently there are laws against it and the word stalker was mentioned more than once.”
“I’m sorry,” repeated Steph stretching up to stroke his cheek, the one she’d slapped. “I’m sorry I hit you, too.”
“Now that you should be sorry for because it fucking hurt! My jaw was rattling for days, although I missed it when it stopped because it somehow took me further away from you,” he admitted with a cringe. “I really am that pathetic without you. The guy at the hotel, I know I have no right to ask, but you and him, you didn’t, well nothing happened with you . . .” he began to ask and then stopped awkwardly as if he needed to know but really didn’t want to.
“No, nothing. I liked him because he reminded me of you. It could have happened but I soon realised he couldn’t give me what I wanted or needed. He wasn’t you and that’s all I wanted. You. And that is how pathetic I am without you.”
“We really are a pathetic pair, aren’t we?” He smiled now.
“Yes, yes we are,” she agreed, reciprocating his smile. “So, what do you want to talk about now?” She felt slightly happier, if still confused.
“Anything,” he replied. “Whatever you want to.”
Steph laughed and asked seriously, “Did Sophie Marley come and grass on me?”
Jon laughed too. “She was waiting for me when I got back to my office after I saw you earlier. Andrea was telling her that I had no availability and she was doing her best, do you know who I am? ”
“Who won that particular battle?” Steph relaxed with the easy flow of conversation.
“I’d say Andrea won on points because she told her that she knew she was a new business manager in the company and a middle class whore who was hoping to shag the boss.” Jon grinned at Steph’s startled expression.
“No way! Not super professional Andrea!” she cried.
“Oh, yes,” laughed Jon. “That was just before she saw me and asked, how was your girlfriend, Miss Pryor?”
Steph laughed loudly at the idea of the usually professional Andrea getting shirty with Sophie. “What did Sophie say?” Steph still laughed.
“Not much, I took Sophie into my office where she commented on our matching photos.” He arched a brow as he revealed his knowledge and happiness that Steph had now put her photo on display.
“Yours is back out?”
“I returned it to its rightful place as soon as I returned to my office. I did apologise to Sophie for making her late for your meeting, but fully supported your decision to remove her from the Montague deal because she could have left whenever she had wanted and been on time. I also told her that she should never try to use the fact that our families are connected as leverage or her career with Brookers would be a short one.”
“Wow,” muttered Steph, smiling to herself and wishing she had seen the other woman’s face at the time.
“Then I told her that you were the only girl for me and whether she or any of our family members thought we’d be a good match, they’d be wrong,” Jon said seriously.
“Does she know about Penny?”
“When we got married, we kept it quiet, low key. Obviously our families and closest friends came to the wedding but nobody else. I assume Sophie’s family knew I’d married, but I have never had a conversation with her about me and Penny and have no intention of doing so.”
Steph nodded, unsure what else she should say. “You once told me that relationships ending were expensive in every way, what did you mean?”
“You have a very good memory, Miss Pryor. More wine?” he asked making her frown as she thought he was avoiding her question. “More wine is needed if you want me to answer that completely and honestly,” explained Jon.
“Okay, but at this rate you won’t be in any state to take me home.” She smiled.
“Then you’d have to stay.” He smiled more cautiously than her.
“We’ll see, but I am not having sex with you,” she told him firmly.
“Definitely more wine if we’re having a grown up conversation and no sex.” Jon was already returning, carrying the half empty bottle of Californian Pinot Grigio they’d started with dinner.