Chapter 20
Twenty
“ R ight then.” He refilled their glasses and Steph felt relaxed enough to put her legs up on the sofa, resting her bare feet that stuck out from beneath a long, bright, floral print maxi dress in Jon’s lap where he began to stroke and massage them. “Relationships are very expensive, they cost time, effort and energy, but when they’re going well the rewards offset that investment, however when they go wrong, the time, effort and energy continue for a time but there is nothing coming back to offset it. Then there can be a financial penalty; divorces are very expensive, but unmarried couples can have expensive and messy separations, which I know from experience.”
Releasing her feet, he reached for his wine, took a gulp, placed it back on the table then returned his hands to her feet. “I went back to America under the guise of business, but the truth was that I was running away. I met someone and we got together.” He laughed. “I ended up in a relationship with Vicky. My stupidity was compounded by doing some business with her, joint ventures and when we parted, when I ended things, she kept the house in L.A., the business, and a shed load of cash, that’s what I meant by my comment.”
Steph stared at him wide eyed as his fingers began to rhythmically dig into the souls of her feet making her moan with a mixture of pleasure and pain. “Did she expect you to divorce Penny?”
“This makes me sound all kinds of fucked up, which I was. Penny and I kept our private lives just that. Her accident was reported locally in the news, but no more. When I took off and met Vicky I had all but convinced myself that I was single. I was for all intents and purposes. My guilt was crippling me and my grief for the loss of the Penny I’d known and my child were destroying me, so I blocked them out.”
“Right” A nervous Steph thought she might know what he was about to say and yet it still shocked her when he uttered the words.
“I never told her, about Penny or the baby. I figured I’d have time before she pushed for our relationship to become anymore. I am seriously fucked up and fucking up all the lives of those who try to get close to me; Penny, the baby, Vicky and you.”
“That’s not true. Penny married you through choice and the drugs were her choice too. My life isn’t fucked up and the bits that might be are not of your doing.”
Steph returned the weak smile Jon offered her and wondered how he had gotten into these relationships. She understood his desire to marry the mother of his child and secure a family and ensure a role in his child’s life, but Vicky? How had he ended up in a relationship with another woman he might have cared for but didn’t love, wasn’t in love with, certainly not enough to tell her about his past, his loss and his grief, not like he’d eventually told her after many previous attempts to.
“I don’t know you at all.” He took her statement in his stride, one hand beginning to gently stroke her ankle.
“You know me well enough, darling, just not about my past, but if it matters to you I can fill those gaps. I suppose I don’t really know that much about you either and I want to.” He smiled as his hands began rubbing her calves.
“You do know that I am really not going to have sex with you, don’t you?” she asked with a half-grin as Jon’s hands rested on her knees.
“I know, you said.” He smiled, looking younger, less tired and considerably lighter than he had done for a while..
“Then maybe you should pass that information to your hands.” She pointed at them inching above her knees now.
As Jon returned his hands to her feet he smiled, “I think you may regret that, darling.”
“I’ll live,” responded Steph before digging a little deeper into Jon’s past. “So, Vicky?”
Jon reached for his glass again.
“Tell me about you and her.” Her stomach churned at the thought of him entering another relationship he knew wasn’t really built on love.
“She was working for a company I was doing some business with and she was bright and beautiful. We worked closely on the deal between our companies and when the deal was done we began seeing each other. After about six months she suggested buying some small American companies together and I agreed; although she had wanted Brookers to buy into them, but I wasn’t that stupid, so it was my personal money that was used.”
Steph frowned.
“They were good deals and then Vicky suggested that we should consider making our personal relationship more formal.” Jon smiled at Steph’s horrified expression.
“And you agreed?”
“Yes, no, I just went along with the notion. I thought we made a good team, professionally and personally,” Jon admitted.
“I see,” pouted Steph.
Jon laughed at her. “You have nothing to be jealous of, I love you.”
Steph allowed her lips to portray a small smile now as she said, “Sorry. Please carry on.”
“I bought Vicky a very large and crude sapphire ring she’d seen and commented on for her birthday. She presented it as an engagement ring, it wasn’t. I came back to England for business more and more until I was living and working in London while Vicky was still in America. We couldn’t even agree where we should live and despite this Vicky and her family pushed for a commitment I didn’t want and couldn’t give as I was already married.”
“Did you still not tell her about Penny?”
“I have never told anyone about Penny, just you. She didn’t deserve to know about Penny or the baby. The more she and her family pushed, the more I realised what a mistake I had made by becoming involved with her.”
“I bet you loved being bossed around by her and her family,” she mused.
“See, you know me. I wondered if it would help if Vicky moved here. I was clutching at straws in terms of making things right so as not to hurt her.”
Steph was stunned. How could he value himself so little? For all that he told her that she deserved only the best of things in a relationship when it came to himself, he had settled, believed he didn’t deserve any more than what others gave him. With a smile she realised that as much as he was in control in the boardroom and maybe even the bedroom, he was clueless in relationships.
“Did she move here?”
“No, I ended things. She got herself an attorney and because all the business stuff had been done over there, it cost me big, but it was a small price to pay. All ties were severed. I think she may have been more interested in my bank balance than me all along.”
Steph felt her heart ache at the thought of anyone trying to use or take advantage of him and the sadness in his voice hurt her more than she would have thought possible. Pulling her feet free of him, she made her way along the sofa until she was stretched across him, straddling his lap and stroking his face gently.
“I think Vicky was stupid to have not moved heaven and earth to be with you.” Steph ran her fingers through his hair before gently lowering her lips to his and kissing him softly.
Jon responded in kind and as his hands fisted in her hair his kiss grew more forceful making her almost purr in his mouth. Pulling back he spoke seriously, “Steph, if you are determined not to have sex with me tonight, you may want to stop kissing me and get off my lap.”
She moved back onto the cushion next to him. “Maybe I should go.”
“Stay, please,” Jon almost pleaded. “No sex, I just want to be with you and I did once say that I didn’t know how to sleep with you without having sex, but maybe I should try.”
“Okay.” Steph wondered whether she would be any better equipped to ‘sleep’ with Jon than he was to do it with her.
“How did Dr Smarmy take you cancelling your future date with him?”
“It wasn’t a date and I still wish you wouldn’t call him that,” said Steph but continued. “He called earlier, but he was okay. I did take the opportunity to tell him that us seeing each other was a bad idea because I think he wanted more from it than me.”
“And what did he say to that?” Jon sounded irritated.
“Not much, but he was fine about it. He is actually a very nice man, always was and he always treated me very well, but his determination to be a doctor was his priority and I was in no state to be in a proper relationship at uni, or since really, until now,” she almost whispered.
“But you and Simon?” Jon took Steph’s hand in his.
“I don’t think I was ever in love with Simon. I went out with Charlie for a few months and I did love Charlie but I wasn’t in love with him. He was good for me, but he was just so nice,” laughed Steph.
“And that’s a bad thing?” Jon thought about the conversations he’d had with Jason and Eddie about her previous relationships.
“Not as such, but I like, perhaps need, a bit more of a challenge. That whole thing with Chris would have been very different with Charlie, at least the first time. Whereas you were so pissed off about it and marked his card. You once said that Charlie was too laid back with Lindsay. I would have walked all over him, taken advantage. After I introduced the two of them, I encouraged and facilitated them seeing each other and soon after they were dating. I decided that if nice, safe, sensible Charlie wasn’t my type, I should go for someone different and Simon was certainly that. We met in a club. He came over and we talked and I knew that he wouldn’t be the walkover that Charlie had been. I found that attractive and took him home with me that night. To start with it was okay and I liked him, grew to love him I suppose.”
“What changed?” Jon headed into the kitchen and began making coffee for them both.
Steph knelt up and turned around so that she could see Jon as she continued talking. “I guess Simon changed, or maybe he just allowed the real him to come through. Ultimately I believed he was what I deserved. I told you before that he was never a real charmer, but he became more apathetic about me and everything became a battle and as much as I like a challenge it became a chore. He drank too much, spent too much, let me down too frequently. We stopped going out together and we even stopped having sex very often, but I didn’t know how to get out of it at that point. I always worked hard and I focused my efforts on my career. One day at work somebody talked about her abusive ex and by the time she finished I was in tears because she could have been describing me. I went to see Simon and he could see what I was building up to, so told me all about the school secretary he’d been shagging. I told him it was over, he smiled and said, whatever which summed it up really.”
“That’s awful Steph.” Jon passed her coffee to her.
“The worst part is that I didn’t really care either; I had gone past miserable and hurt, I think I was just relieved by the end and the thought that I wouldn’t have to endure sleeping with him again was the greatest sense of relief, although we hadn’t had real sex for some months, but on the rare occasions he touched me, he made my flesh crawl,” she admitted.
“The man is a bigger idiot than I had given him credit for and I had already been generous in that. I hate to think of you unhappy and used, never mind abused, darling. I just wish I had punched him instead of Charlie,” said Jon angrily.
“Charlie particularly enjoyed that part of the evening.” Steph offered a wry smile. “But you don’t need to get mad about Simon, it is very much in the past,” insisted Steph as she put her coffee down and rested her head on his shoulder.
“Except it’s not, not when he turns up and hurts you.” Jon turned and kissed her hair gently.
“Maybe after the other night he has buggered off again and is going to leave me alone,” said Steph nervously.
“He still frightens you, doesn’t he?” Jon studied her expression.
“Yes, kind of. I know how volatile he can be and he runs on a very short fuse and it was always my fault when he lost it, but I can usually hold my own when he is just being argumentative or awkward,” Steph explained.
“Well, you shouldn’t have to and I can’t stress this strongly enough, Steph, if he makes contact or comes anywhere near you I want to know, immediately.”
“Yes,” she replied compliantly and then asked, “Does it make you feel weird, me and Charlie?”
“I dunno. I don’t see you two being linked, I see you and I see Charlie, maybe because I never saw you together. He did tell me about you at the time, the sexy accountant from work, then he was seeing someone else and he was all loved up with her, the lovely Lindsay.
“I’m glad it’s not weird.” She smiled, genuinely pleased that he didn’t find the situation odd.
“We are a right pair, me and you, aren’t we?”
“Hmmm. Do you think we might spoil any other couple? Maybe that’s why we work.”
“Maybe.” He smiled, but the truth was he had no idea why they worked. He just knew they did and they worked far better than he’d ever dreamt was possible. “Drink your coffee.”
Steph looked at the wall clock and saw that it was already half past eleven.
“I’ve had enough, I might just go to bed, if you’re sure you don’t mind me staying,” she said nervously.
“Of course I don’t mind, but if it makes you uncomfortable I can sleep out here.” He gestured towards the sofa they were sitting on.
“No, don’t be daft, I like to sleep with you, it’s just a bit odd because we have planned what we won’t do, but we don’t have to have sex every time we see each other do we?” replied Steph honestly.
“Unfortunately not.” He grinned.
“Then take me to bed, Mr Brooker.” She was already getting to her feet.
“You go first or I will not be responsible for my actions if I have to watch you undress,” said Jon as he began to put the dinner plates into the dishwasher.
Steph had decided that if she was going to maintain her no sex rule she should wear something in bed, but in the absence of pyjamas had put on a white vest and a pair of white cotton briefs. She climbed into bed and immediately felt relaxed as the familiar scent of Jon and his bed enveloped her. She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply as the door opened and Jon disappeared into the bathroom. She lay in the dark feeling slightly nervous as she waited for him to return thinking about the difference a day had made.
He slid between the sheets and lay behind her, her back to his front, their favoured position when lying together. She adjusted the position of her behind so that it was snugly pressed into his groin where she immediately felt the familiar and welcome sensation of his naked arousal pressed against her. Steph considered reneging on the no sex agreement as she felt her own desire increasing. Jon’s arms were tightly wrapped around her now and she immediately relaxed into his embrace.
“This is a night of firsts isn’t it?” Jon immediately expanded, “No sex and pyjamas.”
“They’re not actually pyjamas,” she corrected, “Just a white vest and knickers.”
“I apologise, a very thin, tight, white vest and white, cotton, virginal knickers. Which I have to say turn me on like you wouldn’t believe,” Jon told her, making her laugh loudly at the hint of desperation in his voice.
Rolling over, she faced him. “This isn’t as easy as I’d hoped it would be,” she admitted as she stretched up to kiss him gently on the lips.
“Tell me about it,” he replied as he thrust his groin towards her again.
“I don’t think talking about it would help,” she said as she pressed her chest firmly against his making her own arousal in the form of her erect nipples protruding like bullets through her vest obvious.
“Shit, Steph, this is killing me, darling. I want to kiss you and touch you and . . .” his voice trailed off into the night.
“And to fuck me?” Based on their laboured breathing and the obvious arousal, her question really was unnecessary.
“Yup, long and hard!” He cupped her behind, moving close enough so that she could taste the toothpaste on his breath. “But I won’t, because that was your rule for staying.” He sighed.
“What if I’ve changed my mind?” The breathlessness of her question more than suggested she was regretting her veto on sex for the night.
“I won’t let you,” he replied frankly as he brushed her nose with his. “You and I are going to sleep together and no more. We are starting again and we are going to do this right and make it work. We have to because I can’t lose you, not ever,” he said, sincere desperation oozing from every word.
Steph swallowed hard and all ideas of sleeping with him without sex seemed like the worst idea she’d ever had. All she could think of was kissing and touching him, making him moan and cry out at her touch; she could almost feel his hands and lips all over her body when she thought of it and let out a low keening noise as she imagined him entering her slowly, teasing her.
“You really should go to sleep,” said Jon hoarsely.
“Please,” begged Steph shamelessly.
“No. I can think of nowhere else I’d rather be than buried inside you, feeling you around me, warm and soft, responding to me like nobody else ever has, but I won’t do it, not tonight,” he said firmly.
“What if it was a stupid idea in the first place?”
“Darling, I love you and I always thought it was a stupid idea, but we agreed and you are just horny, so go to sleep.” Jon laughed a little as she let out a loud sigh.
“Goodnight!” she said and rolled back over huffing.
“If I was going to fuck you, darling, I would be spanking that very sexy arse first with all of this huffing and petulance.” Jon landed a single, gentle kiss to her shoulder.
“And that comment is helping me how?” she asked in a very high pitched cry.
Between laughs Jon said, “It wasn’t meant to help, I was just stating a fact. Goodnight. darling.”
It was just after seven when Steph opened her eyes and found Jon already dressed and making coffee.
“Morning.” She accepted the cup he offered her. “Why didn’t you wake me?” she asked taking a seat at the bar opposite him.
“Because I would not have been able to resist your charms this morning, especially in the shower or after it,” he replied honestly. “And I have an early meeting.”
“Shame,” she said, her pout only serving to make him smile.
“How did you sleep?”
“Restlessly. I am still considering stripping off and dropping to my knees before you,” she told him frankly.
“Then it is a good job I am leaving for work right now.” He smiled, walking behind her to kiss her cheek before heading for the door where he dipped back and said, “You still need to work on that resistance to me, darling.”
“I hate you, Mr Brooker,” she called, cutting her eyes at him.
“And I love you too, Miss Pryor, and I will see you later. Eat some breakfast, you’ve lost weight,” he shouted as he closed the door behind him leaving her smiling in spite of still feeling incredibly frustrated.
Putting her cup down, she headed towards the shower and wondered whether a date with the shower head would offer any kind of relief from the burning sensation she felt from just thinking of Jon.