22. Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Two
C ody spent a very lonely and anguished night in his study while Brooke hid away with her mom upstairs. He couldn’t bust in on that, not without explaining things to Susanne. When he finally emerged early the next morning, hung over and surly because he’d barely slept three hours, he headed straight upstairs to Brooke’s room, hoping to have a private conversation and clear the air.
He didn’t know if it would help or make things worse, but he really needed to know where they stood. He needed to know that she’d always be his friend if they couldn’t be more.
He didn’t want to lose her forever. He couldn’t imagine his life without her in it in some way. He didn’t want his child growing up without Brooke there to spoil him, the way she’d always spoiled him.
It was easier to imagine his life with his child right now than it was to think of his marriage to Kristi. She’d been right last night when she pounded on the door to his study. He couldn’t ignore her. He needed to find a way to focus on the baby, the impending wedding, and the birth of his child. But he’d needed Christmas night to himself, so he could drink away his feelings and find that blissful numbness he needed desperately after seeing Brooke with those damn flowers, wondering who sent them to her, and if that guy would make her happy after Cody had crushed her heart.
He couldn’t stand that she could barely look at him.
Watching her staring from the dinner table at his study killed him. He’d sat there, wishing he could go back in time and live in the moment where he and Brooke were in each other’s arms, happy and in love, a world of possibilities in front of them.
But that wasn’t his reality now. It wasn’t that he didn’t care about Kristi. He just loved Brooke on a whole other level he never even knew existed.
Kristi was pissed. He owed her an apology and to get on board with the plans for their future. He had the rest of his life to make things up to her.
He’d spend that same lifetime regretting losing Brooke.
But he couldn’t let her leave without them talking things out the way they always did.
He stopped in her open doorway and found her dressed and standing next to her suitcase with her backpack at her feet. “You’re already ready to go?” He thought he’d have more time.
She tapped something on her phone and said without looking at him, “The bus leaves in an hour.”
He stared, dumbstruck that this was happening so fast. “I’ll drive you back.” They’d have a couple hours in the car to talk.
“I’ve already got my ticket. Mom will be ready in a minute to drive me to the bus stop.”
“Seriously, Brooke, this is how you want to leave things?”
She finally met his gaze, hers sad and resigned. “I need to leave. You need me to leave. You know that.”
It gutted him. “That doesn’t mean it’s what I want.”
“Yeah, well, we don’t always get what we want. You made your choice. I’ve made mine.” She picked up her backpack and slung it over one shoulder, then took the suitcase handle and walked past him and out of the room.
He went after her. “I’ll drive you.”
Susanne looked up the stairs at them coming down. “I’m taking her, Cody.”
He couldn’t let her go. Not like this. “Susanne, please, I need to do this.”
“No. You don’t.” Brooke headed for the door.
Susanne frowned at Brooke, then looked at him and read everything he couldn’t bring himself to say to explain to her that losing Brooke was killing him. But she turned for the door, too.
“Brooke, please,” he begged. “Please don’t leave like this.”
Brooke stood with her back to him and sighed so hard her shoulders went up and down. “Nothing we say to each other will change anything.”
“I know. But I still need to say it to you anyway. Please.”
Brooke’s shoulders went slack. “Fine.”
Susanne went to Brooke, hugged her from behind with her chin on Brooke’s shoulder. “I love you. I’m here for you. Always.”
Brooke turned and hugged her mom for a long moment, then stepped back. “Love you, too. I’ll call you when I get to school.” Brooke’s eyes glassed over.
Cody’s chest went tight. He hated that he was the reason for this early goodbye and that it felt much heavier and more sorrowful than any other time Brooke went back to school, because it felt like a last goodbye, even if he knew Brooke would always stay in touch with her mom.
Brooke walked out the door with her stuff.
Susanne touched his shoulder just before he walked out after her. The simple gesture meant a lot because Susanne knew he caused this, but she hadn’t turned away from him. He appreciated that so much because she was the only mother he’d ever known even if he was grown when she came into his life. He never wanted to disappoint or hurt her. He’d done both.
Brooke stowed her things in the backseat and slipped into the front.
Cody took his seat behind the wheel of his car and drove them off the ranch and onto the main road.
Wholly aware of her and how close they were to each other, he tried not to notice the pair of silky white legs tucked into an impossibly tight, and short, jean skirt beside him. Tried and failed. The memory of those legs wrapped around him just days ago set his heart to racing and his body swelling. He tried equally hard not to notice the distant look in her green eyes.
He tried to think of what to say to make this right, but now that he had her all to himself, he couldn’t think of any words that would fix this.
I don’t want you to go!
She had to know at least that.
Distracted by her, this aching distance between them, he missed a yellow light, slammed on the brakes, and skidded to a stop just over the crosswalk line.
Someone honked their horn, and he swore under his breath and tried to slow his racing heart with a deep breath.
She glared at him as she fell back into her seat after being thrown forward, the seatbelt locking tightly against her breast and shoulder. “Pay attention to the road,” she snapped. “I’d like to get there in one piece.”
Brooke crossed her arms under her breasts and went back to ignoring him.
He wished he had the hours it would take to drive her all the way back to school instead of the twenty-minute drive that was almost over. He needed more time to thaw things out between them, so they could have an honest talk.
But that wasn’t going to happen with his phone going off every twenty seconds with a text from Kristi. The woman he’d chosen instead of the one beside him.
His life was royally fucked.
“Say something. Say anything,” he demanded, hoping she’d start and he’d know how to make her forgive him before he had to put her on a bus and watch her leave.
She didn’t say a word and went back to staring out the window, so still and controlled.
He hated that their close friendship had turned into this crushing distance and silence between them.
She loved him. She had since she was ten years old. She was the one person he could talk to who really listened. She was the one person he could count on to keep a secret. He trusted her without reservation. She told him the truth, even if he didn’t want to hear it. She had a way of getting past his sometimes volatile temper with her quiet demands that he stop acting like a jerk and talk to her about what really bothered him. He hadn’t realized until this moment how much he depended on her constant nurturing spirit in his life.
The light turned green, and he continued through the intersection and thought about the night they’d made love. Everything had been perfect. If he couldn’t have that back, he wanted what he’d always thought would remain. Their friendship.
He’d spent the better part of last night knocking back four doubles, trying to convince himself he wasn’t in love with her. It was just lust. That’s all it was, he lied to himself. What they’d shared wasn’t special. He’d reduced their night together down to the bare basics of sex enjoyed by two people.
He wasn’t feeling reluctant to let her go back to school. He wasn’t feeling possessive and hating the idea she might find someone at college to take to her bed. He absolutely didn’t have any tender feelings toward her other than friendship.
What a fucking crock of shit!
He wondered how long he could lie to himself and everyone else. He wondered if one day he’d wake up and believe the lie so he could get through one second of the day without thinking about her.
The headache pounding behind his eyes had more to do with the situation than the hangover from the whiskey he’d drowned in last night, trying to forget he’d ever laid a hand on Brooke.
Blocks from the bus stop, he only had a few minutes to say what he wanted to say. “Brooke. I know you’re upset. I’m sorry I hurt you. Please give me a chance to explain.”
She let out a soft sigh and stared at her lap. “I understand. You thought things with Kristi were over until she showed up the morning after you and I had sex and told you she’s pregnant. You put a diamond skating rink on her finger, so that she can show it off to her snotty friends. She’s got the invitations already on order, a catalogue full of dresses to choose from, ideas for the flowers, the cake, the food, the tux, everything. You’ll stand beside her and promise to love, honor, and cherish her for the rest of your life.” She turned to him. “I will be at school.”
He stopped the car in front of the local hardware store. The bus was already waiting at the curb. “You won’t come. Even as my friend. You can’t put aside one night after all the years we’ve had together and come and be by my side on my wedding day?” He was a jerk for asking it of her, but he couldn’t help himself. He needed her there. By his side. Like always.
She stared blankly out the window at the bus ready to take her back to school and away from him. “Do you love her?”
He didn’t want to talk about Kristi. He wanted to talk about them. “We’re going to be a family.”
“Do you love her?”
Cody tried to rein in his frustration. “You just don’t like her.” He couldn’t blame her. He’d slipped that ring on Kristi’s finger and she acted like she owned him. She’d made Brooke feel uncomfortable in her own home.
She should have told him sooner that she was pregnant instead of ignoring it for two fucking weeks. If she’d taken the test sooner, none of this would be happening right now.
But then I wouldn’t have discovered a love so sweet and perfect like I found in Brook’s arms.
And then I lost it.
We lost it.
Brooke hurt just as much as he did, and he hated it, because it was his fault.
Brooke continued to stare out the window and not look at him. “I won’t tell you I like her and come to the wedding and smile for my friend when he’s making the biggest mistake of his life. Don’t you think I’d be there if I could look at you with her and see you happy for the rest of your life? Maybe before we made love all night, I’d have stood there and smiled and wished you well, and then been there to pick up the pieces with you when it all turns to shit.”
He believed that one hundred percent.
She finally met his gaze. “I can’t do that when I look at you and see that night and know you chose her after what we shared. It might have been my first time, but even I could feel how special it was between us.”
So, so special.
Remarkable.
“She’s having my baby.” He couldn’t help the misery in his voice when he said that because it meant losing her. Happiness would come eventually, but right now, he hurt too much to find the joy in his impending fatherhood.
He’d grown up without his mother. She’d left when he was six. He barely remembered her. She’d been a young bride to his older father, and she’d hated ranch life and his father’s oftentimes cold heart. She had a new family. He had a brother and sister he’d never met. They’d be about Brooke’s age now.
He’d never abandon his child or let him grow up passed between two parents.
Brooke had been raised by her mother after her father abandoned her and left Susanne for a younger woman and never looked back.
They had that in common.
Brooke sighed. “And because there’s a baby on the way, I’m trying to be an adult about this. That’s why I congratulated you both and wished you well, despite the fact you don’t have to marry her to have a happy kid. But I get it. You want your child to have what we only had when your dad married my mom. You’re right, for a little while, we were a happy family, and your child deserves that. That’s why I’m getting on that bus.” She turned her whole body, facing him head-on. “Be happy, Cody. It’s all I’ve ever wanted for you. I just thought I'd be the person who made you happy.
“You’ve shared a year of your life with Kristi. You share friends and interests and lifestyles. If the circumstances were different—well, they’re not. I’m just a college student, and there are years that separate our life experiences. When you were in college, I was worrying about how to put on makeup to cover my pimples and if the boys would make fun of my braces and flat chest.”
The corner of his mouth turned up. There wasn’t much to dispute about their past. They’d always been in different places in their lives.
But it was different now. She was all grown up. She was starting to spread her wings, and he’d thought he’d be a part of that.
Not anymore.
Cody stared out the window, wishing this wasn’t his life. She was right. Kristi and he had a lot in common and shared a common life. If he hadn’t lost his head, they probably would have continued their relationship and maybe he’d have finally decided to ask her to marry him.
If you excluded Brooke, he and Kristi had only sped up the timeframe for what seemed inevitable. That’s if you excluded Brooke, and he hated that the circumstances called for him to do that now that he knew how much she meant to him.
Only one thing would make him exclude Brooke from his life. “You’re right. I want my child raised by both his parents.”
“I know. It’s one of the reasons I love you the way I do.”
Her words sank deep into his heart. She’d never actually said she loved him. He just knew it by her actions. No one would ever love him the way she did.
Without another word, without him telling her he loved her, too, she slid out of the car without their usual kiss goodbye, retrieved her bags from the backseat, and walked to the bus with her bag rolling behind her, and her backpack on her back. She left her Christmas gifts, the ranch, and Cody behind, and it hurt like hell to know this might be the last time he ever saw her.
He watched her through the windshield as she stepped onto the bus. The last things he saw were her lovely legs.
Her words rang in his ears.
She still loved him, but she was leaving because he couldn’t act on his love. He had to bury that deep. He had a child to think about, and she loved him enough to walk away.
He wanted to run to the bus and beg her to stay.
He wanted to keep her and take care of Kristi and his baby, too.
That was the kind of asshole he was.
He sat in his car with the engine idling until the bus pulled away. He watched it go down the street and turn the corner. He stayed there until the bus was out of sight and the tightness in his chest subsided and the unshed tears in his eyes cleared.
He missed her desperately. She’d taken a piece of him with her. He’d spend the rest of his days feeling incomplete.
Cody drove home slowly, reluctantly. He took the turnoff down the dirt road and parked where he’d seen the truck the other day. He stepped out of the car and walked, not caring as the dew from the tall grass clung to his slacks and wet his legs up to his knees.
The creek’s song called to him. He followed the narrow path through the trees until they gave way to the water. He found the flat rock next to a huge oak. Brooke’s favorite spot. He sat down with his back against the tree and looked out over the water as it rushed by. This was as close as he’d get to Brooke again. Everything inside him told him she wasn’t coming back. It had been in her eyes and the way she’d said she loved him.
He sat for more than an hour, knowing Kristi was at the house, waiting for him to come home and go over the guest list. He couldn’t muster up the energy to decide if her third cousin on her mother’s side, who’d married her uncle’s best friend and caused a scandal, should be invited. He didn’t care if her great-aunt Beth couldn’t sit with her cousin Monica because of the fruitcake with nuts, or was it without, incident three years ago. He didn’t care about any of it. He wanted her to send the invitations, make the arrangements, and tell him when to show up.
In fact, that’s what he was going to tell her. As far as he was concerned, she could have the wedding of her dreams. She didn’t need him to help her plan it.
Unable to avoid his life and reality forever, he stood and took a moment to look out over the water.
Brooke had herself a pretty spot. Peaceful. The birds chirped in the trees, the water rushed over the rocks and made a pleasant sound that smoothed out his rough edges as much as that was possible right now.
This was a spot you could sit with yourself and really think.
The only problem, he could only think of Brooke, memories of her flipping through his mind like a slideshow.
Here, he could sit in the quiet and be with her.
He’d come back.
Maybe he’d find a way not to make this his permanent home.
Turning to leave, his gaze locked on the tree behind the rock he’d been sitting on. Carved into the bark were his and Brooke’s initials. CJ + BB. Cody Jansen plus Brooke Banks. His initials were over hers and he wondered how long ago she’d carved them into the tree with a heart around them. It was the freshly carved teardrop coming out of the heart that hurt the most. He knew she’d done it days ago. He wondered if her heart was crying, or bleeding. Maybe, probably, both. He traced his finger over their initials. Then, he took out his keys and carved his own message to her.
FF. Friends Forever.