3. Ace
3
ACE
Goodbyes said, ways parted, I catch myself staring into space as I sit in my car, lost in thought. Yet again.
I honestly don’t recognize myself lately. The weight of my feelings, the guilt that comes with it and worrying about how Sheri will react — not to mention the guys — when I finally pluck up the courage to tell her, all of it has me out of sorts and not quite myself.
I try to hide the grumpiness and be my usual happy-go-lucky self, but I’m not sure I’m doing a bang-up job of it. So lost in my thoughts, I just about have a heart attack when someone knocks on my window.
“Everything okay there, bro? You’ve just been sitting there for the last five minutes,” Dan says when I roll down my window.
“Jesus, dude. Don’t sneak up on a person like that,” I respond, my heart still pounding.
“Sneak up, my ass. You’d have seen me approaching if you were paying attention, like a good SEAL.” His words are spoken through his laughter.
“I’m fine. It’s all good. I was just trying to decide what I want to do with my afternoon, is all.”
“Maybe you should go visit Sheri and tell her how you feel. There’s something you can do with your afternoon.”
“Swear to God, I’m gonna kick your ass -”
“Yeah, yeah,” he interrupts on a laugh. “Won’t be the first, probably won’t be the last.” Despite his shit-eating grin, Dan’s eyes search mine, just like Mom’s did earlier. “Buddy, you’re not happy living in this limbo. Go talk to her. The worst that could happen is she doesn’t feel the same.” My childhood nickname has a lump forming in my throat.
Clearing it away, I reply, “No, the worst that could happen is she kicks me out her house and tells me she never wants to see me again. That would be the absolute worst that could happen.”
“At least you’ll know where you stand. The flipside of that coin is, she doesn’t. Either way, you won’t know if you don’t try. Surely that’s got to be better than living like this, all that emotion burning a hole in your gut.”
I study my brother. Despite him being older, I needle him, just because I can. “When did you get so smart, Chuck?” The nickname Dan earned as a kid for always chucking things around, more so than the average baby or toddler. “I’ll give your suggestion some thought,” I continue with a nod.
Dan reaches through the open window and squeezes my shoulder. “Chat soon, yeah? Love you, bro.”
As he starts to walk away, I lean out the window. “You too, bro.” He acknowledges my words with a wave as he keeps walking back to his small but growing family.
I’m still sitting there when he drives past me and all three of them wave as they pass.
When did my big brother become such an insightful man? Growing up, he was the quintessential sports jock, football and track all he ever had on his mind, the entire world passing him by if it didn’t include sports. Apparently, he’s outgrown that. Big time.
His words ring in my ears, and before I can change my mind, I start the vehicle and point it in the direction of Sheri’s house. Halfway there, I chicken out, thoughts racing through my mind a million miles an hour. Detouring, I make my way to the small park that I love, closer to home. Parking, I amble over to the gates and down to the pond, where I like to sit and quiet my mind.
Time loses meaning as I watch the ducks and various other birds glide across the smooth surface of the water, trying to come to a decision. Fuck me, how is this so damn hard? In all the fairytales, we’re taught that happy-ever-after is as simple as a declaration of love.
Well, there’s absolutely zilch about this situation that’s as simple as declaring my feelings. In fact, that may well turn out to be the easiest part of it. Once those words are spoken, the complications will come, swift and sure.
A couple who looks to be somewhere in their late thirties, early forties, takes a seat on the bench next to mine. She rests her head on his shoulder, a sad look on her face.
“I’m sorry, my love. This was never the life I imagined for us. And it’s most certainly not the life you signed up for,” I hear her say.
Not wanting to get caught watching them, I turn my head back to the pond. I hear him turn on the stone bench, toward her I assume.
“Me either, darlin’, but you’re wrong. I did sign up for this. Through sickness and in health. With my vows, I promised God I’d take care of you no matter what. I would never have wished for this in a million years, but I will, under no circumstance, walk away now. I love you, and I’ll take care of you until you draw your last breath. Don’t ever doubt that, darlin’. You hear me?”
“But you heard the doctor. The cancer’s spread too far. There’s nothing left to do but wait to die.” Her voice catches, and I hear the rustle of clothing. I imagine he’s hugging her.
“Kathleen, you’re not listening. Until you draw your last breath. Until death us do part, remember?”
The man’s words hit me square in the chest with the force of a ton of bricks.
Here I am, like some spineless wimp, trying to decide whether to tell the woman I love that’s how I feel, thinking I have all the time in the world. But I might not. They don’t. They never imagined this would be the turn their lives would take.
With startling clarity, my decision is made.
I want to hop up and kiss these strangers for providing me this clarity in the midst of their grief. I sincerely doubt it’ll be appreciated, but these two have helped me to clear out all the noise and make my decision an easy one.
Now in an almighty rush to get to Sheri, I hurry back to the car, eager to share my newly found enlightenment with her. It’s a struggle not to speed all the way to her house, but somehow I manage it. Only to be met by an empty house. Disappointment wells, and my euphoric bubble pops. I was so focused on getting to her, I didn’t take the time to consider what I would do if she wasn’t home.
Dragging my feet, I trudge back to the vehicle and, as I unlock, I resolve to wait for her to get home. I just hope it won’t be too long. Now that I’ve come to a decision, I’m eager to share it with her and pray she feels the same.
I pull up the reading app on my phone and get comfortable while I wait. But I can’t settle. I’m too eager and impatient, so I give up trying to read after going over the same sentence for a full two minutes. I contemplate giving one of the guys a call, then decide not to. I’m not sure I can prevent myself from blurting out what’s on my mind, and that’s a minefield I’m not yet ready to brave.
Thankfully, Sheri saves me from my thoughts, pulling up into her driveway beside me. The surprise at finding me outside her house is clear as she looks over at me. Then a strange expression crosses her face, far too quickly for me to analyze. Hopping out of my car, I follow her into the garage, waiting while she parks.
“Hi,” she says, exiting the vehicle and opening the back door to let her boys out.
“Hey,” is all I can say past the sudden uncertainty.
Am I doing the right thing? How badly is this going to end? Damn, when will I learn to slow my roll and think things through?
“Come on in. I need to get the boys in the bath, and then I’ll make us some coffee.”
“How can I help?”
Following them into the house, I close the connecting door behind me. “Well, if you don’t mind running their water, I’ll get onto that coffee.”
“I can do that,” I say, heading for the stairs behind the boys. It’s not the first time I’ve helped with this chore.
“Thanks, I appreciate the help.”
“Always happy to, you know that. Anytime you need some downtime, all you have to do is call.”
“Yeah, I know. And I’m grateful.”
I follow the sounds of whooping and hollering to find the boys running around Luke’s room naked as the day they were born.
“I’m guessing you two are ready for bathtime.”
James grins at me, nodding like crazy. “Yeah, and I’m gonna splash Luke.”
“No, you’re not. I’m gonna splash you first.”
“Nuh-uh,” James replies.
“Uh-huh.”
“Are not.”
“Am so.”
With a grin on my own face, I leave them to their arguing while I go into their shared bathroom to run the water, adding a healthy dose of bubble bath to make the splash session more fun. In readiness of the drenching, I lay down some towels and hope like hell Sheri isn’t going to murder me for dirtying them.
Returning to the bedroom, I announce that the bath is ready, and they streak past me in the hopes of being first.
“Easy there, boys. No slipping in the bath. There will be no ER visits this evening, so let’s be careful in there, yeah?”
“Okay,” I get back in stereo.
“All right then. I’m going down to chat with your mom real quick. I’ll be back shortly to check on you.”
“Okay,” they chime in unison again.
Sheri’s just pouring the coffee as I walk in, and my heart jumps at the sight of her. She’s dressed for “going out”, as she puts it, and she looks gorgeous, as always.
“All sorted?” she asks as I attempt to recover from the beautiful smile she’s just gifted me. There’s something in there that I can’t quite put my finger on but return wholeheartedly.
“Yeah. I hope you don’t mind, I put some towels down so the boys don’t drown the floor since they appear to be pretty hyped, determined to splash each other until the bath is empty.”
Sheri laughs. “All good.” Putting a mug down on the counter in front of me, she continues, “I hope your mom’s had an amazing day so far.”
“Yeah, she’s been spoilt rotten, like the queen that she is, and says she’s had the best day.”
“I got her something but didn’t think I’d see her today. I’ll give her a call in the week and organize to drop it off.”
“You always go the extra mile. Thank you. She loves your gifts.” I’m not sure if it’s just me, because I’m feeling awkward, but the conversation feels a little strained. Like we’re reaching for things to talk about. Something we usually don’t have to do.
“It’s my pleasure.” Sheri places her mug on the counter. “I’ll just go che?—”
“Um, Sheri, I wan—” We speak at the same time. “Go ahead,” I say.
“I’m just going to check on the boys quickly. I’ll be back in a second.” She hurries from the room, and I sigh.
Within minutes, she’s back, and I straighten my spine, take a deep breath, and leap, praying the landing will be a soft one.
“Sheri, I need to talk to you about something important. But I want you to understand, there’s no pressure for you to respond in kind. Okay?”
“That sounds ominous,” she replies, her eyes darkening with concern.
God, I’ve uttered two sentences, and I’m already fucking it up.
“Sorry, Sher, I didn’t mean to make it sound that way. It’s just something important to me, so I guess I came across a little intense.”
She nods. “Okay, well then let me get the boys out of the bath, and we can get comfy to talk.”
I watch the seductive sway of her luscious ass as she walks away. Can you say horn-dog?