Secrets Within Us

9. Chapter 9 - Hadley

Chapter 9 - Hadley

Questions

I had fallen out of a nightmare and into a dream come true. I awoke most mornings with a sense of wonderment and girl-like happiness that only the quiet, sleep-filled space could conjure. But it was always short-lived because when realization dawned on where I was, memories also flooded my brain of where I had come from before. How did I live in the present when the past was still so near and to blame for bringing me here?

I never laid there too long thinking of the past though, because Kip was quick to rise once he sensed I had woken, and he was quicker to consume my body with his. His sexual appetite was insatiable, and he was often bringing me to orgasm before, after, and sometimes during his workday. I couldn’t complain, but when I was alone in the silence, my brain couldn’t help but wonder how I could be so okay with letting Kip in physically after all I had been through.

We hadn’t connected emotionally as well as we had physically, and that was on both of us. We each had big scary demons in our closet that threatened to upheave the peaceful dynamic we had fallen into, but we didn’t know the extent of each other’s darkness.

He never spoke of his past further back than a few years. Not a word, not a slip-up, not a snippet of who he was before at all. It was as though he didn’t exist a few years ago. He spoke of a few friends he had from town and a few interactions he had with them, but they sounded superficial and not like he had a deep connection with them.

The snow had stopped a few days ago; I knew the roads were being cleared, though we still had heard no plows or traffic, but I didn’t know if I ever would, as I still hadn’t seen the road from the cabin. My free time was quickly ending, and I wasn’t ready to give it up just yet. I craved Kip’s touch and the snippets of himself he let me see from time to time like I craved the heat within his home and bed.

The sun was falling out of the sky quickly as evening approached, and Kip and Dev would be returning soon. It was my favorite time of day. I had dinner cooked and kept warm in the oven when he walked in, shaking the cold off of him as he did. When his eyes found me sitting in his armchair with a book in my lap, a small, satisfied smile graced his face.

“That chair looks good on you.”

I smiled at the sentiment and slowly stood up, “Dinner is ready and waiting for you if you want to eat now or shower first.”

“You cooked?” He asked, surprised. I hadn’t made anything since breakfast a few days ago. He had everything prepped and ready to go in the morning each day, so I hadn’t felt comfortable stepping in, but today I took the lead.

“I did, I hope you like vegan vegetable soup with a side of tofu.” I worked hard

maintaining my composure, but when I got a look at the disbelief that crossed his face as he listened, I quickly lost the battle and smiled, giving myself away.

Relief crossed his face a second before a mischievous look took its place. “I knew I didn’t have any of that crap, but you almost got me.”

“I sure tried.” Stepping forward, he smiled back at me and softly wrapped his hands around my waist, drawing me into his chest. “I made baked ziti and garlic bread. Simple but filling. And for dessert, I made chocolate pudding using a box I found in your cupboard, so I can’t be held responsible for the taste.”

“It all sounds almost as good as you do.” He said as he leaned down into my neck and inhaled as he held me. He loved having his face buried there with his lips on the sensitive skin.

“Mmh” was all I could manage as I held onto him.

“Shower with me. I’ll wash your back and you can wash mine.” He said.

It didn’t bother me he didn’t ask me to; I knew if I had protested, he would have let me. But there wasn’t a single reason on this earth to keep me out of his shower with him, so I nodded my acceptance as he picked me up under my thighs and carried me into the spacious bathroom. He set me on the counter as he stepped back, stripped off his shirts, and unbuckled his belt and jeans before stepping over to the stone shower, turning it on and letting it warm up.

I sat on my perch and enjoyed the show as he moved around, getting towels and toiletries ready. His body was so muscular and toned, watching them ripple under the black and grey ink on his skin was sinful and I couldn’t look away. When he reached back into the shower to check the temperature, I read a bit of script along his ribs on the left side of his chest.

Improvise, adapt, and overcome.

He turned back around quickly, and I tried to hide that I was looking at the words. I didn’t know why I felt like a voyeur when deciphering his tattoos, but it felt personal, and I didn’t feel like we were on a personal level. Although he had been inside of my body multiple times, matters of the heart and head were very different.

“Are you okay?” He asked as he walked back over to me.

A serious look in his eyes told me I was reacting to the tattoo more than I wanted to be. I couldn’t be sure, but I thought that saying was military.

Another snippet into the life of Kip. Was he military? Past or present? He fit the look of a soldier in most ways. Strong, stern, and serious.

He most definitely had some military background.

“Yeah, I’m good,” I replied, letting the tension roll out of my shoulders as I smiled back up at him.

“Good, because the water is perfect and so are you, so I need to get you naked and in

the shower before I embarrass myself here on the tile floor.”

With a devilish chuckle, he assisted me in removing my shirt and unclasping my bra. I watched his eyes as he did, feeling them cascade down my chest to my breasts. I could feel his gaze as I watched him. It was nearly as pleasurable as his physical touch. “Embarrass yourself like you did in your boxers the first time you made me come?” I asked as I leaned forward, pressing my hard nipples to the coarse hair on his chest.

“Hilarious. I can’t help how attracted I am to you.” He said as he reached up and allowed the back of his fingers to trace down from my collarbones to my aching nipples.

Once again, I couldn’t speak, so I resorted to moaning and leaning into his touch.

He dropped his pants and lifted me to slide mine down my legs, leaving us both naked and panting before he lifted me again and carried me into the shower.

He was gentle and caring as he slid into my still healing body. I gasped as I struggled to take his girth and size, but soon I was riding him back with just as much vigor and passion as my body accommodated him. He knew my body so well already; he had me on the edge of a climax soon and then tipping over the edge into ecstasy, following soon after.

We stood in the hot steam of the water, in sated silence, as he washed my hair. His talented fingers scrubbed my scalp and down my neck, easing tense muscles.

“Hmm.” I hummed and let my body lean back into his. “You could trick me into thinking you knew what you were doing back there.”

He hummed back and chuckled, “Maybe a time or two before.”

That choice of words made me still as questions rose in my brain for the millionth time in the last week. “Have you been in a long-term relationship before?” My voice was steady but soft as I asked, braver with my back facing him, so he couldn’t see the fear on my face.

I guess part of me was afraid of him admitting he was in one with someone else presently, while another part of me was afraid he would dodge the question all together.

“Have you?” He asked, choosing the second option.

I tried not to let disappointment at his avoidance show, as I turned and rinsed my hair under the water, pulling his fingers from the tresses reluctantly .

When my head was tipped back, I opened my eyes and caught sight of the scowl between his eyes at my abrupt turn. I closed my eyes again to shut it out.

“No.” I stated truthfully, “I’ve never been seriously committed to anyone.”

“How is that possible?” He asked, stepping forward and dropping his forehead to mine, wrapping his large hands around the widest part of my hips, and pulling my chest to his stomach, letting the water cascade over both of our faces.

With a shrug, I let my fingertips explore the hard planes of his abs and sides as if I were blind, reading a braille story. “I’ve never found anyone worthy of something serious. I moved around a lot and kept to myself most of the time.”

He pulled back and looked down at me questioningly like he was trying to answer other questions with the answer I’d just given him.

Yeah, well, that’s a two-way street bucko.

“When was your last serious relationship?” I asked. Figuring his lack of answer last time was an affirmation that he’d been in one before .

His eyes darkened noticeably, and he let his hands fall from my hips as he grabbed the shampoo and started washing his own hair.

I put my hand on his arm, “I was going to do that for you, to repay the favor.” I smiled up at him, trying the adage you get more with sugar than spice.

“You can’t reach it, so I’ll get it.”

His voice was gruff and his movements were sharp as he lathered up his hair with his eyes closed. He worked it into his beard and continued to stay silent and closed off as I stupidly stood there watching as his walls grew around his heart like an impenetrable force keeping us apart.

How were we ever going to get past the emotional barriers if neither of us were willing to go first?

My heart ached as the weight of my secrets weighed down on my soul once again.

I wrung my hair out and stepped out of the stone shower quietly. As I stood on the mat on the floor in the bathroom, I grabbed a towel and quickly wrapped it around my body.

“Hey.” He said, popping his head into the entrance of the shower and looking for me. But I just walked out of the bathroom and went upstairs to find my clothes and put some sort of armor on over my naked body. “Hadley!” He called after me, but I ignored him.

The same way he ignored me when I was standing directly in front of him.

I was standing in the bedroom in a bra and panties when he walked up the stairs and stood silently, brooding with a towel around his waist and his fists on his hips.

“Why did you leave?” He asked.

“You were ignoring me. If you insist on shutting me out, I’m going to leave.” I said as I grabbed a shirt to pull on. He reached forward quickly and grabbed it from my hands and threw it over the railing to the living room. “What the hell?” I snapped, turning on him.

“I wasn’t ignoring you.” He replied sharply.

“Bullshit.” I retorted. “You weren’t answering any of my questions, either.”

His chest heaved dramatically as he looked down at me with his eyebrows knitted in the center, frustration radiated off his body. “So you just take off when you don’t get your way?”

“This isn’t about me getting my way, Kip! It’s about you, unwilling to share anything about your past, yet expecting me to share about mine! ”

“You aren’t exactly an open book either, Hadley.” He huffed.

I didn’t bother to reply. We weren’t going to resolve anything at the moment. I might be twelve years younger than him, but I could tell in terms of emotional maturity, we were both fucking lacking.

I looked in my bag for another shirt, but the one he chucked had been my last clean one.

Shit.

Making my way to his dresser, I opened the drawer where he usually kept his things and reached for one from the top. Just as I was about to grab it, he abruptly closed it, nearly trapping my fingers inside. I turned on him, “You threw mine! I need clothes!”

“The fuck you do.” He said as he closed the distance between us and wound his fingers into my hair, pulling my head back to look up at him seconds before his lips crashed down on mine.

The wounds to my lips had healed, and I welcomed the bite of his mouth pressed roughly to them for the first time, every other kiss had been softer than what he was giving to me finally. He was vibrating with tension, and I knew if I gave in to him, he would be anything but gentle with me .

“You’re crazy!” I growled out against his lips before sucking his bottom lip into my mouth and biting on it. His hands dropped from my hair and landed on my hips, turning us until my back pressed into the tall dresser.

“You make me fucking crazy.” He spoke against my neck as his teeth sunk into my skin and bit.

“Oh, my god.” I threw my head back into the wood of the drawers and dug my nails into his pecks as he sucked on the skin and licked it. “More,” I begged, letting my fingers drop to the towel at his waist and ripping it open, baring him to my hungry eyes.

“You can run all you want, Hadley, but you can’t hide from me.” He said and then dropped to his knees in front of me and looked up at me. Even on his knees, his head came up to my breasts, and he wasted no time reaching around me to undo my bra and free my breasts to his waiting mouth and hands.

He sucked my nipple into his mouth and flicked it with his tongue as his hands grabbed both of my breasts and pressed them together. “I fucking love your tits.” He groaned, switching to the other nipple as his fingers pinched the one his lips just left.

I threaded my fingers through his hair, pulled his head off my breasts, and leaned down and kissed him. It wasn’t a pretty kiss; it was feverish and all lips and teeth and passion and consumption.

He consumed me within himself as he drank from my lips and devoured my body with his hands.

He knelt down and positioned my leg over his shoulder, pulling my panties aside and burying his face between my thighs.

“Oh, my god!” I moaned, grabbing onto his hair, and riding his face as he fervently licked me.

“I’m far from heavenly, darling, but I’ll make you think I am either way.” He laughed into my flesh as he buried two fingers deep.

“Yes.” I purred and grabbed onto the drawers behind me for support as he fucked me wildly with his fingers and tongue.

It took absolutely no time at all, and soon I was exploding into a technicolor orgasm as I rode his face madly.

He hardly waited for me to come down from the high before he stood up, shoved my panties down my legs, and walked me backward towards the bed. He laid me down and climbed up my body, lining himself up with my entrance and pushing in without warning .

“Oof.” I groaned and widened my legs to accommodate him better.

“You have the tightest pussy I’ve ever buried myself in. Ever.”

“Good. Something to keep you coming back for more.” I played. I was on the dangerous side of needy in that moment and knew he could reject me, but I was hoping he would prove me wrong since our relationship had turned sometime in the previous days. We’d gone from killing time to enjoying it.

“As if.” He said, leaning down into my neck and biting the skin of my shoulder softly, “I’m hooked on you, Hadley. I couldn’t walk away now if I wanted to.” He thrust in and out of my body, wildly drawing moans from my lips. “And believe me, I have no plans to walk away or let you walk away anytime soon, either.”

I tried to keep my focus on his words as he said everything I was hoping for from him. I needed him desperately.

“Good.” I moaned and then gasped as my orgasm ripped from my body, washing over me like a tidal wave of pleasure and pain as his thrusts became punishing. He fucked me straight into the mattress with such vigor and no remorse as I begged and pleaded for more .

I always needed more from the man.

“Mine.” He growled as he chased his own pleasure. “You. Are. Mine. Hadley.”

“Yes.” I purred. “Fuck me like this every time, and I’ll never even notice you hold me captive in a world of secrets and lies.”

He growled in frustration as he pinned my legs over his forearms and rolled his hips, rubbing his pelvis against my clit. “You act as though you have no secrets or lies, Hadley. Like you’re so different from me.”

“I know,” I answered truthfully. “But at least I don’t pretend to be something I’m not.” I clawed his arms with my nails as I hung onto him, challenging the beast inside of him. I don’t know what came over me and made me test him like that. He could snap me like a twig if he wanted to, and looking deep into his dark eyes, he looked like he was considering doing just that. But I needed to say my peace about our dynamic.

He grunted and pulled out of my body and quickly rolled me over into doggy and slammed his cock back inside of me. “God, your ass is incredible.” He hissed, filling both of his large hands with my flesh as he pounded me into the mattress .

I placed one palm flat against the wall over the bed and pushed back into his powerful thrusts, moaning and chasing my pleasure. I slid my other hand under my body and rubbed my clit, chasing my next orgasm.

“No.” He said, pulling my hand away and slapping it to the wall next to my other one. “Your pleasure is mine. If you want to come, I’ll be the one to make you.” He growled, laying his body against my back and pumping his hips faster into me. His teeth bit and teased my ear as he slid his thick fingers down against my clit and rubbed perfectly, pushing me headfirst toward yet another powerful orgasm. “Good girl.” He bit out in my ear when I moaned loudly. “You’re so perfect for me.”

“Don’t stop!” I begged. “I need you.” What I despised was how I had stopped antagonizing him and started begging him, but that’s exactly what he did to me. He made me needy, but at least in that moment, he delivered.

“I’m right here, bambina . Come for me. I want to feel your body milking my come deep inside of you.”

“Yes!” I cried, throwing my hips back into his and exploding in his arms. He held me tight, keeping me from falling face first into the bed as I lost my hold on the wall .

“Good girl.” He praised into my ear. His hips were jerking madly, showing his impending orgasm, and moments later he bit my shoulder as he filled me up with his come, branding my insides and skin with his claim. “That’s my pussy, baby. I’m never giving it up.”

He moaned on and on, slowly thrusting his hips as his hands roved over my body as we caught our breaths. He let go of my shoulder and my body, gently laying me down on the bed and pulling out before collapsing next to me on the mattress. I laid limp on my stomach as he threw his arm over his eyes and relaxed.

“Holy shit, that was… holy shit.” He said after a few minutes, and I smiled into the blankets.

“You should write hallmark cards.” I joked, and he cracked one eye open and side eyed me.

“Funny girl.” He deadpanned.

“I’ve been told that a time or two before.” I laughed and scooted over to his side, and he pulled me against him until my head was on his chest. Silence descended on us and the weight of our argument before the sex started crushing the mood. Kip felt it too as he stared at the ceiling in the quickly darkening room.

“We should go eat.” He said after a while, and I fought to contain the sigh that wanted to escape. Just like that, we were back to square one. Our bodies were so in sync that I could almost pretend he was a stranger to me.

Almost.

Instead of giving into my desire to scream for answers, I untangled my body from his and silently dressed in a flannel of his and a pair of sweatpants from my bag as he watched me from the bed in stillness.

I said nothing to him as I walked down the stairs and started arranging food on plates to serve. By the time he came down, I wasn’t hungry as the questions and frustration knotted my stomach up and left me aching for anything from him he was willing to give me.

He sat down across from me and eyed my empty plate as he looked at his own heaping pile. “Why aren’t you eating?” He asked, placing his hands next to his silverware as he watched me.

“Not hungry right the moment,” I answered, taking a sip of the coffee I’d made with a splash of whiskey in it to ease my chaotic mind.

“You need to eat Hadley; your body needs the nutrients to heal itself,” Kip said, and his voice lacked the authority or dominance it usually had when he gave me an instruction like that, and instead he was calm and tender .

“Answer a question and I’ll take a bite,” I replied quickly before I could think better of it.

His eyebrows rose, and he eyed my coffee cup that I clutched in both hands, on top of my knee. I was hugging it to my chest across from him, but he was on to me. He reached forward, took it from me, and sniffed. “Whiskey, huh?”

“Warms the soul. Or something like that.” I said, devoid of any emotion.

“And loosens the tongue.” He volleyed back.

“Then I’ll answer one back for each one you answer.”

He eyed me, considering it. “You’ll answer any question I ask, without fail, and you’ll eat a bite.”

“I won’t tell you who did this to me.” I said quickly, “But I’ll answer anything else.”

He paused, looking down at my cup and then handing it back to me, probably figuring he’d get more out of me the lower my inhibitions were. “Deal.”

He motioned for me to start with a question as he took a bite of his meal.

In the past few days, I had imagined all the questions I would ask him if given the opportunity. However, now that he was finally willing to answer them, I hesitated to ask the difficult ones because I wasn’t sure if I was prepared for the challenging answers that would come with them.

“How long have you lived up here? Like this?” I asked and his chewing stopped, probably surprised by my direction.

“Four years.” He said and then scooped up a big bite of ziti off his plate and held his fork out for me to eat. Leaning forward, I wrapped my lips around his fork and took a bite of food. Throughout the entire process, I kept my eyes locked on his, causing his pupils to dilate as he observed my chewing. “It’s fucking good, isn’t it?” He asked, fixated on my mouth.

“Mouthwatering,” I answered back and his eyes snapped up from my lips to my eyes as he groaned.

“Where do you live?” He asked.

I finished chewing and took a sip of my coffee. “New York City was where I lived before coming here, but I was on my way to Florida when I got… sidetracked.”

“Sidetracked.” He repeated and then took another bite, not offering anything else.

“Why do you live out here alone like this?” I asked, watching him as he considered his answer.

“Because I like a hard days work to keep my body and mind from running wild. ”

I contemplated that as he reached forward with a piece of garlic bread and I took a bite, savoring the buttery garlic flavor as it exploded on my tongue.

God, I was an excellent cook.

“Why were you going to Florida?” He asked.

“Fresh start I guess. I was lonely in New York and believe it or not, I hate the cold.”

He smirked at me and then shook his head. “Hell of a place to end up here, then.”

“You’re telling me,” I said with a small smile of my own. I washed down the bread with my spiked coffee and then set down my cup, ready to ask some of the harder questions. “Are you married?”

His entire body went rigid as he watched me. “Why would you ask me that?”

I shook my head, standing firm in my position. “Answer me first.” His rigid body was screaming at me to end this game, to protect myself from the pain I knew it would cause me, but I couldn’t live here anymore without some further knowledge about him.

“I- I can’t.” He said, dropping my gaze and fisting his hands at the side of his plate.

“Why?” I felt my eyebrows drop over my eyes as fear coursed through my body .

“Because it will hurt you.” He replied, looking up at me under his dark lashes quickly before dropping my gaze once again.

“How?” I shook softly in my chair, unable to come up with a single answer to that question that didn’t threatened to destroy us before we even had a real chance to begin with. My chest ached, and my stomach rolled, my skin prickled, and my eyes burned as I sat there watching him as the silence stretched on.

“I can’t.” He repeated, shaking his head. “I can’t cause you pain Hadley, don’t ask that of me. Please.” He whispered.

“This hurts me,” I said, waving my hand back and forth between us. “Falling for a man that may be unavailable in more than one way Kip, that hurts. Not knowing if I’m the other woman here hurts. Reading her name on your body when you’re doing such sweet and tender things to me.” I gasped. “That hurts.” My voice broke as tears pooled in my eyes.

His own eyes misted up as he looked at me, I was ripping open my heart and laying it on the floor at his feet and he was still silent .

“I can’t.” He said again, and I closed my eyes, feeling the tears crest over the lashes and running down my cheeks.

“Then I guess this is over,” I said, leaving out exactly what I meant by this. I took my still-empty plate over to the cupboard and put it away, standing at the sink and looking out over the eerie snow-covered forest outside his home. “I think it’s time I get a ride into town.” Tears continued to fall down my cheeks.

Happiness had been so close; I had tasted it. I had felt it caress my skin and warm my heart from the inside out.

But all I felt now was cold.

Icy coldness gripped my soul and shattered my already broken heart.

I had been so close.