Chapter 8
Terra
The headmaster congratulates the students who survived the Culling. Based on the red snow that I saw from the bridge to the Nova House, several died or were severely wounded. Then the headmaster moves on to the classes and how we are expected to behave.
The only thing that results in execution or punishment is trying to escape the grounds or directly assaulting an instructor. Students are permitted to fight and it’s essentially lawless, so I’m relieved to be in the separated Nova House. At least until I look around and see all the glares and sneers we are getting from the other tables.
Emerai makes it clear that we are the elites here.
“You’d think they’d be more afraid of us,” Edgar snarls as he crushes a hard piece of bread in his fist. Crumbs roll across the table and Vinnie looks sharply at him, cursing under his breath with fear flickering across his eyes.
“Edgar,” I snipe at him but he only throws that unfamiliar, hate-filled gaze my way.
Ash pokes at his food and doesn’t bother adding his thoughts into the mix. Everyone else listens intently to the headmaster. One thing is apparent: everyone at our table is certainly afraid of the Novas. The threat of blight is enough to seal the deal for anyone who doesn’t want a death sentence. Lucina and Raine’s eyes bear the mark and I don’t miss Rowan and Tamaris’s glances at them.
Raine takes notice too and lowers his chin, staring down at his empty plate. I want to urge him to eat, but I feel the emptiness inside my heart too. How are we supposed to function after everything the last twenty-four hours have brought? My eyes linger over everyone’s plates; hardly anyone is eating.
Emerai closes his speech with a well-rehearsed statement. “Remember, the Culling Assessment was just the beginning of your time here at Alkrose. The second-semester exam is eleven weeks from today and half of you will not survive it.” His voice rolls through the silent dread around us. I dare glance over the crowd and see fear in everyone’s eyes. A few mouths drop open. “But your sacrifice will not be in vain. The strong Shadows will learn and shine amidst the horror. Be brave. Face death boldly.”
The headmaster bows and leaves us to eat and have the night to ourselves in preparation for the classes tomorrow, but how can anyone have an appetite after that? I swallow hard and glance up at the professor’s table. Elias’s eyes are homed in on me and it makes my skin prickle. A sigh escapes me as I quickly advert my gaze.
Try to focus on something else, I tell myself. Classes, think about the classes. Studying and training just became a top priority for me. Our schedules are in our journals, already placed in our rooms. I make a mental note to look mine over when I get back to my desk tonight.
Edgar’s companions talk quietly amongst themselves. Edgar eats in silence, sharing words with Lucina. Raine has a distant look in his eyes. He’s probably thinking of Bennie. Of his own inevitable demise or even mine.
I lift my eyes across the table and find Ash staring at me. His gray eyes are filled with more shadows and grief than I myself have. A small smile pulls at my lips. I can relate to that. “Hey.”
Ash sharply looks away. “What?” he mutters.
I consider him for a moment. He purposefully sat away from his old friends even though they keep peeking over at him, obviously eager to speak with him. “Are you okay?”
He glances up with surprise and a bit of hostility. “Why wouldn’t I be?” He’s so thin, with sunken cheeks that tell me he hasn’t been eating as he should or maybe has been exerting too much of his Shadow.
“You just look like you could use someone to talk to.” I reach my hand out and set it on top of his.
His eyes light up and fury flickers across his face. “Don’t fucking touch me!” Ash snarls. Raine stiffens beside me and a low growl rolls from his throat.
Ash glares at us both and shoves out of his seat, storming out of the mess hall. The others watch him with confusion pulling at their brows. Guilt ebbs in my stomach; he didn’t even eat. He’s so thin… I stuff a few rolls and fruits in my pocket to bring back and leave at his door.
I force myself to eat a few bites of the roasted meat and mashed potatoes on my plate before I call it. No one spoke to Raine or me over dinner, so I don’t bother saying anything as I stand to leave. Raine silently follows. I’m thankful I at least have him, a constant in all this chaos.
The only thing I want right now is to lie down and sleep, curled in his arms. Elias’s too. I look up at where the instructors are seated and can’t help the longing I feel when our eyes connect.
Elias’s stare is heavy and lingering as I look away, still very much aware of his gaze. I wonder if he’ll steal me away in the night. Gods know I want him too.
We’re halfway down the great foyer before footsteps echo in the hall behind us.
“Terra.” Finn’s voice is firm and desperate.
Raine and I both turn to face him. I reach for Raine’s arm, but he flinches away. I wince. It still stings when he does that, but I understand he has his own demons.
“You can head back. I’ll be fine,” I tell Raine. If Finn really wants to hash this out now, then so be it.
Raine doesn’t move for a few seconds but eventually recedes, giving me one last look before walking down the long hall alone.
Finn waits until we can no longer hear Raine’s footsteps before leading me outside. The cold night air takes the breath from my lungs and burns with icy dryness; it’s a sensation of existence and quite frankly, in this moment, it’s very much welcome. This has all but felt like a dream since everything went to shit in Barkovah.
Armed soldiers man the entrance, reminding me that this is very much a prison and not a typical academy. The tactical gear they wear is black from head to toe: vests, jackets, pants, and headwear. Only their eyes are visible; their mouths are covered with black masks. Assault rifles hang loosely in their hands, the muzzles dangling at their feet. I’ve pieced together that most of the lower-ranked soldiers have guns and use them primarily over their powers. Is this the fate of Dvars, Tauri, and Polaris Shadows? At least they’re alive and not fed to the wolves.
I notice more walking the grounds in the distance, tracing a path that appears to circle the castle.
Finn steadily leads us up to the lakeside. The ice is thick and glistens with moonlight. It’s not that late, but the winter sun cycle has the evenings starting early, and the peaks of the mountains make daylight hours appear even shorter than they already are.
Finn stops along the edge of the lake. Neither of us looks at the other. It’s awkward; the tension is palpable between us.
“How, uh, are you?” he asks, rubbing the back of his head.
I repress a cruel laugh. That’s really how he wants to start our conversation? How very like him. “I’m alive. How are you?” I say, annoyed.
Finn leans down and picks up a skipping rock from the shore. He spins it a few times as he mutters, “Not great. Martin… He died this morning.” He throws the rock and it skirts over the ice of the lake, making an odd sound that reverberates through the air.
Martin is dead. For some reason, I find it hard to compare his death to the rest of our village. So I say coldly, “Our entire town is dead, Finn.”
“Mm,” he grunts his acknowledgement.
We stand in silence for a few more moments before he speaks again.
“I’m sorry for leaving you in Navasik.”
Amser curiously ventures closer to the surface of my skin, beckoning for his Shadow. I’m sure he feels the pull within himself too. It’s proof that we are not the same people we once were and there’s nothing in this world that can change that.
When I don’t respond, he turns his head and I can’t fight the urge to look at him any longer. My eyes lift to his and all my walls threaten to come crumbling down. Finn’s amber eyes are a sea of burnished sap, orange and hot like a sunset on fire. His jaw is sharp and tense; strands of his lovely ebony hair flutter softly in the light breeze.
He tentatively reaches his hand out and brushes my cheekbone. The warmth of his fingers seeps into me, making me grit my teeth.
“I don’t think sorry will ever fix this, Finn.” I clench my fists at my sides. His brows pull tightly together as anguish fills his expression. Amser brushes against his Shadow where his hand rests on me and it hums with delight. Our Shadows seem to like one another, but I have to draw the line there.
I take a step back and his hand falls back to his side. “What you did can’t be undone.”
“Terra, I thought I was keeping you safe. I was afraid my father would come after us and you know how he was… I didn’t know all this would happen. I couldn’t have known.” He looks down at the ground.
It’s all too easy to feel pity for a beautiful man saying he’s sorry and he wishes things were different.
“Of course you couldn’t have known, but I was ready to take a chance with you, Finn. The two of us against the unknown world, remember? Instead, you broke my heart.” My hand rests over my chest. “You didn’t even look back.”
His eyes lift back to mine. “I didn’t, did I?” he says as if he can’t believe it.
I shake my head. “No, you didn’t.”
I’m already shifting to head back to my room when Finn steps in front of me. His voice is firm with conviction as he says, “It can’t be undone, but I won’t give up, Terra. Never again. I won’t give up on us.” He grabs my hands. I never thought I’d see the day Finnick Rott would beg for anything, let alone for me. “I promise you, I’ll fix this. All of it.”
A cruel smile forms on my lips. “It’s sad that you think any of it can be fixed, Finn, and especially sad that you think I can be the girl I was. There is no us. Good night.” I pull my hands away. The cold breeze chills me to my core, but I’ve been frozen inside since the night we said our final goodbye. And just the same as that night, I don’t look back at him as I leave him standing alone at the lakeside.